


Gone with the water

by Enceladus



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, Original Female Character(s) - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-16
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-03-07 21:02:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 159,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3183050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enceladus/pseuds/Enceladus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After years of sleeping his life away he finally let his hopes rise, only to have them crushed back to the dust by a single piece of news.</p><p>So Rin is visiting Tokyo. </p><p>And he didn’t want Haruka to know a thing about it.</p><p>(A hypothetical continuation of the story from where our beloved anime ended, to the happy/or not so much ending that it deserves.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys,
> 
> So, how to start? I love Rinharu shipping and hope to be a part of a fandom for a while. Basically, when I’m obsessed with a certain storyline, I tend to read each and every fan fiction there is on the internet up until I find the One – what I call the Ultimate One, after which I’m somewhat fully satisfied, and I can happily stop reading (and start on another story all over - my god, I’m really not okay). Say, it’s something that contains everything: which can make me laugh, cry, turn to jelly and melt on the floor at the same time and, at the right time, feel like I need to get a cold shower. You know what I mean.
> 
> Do what I might, I still haven’t find something like that for Rinharu (although I dare to say Wind waves from Phosphorite is pretty close to my UO – I looooove and recommend it :)).
> 
> So as you may assume, after I gave it a long though, I decided to try and write it myself (I need to free myself from this obsession, goddamit, don’t I?). 
> 
> Therefore, this is most likely going to be my first and only story I’ll ever write for this pairing. I’ll try to make it a weekly thing, but please be patient with me; I, after all, have a something of a life beyond fan fiction – like really ;). 
> 
> So, what more to say? I deeply hope you’ll enjoy it at least as much as I do when I’m writing it, and please note that I do not have a beta. Thus I welcome every comment and corrections of typos or other errors. I am also not a native English speaker, so I beg your pardon for every stupidity I’ll probably – most assuredly – write (though I swear I try my best not to coin new words, shit happens). 
> 
> Yay! The rating shall be going up, up, up for later chapters (I have no shame, whatsoever).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: NOW BETA-ED!!! My endless gratitude and indebtedness go to marbled_maven for all the hard work!!

One way or another, for him it was always about sounds.

Like now.

Birds chirping amidst the buildings behind his window pane reached his ears just as a shy morning light touched his eyelids. Clacking of dishes from yesterday’s dinner; one plate against another, one tea cup against another. The stream of water, falling steadily into a sink. Makoto clearing out his throat. A soft hum of a kitchen radio.

Fabric rustling under his head. His own breathing.

The morning was similar to the one of yesterday, and, beyond any doubt, to the one of tomorrow.

And as Haruka lay with his eyes closed, he knew exactly where he was, and what the world around him looked like. He could count the seconds until the sound of water would disappear, and draw the line of steps that would pass his door as Makoto finished his every day morning tasks and, after gathering his things, went to leave for the day. He would wait for the gentle _Have a good day, Haru,_ coming from behind the thin wood, only to pretend he was still fast asleep.

He still didn’t know why he did it, even after so many mornings that went by just the same.

And maybe all those sounds should have made him feel content. Should have given him a sense of security, a feeling that he belonged somewhere. They marked that in his world, in this little space he’d created here in a small Tokyo condo, there was nothing out of ordinary.

Nothing strange, nothing new, nothing exciting.

For a moment Haruka felt as if he lay back in his bed in Iwatobi. Would there be any difference, really? The thought filled him with dread.

Only, despite the sounds convincing him otherwise, this wasn’t an ordinary morning, and he didn’t feel the same. _He_ wasn’t the same.

The shadows that still lingered in the corners of the room were abruptly cut into pieces by the cold white light of a phone display, making him blink in discomfort. He let out a silent sigh. The old wooden bed creaked under Haruka’s curled body as he pushed himself even farther into the wall and leaned his burning forehead against its cooling surface.

It wasn’t any news that the mail box was shining back at him with a blank face, not at all. By now he was far too used to the uncomfortable sensation that, as he had long before understood, carried the name of disappointment. It was always the same, each and every time he logged into his account.

Even after yesterday, after what he ’d come to find out , Haruka didn ’t expect anything different.

The red digits of the clock, standing on the old chipped nightstand, showed it was already past 7:00, and he was yet to have a bath, put clothes on, make himself some mackerel and leave to catch a place in the heavy morning commute, all of it so he could be in a school by eight.

Impossible.

Pulling the woollen duvet up over his head, Haruka stubbornly burrowed deeper into the sheets and refused to move a muscle. He would miss a day of school, so what? Who would preach him? Who would scold him for it? Makoto? A silent chuckle escaped his lips. The world would have frozen first, for sure. Haruka was an adult now. He himself was responsible for his life.

He was free.

Wasn’t he?

Haruka stared at the shining display that was mocking him for something he had done, or maybe, on the contrary, hadn’t. Or perhaps it didn’t have anything with his acting, or not acting. It was just as possible he merely got entangled in a game of some sort that he didn’t even understand in the first place. Let alone knew the rules.

Either way, the outcome was ever the same.

 

_ From: matsuokar@gmail.com _

_ To: haruchan@yahoo.com _

_ January 17, 2014, 21:29 _

 

Hey Haru, 

How’s it goin? It’s freaking hot here, can’t wait to see some snow for a change. So…I’ve been thinking about middle of March, what would you think?

I set my personal record yesterday, HA! Next time it’ll be your turn to lose, Nanase!

PS: Melbourne was a blast, wasn’t it? That face of yours when you lost to that British dude was irreplaceable :D

P.S 2: Good god, do something about the stupid email address. What are you, a preschooler?

 

_ From: haruchan@yahoo.com  _

_ To: matsuokar@gmail.com _

_ January 20, 2014, 04:38 _

 

Rin, 

The middle of March is fine with me. Nagisa opened the account for me.

Melbourne was fine. I wouldn’t have lost if you didn’t make fun of me and distract me.

You will never beat me, Matsuoka.

Haru

 

_ From: matsuokar@gmail.com _

_ To: haruchan@yahoo.com _

_ February 21, 2014, 23:12 _

 

Ha, should’ve know Nagisa was behind it :) You can still ask Makoto, if you want to open another one. Or even I can do it, if he’s busy or anything.

So I was looking for the plane tickets and I found two versions I could manage with my budget. It’s either the March 24th or April 25th. But the first one has an arrival time around midnight, so it’s kind of fucked up, cause I’d waste the whole day for traveling.

And I wasn’t distracting you on purpose, I just can’t help my charm, s’all ;)

Haru, you’ve got some big mouth, I tell ya! So I will never win, you say??? Just wait until I get there…

R

 

_ From: nanaseharuka@gmail.com  _

_ To: matsuokar@gmail.com _

_ February 22, 2014, 05:26 _

 

Rin,

I’m not an idiot. I could do it by myself, as you see.

24th of March is better.

Don’t promise what you can’t deliver, Rin-rin.

Haru

 

_ From: matsuokar@gmail.com  _

_ To: nanaseharuka@gmail.com _

_ February 26, 2014, 22:46 _

 

I swear, Nanase, there’s a dark side to you that no one knows about ;) and I never said you’re an idiot, I just offered my services, that’s all :)

Why is March better? I told you I’d lose a day, dumbass. But whatever.

Btw, should I fetch some hotel, or can I crash at your place? Or Makoto’s, eventually? See, Sousuke lives with these three dudes, two of which I know from Samezuka. Trust me, you wouldn’t touch that place with aten-foot pole, it’s a sewer, at best.

I have a new roommate, by the way. At last, cause I was running out of money paying for such a big place by myself. Jane’s her name. Cutie pie, I’m sure you’d like her.And she says hi  ☺

Good night, Haru-chan.

R

 

_ From: nanaseharuka@gmail.com  _

_ To: matsuokar@gmail.com _

_ February 27, 2014, 03:29 _

 

It’s sooner.

You can stay with us, there’s a free couch in the common area. Though I’m afraid Nagisa demolished it last time he slept on it.

Why would she say hi? She doesn’t know me.

P.S: Well, now you know.

Haru

 

_ From: matsuokar@gmail.com  _

_ To: nanaseharuka@gmail.com _

_ February 28, 2014, 22:49 _

 

:)))))) Fine. Sooner’s better, no doubt. 

She doesn’t know you, personally, but I might have talked about you. You know me and my big mouth :)

You said I can stay with you, so you have a roommate too? Nah, it’s just like you to keep something like that a secret :) Is she/he any cool? :)

Do you want me to bring something from Sydney?

Haru, is it too much to say I can’t wait?

R

 

_ From: nanaseharuka@gmail.com  _

_ To: matsuokar@gmail.com _

_ March 1, 2014, 02:19 _

 

Don’t talk about me with others.

Roommate, who? I meant Makoto, of course.

It’s not too much, Rin. 

 

_ From: nanaseharuka@gmail.com  _

_ To: matsuokar@gmail.com _

_ March 10, 2014, 17:26 _

 

Rin,

I didn’t get any answer from you. When will you come exactly? You want me to collect you at the airport? I tried to check the airport website, but it’s too confusing. Let me know.

 

_ From: matsuokar@gmail.com  _

_ To: nanaseharuka@gmail.com _

_ March 14, 2014, 23:19 _

 

Haru,

I’m sorry, I couldn’t get to reply to you, things are sort of crazy in here. You see, something came up about my training program, and so it seems I’ll have to stay here for a little longer. I’ll let you know as soon as everything’s sorted out.

Rin

 

_ From: nanaseharuka@gmail.com  _

_ To: matsuokar@gmail.com _

_ March 16, 2014, 07:46 _

 

Rin,

Ok.

Haru

 

And then, nothing. 

Haruka could hardly count all the messages carefully written and readied to be sent, even though it never happened in the end. He said that he’d write himself, after all.

If only it was easier to fall asleep at nights.

Then maybe he’d actually be able to put up some show at training, instead of standing on the starter’s block and looking like a total dumbass for not hearing the coach’s whistle demanding him to dive.

_ I really did it, didn’t I? I forgot about the water. _

The thought was hardly believable.

The prickling pressure in his stomach intensified. Rolling onto his back Haruka mulled over the unbelievable happenings of yesterday. Hearing Nagisa’s chirping voice over the phone might not have been a surprise altogether, but the unexpected call so soon in the morning implied that something off hung in the air.

He was never too far from truth, when it came to Nagisa.

And yes, just like that, the news was out there on the table. Although Nagisa might have apologized a million times over and claimed he was under the impression everybody knew it, the apparent lack of change in his cheerful voice after the cards were put on the table implied otherwise. Not only had Nagisa known, he was well aware that Haruka hadn’t.

So…

Rin would be visiting Japan. Soon.

And he knew nothing of it.

Period.

As if that wasn’t enough to stomach for a single day, Haruka had had to actually see _his_ face that very same evening. Bad luck, hah... Dragging his exhausted body back home a _damned_ half an hour earlier than usual, he expected Makoto sitting above a pile of books, or running around the kitchen like a lost puppy, or watching stupid TV shows he would never admit to watching, or _fucking anything_ but skyping with Rin and his…what, roommate?

A girlfriend?

Haruka rubbed his closed eyelids with the heels of his palms before they could do something funny. _That guilty look on his face_ … At least he had had the decency to not meet his eyes after the first awkward minute passed, and - Jane?- the girl asked to be introduced to another _friend_ of her precious Rin in English that bore a simple, but charming accent he could not place _._ The word stuck halfway from the ears to his brain.

Friend. Was he, even?

Now, to be completely honest, she wasn’t half that bad. Haruka secretly wished she would have been. Even in the terms of Haruka’s non-existent interest in other human beings, it was apparent in the looks Rin and Makoto had both given her each time she’d spoken, or laughed. Blond hair, round face, plump lips. She was as far from girls they all know from home as she could get. And maybe he wouldn’t have called her beautiful, but she had something endearing in her eyes when she smiled.

It was unfair. Because Haruka knew that under different circumstances, had that scene been happening in the world where he himself wouldn’t have lost his mind for…well, he would have probably approved.

Rin had looked at her with admiration. And not that it mattered all that much…it really didn’t.

It _didn’t._

But…those kind of looks Haruka knew. He knew them all too well. Because - he was not all that stupid. Because, frankly, he knew that once upon the time he had been the one on the receiving end. Because it was all lost now.

He rolled to the other side of the bed in a futile attempt to find a way to shut up his brain, but stilled immediately when the creak of a door reached his ears.

“Haru?”

So he hadn’t left yet?

The wave of anger, the very same one that washed over him when Makoto’s surprised face turned to him from a lit computer screen, swayed in his guts again. He clutched the fabric of the duvet in his fist, hoping desperately that somehow, in Makoto’s own specific way, he’d get that this was definitely, ultimately not a good time for the discussion he most probably came for. There was not a thing he could say to his best friend at that moment.

“Haru, please, don’t be mad.”

Shameful as it was, and he knew he’d later feel guilty as hell about it, he despised him right then. Because, _shit_ , Makoto knew. Not everything, since it was never as if they sat and talked about it, but Makoto just _knew_   him in a way Haruka wasn’t sure he understood himself. And he was pretty sure he could not have contained all those currents and undercurrents, flowing wildly through him, strongly enough when he came back from Melbourne. Or the first trip to Australia with Rin. Or, honestly, any time they had gone out together before.

He had seen it in the mirror himself, anyway.

And despite the fact that Rin or anybody hadn’t said a word about the upcoming holidays in Japan during the Skype call, all Haruka needed for confirmation was one look into Makoto’s eyes.

Not that he met his gaze very willingly after the call ended, though.

So…not only was it true, but Makoto knew Rin was coming, too. It wasn’t all that surprising since, most probably, everybody knew except Haruka.

It stunk of betrayal, anyway.

The door closed, at last.

At the time he’d sent those emails he was dead sure that Rin would not move a brow over the fact that they, in reality, didn’t have any couch he could sleep on in the common area – apart of the two worn out TV chairs, small coffee table and accordingly looking cabinet, the tiny room was still empty, even more than half a year after they moved in.

Now…it seemed like the stupidest thing to think, ever. It wasn’t only a question if Rin was that easily swept away by someone else. Because now, _damn it_ , it really seemed that Haruka had just made it all in his mind.

It didn’t matter, he told himself, over and over again.

It didn’t.

It didn’t.

It didn’t matter.

_ But, hell it did!  _ BecauseHaruka had read each and every letter of the emails again and again - previous night, just as during so many others before - digging for a clue, but all he’d found was the same. That there _was_ that “something _”._

Something that he had brought with him back from Australia. Something that made his stomach tighten in knots; something that, apparently, even Rin was aware of once upon the time.

Just. S _omething_.

What had happened, then?

Yes, it seemed as if Rin had stopped writing after he mentioned he lived with Makoto, but… Haruka’d always thought of Rin as a smart guy – even though sometimes in a fairly stupid, stubborn way - so he simply could not believe he’d, even for a second, thought something funny about the fact that Haruka shared the place with him. They’d been best friends for all their life, after all.

So there had to be something else.

And that something was _her_ , of course.

Haruka let out a resigned sigh through his nose, pulled one of the pillows from underneath his head and tossed it between his body and the wall. Scooting over he pushed an aching back against it and firmly shut his eyes. _Well_. He’d sworn yesterday he was never going to do it again, but, shit… What was he supposed to do?

He spent the whole night in a state of permanent anxiousness, falling in and out of a hollow sleep. The dreams that kept waking him up had never forgotten to shake him right to the core.

How pathetic, really, was he that even in a night like that, when he had been pretty much shown a middle finger right to his face, the only way to fall asleep was to pretend he was not alone in the bed?

The feeling he usually got from the warmth behind him wasn’t the same, though. Because this morning, he could hardly pretend anymore that it was something else but his own body heating up the fabric of the pillow, sending it back to his muscles. There was no one there. But he leaned into it anyway, praying for the already familiar picture of a strong arm circling his waist to emerge fast and drown him into slumber – the picture that had used to help him fall asleep instantly for many, many nights.

And it did again, eventually.

While in a death of a night, everything might have been written to a mere dream, Haruka had known then he hadn’t been in one. The embrace had felt far too real for that. The embrace he had obtained once in the southern hemisphere while he had lay on his side, wide awake long after the lights went out, and the English words ’ _night, night_ ’ _,_ soft, yet heavy all the same, spoken right behind his ear. When he had opened his eyes again, the arm had been gone, but the warmth lingered deep in his bones.

When he woke up, the sounds of the condo had been dulled by lazy afternoon.

***

 

“Nanase!”

Haruka’s head snapped in the direction the sharp yell came from, and he let the weights slowly fall from above his head down onto the floor. Dry-land coach’s bulky figure occupied almost the whole space of the door on the other side of the gym as he motioned for him to move his ass and follow him out. If the sour expression on the man’s face wasn’t enough for Haruka to know that something brutally unpleasant had happened, then the growl in his voice certainly did.

“Tatano-san wants you over. Get out.”

Haruka stared at the man while wiping sweaty face into a towel. As much as he hated dry land training and would’ve used any excuse to avoid it, he didn’t particularly like the idea of having to run all sweaty through the whole university outdoor area in a surprisingly cold middle May evening.

“Now?”

“No, next year, dumbass. Move your ass and make it short, so I’ll see you here again before we’re done. Understood?”

He merely nodded and moved to fetch his belongings from the bench before he headed to the locker room. Passing the wall with a clock that showed it was well after 7 p.m., Haruka wondered idly what could be so important to snatch him in the middle of a weight-lifting session. It didn’t sound like Tatano at all, since, after all, it was exactly his swim coach who prodded him about his lack of muscles in the first place.

He jogged all the way to the main school building, a thin windbreaker doing next to nothing against the freezing droplets thrown in his face by a chilly wind. It seemed a downpour was on the menu for tonight. A smiling face welcomed him as he entered Tatano’s office, just before he sat down on the old chair in front of the table.

“Nanase-kun, I’m terribly sorry to bother you during the training...oh, is it raining outside?!”

The man looked sincerely sorry, but it helped nothing with a strange twist in Haruka’s chest. What was he here for?

“A bit. Yes.”

“Then there’s one more reason to apologize, but, hopefully, you’ll see it was worth your time in a minute. Let me fetch us a warm cup of tea first.”

Haruka stared at his own arms folded on his chest and fought against the sudden urge to rise and flee while the older man rummaged around the small kitchenette, standing in the far corner of the office. Although distantly aware of his own leg jumping in distress, he was determined to stay collected.

And not jump to any premature conclusions.

The fucked up yesterday’s training was a mere fact though, and same went for his times as of late, which were truthfully nowhere close to the ones he was capable of getting. While he was still able to beat other swimmers he raced at the school’s natatorium more often than not when he stepped onto the starter’s block, it just…wasn’t the same.

And it wasn’t just about the few chosen ones that ruled Toyo university’s waters and were, for some reason, unbeatable – like Yamato Hagino, to be specific. Because they had tons of experience Haruka didn’t and they had been doing it for much, much longer - as Tatano stated himself. He didn’t think much about it. It was, after all, just a matter of mere time before he would get to a similar position.

No, this was just about himself.Because it had been months since the downward spiral of his times started, and no matter how much time he spent in the pool, or how many flutter kicks he did on the mattress of the gym, it just had no effect at all. And while he was, at the moment, still ranked among the best that swam under Tatano, he knew it was just a matter of time he wouldn’t be. And it scared the shit out of him.

Sometimes he felt like laughing.

Over himself, specifically.Especially over his past self, who had made sure to put a show of not caring about anything one too many times to be believable. Neither his times, nor wins. Nothing at all, actually. And despite not being certain about why exactly he cared _so much_ now, he just did.

So when Tatano’s slender figure turned his back to him while gathering pieces of a tea set, he found it quite reasonable to have doubts...and fear the consequences.

Maybe Rin had been closer to the truth than he knew himself, when he mocked him through those emails, after all. Because Haruka wasn’t completely sure if there was a vast difference between being a preschooler and a freshman pretending to not fail at being a professional athlete.

“Nanase-kun, let me ask you one question.”

“Yes, sensei?”

“Does your decision on the matter we discussed at the beginning of the semester still stand?”

Haruka blinked in confusion, staring at the back of Tatano’s head with a frown. Where was this heading? While it was flattering in a certain way that his coach remembered the topic they had talked about many months ago – if that was what Tatano was onto here anyway – Haruka had never presented it as a definite decision, nor had he done any steps to follow the idea in a terms of putting it into reality.

“You do remember, don’t you?”

“…I remember.”

“I’m talking about your wish to transfer abroad after the summer. Is it still on?”

Haruka’s gaze fell to the wooden surface of the table in front of him, but it helped nothing to wipe a vivid picture of red hair from his inner sight.

His decision, huh? Was it ever an actual decision? Had he really put it that way? He didn’t remember presenting his thought in such a decisive, confident way. It had been more of a silent question directed to Tatano after a training session, muttered in the heat of an almost won race against Hagino and a night spent halfway composing an answer to Rin’s email, halfway lying wide awake - a strange current running up and down his arteries, effectively preventing him from sleep.

There was amore important issue now, though. So – was it still on, or not?

Coach’s body turned ever so slightly as he tossed a curious look over his shoulder, while he waited and waited for an answer that wasn’t coming his way. Haruka’s brain short-circuited, running around searching for a clue that would help him and solve the crossword he had been successfully avoiding for quite a long time.

“I – I guess.”

It wasn’t like him to stutter at all, and he saw it in the quirk of the man’s brow - that he, firstly, noticed the inner battle that ran wild in Haruka’s head, and second, didn’t like the answer one bit.

“You guess. Well, Nanase-kun, I certainly hoped for something different to hear. But,” he smiled wryly, “I guess it’s what we have to go with for the time being.”

The sharp sound of a door slapping abruptly cut off Haruka’s trembling thoughts and, with a dull echo, resonated through his chest. As if in a surreal dream he watched Hirai - _that Hirai_ of the Hirai swimming team, a nation-wide known star of Toyo University - invade the scarce space of the office, cross its width with a few confident steps and throw his body into the chair next to him. Black eyes turned to him - scanned him, evaluated him - before a wry smile appeared on the thin lips.

“You must be Nanase-kun, am I right? I’m Hirai, but you probably knew that already."

Haruka merely nodded. The beating of his heart picked up a pace of the raindrops hitting outside the window pane. The man’s long face turned towards Tatano’s small frame, still hunched over the tea set on a tray, with his usual frown.

_ What the hell was going on? _

“Now, now, Tatano-san, I don’t have a whole day. Let’s get it on with.”

“Patience, my friend. We’re perfectly ready, only waiting for the other side to start.”

_ Start what? _ Haruka watched the small steps that his coach took with an unstable tray in his hands with silent bewilderment, only then noticing it carried three cups of steaming tea. He blinked, awakening from a stupor and opened his mouth to speak.

But words stuck somewhere between his lungs and lips as a silent, yet recognizable, sound filled the room. Haruka’s throat constricted automatically at the Skype tune, even if it was beyond ridiculous, since, for the starters, he’d never really talked to Rin through the computer beside yesterday’s night with Makoto and that girl, and second, it was beyond possible that such a dreamlike scene he unexpectedly found himself in now would have actually involved even the subject of his worst nightmares.

Provided this wasn’t the nightmare itself.

He didn’t know how to control the track of his own thoughts anymore, and that realization made his heart skip more than a single beat.

Tatano’s hands hastily pushed the tray aside and turned the wide screen of his PC towards the both of them. The smile he threw into Haruka’s face was warm and reassuring, but it did not warm, nor reassure him in a slightest.

“Here we go,” Tatano-san sing-songed before he answered the call.

It could have been all just a mere hallucination, a dream, woven from the unfulfilled desires Haruka wasn’t even aware harboring deep between the cells of his betraying brain. Because a cold, yet genuinely curious gaze moved from Tatano’s speaking figure in the direction his own face must have been shown on the screen that, somewhere on the other side of the ocean, stood on a wide wooden table.

It could have been, but it wasn’t.

In the midst of words spoken in a language that was not his own, Haruka found himself on the verge of passing out, since he somehow forgot to breath - somewhere between the stranger’s casual _hi there_ _folks_ and Hirai’s grunted _watch your mouth, this is Japan, if you haven’t noticed,_ with more than a slight Japanese accent. And when the track of the conversation took a horrible turn and focused on him _,_ demanding actual answers presented in articulated English, he was certain a terrible hum of the waves wasn’t only in his ears – he must have been drowning for real.

“Mr. Nanase, I’m absolutely pleasured to finally meet you. Even though it’s only through the computer screen.” Man’s face lit up in a friendly smile and Haruka released a choky breath.

He understood.

He could actually really understand an actual Australian, an actual whole sentence.

There was no doubt about the man’s descent; even if Haruka’s experience with foreigners were just shy of non-existent, the softness of the language was so alike Rin’s learned English that he had no problem whatsoever with its identification. A wave of nervous energy washed over him as he stared back, still lip-sealed and awe-struck. Only when a reassuring palm rested on his shoulder he seemed to wake from the stupor.

He nodded. At that, the man gave him an apologetic shrug.

“I’m very sorry, Mr. Nanase. I had been informed that you are currently studying advanced English, but should it be overly stressful for you, we could ask Mr. Tatano to translate.”

“No.” Haruka almost spat in an attempt to stop the man from taking this chance away from him. “I’m sorry. Sorry.”

The man’s friendly face smiled again and Haruka felt the sudden urge to try better, if only to help make this whole situation at least a fraction less awkward than it’d quickly become. Which, as it turned out, wasn’t all that easy after the grumpy puff from his side pulled all their attention to Hirai’s annoyed face. And especially after the words that followed.

“Maybe if you’d let the boy know your name, or who you actually are, he’d be able to find his tongue somewhere.”

The man’s mouth instantly created almost a perfect “o” as a realization hit him, and his hand snapped up behind his head to run through the dark strands there, his face lighting up with a sheepish smile.

“Crikey! I’ve completely forgotten to introduce myself! Damn, I’m so sorry! So, so sorry!”

“That is fine.” Haruka managed to push the words through the pursed lips, shocked and shaken to the core by the man’s sudden outburst of emotions.

“Well, well,” Tatano’s calm voice that carried traces of amusement helped to somewhat ease the tension. “It’s my fault, to be completely honest. I sort of wished to surprise Nanase-kun, and I guess I succeeded, although in a slightly different way that I wanted to.”

Haruka released a shaky breath.

After a moment or two he could almost breathe freely again, and although the situation still made him more nervous than curious, the easy banter the men exchanged had a somewhat calming effect on him. And Tatano’s easy-going and friendly nature definitely helped too.

“Nanase-kun, let me introduce you to a very good friend of mine, Troy Martin, the head coach of Sydney university’s swimming team and the newly named coach of Australia’s national team.”

Haruka’s eyes widened with sudden terror and if his heart didn’t fly out of his chest and right out of the window to the downpour at that moment, he wasn’t sure where it was. Because he was almost certain that he could not track the pulse in his veins for at least a whole thirty seconds, all the while all of the three other men waited patiently for his reaction.

And they sort of got one.

“I…” He started after a solid while of awkward silence, but honestly didn’t even know what that intended sentence was supposed to be. Or maybe he was the only one that created the awkwardness in his head, because Tatano’s soft laugh soon filled the room with soothing warmth and Martin’s toothy grin threatened to make contact on the other side of his head.

“Breathe, kid,” Hirai’s snappy voice ordered as he slapped Haruka’s shoulder, but he was almost sure there was an unwanted, although amused, smile hidden somewhere between the letters. “Or else it’s gonna get into his head. He’s arrogant enough as he is now.”

And so he did. He drove the breath slowly and with much effort inside, and felt his brain starting to function again.

“I-I’m pleased to meet you, mister.” Haruka’s words apparently surprised them the same way as they did to him.

“Spiffy!” Martin exclaimed. “So they were right about the English. One less problem, then. Now, to let you know, Mr. Nanase, I had been informed around the beginning of this year by the good friend of mine, Mr. Tatano here, that there is a certain excellent young man, which would like to try his luck with the team at our university. You must understand,” the man said and his expression suddenly turned into one of a pure seriousness, “this is not the regular way of student recruitment. It is only due to your coach and mentor’s word that we are having this conversation.”

He fell silent for a while, exchanging a friendly smile with Tatano, who sat now by Haruka’s right side.

It was incredible. And unbelievable. And Haruka thought he could feel the reality crawling in as a fat worm, as a very important thought activated his neurons.

_ This is really happening. I have a chance. _

_ Do I still want it? Despite everything? _

Because no matter how he looked at it, how he tried to see it from different angles, one thing was quickly becoming more than certain.

Rin didn’t want him in Sydney. Rin didn’t want him - at all.

***

The genkan was strangely silent when Haruka stepped in, and he could not help the wave of relief that washed over him. But sure as hell, before he even had a chance to take his shoes off, Makoto’s somber face emerged from behind the corner.

“Haru.”

He sighed and nodded, exhausted and in a mood far too sour to allow any place for socializing. And it was the moment he lifted his hand to reach for a hanger, when his brain finally kicked into action. Haruka moaned, rubbing his face with a palm of his hand, and Makoto’s face instantly turned into the one of a horrible premonition.

“What is it? What happened?”

“Nothing.”Haruka said and his words were merely a murky whisper.

But it was not that simple, unfortunately. Because _damn_.

_ Damn it. _

He’d forgotten about the dry-land training that he was supposed to come back to after he dealt with Tatano.

Not that there was any regular training session by the time Haruka, Hirai and Tatano had finished, but he knew the coach. With the probability closing to certainty, the man was going to make his life a living hell now.

“Haru,” Makoto’s voice interrupted the stream of unpleasant images flowing through his head, “I need to talk to you.”

“Not now. I’m tired.”

Silence.

He walked pass Makoto’s tall figure and didn’t even have to side-glance at him to know that he was shuffling from foot to foot in a vain attempt to push against Haruka’s definite rejection. And if he expected the man to back off as always, this time he was, unfortunately, very wrong.

“It’s important, though.”

“I said I-”

“It’s about Rin.”

And, truthfully, there weren’t many things at the moment that would have instantly sent Haru’s heart into a wild gallop. But - _hell_.

Makoto definitely managed to find one. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, guys! New chapter’s here. Enjoy!
> 
> NOTE: NOW BETA-ED!!! My endless gratitude and indebtedness go to marbled_maven for all the hard work!!

 

“I thought you wanted to talk.”

“Yeah.”

So why had they been sitting at the kitchen table for ten minutes already without uttering a single word was a question that Haruka would’ve quite liked to know an answer to. He came to know every single pattern on the scratched wooden surface, analyzed the way the artificial light coming from a ceiling lamp kept breaking on the empty glass in front of him, listened to Makoto’s nervous inhales and exhales, all the while trying not to throw up.

Honestly, it was way past time for Makoto to open his mouth.

The faint ringing came from the direction of his room once again, as if someone on the other side of the line had an idea how desperately they needed to tear apart an unrelenting silence. Haruka didn’t even move a brow over the sound this time around.

Why would he? It felt like an inane part of this weird movie-like scene anyway.

“Aren’t you going to pick it up?” Makoto’s voice was low and it trembled around the edges. “It’s like the sixth time.”

“No.”

“A-alright.”

And here they went again, falling into silence for the nth time. Makoto’s face turned into the impersonation of tension again, and only when Haruka’s heavy sigh filled the kitchen, his suddenly terrified eyes snapped up.

“Makoto, it’s fine. I know about Rin.”

_ You can give up trying now. _

“Huh?”

Haruka almost smiled as he watched his friend blink a few times in rapid succession, and his cheeks turn pinkish. Almost. Makoto lowered his head, and when he let out a shaky breath, this time it seemed to be more from relief. And as if a heavy burden had been taken away from his shoulders, he straightened in the chair. It creaked under his weight.

“Nagisa called.” Haruka added, if only to make this torture end faster.

“Oh.”

And _that_ was supposed to be the only reaction Haruka was going to get? He waited and waited, until the moment stretched into minutes. Because it was one thing to put the cards on the table, but completely different to read them. Because he wanted to get at least something from Makoto’s lips; what he would offer as a matter of an explanation. He didn’t need an apology, no.

But this, this was _not_   enough.

The wave of anger threatened to overwhelm him once again. But then, as he pushed his muscled into action, placed sweaty palms against kitchen table to hold his weight and stood up, the weak voice delivered words he wanted - and didn’t want to hear - at once.

“You’re mad, Haru. You’re mad...at me. But…I know how it’ll sound, but…it’s really not my fault. It’s not. Believe me. He made us all promise.” And if that didn’t feel like a slap across the face, what came next finished the job for sure. “He’s a friend, Haru.”

So what?

So _what_?!

And Haruka was not? _Was he not?!_ He didn’t deserve even the courtesy of having the most basic information? Was it so damn easy to throw him out of their loop? Hadn’t their little group spent years together, had fun together, gone to school together, only to be ripped apart by one single man that, for some reason, decided that Haruka was not good enough for him?

Where was the logic in it?

_ Us. He made us all promise,  _ Makoto said.

Haruka wandered what kind of gathering wasplanned for the next few days? How Makoto wanted to explain all the time spent outside, anyway? Did they really think something big like that would stay uncovered? Did they really think Haruka was so stupid?

Then why, for god’s sake, had Nagisa decided to act against it?

He realized, all of a sudden, that for being so preoccupied with the idea of Rin being in the same city, he almost missed another thing. That because of that idiotic promise Haruka had lost the chance to see all of his friends.

The chance that was probably not going to reappear for many months ahead.

Living in a big city like Tokyo was hardly bearable sometimes. White noise of the busy streets kept coming in from dawn to sunset, and he was not fond of it, to say the least. Sometimes he thought about how it would feel to call it a day and return to the silence of Iwatobi.

But there they were: Makoto, only one wall apart; Nagisa, who texted and e-mailed and yelled to his ear more often than he’d like to; Rei, whose kind messages made slowly crawling weeks easier to deal with. It’s been months since they’d spent time together.

So…

If Rin wanted to avoid him and keep his whereabouts secret, that was one thing. But, hell, _they_ were there too. They, who belonged to Haruka’s life. _Not Rin’s only._

They were Haruka’s first, not his.

What right did Rin have to snatch them away? To made them promise to keep their visit in Tokyo a secret? _How dare he?_

He wanted to scream, to get it all out. To find the way how to deal with it, without breaking apart. To ease the pressure that kept swelling in his chest since Nagisa’s call and, honestly, for many weeks prior. To do anything so it wouldn’t burn so damn much. Anything would’ve been enough, really.

Standing in the tiny kitchen, under the cold white light of the old lamp, Haruka had never prayed more for being able to snap.

But, for some reason, the words never came; not now, not ever. They seemed to be reserved for a special occasion that almost never bothered to show up. Perhaps if Rin was standing right there in front of him, like he had that one time in a locker room, Haruka’d be able to find his voice. He could yell then, but now it felt like a hundred lives ago.

So he did what he always had: looked to the side, bit his tongue and kept his face straight.

“So…how are you dealing?” There came the faint question. He almost laughed.

Apart from wanting to break something in half?

“Fine.”

Exquisite. Awesome. Unbelievably _fucking_ good.

“…You’re not going to do something-” Makoto stopped himself in a last moment, but his futile attempt to swallow the word ’ _stupid_ ’ was way too comical. “-like…before?”

_ What? _

Haruka could not fight against the sudden urge to furrow his brows.

“What are you talking-” He tried to ask, made the effort to put his confusion into actual words, but a sentence died on his lips, unfinished.

Because a bubble they shared almost burst under the unexpected attack from outside. And this time, it was not just an easily ignorable phone ringing.

Makoto’s head snapped in the direction of the front door, and Haruka’s eyes followed right after.

“You expecting someone?”

And maybe if this somewhat intimate moment with the two of them facing each other - hearts heavy - felt that it had at least a faint connection to reality, Haruka would’ve been pissed off even more. For being interrupted. For having the opportunity to ask and find out everything about Rin’s fucked-up reasons ripped out of his hands.

Now he was just confused.

“No.”

He watched in a dreamlike state as Makoto stood up and walked with unsteady legs to the front door. It opened with a soft scratch against the wooden floor.

And if Haruka hadn’t already been sure that the universe had something against him these days, it certainly happened when the pair of light brown eyes lifted from under black fringe and threw daggers his way.

“Well, well, look who’s not dead, after all.”

*** 

What was it with the weather this spring?

The days when the world was not bathed in a moody grey light could’ve been counted on the fingers of one hand. It rained and rained. The downpours had stolen the soft pink petals of sakura trees that came into bloom unusually soon this year, and washed them down into the city’s drainage system.

It was almost June, already, and the streets were lined with trees that didn’t seem any different from the ordinary ones. He didn’t mind.

One less reminder to have in front of his eyes, every day.

Haruka jogged through the park in the light morning rain, trying to ignore the way damp shirt and hoodie stuck to his skin and made him shiver with displeasure. It was far too cold for such extravagance – or stupidities; depending on how you put it. But he’d had to get away. Had to find a peace of mind somehow, even if it meant to catch pneumonia.

It was just like his mother to show up right on Sunday, when the school’s natatorium was kept under lock. And effectively rob him of the one thing that could have calmed him. Since swimming anywhere else would have meant putting up with tens of unknown people, he now really had no place to go.

_ Damn _ .

Her arrival came out of the blue, and, as usual, at the worst time possible. _Why was she here?_ For what reason did she find her presence in their tiny condo, and his life, desirable

He hadn’t seen her in such a long time that he’d already stopped counting. It was months, maybe even years. And now she was here, expecting something Haruka was sure he could not provide. He had enough problems to deal with as it was.

He hadn’t asked her questions after she walked in yesterday night - heavy baggage in hand, usual arrogant smile on her face.

He hadn’t asked what that was all supposed to mean. _How come_ she was there. He hadn’t asked what it was she wanted. Or where his father was. Not even where she intended to sleep.

Not that she gave him any chance.

All possible niceties were abruptly cut off by a single statement of hers, claiming to be extremely tired. Since, apparently, Haruka was not to be reached for the whole night, he was the reason why she had to carry a heavy load from the station to their place on her own. Beyond doubt it was also the reason why she had to walk in a drizzle that kept falling from the dark sky, and probably was going to catch a cold. It was also reason for many other things Haruka stopped listening after a solid while.

He might have been the cause of an earthquake, for all he cared.

But what he did care about was something else. As he watched, without word, the door to his own room closing behind the suitcase and her tiny frame, he fought against the sudden assault of childhood memories that he was not ready to deal with at the moment – not when Makoto, standing beside him, was not on his side anymore.

The pictures kept coming back, anyway.

And then he lay awake on a spare futon in Makoto’s room, banished even from the only place he’d been able to find any semblance of calmness. He had no other pillow, no wall to soothe the burning need.

He was sure he was alone in it, drowning in the strangely opaque sea of fears and doubts, but maybe he was wrong, after all. Because then something moved in the dark, and there came a soft whisper.

_ “I’m sorry for being such a coward, Haru. I didn’t know…I couldn’t find a way to tell you.” _

Haruka nodded in the dark, knowing all too well that nothing could have been noticed, and turned around. Without a word. Up until yesterday there was no need for anything more in the world the two of them shared. And while he didn’t know if that was still true, he had no courage to test it. Soon enough, Makoto’s breathing turned into deep, regular inhales and exhales, leaving reality and Haruka behind. He was one lucky bastard.

It was around four-thirty when the display of his phone lit up with a soft beep. Had it be any other time of a day, and his brain was able to exhibit any functioning activity, Haruka would have certainly decided against looking.

Only it was not.

So, after few moments of self-loathing, dedicated to the ultimate loss of an ability to think rationally, he reached out for the devil’s invention. He tried to calm down.

_ It isn’t him. _

_ It can’t be him. _

And it was not, of course.

 

With the pain intensifying in his lungs Haruka broke into a run towards home, heading to what was unavoidable.

So…Rin might already be here.

In the same piece of world called a city. Maybe less then few hundred kilometers stood between their bodies at the moment; maybe even less. Who knew?

The thought kept coming back and was unrelenting like an invincible army. Unfortunately, at least a dozen emotions accompanied it every time it attacked Haruka’s mind; from anger to a strange form of a nostalgic sadness.

He could hardly decide which one of them was worse.

The first thing he noticed as he opened the door was an odor so unfamiliar for his and Makoto’s home that he almost turned around to check the nametags outside.

_ Not that, again. _

Haruka walked in with silent steps, as if he could rouse a wild animal from its sleep. He almost snickered; the metaphor might have been closer to the truth that he wished to. The blinds were drawn, unknown dark ruled the apartment at the early hour of the day.

She sat at the kitchen table, expressionless face turned towards TV, which run on mute in the common area. The door to Makoto’s room was ajar; soft light, coming from his window, fell onto the tatami.

A thin streak of smoke danced in the half-lit condo.

He stopped a few steps behind her, placing keys onto the cupboard. She didn’t even notice him.

“You’re not allowed to smoke in here.”

Her head snapped to meet his eyes, wry smile showing on her lips before she turned back to the TV, and Makoto chose that exact moment to come out of the room. His smile was strangely shy when he headed for the fridge. As if it was not him, who was at home here.

She had that kind of effect on people, wherever she appeared.

“Do you have a balcony?”

“…No.” Haruka muttered after a while and wiped the sweat, which blended on his brows with the cold raindrops.

“It seems we run out of options, then.”

He turned for his room, heading to get himself a set of clean clothes. The answer came easier than he thought it might have to.

“There’s still outside.”

And it was one thing to hear her dry laugh, but completely different to face Makoto’s shocked expression.

_ Yeah, well. _

There weren’t many who had the opportunity to get a glimpse of the heart-warming relationship the two of them had shared for many long years now. Since she and his father had left for who knew where, to say the least. Truth be told, she’d never been an overly motherly type, not even before.

How funny that even Makoto, who knew him the longest, had no idea of how fucked up his life really was.

Haruka walked back into the kitchen and watched her put out the cigarette into the cup that was, apparently, supposed to serve the function of an ashtray. His favorite, of course; it wore a childish depiction of a shark, biting into a beach ball. He sighed and looked away.

How typical.

His mother stood up and headed towards his room. But he wouldn’t have expected her to leave any bitter remark without answer. That just wasn’t her.

“Polite as always, Nanase Haruka.”

He reached for the window handle and pulled roughly, until the old frame finally let go. Fresh air flew into the room like a deep breath of spring.

But he would not let her have the last word. He was not a child, anymore.

“Poor upbringing, I guess.”

Haruka more heard than saw how her steps halted in the darken room and how long black hair swayed fiercely behind her once she vanished behind the door. He wished she was anywhere but here.

“Ha-Haru.” Makoto’s appalled words were the only ones that filled the suddenly still condo.

But the feeling of accomplishment was far too intense to do more than notice this reprimand.

 

***

 

_ You have two Facebook notifications _

****

**28 May**  

** Otsuka Miyake ** invited you to play **Farm Heroes Saga.**

** Nagisa Hazu Hazu Kiiii ** invited you to event **Australians gloriously take Tokyo**.

 

_ What the fuck? _

It was around four-thirty when the display of his phone lit up with a soft beep, and it was around four-thirty-four that Haruka put his phone down without running the Facebook app. That four minutes of staring on the one particular sentence was just enough to live through the various attacks of shock, rage, disappointment, plain wonder and, finally, resignation.

Well, thank you very _fucking_ much, Nagisa. Haruka was pretty sure he would not have survived without knowing about the page’s existence.

He couldn’t read it then, lying next to Makoto’s peacefully sleeping figure. Hell no.

But now, sitting fully clothed on an empty bathtub’s edge while drops of sweat ran down his spine after the morning jog, he thought that maybe…he was ready. He had to look anyway, eventually. One day. Only maybe not today…

_ No. _

He _had_ to _._ He was not a coward.

The pile of clean jeans and shirt slipped off the chair and fell to the floor in a mess of fabric. He didn’t care. All Haruka could do was turn the phone around in the palm of his hand and stare off into the distance.

_ Come on. Let’s do it. _

In a sudden moment of courage he ran the app and waited. And waited, and waited, and cursed slow internet connection more than a few times. At last, the page loaded.

And there it was.

All that he feared, served on a silver platter.

The moment he had read the notification Haruka knew exactly what would be the very first thing that he’d look at. And he was right, of course.

 

_ Guests _

_ 6 going, 1 maybe, 1 invited _

 

She was there between the 6, that much was certain. All he knew was her first name and a face, and it sure was just enough to recognize her. What would he find there, on her wall?

Pictures of them, together? Statuses full of confessions?

Haruka didn’t dare to find out. His eyes traveled down.

The page was created more than three weeks ago, apparently, and it somewhat explained how they organized themselves without letting Haruka know. That is to say, behind his back. Because they never showed anything out of ordinary on their regular walls. This one, though, was full of Nagisa’s blabbering, occasionally interrupted by Rei’s short comments, or Rin’s complaints.

All of them seemed to be about plans on what to do, or where to go. Sightseeing and stuff. The last post was from yesterday evening.

 

_ Y’all! We landed at Narita twenty minutes ago. Can’t wait to see you tmr. Night-night, guys! _

 

The pain was immediate, and like a mattock it hollowed within.

It petrified, so he could barely breath. Haruka drew in the air in a vain attempt to push it away.

No chance for it, though.

Five minutes later hot water was burning maps onto the skin of his body, sensitive lips and eyelids, and found its way into his ears. That’s how he liked it. Only sounds he heard were those of the immediate world around him, distorted further into dull whines and moans. The water was a miracle of nature, for sure.

It used to soothe literally anything that he kept obsessing about. But that was before. Now, all he could do was stay under the surface for as long as possible, hope that the burning in his lungs wouldn’t come and draw him up again.

 

_ Join. Maybe. Decline. _

 

Haruka decided against any of them. Picking the first would make him look too eager to go. Second and third too offended to go. None of it would do, he thought.

The whole thing about the invitation made him wonder, though. Considering that what Nagisa had told him through the phone was in direct conflict with the fact that it was him, who added Haruka to the group after the three weeks of its existence, it was reasonable to doubt what his friend thought about Haruka’s intelligence. Not too much, apparently. 

Well, well.

He could barely afford to add a seizure of self-confidence on the fucked-up list, couldn’t he?

“Hahu?”

The sound of his own name came in distorted, but it was enough to bring him back to air, and his senses as well. _Makoto_. His friend stood in the tiny bathroom and wore a guilty face.

“Sorry for bothering you, but…” Haruka watched him fiddle with the rim of his shirt. Makoto cleared out his throat. “You know, we’re supposed to meet them in an hour.”

_ Now were they? _

He didn’t recall any post of that content on the page, so they had to agree on the meeting by other means. How the hell was Makoto expecting him to know that, then? Never mind. He leaned his head against the wall and firmly shut his eyelids. He had exactly zero intention on going anywhere at the moment.

“What is she doing?”

“…She’s been in your room since the morning. I don’t know. Maybe she’s sleeping.” There was a beat of silence before Makoto’s soft voice filled the small room once again. This time, it was barely a whisper. “You could have said something. I didn’t know…I didn’t have an idea how bad it was.”

It didn’t take a scientist to figure that Makoto was still talking about his loving mother. Rin was now a topic too hot for handling. He sighed, exhausted.

“It’s fine. Makoto?”

“Yeah?”

“Close the door behind you.”

There was a creak as old wood moved with much effort, but where Haruka anticipated a click of a lock, there came nothing. When he opened his eyes, Makoto’s long figure was still there, face turned towards the door.

“I don’t want to pressure you, Haru. But I think you should come today. Or at least tomorrow’s dinner. It’s not… it’s not that Rin doesn’t want to see you. I think… it’s…just complicated.”

_ Thanks, but no thanks. _

“Have fun, Makoto.”

In the mist that gathered above the water Haruka’s eyes closed again, and he pulled knees up to his chin.

_ Don’t go without me. _

_ … _

_ Tell me if they’re together. _

***

 

“Alright, we’re done for today. Get out! Except Nanase. You,” the coach pointed towards Haruka, lying on the mattress with hands folded behind his head, panting heavily.“Another hundred.”

_ Well _ .

There was exactly zero chance the coach would listen to any explanation Haruka could have offered. What did it matter that it was not his fault, right?

He rather closed his eyes and wiped the sweat off of his mouth with the back of his hand. The truth was, though, that he’d rather spend the whole night here than go back home. Sitting at Makoto’s table and staring off into the distance, while his ears were oversensitive to any sound that would come from the next room, was not an ideal way to spend Monday evening. Or any, for that matter.

The only worse scenario could’ve been meeting her somewhere within the tiny space of the kitchen, or common area. Since she came he had no moment of his own, and it was starting to take its toll. He _needed_ his own space. Craved it, could not function without it.

Not that he and Makoto would fight while sharing a place, no. They never did.

Yet it, at the same time, didn’t mean everything was okay between them.

And now that Makoto spent all his free time who knew where, laughing with _them_ , hanging out with _them_ , having fun with _them_ , being between the walls of his room had become almost unbearable.

Haruka’s phone lay turned off deep in a drawer of Makoto’s table for the whole Sunday. Yet, as he was leaving for training at noon the next day, his eyes involuntarily wandered to the door to his own room.

Was she still sleeping?

And, completely against his own will, he had to wonder.

What was it with her?

_ Was she alright? Was she sick? Or was something else happening? _

Who knew? But the thought squeezed his guts in an unpleasant way, made him take his shoes off, listen behind the thin wood, and, at last, fish the phone from the depths of its shelter.

'What ifs' haunted his mind the whole train ride to the school.

The strange feeling didn’t leave him at peace for the whole day. And now he didn’t know what to do with himself. Because, each and every time he remembered, he dreaded looking at the lit up display that he’d find something from them – like Nagisa pushing him into coming along, or Makoto’s concerned _How are you? –_ and, at the same time, didn’t dare to not look, for she might be in a need of something.

How ironic that even after everything he still felt obligated.

What a good son he was, wasn’t he?

It was way past eight when Haruka finished the last push-up session, and was released to go his way. He hoped beyond measure that the fact that he survived through it obediently, and without a single word right to the very end, would be satisfying enough for the coach. And the whole vengeance thing would be behind them for good. 

He walked, spent and beaten like perhaps never before in his life, through the spaces of emptied locker rooms. There was nothing to do to postpone checking for missed calls again, no one to talk to – not that he’d done it normally, but maybe tonight he finally had a reason to, Haruka mused and reached for the locker.

Yes, the universe had some kind of twisted sense of humor as of late.

 

_ Matsuoka Rin, 19:32 _

_ Come to dinner, Haru. Please. _

 

Haruka sat down on the bench, suddenly too heavy to hold his weight alone. The punch between his eyes would’ve hurt less than those five words.

Why? Why did the man have to do that?

_ Why? _

Was he really not getting how fucked up this whole game was?

Had this be some kind of a movie, then maybe, _maybe_ , this sudden turn of events wouldn’t have been that much of a surprise; Haruka wouldn’t have been caught off guard like a little boy. But, as life went, he’d bet everything he had that Rin wasn’t that cruel. That he’d, eventually, give up on toying with Haruka and let him be.

Not a chance, it seemed.

And if it wasn’t for the burn that suddenly appeared at the back of his eyes, maybe Haruka would’ve kept his face straight. But there was no one to see. No one to hear. No one to pretend for. He lowered his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.

Yet he couldn’t let go.

Because what were tears, dripping onto the tile floor, going to change about the fact that he had become someone’s punching bag?

_ He hated this. _

He hated it so _fucking_   much.

Once upon a time all he’d ever wanted from life was to be left alone. Lying in the bathtub, hidden between the walls of an old Iwatobi house, all alone. It would’ve been fine, it would’ve been okay.

Maybe it wouldn’t have been exactly happiness, but it would’ve been enough. Just enough.

Up until _he_ ’d come, returned from the distance Haruka could never reach on his own and changed everything.

And now the only way to spend life was to suffer through the hell he was living in at the moment, and it so wasn’t worth it. It really wasn’t.

So where was the sense in that, twenty minutes later, Haruka was running through the evening chill in the direction of the station, hair still wet from the shower, blood running through the pulsing veins like a subway train?

The only thing he knew was that he had no other option.

Because he was too much a goner.

Then, in a parallel world Haruka’s heart had gotten lost, he stood in front of the crowd and Rin’s hand was entwined in another one.

And when the vibrant blue eyes turned his way, he realized it was not what he’d been expecting all that time, and instinctively took a step back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. Still no answers, only more questions. But we’re slowly getting to the more entertaining chapters, trust me.  
> 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: NOW BETA-ED!!! My endless gratitude and indebtedness go to marbled_maven for all the hard work!!
> 
>  
> 
> Soooo, guys!
> 
> I really wanted to post this yesterday, but this chapter is way too long, and it took me AGES to edit it into a readable state. Like always, I’ve read it thousand times over, but you know how it is - I seem to be blind to my own typos. This one is still not betaed, but let’s hope that the next one will be. Yay!
> 
> Now, to the point!
> 
> This one is "little more conversation, little less action", but I hope I’ll make up for it towards its end ;)
> 
> And, yes, I wanted to say, guys, feel free to comment, comment, comment! You can’t imagine how much it means to me to have some feedback from you. It’s an enormous boost for my motivation, as well. :)
> 
> Now, stop talking, and let’s get down to business. Enjoy!

Between two beats of a runaway heart, Haruka became only sure of one thing.

_This_ was not Rin.

Or, rather, it was not the Rin he knew.

Haruka’s feet came to a sudden stop where the gap broke within the crowd, lungs gasping for oxygen after the long run from Otemachi station, and his eyes inadvertently turned towards the red stain burning among the dozens of people.

Yes, there was something terribly wrong with the sight, and it was not only an unknown girl that held Rin’s hand.  

Haruka held his breath, blinked few times and let his brain do the math.

_Well_.

He learned by now that there’s that one thing no one tells you when you’re leaving behind a youth spent running around between low buildings of your small town, heading for the cool big city life.

That in the city, the night is always bathed in yellow.

And it is always, _always_   covered by pink, dull sky that stubbornly refuses to surrender to the stars’ light.

No, they never tell you, and it’s not surprising at all. Because those who weren’t ’blessed’ enough to live there could hardly understand how it is to lay awake in your bed at 3 a.m., and stare at yellow stripes, drawn on your wall by persisting street lighting that leaks through the blinds. They keep your eyes transfixed and mind unable to get rest. And then those, who were born under the skyscrapers, or live there long enough, naturally didn’t mind – they hadn’t even noticed that something was wrong.

But for someone like Haruka Nanase it felt like living on a different planet.

And now, standing at the foot of a who-knew-how-many-floored building, strong artificial street lightning and advertisements kept changing the colours of everything – hoods of cars passing by on the busy street, leaves on the few trees that lined its pathways, even the skin shade of the people walking by.

A normal person shouldn’t be flustered about such insignificant things, though.

Unfortunately, to the eyes of someone who let himself submerge into the mechanics of drawing or painting, it meant difference as big as the world itself. Because once you’d understood delicacies of colours, brought your eyes along the shapes of things around you, it was impossible to go back.

And even though Haruka never thought for a second that what he did with pencils during lonely sleepless hours could be called art, he knew he saw the world around differently.

Because he could hardly look at something without analyzing its shapes, angles, curves. His brain kept counting individual parts, observed the way they were connected, or analyzed from which direction the light fell. It never failed to prepare a mental image for later purposes. Even if he scarcely put it down on paper, it usually stayed there.

It was not a surprise then how easy it was to notice the littlest of a change.

Like, for instance, how the red hue of Rin’s hair, usually so special and inimitable under the daylight, looked bland and hollow as he stood within the tight group of people. How freshly cut his hair was, brushed back with every single hair on its exact place, instead of its usual messy way. It should’ve probably looked cool, or sexy, or something.

To Haruka it looked plain stupid.

Rin was definitely not the only one standing on the busy street, but Haruka could hardly see anything else. His brain refused to pay attention to the rest of universe in more than rough contours. There were cars honking on his left as he was crossing the road. Over there on his right, it must’ve been a pretty bad quarrel as people yelled at each other.

Was it his name flying through the suddenly electrifying air?

Haruka’s legs moved unconsciously, and until there was barely fifteen meters dividing him from the front gate of the restaurant’s building, his eyes took in all those littlest of things. And then some more.

The details like how Rin seemed to be even taller than when Haruka’d seen him the last time. How strange his face looked without an electric grin, plastered there since dawn to the sunset that day they had parted ways. How oddly the new fancy clothes hung on his body.

Or how weird his long fingers looked curled around someone else’s hand.

Haruka’s eyes traveled slightly to the right and his eyebrow furrowed.

_The fuck…who was she?_

He’d never seen her before, never heard about her. 

And during a single second that Haruka was willing to take his eyes off Rin he noticed how symmetrical her body was, tall and lean with long limbs. Her long dark hair was shiny, reflecting the lit name above the building’s gate. As if she could feel his stare, her eyes turned in his direction and scanned the street.

He fought the need to hide behind the crowd again.

But she didn’t look right at him, though, didn’t even know who he was. And it was for the best, because Haruka’s eyes were glued to her hand, and Rin’s hand, each entwined in another.

So…

He got his answer, after all.

“Haru!” A yell fought its way through the street’s rumble right to his ears just as Makoto’s face emerged from behind his back. “I called for you. Didn’t you hear me?”

A tone that Makoto used made Haruka tear his eyes from the pair and glance at his friend, almost bewildered. Was he being scolded?

Like…really?

He lifted his eyebrows and Makoto’s angry expression instantly softened. Haruka watched him hesitate, but then his long body moved and took a space between him and their group.

Now, this was going to be interesting.

“Makoto, what are you doing?”

He watched the panic reflect within the green irises.

“I’m sorry, Haru. But don’t go there, now. I…” Makoto trailed off as he threw anxious glances over Haruka’s shoulder. “Trust me. I’m so sorry. Please. I’ll explain everything later.” His voice carried an unexpected urgency. 

“I thought you wanted me to come.”

“Yeah, I kn–”

“Haru-chaaaaaan! You’re here! Fiiinaly!”

Haruka knew it spoke volumes to Makoto that his stare never wavered, not even when Nagisa’s small frame hung on his neck and yelled to his ear. For if there was one thing he didn’t like, it was being ordered around. And his best friend knew it all too well.

“Thanks for directions, Nagisa.” Haruka said after a while, voice even.

Makoto’s face fell and his eyes filled with resignation as Haruka let himself being dragged forward by an overexcited blond. 

“No worries, Haru-chan! Let’s go, you get to meet the girls!”    

“Nagisa…” Makoto’s weak voice followed them, but slowly died out in the noise of the street. Neverthless, it made the blond look back.

Haruka would’ve sworn that when, at last, Nagisa’s face turned towards him and threw a smile his way, it was way too false even for him.

“Come on, they’re waiting.”

 

It was a good thing Rin was keeping his distance and held his girlfriend away for as long as possible. Haruka was sure he was not doing it consciously, but it gave him a chance to get himself together before he stood there, in front of the newcomers. Nagisa clung to his right shoulder, and even if Makoto only stood silently close to his left arm, their presence helped. Rei’s surprisingly somber face emerged from behind Rin and also took place at Haruka’s side.

The simple gesture showed Haruka belonged with them, and it felt somewhat easier.

“Haruka-senpai, it’s a pleasure to see you again.”

“Rei.”

This was _almost_   fine. Having his old friends close was so nice that he wished to forget how they lied and wanted to avoid him.

“Congratulation on your graduation.” Haruka added, and Rei nodded, sad smile playing across his features.

“Thank you.”

“Now, now, Haru-chan! Don’t forget about our guests!”

As if on cue the blond girl that he knew from the Skype call stepped closer and smiled softly.

“Hi. I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m Jane Anderson, Rin’s roommate. We’ve been introduced already.” She bowed slightly, and Haruka fought the urge to reciprocate the smile. Her voice was gentle and he liked the sound of it.

There was another thing that he liked, though.

As her head lowered, the cascades of blond waves fell around her face and hid it underneath them. Haruka watched, transfixed, how the light danced on the glossy locks. It was artistically beautiful.  

She looked up, probably wondering what took him so long, and sighed. Then her eyes moved to the tall girl next to her.

“I thought I was getting better at this.” She straightened and shrugged, while the mischievous smile played on her lips. “Never mind. It’s nice to meet you in person, Haru. You don’t mind if I call you Haru, do you? Rin calls you like that all the time and I don’t think I can get used to something else now.”

“No.” Haruka said, not even aware in what language he was speaking. “I don’t mind.” Jane obviously understood as her smile widened, so he let it go.

And it wasn’t as if he didn’t know Rin was standing there all along as Jane was speaking, no. Or that he wasn’t aware of the proximity. He was, all too well, actually. The girl’s mouth moved, but he was hardly able to catch a word or two. But the decision he took was definite.

_Don’t look at him._

Haruka narrowed his eyes in effort to bring his attention back to Jane’s rambling.

“It made me so happy that you’ve found time to come with us. We’ve been told how busy you are. But I’ve heard a lot about you and I wanted to see if all that was true.”

_She did?_

_What was it? What did he tell her?_

The look in her eyes said she did not miss that something was happening inside of him, and he hoped she was not the kind of person who would dig into it. Haruka’s eyes snapped to Jane’s right, where the unknown girl let go of Rin’s hand and stepped forward.

“I, unfortunately, can’t say the same, but nevertheless…” She trailed off and he couldn’t decipher the way she scanned him from the head to toe. But she was not smiling anymore. “I was told I have the same eyes as one of Rin’s friends, and it seems to be you.”

Well.

If there was something that Haruka _didn’t_ want to hear at the moment, it was that the two of them had something, _anything_ , in common. He felt his muscles contract, and Nagisa’s hold on his shoulder intensified.

_They were_ not _the same. How ridiculous though._

He looked to the side, annoyed.

But, notwithstanding how much Haruka loathed it, it was rather hard to deny how familiar the girl’s appearance was. And it was not because he’d seen her anywhere before.

It was, _damn_ , because standing face to face with her like this intensified the feeling that he was looking right into a mirror. She was almost of the same height too.

Someone behind the girls’ backs snickered, and when Haruka glanced up, he knew the night could not go any better.

_Fuck._

_Yamazaki Sousuke?_

_What was_ he _doing here?_

But of course, he was also Rin’s friend. Why would he not be here, bothering Haruka with his existence, right? Right?

The guy’s stupid face showed quite a high level of amusement over the scene he was just privy to. Yet, Haruka somehow knew it was just the tip of the iceberg. Once the idiot was there, he could look forward to some pleasant times.

“Well,” the girl sing-songed, when the silence stretched fairly awkwardly and looked back at Rin with a meaningful tip of head.

_Don’t look at him._

_Don’t look._

And when Haruka’s eyes slipped against his will, he saw what he wanted and didn’t want to see at the same time.

Rin was not looking at him.

He just stood there with a blank face, looking slightly standoffish as he slowly pulled his hands out of his pockets and ran a hand over the slicked hair. It was probably just an act to appear much more collected than he was, but Haruka had to admit that he, also, found some charm in it. Rin did not meet his eyes even when he waved between them, gesture too casual for Japanese manners.

Not that Haru cared about such things.

“Haru. Meet my girlfriend, Kawasaki Anna. Anna, Nanase Haruka.” 

Rin was speaking in English as they all were up to that moment, and it was obviously for the sake of girls’ understanding. And Haruka had to wonder.

Was she Japanese?

She looked like one, as he himself did, Haruka though bitterly, though her English bore a strange, not at all Japanese accent.

“It’s nice to meet you, Kawasaki-san.” He said and watched how her blue eyes widened in sudden surprise. He couldn’t tell if it was genuine, or not.

“Oh! Isn’t it cute?! I just love it when people learn a few phrases so good it almost sounds as if they’ve mastered the language! You see,” she turned back to throw a look Rin’s way. “I told you we’ll manage to talk somehow.”

Haruka loathed her instantly.

Rin’s lips become a thin line as he placed a hand on her shoulder and pushed her gently in the direction of the entrance.

“Let’s go. The reservation is for nine.”

She threw one more smile his way and turned to lean into Rin’s touch. This time, there was nothing friendly in her eyes.

Haruka felt Nagisa extricate from his arm and the blond looked up to stare at him. The cheerful face was gone. It appeared as if he was on the verge of saying something, but it vanished like a charm. Nagisa grinned and darted in the direction of the restaurant.

Now this was becoming weirder by the minute.

_What the hell is happening?_

Yes, the girl’s appearance was definitely unfortunate, but it was no reason for his friends to act like this. Was it because they felt guilty?

Yeah, that must’ve been the reason, he decided.

But it didn’t help that Makoto and Rei remained oddly silent the whole time until the three of them reached the glass door and entered the building, and the same went for the horribly awkward moments of waiting for an elevator. Nagisa’s blabbering in broken English was all that filled the building’s entrance hall. Both girls were smiling politely and nodding here and there as if they actually cared for what he was saying. Half of it was hardly understandable, anyway.

Makoto stubbornly avoided meeting Haruka’s eyes, and rather stared at his own shoes. But he always moved close to him, wherever he stood, or walked; never once wavered from his side.

It oddly reminded him of a bodyguard.

Haruka searched out Rei’s eyes, but all he got was another sad smile. He felt his guts twisting in knots that threatened to break the somewhat calm expression he was able to hold up until now.

The very last moment before the elevator fell open with a soft ding, Haruka looked up and Rin’s dead serious stare, reflecting on its mirrored door, burned holes into his face.

Something was _very wrong_ with all of this.

 

Of all the possible scenarios how the evening could’ve been going, the universe, for some fucked-up reason, decided to choose the worst. And it was not only because Rin was seated across the table, his back facing the glass wall of the restaurant with the oh-so-famous view, so anytime Haruka wanted to look elsewhere than into his platter, his eyes met red orbs.

It was also because Yamazaki chose to sit right next to him, effectively pushing protesting Makoto aside. Haruka was dead sure that the man didn’t do it so they could share Christmas stories. 

And when he leaned into Haruka’s side, ignoring the appetizer lying on the table in front of him, the suspicion had been splendidly proved.

“I didn’t know Nanase dolls also came in female versions.” Yamazaki kept his face straight as if he just asked about the weather outside, and went on. “At least they seem to make them with more than one facial expression.”

Haruka had a sudden need to find out how chopsticks in an eye socket looked.

He rather stared into his Seafood Carpacio, which probably cost more than three full mackerel dishes he would’ve had for dinner usually. At least he was not paying for it, he thought. Well, yes, it was quite a gesture from her to invite all of them. She claimed that since the place to eat was apparently her choice - on her father’s recommendation – it was only fair.

Only Haruka couldn’t help the feeling that he didn’t belong to a place like this.

And, for some reason, it also didn’t make him any happier that she seemed to be on the wealthy side.

Unlike him.

And yes, they all talked, and talked and _talked_. Left side of the table with Yamazaki, Makoto and Rin kept exchanging news, heavy baritones of their voices sending thrills through the air. Although, from what Haruka heard, Makoto didn’t seem to participate much.

It was obvious that Haruka wasn’t needed in the discussion, so he kept his mouth shut and ate.

And then the right side spoke mostly in English, even though it was apparent that Nagisa was trying to teach Jane a few Japanese phrases. Even if Haruka apparently spoke the language better then all of his friends together, it was too damn convenient that Anna and the rest didn’t know. Just let them think he doesn’t understand.

Now he could just sit and listen.

And, mainly, to try to slow down the gallop in his chest. He closed his eyes for a little while and exhaled deeply. It was just a matter of one or two hours anyway, wasn’t it? He could stand it for that long.

_It’s not that bad._

Then he’d be happily stressing about everything in the safe shelter of a warm futon.

The sounds around him danced in a soothing cacophony. Clicking of silverware; a distant woman’s laugh. Someone placing an order at the next table; the children passing their own, running and screaming.  

_Just calm down, damn._

_You don’t care that much._

And after a while it was better.

Only when he opened his eyes again and looked up, all calmness he had roughly won was instantly gone. Because Rin’s stare was unwavering, and irritatingly observing. And because there was something deep in his eyes, something misplaced, and indecipherable.

Haruka knew he shouldn’t. He _shouldn’t_ have looked, _shouldn’t_ have stared back, _shouldn’t_ have even reciprocated. But how was it even possible when those eyes were everything he’d been seeing in his head for god-knows how long.

_Why is he looking at me like that?_

And since that moment Haruka knew he lost again. Because every little thing Rin did was sickeningly captivating: the way his right eyebrow twitched when someone around the table said something especially stupid; how he never once missed to look up just as Haruka’s gaze turned his way. Then, especially, how his hands quivered while trying to get parts of cold fish into his mouth. 

It made Haruka feel somewhat better that, at least, he wasn’t the only one nervous here.

But it helped nothing with the reality Haruka lived in. Because there was always that girlfriend, which belonged to the man that kept throwing looks his way.

Was Rin even aware of what he was doing?

Because, _yeah_ , those looks were sad, and burning, and penetrating at the same time. They were everything but friendly.

And they were awakening a strangely hot sensation inside.

_Is he trying to flirt with me with his girl sitting next to him?_

The though made something definite click inside of him.

He had to get away, as soon as possible. He was not going to be someone’s toy here.

_Just find some excuse and take off._

Someone on the other side of the table cleared his throat, and Haruka’s eyes snapped to Rei. Was it only him, or did he just shake his head a little?

And if it wasn’t for Yamazaki’s silent chuckle that reverberated in his chest, he wouldn’t have even noticed an awkward silence that suddenly dominated the table. The idiot leaned into him again.

_What the hell happened?_

Haruka knew his eyes must’ve had a panic written in them when he searched the people around the table for an answer. But everybody seemed to be completely absorbed by the content of their platters. Rin’s eyes met his for a second, and it was obvious he wasn’t aware of anything strange.

But it was there, nonetheless.

Could it have been that… they noticed _them._  

When Nagisa’s voice finally pushed forward, a warm feeling of appreciation that at least something was happening quickly turned into one of dread.

“Well, Rin-chan. Tell us how you and Anna met. I’m sure everybody would like to kno-”

The sentence stayed unfinished, though, as Nagisa’s voiced suddenly turned to a yelp. Haruka wouldn’t have wondered if someone kicked him under the table.

Well, _he_ so didn’t want to hear anything about how the lovebirds found each other.

He waited and waited for the words to come, to definitely tear asunder the rest of his hopes. Yet there was nothing. And when he looked up, Rin was still staring right at him, not even noticing someone asked him a question. His eyes were strangely clouded.

“Well,” Anna’s impatient voice interrupted the silence, and she put down chopsticks. “I have no problem telling you. I’ll keep speaking in English, if you don’t mind, since almost everybody here speaks it. And someone could translate for the rest.” She threw a contemptuous look Haruka’s way, as if he didn’t know she was talking about him. “You see, me and Jane have been best friends since we were children. So when I moved to Sydney at the beginning of March, I naturally spend a lot of time at her place, and she at mine. That’s how I and Rin met. And then,” she smiled sweetly at Nagisa, “I became quite fond of this amazing, caring man. So when he asked me out, I had no objections.”

“That’s nice,” Nagisa’s voice lacked its usual cheer when he spoke, but he went on, nevertheless. “Well…there’s one thing I’d like to ask you, but you don’t have to respond if you don’t want to.”

“Go on.”

“Are you Japanese? Because I can’t see you as a born Australian.”

Anna actually laughed at that, even if a bit somberly.

“I’m half Japanese from my father’s side, half French from mother’s. I was born in Paris, but grew up all around the world. Mostly Sydney, though. So, no, I’m definitely not the born Australian.” 

At last, just as Nagisa’s admiring _Oh_ flew around the table, Rin’s eyes were gone. As if she could sense it, Anna’s expression relaxed an inch and she smiled.

“So you can speak French?”

Haruka knew it was futile, but he wished she was ordinary at least in something.

Bad luck.

“I can speak pretty much all the most commonly learned foreign languages. French, English, German, Spanish and a little bit of Chinese. Though, I’m not fluent in the last one. Oh, and Japanese, of course.” She laughed, this time lightly. ”But enough about me. Tell me something about you, guys. I’ve heard lot about your swimming friendship.”

_Swimming friendship? What the actual fuck?_

And if it wasn’t for Yamazaki’s hot breath that filled his ear all of a sudden, startled Haruka might’ve held the track of his thought.

“Sorry, I thought she was only your female version, now I see she’s also upgraded.”

“Shut. Up.”

He leaned slightly away from the man and placed the fish of the main course, which miraculously materialized before his eyes on the table, into his mouth. When the hell did they bring it up? Everything was starting to be too confusing.

And it was also quickly becoming unbearable.

Was it possible to stand up and leave now?

Because if sitting here and listening to all of this bullshit wasn’t some kind of twisted self-torture, Haruka didn’t know what it was. It _fucking burned_ even on a normal day, when Rin was far away in a different country, doing god-knows-what with his new girlfriend, and that ’something ’ Haruka had created in his head seemed to be even less real than a dream.

But this, with him sitting a mere meter apart, well this was plain masochism.

Haruka felt his insides turn upside down, bathed in rage that ascended from the depths of his stomach.

Because after everything, _despite_ everything, he was still sitting here, making an idiot out of himself. While, after they were done here for today, Rin was going to go to bed with her.

He hated it all. Hated how Rin’d changed on the outside, and mostly how he hadn’t changed a bit on the inside.

For he was, apparently, still the same kind of player as before.

But when Haruka couldn’t stand it a second longer and opened his mouth, Rin’s reaction shocked him more than the sound of his own voice, which suddenly silenced the table.     

“What happened to your hair?”

Haruka watched Rin’s tense expression turn into an openly sour one as he pushed himself off the table and reached under it for chopsticks that fell out of his hand.

“You alright?” Anna’s face was an epitome of tension.

“Yeah, yeah,” Rin said, and when he continued his voice was rough. This time he was talking to his plate. “It’s called style, Haru. Not that you know something about it, as it seems.”

_The hell._

Now, that was a pretty shitty thing to say, even for him.

Haruka’s eyes ran around the table. Almost everybody tried to look elsewhere, except _her_.  Of course,Anna was looking right at him, her gaze unpleasantly penetrating.

_Damn you, idiot._

_Who do you think you are? Does having a fancy girl, wearing fancy clothes, and sitting in a fancy restaurant make you any better all of a sudden?_

Not that Haruka usually put much effort into looking stylish, but it was hardly possible to catch up to the people dressed-up to the occasion of eating in a high-class place like this, and Rin must’ve known it. He was, after all, running right from training.

He pulled on a sleeve’s fabric so the little hole on the seam of his hoodie wouldn’t be that visible, and lowered his head.

“You know, Rin, sometimes you could try to filter what comes out of your mouth before you open it.”

Haruka’s head snapped to the left and stared, amazed. But Yamazaki only dug into his meal as if nothing of the weirdest kind just took place. Haruka almost laughed. Because if there was one thing he would’ve never expected in his life, it was Yamazaki taking his side. He blinked few times, but it didn’t make any more sense even as seconds ticked by.

Rin looked affronted, when Haruka finally turned eyes his way, and he obviously decided to avoid any eye contact for the rest of the evening.

_Thank god._

But the relief of the realization didn’t last too long. Since Nagisa had made a decision to keep the conversation alive at any price, and was currently entertaining the table with old stories from high school. Not that anyone was having too much fun at the moment. For some reason even the dead fish on the table looked more lively than the atmosphere around it.

Haruka tried to catch at least something of Nagisa’s never-ending jabbering.

“…and his swimming style was so captivating that Rei instantly decided to join the team and try to learn to swim the same way.”

Haruka felt an irrepressible urge for face-palming.

_Why, Nagisa?_

“Yeah and Rei’s never forgotten to call Haru-chan’s style beautiful. Because it is! Dang! It might be the most beautiful thing you’ll ever see in the sport’s world, girls. It’s a true art.”

_Stop him, someone, please._

“Nagisa, that’s enough.” Haruka muttered into his plate, but it was obvious he was heard, because Anna’s face turned to him once more.

“Why, _Nanase-kun_? I’d love to hear it, actually.”

“So!” Blond’s voice chirped along. “We used to call him a dolphin, because he’s so natural in the water as if he was born in it.”

“ _Nagisa_.” The blond ignored threatening in Haruka’s voice and continued, unfazed. Yamazaki beside him chuckled, obviously having good fun.

“Why, Haru-chan? It’s true, nonetheless. And I’m not saying anything bad about you.”

Haruka sighed, suddenly very tired. He almost missed the smile that was thrown his way. It could’ve hardly been faker.

“Well, I’m not sure Nanase-kun would be too excited about the nickname, if he knew about the true nature of the animals you named him after. Or perhaps he already knows. No?” She went on, when Haruka simply shrugged it off. “According to my knowledge they tend to quite aggressive behavior, and are far from their public image. They are considered violent predators with a predilection to baby-killing and rape. I’ve read somewhere they sometimes mount other males in order to assert authority.”

_Well._

One thing was sure. She didn’t like him, alright.

“Oh. Is that true?” Rei’s gentle voice cut the silence. “I’ve never heard about it.”

Haruka watched her nod and continue eating as if she said nothing at all.

Well, it was _just about time_ to leave.

He waited a polite few minutes - so it wasn’t terribly obvious - excused himself from the table, and actually made an effort not to run to the bathroom. Although when he reached the sinks, his legs were shaking, and knees weak. And if it was not from the stress, then definitely because of the pair of hands that pushed him into the cubicle, just as he was opening its door.

“What the…Nagisa?!”

“Haru-chan! Listen to me, now.”

“What are you doing here? Get out!” Haruka yelped as blond's body clung onto him.

“I’ve been waiting all night for this chance. But I could never get you alone. I’ve got something very important to tell you.”

“You can’t tell me outside? I was going to-”

“No!” The urgency in Nagisa’s voice was hard to miss, and his cold-sober face added to the seriousness. “They think I’m at the bar. They wouldn’t let me tell you…”

A horrible premonition grabbed at Haruka’s guts.

“Tell me what?”  

There was a beat of silence before the blond inhaled deeply and locked his eyes with Haruka’s.

“Why Rin didn’t want you to know he was coming.”

If a heart could be stopped on the spot, then Haruka’s certainly was.

 

 

He didn’t remember coming out of the cubicle. Didn’t remember walking out of the bathroom, nor did he know how he found his way to the table.

The first thing his mind registered when his brain kicked in was that he was standing there, behind Yamazaki’s back and searching for Rin’s eyes. And he did find them, he did.

_Why?_

Although it took two glances before Rin’s eyes definitely rested on him, and understanding filled his face. He hunched under Haruka’s stare, as if he awaited a punch.

_Why did you do that?_

“Is that true?” He whispered into the clamor of the room. Rin blinked few times and gulped down, even if he could’ve not possibly heard what Haruka was saying.

And for the first time in ages he felt as if all those things that kept accumulating inside of his chest for months might fly right out, uncontrollable. They’d been knocking on the inner wall of his chest for long enough, and now fought their way through his throat.

An unstoppable force threatened to destroy him and everything around.

“Is that true?!”

The table fell into instant silence once again as his yell echoed through the restaurant, and sound waves reverberated from the thin wine glasses. Yamazaki turned in his chair, face characteristically serious, and he was not the only one.

Haruka distantly noticed that few other tables were looking their way.

“Haru.” Rin’s voice was thick with something indefinable. “Stop yelling.”

The chair under Yamazaki creaked as he was looking back and forth between them with a frown.

“What the hell is happening here?”

But the haze chaining Haruka to Rin’s eyes, who now refused to reciprocate the gaze, was too strong to make place for anything else.

_Why are you doing this to me?_

_To yourself?_

Haruka had used to think he could make it through everything. That being on his own for such a long time - to never have anyone to lean onto, to ask for help - made him somewhat stronger.

That he found the way to deal with life. To take what it brought calmly and without inappropriate emotions accompanying it.

Oh, how wrong he was.

“So?” Yamazaki was obviously losing his patience when nobody around the table was keen to cut the tension. “Is someone, _anyone_ , going to open their mouth?!”

“I dare to say,” Rei’s silent voice echoed against his plate, at last. “That Haruka-senpai just gained knowledge of the fact that Rin-senpai has quit a swimming career and changed schools to attend a police academy in Sydney.”

If there was a tense silence before, then now there was plain vacuum. Yamazaki blinked few times, as if he was trying to decipher the words, and cleared his throat.

“What?” His voice was hoarse.

“I said-”

“I know what you said! And I’m asking – what?!” Haruka watched as Yamazaki’s bulky figure turned fully towards Rin’s grumpy face. “What the fuck, Rin?! Is that true?”

“Gentlemen, please.” The waiter materialized from thin air, and looked them down with a scolding expression. Haruka ignored him, and so did the rest of the table.

_“_ It’s not your business, Sousuke.” Those words were probably not what Yamazaki expected to hear, because he shot up from his chair. His hands turned into the fists.

“The hell it’s not!”

At least Haruka was not the only one who didn’t get to know the news. And maybe, _maybe_ , in a different scenario, it would’ve helped him to deal with the strange burden that was born in his chest and was quickly growing into enormous size.

But nothing could change one fact, which Yamazaki was obviously too slow to grasp.

“What the- Wait…”

_Well, finally._

“Police academy in Sydney? What are you gonna do with such schooling back in Japan?”

_Exactly…_

Because Rin was not going to do _anything_ in Japan. _Ever_.

He was going to stay there. Live there. Marry the girl. Make her kids. Work there as a fucking _cop._

And forget the miserable life Haruka was left to live here.

“Gentlemen,” The waiter pushed himself into Haruka’s field of vision and placed hand on his shoulder.  “I’m very sorry, but I am compelled to ask you to leave.”

Haruka shook off his hand. The man was _not_ allowed to touch him.

“I will.”

Now, when it didn’t matter anymore, it was almost too easy to take a step closer and look right into the Rin’s eyes. They never left him during the dinner, but now, ironically, were skimpy for looks. Rin didn’t look up, not even when Yamazaki’s baritone roared and huffed and swore. Not ever.

Being asked anytime before Haruka would’ve swore that he never could find the right words when they were needed the most. Or any, for that matter. And even if he did, he would’ve rather bit his tongue and walked away.

But he was so fed up with Rin’s stupid decisions. And, to be honest, with Rin himself.

He took another step forward and pointed at Rin’s face.

“You’re going to regret this for the rest of your life.”

And maybe there was something broken in Rin’s face when he finally looked up, but Haruka only turned slowly and walked away. No, it didn’t matter anymore.

Rin was already gone, even if he was sitting only a few meters away.

Now…

It was time for a reality check.

It was time to let go.

 

The foyer was quiet, apart from a distant mumble that here and there escaped from constantly opening doors as personnel walked in and out. The marble floor that Haruka stared at was covered by massive carpets, making even those distant sounds somewhat duller.

Numbers above elevator’s shiny door were changing, too slowly, never fast enough. But he was in no hurry.

Where would he go, anyway? 

What would he do, once he got away from this room, from this building? The night sky outside was most likely still the star-less, unchanged face of nowadays’ life. There was nothing up there to lean his eyes onto, nothing so basic, so primal that Haruka would’ve exchanged everything he had at the moment for one damn star above his head. It would’ve reminded him of home.

Of times when everything was dull, but safe.

Where he didn’t have to dread every single minute that was yet to come, because there was definitely something fantastically screwed-up waiting behind the corner. Why had he even let himself feel so much?

Why did he, for god’s sake, have to stand here, when even the painful beating in his ears and skull couldn’t outshout all those annoying things he felt?

Hadn’t it been far, far better, to stay in the confines of the previous hollowness?

_Was there ever an answer?_

The numbers were finally closing to thirty-six, and he mechanically moved, limbs heavy with tiredness. With a soft ding doors fell apart, Haruka took a step forward and counted.

_Only two more steps and I’m in._

_One more._

He pushed the button for the ground floor, leaned his forehead against the cold metal inside and let out a breath that he didn’t even know he was holding. He had exactly 36 floors down to get himself together, and walk out of the elevator as a normal person. Haruka hoped beyond measure that nobody decided to use it, because _he_ needed it now. _He fucking_ _needed it_.

How possible it was, though, that all of those offices on the lower levels were not being used at this hour? This was Tokyo, after all, and he knew he had no idea of the working times in big companies.

_Please, just let me be alone for a bit._

The doors were finally closing. But where Haruka anticipated a soft swoosh of the hydraulic, there came a silent yelp and then his arm was being grabbed. The world spun around too quickly to catch up, and then, of all the things he’d been expecting at the moment, he was met with a pair of burning eyes.

“What were you thinking, making a scene like that, huh? Fucking moron.”

The words were harsh, but the voice was unexpectedly gentle and trembling. It bore nothing of the poison it was probably meant to deliver.

“Rin.”

“Don’t ’Rin’ me. You can’t just run off like that, Nanase.”

“Let go of me.”

Haruka tried to free himself, but Rin’s fingers were curled around his arms in a vice grip. But he was not going to let anybody, least of all Rin, manhandle him. He was not the doll that Yamazaki called him to be.

He was a human, and he knew how to fight.

“Fuck, Haru. Stop! You hear me?” Rin’s voice was hoarse and low, and it was so damn unfair that Haruka was not immune against its charm even at a moment like this. “Haru! Dammit.”

And, at last, he was free of the grasp. Rin’s hands fell to his sides, his face bewildered, stunned. Haruka was aware how stupidly he must have looked now, panting heavily, trying desperately to catch his breath. He retreated to the corner and closed his eyes.

_Just don’t fall down. Stand!_

“Fuck, Haru. Don’t make that face.”

While he was not aware of doing anything except trying not to fall apart, it was pretty possible that the poker face he usually wore was gone.

Sometimes it was simply too much to hold your ground.

“Come here, idiot.”

And then they were around him, the arms suddenly reaching and pulling him close, until his face was completely hidden in the warm fabric of Rin’s expensive jacket.

There was nothing in the world that Haruka would’ve expected less. Standing on the tip of the mountain he was dead sure he was going to fall down and find himself on the bottom, alone in the dark.

Because _this_ was exactly what he was so fucking scared of the very first moment, when Rin’s unexpected return shook him to the core. The night that he emerged from the dark in the old swimming club, all Haruka’s fears, which lay dormant for so long, immediately came alive.

He tried to fight it. _Damn_   if he didn’t.

But Rin’s stupid smile always kept finding its way back in. And now the two of them were here, at the end of the road, where all Haruka had ever dreaded turned into reality.

The reality that felt like a slap across the face, the one that was unyielding and cold. Always too cold.

Either in an empty old house that no one wanted to share with him, not even his own blood; in a slowly cooling bath taken without actual reason, or in arms of the man, who didn’t feel the same.

He understood though, in a sudden moment of lucidity, that there was no other way. This was bound to happen from the start.

It brought along a strange form of resigned calmness.

“Stop shaking.” Rin whispered somewhere close to his ear.

“I’ll stop, if you do.”

A soft chuckle reverberated Rin’s body and flew against Haruka’s own chest like a bullet.

“Idiot. They won’t ever let you in again, after the scene you made.”

Haruka just shrugged it off. It was strangely difficult, being wrapped up in another human being.

“I can hardly afford the tea there, anyway.”

“Me too.”

This time the laughter was genuine. Haruka firmly shut his eyes and pursed his lips.

Did he really want to _smile_?

_Now, of all times_?

But, unbelievable as it was, he did. We wanted to let the grin happen, to fall apart completely. And most of all, to stay wrapped up like this forever, in the warmth that seeped through his bones like that one night in an Australian bed.

Because Rin had that kind of effect. The stupidest power to make everything look shiny and brand new. Fine, even. Just…alright.

To make it look like it was actually okay to stand like this, to relish in a warmth that had never belonged to Haruka, nor it ever would.

Because Rin had never been his, and never would be.

And it was hardly Rin’s fault. He’d never made any promise, had never confessed, or done anything at all except sending a few ambiguous e-mails. Haruka knew that Rin was never under any obligation to come back, to swim with him, or anything else. He had every right to live his own life as he saw fit.

But it didn’t make the pain go away.

 “So you don’t like my hair.” There was a smile hidden somewhere in those words.

“No.”

“Dumbass. Did you even look into a mirror before you opened your mouth? Yours looks like a nest.”

And then, somewhere between twenty-first-or-some floor and the ground, something had changed for good in a tiny space of the elevator. Because Rin laughed giddily, and his fingers ran through Haruka’s hair in a playful manner.

“I was running late.” Haruka whispered into the fabric.

“Damn you were.”

No, he had never felt an actual need to say the words. Least of all nice. Never, up until now.

They kept pushing out, and Haruka had to use all the strength that was left in him to hold them down.

_I missed you._

_I miss you._

_I missed you. So. Fucking. Much._

And then it happened. Haruka didn’t know why, nor did he particularly care at the moment.

His nose found his way to the uncovered skin on Rin’s neck, and he inhaled, deeply. The tremor, which ran through the other body was impossible to miss.

There was no trace of chlorine in the scent. It was only fresh laundry, some unknown fragrance, and underneath it all a small hint of something natural, something Rin’s.

He pulled away an inch, suddenly terrified of what would come next.

He anticipated a constipated ’ _Haru_ ’ to fly through the air and then being pushed away like a plague he most likely really was. And that would’ve been the better scenario. Haruka rather avoided to think about the possibility that what might be flying through the air was actually Rin’s fist.

What would he be doing then? Should Haruka let him beat the crap out of him? There was no way he could escape from the elevator now. His eyes snapped open and searched the numbers.

_Sixth._

But then, like in a slow-motion movie, the hand that ruffled his hair moments ago was on his neck and pulled his head back, right under Rin’s chin. The other one curled around his waist tighter and its fingers drew little circles on Haruka’s lower back.

Rin exhaled slowly into his hair.

The hot breath stuck to his skin.

It was…fucking _amazing_.

_It was the best he’d felt in ages. Perhaps ever._

Only when the elevator’s doors fell open at the ground floor Haruka realized that really, no one stopped them on their descent. And while he didn’t actually think it was possible, it happened.

How strange, indeed.

Rin’s arms slowly extricated themselves from Haruka’s body and he stood there, looking out to the building’s lobby. It was bursting with life, people meandering around like ants. Few of them waited outside of the elevator, and they threw odd looks Haruka’s way as he walked out of it.

He turned around, but Rin’d gotten lost between the bodies, probably on purpose.

It didn’t matter.

There was nothing to be said, anyway.

The door closed, and he walked out the front door into the surprisingly warm night.

***

_…_

_“Haru-chan, listen to me. Rin didn’t want you to know he quit swimming because he was afraid that you might do the same. You know…like you did before… But you’re not, right? You’re not gonna stop swimming. It’s your whole life, Haru-chan!”_

 

The TV was on, showing someone quarrel with some others over nuclear power; Haruka took notice of every third word. There was something with utility firms, shareholder’s meetings and other bullshit.

He didn’t give a single fuck.

His mind was elsewhere and it run wild each time he tried to do something meaningful. A strange boulder in his stomach grew with every passing minute.

The apartment was so silent without Makoto’s presence.

So Rin didn’t want him to stop swimming. What a ridiculous thought, wasn’t it? But at least as Nagisa delivered the news, Haruka finally understood what Makoto was talking about yesterday, when they tried to talk.

_How are you dealing?_

_You’re not going to do anything…like before, are you Haru?_

But why would Haruka stop swimming? It was _not_ like before, when he thought he was the cause of Rin’s decision.

Now it was definitely not Haruka who made Rin change his mind.

So the question was then: what was it?

Try as he might, he could never imagine his life devoid of water.

But the truth was…

There was that one time when Rin opened up and said, voice shy and full of smile, that he admired him. That he needed to see him there, right in front of him, so he could move forward.

Wasn’t it, after all, all the same for Haruka? 

He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the headrest of a worn-out chair. A distant woman’s voice echoed through the wall behind his back. Was his mother talking with someone over the phone? It sounded like a fight.

“Haru?” Makoto’s voice battled with murmur of the TV.

Wasn’t he back too early? The dinner couldn’t have been over yet. It was barely an hour after Haruka left the building.

Never mind, he though. It made him feel better, and he desperately needed something to help him forget the night. Even Makoto’s silence was better than nothing.

No, it was no time for conversation, but Haruka wanted, no – _needed_ to fill the emptiness around.

Funny, wasn’t it?

How honest he could be with himself, all of a sudden. Because there was a time, and not so long ago, when he’d never have admitted to such a lousy itch.

But any thoughts that ran through the synapses of his brain was abruptly cut, when Makoto’s long figure entered the common area.

And he was not alone.

_Nagisa?_

_Rei?_

_What are they doing here?_

Haruka’s feet, so far lying on the low coffee table, fell to the ground as the trio stood in front of him. His eyes danced from one to another. Makoto’s face was closed, lips pursed and eyes burning. To be honest, Haruka’d never seen him looking so angry before, not even once.

Rei didn’t meet his stare, but rather placed hand on Nagisa’s skinny shoulder and pushed him forward. It wasn’t too gentle, as well.

“Talk, Nagisa.”

_What the hell’s happening now?_

But Nagisa’s lips seemed to be uncharacteristically sealed when he looked right at Haruka, eyes glittering with unshed tears.

“But…Mako-chan, Rei-chan, I already told you, it’s not the time, yet.”

“I’m not interested in your twisted plans anymore, Nagisa,” Makoto’s low voice sounded way too pissed off for anybody to argue with him. “We’ve seen where they all lead. I’m not going to stand in front of Haru and pretend that nothing’s happening. Speak, now.”

Nagisa moaned and his shoulders hunched, head on his chest. 

“I can’t, Mako-chan! You don’t understand. You never have! I haven’t done anything bad!”

And of all the possible things that Haruka expected, Makoto grabbed Nagisa’s arm and shook him.

“You haven’t? You haven’t?! You did see what happened tonight, didn’t you? You’ve hurt Haru, and that’s not something that a friend would do. _Ever_. ”

“Makoto.” Haruka’s voice tried to cut the nonsense. Without any success, though.

Nagisa turned to face the tall man, and pointed a finger right into his face. The height difference between them amplified with the closeness, and it looked almost funny. Haruka stood up from the chair, sighing.

“You don’t _ever_   say again that I’m not a good friend to Haru-chan!”

“Nagisa.” Another try, this time a bit more successful as the blond’s distressed face turned to him. “Would you just finally tell me what’s happened?”

“I…”

Haruka watched him fighting some inner fight, and let him take his time. At last, Nagisa exhaled tiredly, eyes shut. It was almost there, the blond was obviously so close to letting anything that Makoto and Rei wanted him to say out.

But _, of course._

Then _her majesty_   walked in, as if she had an in-built clock for bad timing. In her hand a plate full of content of his fridge. It did seem like mackerel pieces, didn’t it?

“Oh, boys having a party?” She said in voice bored, unaffected.

They all fell into silence thicker than udon noodles, looking elsewhere but at each other. She wiggled her eyebrows meaningfully in Haruka’s direction.

“Seems like fun.”

He leaned to the side so he could watch her back as she retreated behind the door to his room.

_Did she, or did she not, just walk into his room with food?_

This had to be a bad joke. Didn’t they have a kitchen table for that purpose? 

“Haru-chan.” Nagisa’s weak voice brought him back from his reverie. “I think you might want to sit down.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first who will guess the name of the restaurant they dined in wins a brand new car radiator antifreeze, shipped immediately, package included.
> 
> I really am a sadist, am I not? I do feel like one, though, after writing this...
> 
> Anyways, guys, I have some other work to do now instead of a writing, so the next chapter won’t be next week, but the one after.
> 
> See ya!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: NOW BETA-ED!!! My endless gratitude and indebtedness go to marbled_maven for all the hard work!!
> 
>  
> 
> Hi, guys!
> 
> I’m back, and so is the Friday’s dose of drama, drama, drama.
> 
> Maybe you’ve registered that rating went up, but don’t get too excited, so far it’s only for language. 
> 
> The feelings are running wild in this chapter, so there’s a LOT of swearing. You’ve been warned. ;))
> 
> So, let’s cut the crap, I’ll let you read.
> 
> Enjoy!

There was only one thought running through Haruka’s mind as he stared into the darkness of a hallway.

_ You got to be kidding me _ .

_ You got to be  _ fucking _kidding me!_

“What do you want?” Haruka spat, and while his mouth pursed into a thin line, he realized he was not controlling his voice anymore.

But who would’ve wondered, right?

_ How the hell did he even know where they lived? _

“So much for the warm welcome, dolphin.”

_ The fuck?! _

The pain in the knuckles of Haruka’s fingers, curled around the door, intensified with every passing second that he and _the_ _idiot_ stared at each other. But Haruka was not willing to give him any chance to get inside, which was apparently what Yamazaki decided to do. He moved slightly to the right just as the man did, and the same repeated a second later to the other side. The man narrowed his eyes at him.

“So. Are we gonna go discuss it right here, or will you get your shit together and let me in? Because we can play catch-up here for as long as you wish, but there’re much more important things happening in the meantime.”

“Like what?”

Why was he even bothering with him and didn’t let the door’s wood say hi to the moron’s face was beyond him. Yamazaki sighed and rubbed his face, obviously annoyed to the brim by Haruka’s thickness.

“I don’t have time for this.”

Haruka had always thought that he was decently built, and that he had no reason whatsoever to feel threatened by any other man, had it come to a potential fight. But in a matter of few hours this was already the second time that someone grabbed on his arms and moved him around like he was a little weightless boy.

He didn’t _fucking_   like it one bit.

“What the-?! Put me down, idiot!”

And so he did. Yamazaki’s fingers released their grip on Haruka’s arms, and his soles touched the ground with a soft thud.

_Did that really happen?_

Could it be that Haruka, _for real_ , was lifted into the air and set aside as if he was but an annoying bug flying before Yamazaki’s eyes? In his own home to add?

He felt his hands turn into a hard fists, blood running furiously in his veins.

But anything Haruka was ready to do, or say, was quickly forgotten as the idiot walked away completely unfazed and headed towards the voices coming hushed from the common area.

“You - where do you think you’re going?” Haruka’s voice didn’t quiver this time, but the same unfortunately couldn’t have been said about his insides.

Yamazaki didn’t show any signs of hearing and just walked on.

_ Shithead. _ _Fucking stupid shithead._

The idiot was unstoppable when he decided on something; like a damn wild pig, Haruka thought. He sighed and, although barely keeping his fingers from curling around the man’s neck, followed after a while anyway.

_ Whatever the moron wants, let’s get it over with _ .

He just hoped that Yamazaki didn’t come to continue his little fun-talking he was keeping up all dinner, because Haruka was in no mood for mocking right now.

And it wasn’t only because Yamazaki showed up uninvited on his threshold, effectively fought his way in and bothered him with anything his slow, stupid mind came up here for, but mainly because Haruka was starting to lose patience with the universe. It seemed to be determined to not let Nagisa say something important.

He needed to get Yamazaki out as soon as possible.

And preferably right through the window.

“Hey, Backstreet boys.” The idiot’s baritone rang against the walls of the small room, already filled to the brim with people.

“Ya-Yamazaki-san?” Rei’s surprised voice made Makoto lift his head from between his knees.

Haruka watched how a flicker of surprise shot through his best friend’s burning eyes. Makoto was obviously just as happy to see him here as Haruka was. But if he knew one thing about his friend, it was that Makoto was way too polite to show Yamazaki the door, even in the state he was in. That didn’t go for anyone, though.

“What?!” Nagisa’s shocked voice flew into unexpected heights when man’s giant body entered his field of vision. “I’m not going to speak with him around! I’m not!”

Yamazaki seemed unfazed by the outburst, though, and threw himself into the only unoccupied chair. Haruka watched his friends blinking in confusion, apparently waiting for something to happen. Yet if they expected to get a reaction, which would actually get anywhere close to decent, he knew they were all wrong.

“Calm down, midget.”

_ There you go. _

“Wha-?” Nagisa’s mouth fell open.

“Well, if you’re discussing your first times, I’m really not that interested. But I dare to say you’re talking Rin instead, and that is very much my business. So.” Yamazaki smacked his thighs as if ending any further insignificant jabbering, turned his face towards Haruka, and scanned him from head to toe. “What exactly are you planning to do?”

Now, that was something new. And it wasn’t like Haruka didn’t immediately know what the idiot was talking about, but he just couldn’t bring himself to believe it.

Did he really come here to plot against his best friend?

“About what?”

“About what.” Yamazaki murmured with a hint of bitter surprise in his voice. “I don’t know? A third world’s poverty, for instance?” He ran a hand through his hair, sighing. “Of course about Rin, dumbass. So, once again. _What_ are you gonna do?”

Haruka folded his arms on the chest and leaned against the wall behind him. Yamazaki had his annoying personality set on default, that much was certain from their previous encounters, but it was still a little surprising how much of aprodding and manipulative fucker he really was.

This was, after all, not their thing to deal with.

“Nothing.” Haruka said, and in the silence of the room, filled only with murmur of the TV, his voice stayed even.

And if for nothing else, than for putting that confused expression on the idiot’s face, it was really worth it.

“How, nothing?” Yamazaki’s eyes swayed from one man to another. “How does he fucking mean it – nothing?”

Haruka closed his eyes, realizing that he really should’ve been more careful about his wishes. Mere minutes ago he didn’t want to be alone, and this was what he got.

_ Just. Amazing. _

“You should go home. It’s late.”

_ And you’re not welcomed here. _

“Look,” the big man turned his blazing eyes towards him once again. “I didn’t come here to befriend you, nor did I come to be thrown out by you like a bag of kittens. I am here to save Rin. And you.” he pointed finger Haruka’s way, “Are going to help him.”

_ To save Rin? _

_ To help Rin? _

What the hell was he even talking about? Because, yeah, Haruka didn’t have to like Rin’s decision, didn’t have to agree with anything that he did with his life – and damn if he did - but that was just about everything he could do.

Rin was completely, _utterly_ , absolutely free to live as he himself wanted. Haruka’s body straightened up, and he turned towards Makoto’s room.

“Good night.”

“Stop right where you are, asshole!” Yamazaki jumped out of the chair, his face ablaze with rage. “So this is all? This is it? You’re just gonna let him fuck up his life, and not even move a finger. You?! Who yelled at him in a packed restaurant? What the fuck happened between then and now? It’s been barely two hours!”

Haruka’s feet came to a sudden halt. He glanced at the man, suddenly aware of the way the big body shook in distress. A single vein pulsed on his forehead.

But there was next to none explanation he could provide for his own reaction earlier this night. How could he, for god’s sake, explain something he himself didn’t understand one bit? But he tried, anyway.

“It’s different.”

“The hell it’s different! How is it different from the time when _you_ needed his help, and he went out of his way and took you to fucking _Australia,_ so you could find your stupid dream, or something? He spent a hell lot of time, energy, not to say _money_ on your idiotic problem!”

“You know about it?” Against Haruka’s will his voice came out weak and trembling.

“Of course I do, dickhead! He’s my best friend, for god’s sake!”

Why was the world suddenly spinning around? It felt as if a tornado came and swept the whole room with everybody inside. Haruka’s hand flew up and caught the wall right in time before he could fly away as well.

When Yamazaki’s voice reverberated his heart again, he must’ve been standing right behind his back. Haruka turned his head, but couldn’t find anything to say.

“But when it’s Rin that needs something, then…” Yamazaki’s words were bitter. “Then you just don’t care. Right? You selfish mother fucker.”

What did the idiot expect him to do?

_ What do you want from me? _

_ I, of all, can’t do anything. _

Yamazaki turned to the others when he seemed to give up on the hope of getting any answer, and lifted his hands in the air in a gesture of a complete bewilderment. “I can’t - I can’t _fucking_   believe this! And you call yourself his friends? You, who apparently don’t give a single fuck about him? You, who let him make the stupidest decision of his life, and hell we all know he is good with those. Damn. You just gave up on him…” His voice trailed off, and Haruka suddenly felt a strange feeling forming in his stomach.

He _didn’t_ want to let the man make him feel guilty. He didn’t, but it wasn’t that easy, standing face to face with him like this. Yamazaki’s disgusted looks were making him feel small and weak.

He needed to get him out of his place. Now. Haruka’s mouth almost opened in a vain attempt to find something to fulfill this desire, when a small voice filled the room.

Haruka’s eyes shot to Nagisa, as did all others’.

“I – I…” The words were too silent to be understood. And when Nagisa finally looked up and met Haruka’s stare he must’ve realized it, because he took a deep breath and repeated, this time louder. “I didn’t. Give up. On Rin.”

Haruka blinked few times, not understanding why Nagisa was telling this to him. But the blond’s stare never moved to any of their friends.

“No, you sure didn’t.” Makoto’s voice was bitter as he rose from the armchair and walked to the window. Rei’s face fell even more.

Nagisa gulped down, his eyes flickering from Makoto’s back, through Rei, right back at Haruka. He was really afraid, wasn’t he?

“The thing is, Haru-chan, that this is, sort of, what I wanted to tell you about. Before _he_   came.” The blond’s chin pointed towards Yamazaki’s tall figure. He was obviously not over the nickname yet. 

“Just spill it out, midget. I don’t have a whole night.”

“Cut the crap, you…”

Haruka found it almost amusing how even in a situation like this Nagisa wasn’t willing to lower to Yamazaki’s speech level.

“Haru-chan. I… Just let me tell you everything, okay? Right to the very end. Because some things might look different from outside. It might-”

“Nagisa.” Haruka’s voice interrupted the stream. “Just tell me.”

“Fine, _fine_.We-well it all started few months ago. I used to talk to Rin-chan a lot, you know. I called him a few times a week, just to know how he was. It was a regular thing, nothing out of ordinary. And then – I can’t even explain it properly – I just realized something was _wrong_. Maybe he wasn’t his usual self, maybe he hadn’t been talking about swimming that much, I don’t know really.” Nagisa trailed off, staring into the distance, as if he was looking back in time. He blinked few times. “So, I just couldn’t let it go. I bothered him many times a day, I know he really, _really_   hated me then. But, at last, he cracked.”

Haruka forced himself to breathe, but it was too damn difficult, facing the words he so dreaded to hear. Nagisa lowered his head and went on.

“That’s how I came to know what all of you know now. He was not swimming anymore. I couldn’t believe it. Rin-chan, not swimming? That was insane! Since the very first time I’d met him as a child, swimming was all he ever talked about. The relays, and that Olympic dream of his. But he didn’t want to discuss it.” Nagisa’s voice suddenly became desperate. ”Not even once he let me say what I wanted. Anytime I started on it, he just cut me off, saying that the decision was definite. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t study, it was hell. I needed to share it with someone, but he didn’t let me. He said he was not ready to tell anyone, and that especially Haru-chan couldn’t know, because he was finally in the ´big swimming world’, and that no one could tell how he was going to react.”

Haruka felt his blood run cold. Yeah, Nagisa had already given him this pretty piece of information within the small space of a bathroom cubicle, but hearing it now, within the whole context, the words finally rang true.

So that’s how it was. What all their friendship – or anyhow you call it - came to be, now.

_ A pity. _

With a strong wave of nausea and embarrassment Haruka realized that not only must Rin have known about how important he was in Haruka’s life, but he also didn’t think him strong enough to live his life properly without him.

Immense exhaustion grabbed on his body and dragged him downwards, under the surface of the black sea. The one that he came to know all too well by now. The one that few short seconds in the elevator managed to pull him out of, although for a little while only.

Because, however _stupid_   it was, however untrue Haruka wished it was - maybe Rin wasn’t that far from the truth.

Falling deeper into the dark waters, he almost missed Nagisa’s next words.

“I told Makoto, anyway. And then Rei. They were shocked, but they both said the same thing in the end. That it was Rin-chan’s right to decide. I was alone in it! S-so. I made a decision for myself! I was gonna do something about it.” Nagisa was looking right at Haruka now, eyes full of tears. His voice was breaking. “I knew I couldn’t go to Haru-chan, because I knew him. I just knew he was gonna say the same thing as they did, once he had the chance to digest it, to calm down. And I needed him to say exactly what he was thinking. So… I just, I just made you do it, Haru-chan.”

What the hell was _that_   supposed to mean?

“How, made me?” Haruka’s voice was gravel.

He so, _so_ didn’t want to know. But it was too late to go back now. Nagisa swallowed hard.

“It took me a few weeks to convince Rin-chan to arrange this meeting. I used some low blackmailing methods like ’we haven’t seen each other in ages’, ’your friends don’t mean a thing to you anymore’ and so on. He didn’t want to come, I guess he felt guilty about avoiding you, but I succeeded somehow. But I had to promise I was not going to talk about _that_ , andto not tell you or the others anything.”

“But you did.” Haruka muttered.

“But I did. Yes.”

A silence fell onto the room.

Why was he not continuing? Now, when he’d already gone so far. Why wasn’t it still making any more sense than before? Where was the point in all of this?

Only when Yamazaki’s voice cut the silence, something finally clicked.

“You want to say…that that dinner was all planned so Nanase would snap?” Nagisa nodded, a sole tear running down his cheek. “And all those stupid questions about Rin and the girl were just to get him closer to the edge?” He laughed, amused. “You’re a genius, actually!”

But this time, the blond shook his head.

“No, it was to get Haru-chan away from the table. Mako-chan wouldn’t let me close to him so I could tell him about Rin.”

Haruka’s eyes inadvertently slid to his best friend. Makoto sighed unhappily and looked to the side.

“They didn’t know everything, Haru-chan. Just bits here and there. Mako-chan was convinced you already knew about it all when you were on your way to the dinner. He got really angry when he found out about the whole plan.”

“Haru.” Makoto’s soft voice interrupted Nagisa’s stream of words. “I’m not looking for an excuse. I should have dragged you away on my back, if that was the only way. I’m sorry. But I was really convinced yesterday when you said that Nagisa called that he’d told you everything. I don’t know. Maybe a wish was father to the thought.”

Nagisa stepped closer to Haruka, making it impossible to not look him in the eye.

“Look, Haru-chan. I am perfectly aware of how it all looks now. But I never, ever wanted to hurt you.”

“You only made me embarrass myself in front of everyone.”

_ You manipulated me. _

_ Lied to me. _

“But it was supposed to be the only thing you had to sacrifice! A little bit of your dignity. For a friend!”

Haruka sighed, extremely annoyed.

“Nagisa.” He turned, not able to look at his friend anymore. “I think you should go home now.”

“But, Haru-chan! That’s not all. You don’t know it all yet! Listen to me, okay?” Nagisa hung on his arm, and if that wasn’t the last straw, then he didn’t know what else could be. Haruka shook him off, but the blond was unrelenting. “Listen, now. The plan was never to avoid you during our stay, okay? To be running around, and not telling you a thing! You think that Makoto would’ve ever agreed to something like that?! Of course not! Why do you think that we are here in Tokyo _now_ , of all times? When I have finals around the corner, and almost everybody has something else to pay attention to?! This could wait for summer, after all. Rin is not going to start new school till September.”

What should he do? However it was, Haruka couldn’t bring himself to just throw Nagisa out. This was an impossibly annoying situation, but Nagisa was still his friend. No matter what.

He shook his head, trying to put his thoughts into a semblance of order.

“Because it’s a golden week starting tomorrow?”

Haruka’s question apparently took Nagisa aback.

“Well… _yes_ , that’s also true. But it’s because of something else.” Blond’s eyes mirrored his own. “Because you’ve been just as unhappy as Rin has been the few last weeks. I couldn’t watch it anymore than I could stand Rin’s abandonment of his dreams.”

Haruka felt the blood leaving his face.

_ What? _

It didn’t make any sense, nonetheless.

“Don’t you understand? I put aside all my things and did everything I could to push Rin into setting as soon a date as possible. Do you get what I’m saying, Haru-chan?!”

No, he was not.

“That doesn’t really matter, Haruka-senpai.” Rei’s face was dead serious when he interrupted their confusing conversation. “But Nagisa assured us that had he some sort of plan. He begged us so we would trust him with it. And we did, unfortunately.”

Tentative fingers curled around Haruka’s wrist. Nagisa smiled sadly, and when he spoke, his voice was soft and silent.

“Please don’t see it as if I used you, Haru-chan! You’ll always be one of my best friends, no matter what! And I would never, ever do anything to hurt you. But when I was thinking about it, I knew that there, on one side of a scale was your anger at me, but on the other was the whole of Rin’s life! And I hope with all I have that I just haven’t lost you as a friend Haru-chan. But if I did, well, then it’s a price for saving someone. It’ll break my heart, but…it’s my punishment only. This is _my_   sacrifice for my friends. And I think it’s still a fair trade.”

A deep, amused laugh echoed in the room, sounding oddly inappropriate within the somber atmosphere.

“Wow, so you’re actually smartest of them all, I can hardly believe it. …I’m impressed.”

Haruka didn’t even look Yamazaki’s way. All he could do was stare in front of him, above Nagisa’s shoulder.

What was there to say? _To do?_ Because _of course_ Nagisa had used him. How else could anyone put it? There was nothing Haruka could think of that would made him feel better about this. Yes, Nagisa was his friend. And, yes, Nagisa betrayed him. Played him like a figure in a game of chess. _Yes,_ it was for some reason the blond saw important.

But this was not something that would make it look better in Haruka’s eyes. On the contrary, to be honest.

Finally, he inhaled deeply and rubbed his face.

“You had no right to do that to Rin. No one has. He is free to make his own decisions.”

Nagisa opened his mouth, but the voice got stuck in his throat. With a start they both looked at Yamazaki’s crunched face.

“Damn he is! And it would be all good, if only this decision _was_ his. But it’s not! This is _not_ Rin!”

Haruka’s eyes stayed glued to the blue irises, searching for an explanation. The man was not making sense again.

“Whose it is, then?”

“Hello?” Yamazaki threw a hand into the air. “Have you met Miss Intelligence and her little puppy? She’s smarter than all of us together, hell. Has him wrapped around her pinky. I can’t say I understand it, cause I’ve always thought Rin was stronger, but, anyway.”

“That’s what I think, too!” Nagisa turned his body towards the big man, his face suddenly alive and full of anger.

Makoto turned from the window and shook his head.

“That’s just a theory, Nagisa, You can’t know for sure.”

“But on the contrary! I’ve told you already, Mako-chan, that her uncle is a big fish at NSW police! Rin told me himself!”

“What the hell’s NSW?” Yamazaki asked, apparently irritated that he wasn’t following the track of conversation.

Rei cleared his throat, but Haruka was too damn tired to even turn his head.

“It’s New South Wales, a state of which Sydney is the capital.”

And when Yamazaki’s stupidly embarrassed ’ _Oh’_ flew throughout the room, Haruka turned off his ears. They apparently went on quarreling about this and that, but to him it felt like a thousand miles away.

Haruka sighed, exhausted. Why couldn’t they just _get_ the simple truth that Rin had decided for something else, something – perhaps – better? Was it so hard to understand that Rin had simply moved forward? Had forgotten them?

_ Had forgotten me. _

Maybe Haruka didn’t fully understand it, didn’t see it through immediately after hearing of what kind of life Rin had chosen. But as he had stood there, in a restaurant full of people, a waiter’s hand on his shoulder, it was just enough to look at Rin’s right side, and everything had become crystal clear. It _was_ her, indeed, that much was true. But not in the sense his friends thought. 

What was so difficult to grasp?

_ I was not enough. _

_ I was not what he wanted. _

_ But she - she was everything. _

_ That _ was the only reason why Rin had turned his life upside down, had abandoned everything he knew before. Because if there was someone crazy enough – or emotional enough – to do such a stupid thing for love, it was Rin.

_ He must love her so much. _

The air struggled to get through Haruka’s constricted throat. Why was he doing this to himself? Let’s get it over with; honestly, he could hardly stand another ten minutes of this pain.

“Hey, Nanase.”Haruka startled and his eyes blinked with an effort to focus as Yamazaki’s fingers snapped in front of his face. “Zoning out, again?” The idiot turned to Makoto, pointing at Haruka’s face. “Are you sure it’s not a medical issue? I wouldn’t be that sure. Maybe some pills would help, actually.”

_ Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. _

“Yamazaki-san.” Makoto’s reprimand was way too soft for Haruka’s taste.

He breathed in, and then out. It was time to end this. He stood straight, arms falling to his sides.

“It doesn’t matter. She’s his girlfriend, and the rest is not our business.”

Haruka turned towards the door again. This time he was decided to not let anyone stop him. They had to understand that what they were doing was the blind way. Whatever they intended to do was only going to turn against them. And he was not going to be a part of it.

“Sounds funny, coming from _your_ mouth.” Yamazaki was mocking him, that much was certain. For what, that was another question, though.

_ Don’t ask. Don’t ask. _

_ It’s a trap. _

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

_ Damn. _

“What do you think it means? You’re asking as if you weren’t there tonight.” Yamazaki’s giant body fell into the armchair again with a tired moan. “I might be too old for this.”

Why was he never making sense? Haruka felt muscles of his jaw constrict. But, at last, the idiot continued.

“You know, Nanase, I’ve always had my suspicions about Rin, but up until tonight it never crossed my mind this nonsense could be mutual. I blame it on your zombie attitude.”

There was a beat of silence, filled with a sudden dread.

_ What? _

_ What? _

“What?”

“What, what?!” Yamazaki exclaimed, irritated. “Everybody, including Rin’s own woman was scared shit the two of you were gonna jump each other’s bones right there on the table. Fuck you and your _’what’_! If we’re gonna ’what’ each other, then tell me _what_ the hell happened when he left the table, running after you like a fourteen-year-old girl desperately in love? Because he came back redder then his hair, and I’m not even gonna start about the state of his _’style’_ , or how he named it.”

_ What? _

_ …?! _

_ It doesn’t make…what?! _

Haruka didn’t know if his mind was spinning, or just stopped working altogether. He tried, and tried, but nothing came up.

_ What the hell just happened? _

_ What did he say? _

This must’ve been some sort of a surreal dream, and he was going to wake up very, very soon. Haruka realized all of a sudden that it was not the world shaking, but his own body. His hands shot up, covering his face from their pitying stares.

So.

Does that mean his secret’s out?

A soft touch on the shoulder startled him.

“It’s okay, Haru-chan. We all knew already.”

And if those words weren’t the least that Haruka expected to hear, than he didn’t know what else could be. He looked at the blond, bewildered.

“Nagisa.” Makoto’s soft voice carried the traces of deep concern. Rei stood up from the wall he was leaning on up to the moment.

“Yeah. This is really not the time to discuss _this_."

“The hell it’s not!” Yamazaki’s baritone roared throughout the condo. “This is the best fucking time of all. Because he,” The big man pointed towards Haruka, but spoke to the rest instead, “He is the key. He is the fucking _key_ to Rin! No one else can do anything at this point.”

_ What the fuck was the idiot talking about? _

“He’s right, Haru-chan.” Nagisa’s words were heavy and tired. “And I knew it from the start. It’s what I’ve been working with in my plan all along. That’s why it couldn’t have been Mako-chan, or Rei-chan tonight.”

“Yeah.” Yamazaki nodded. “I get what you’re saying. Anyone else yelling at Rin would be just a waste of time. But this way-”

“I don’t- don’t know what you’re talking about.” Haruka said, voice weak and unsteady. He registered Makoto’s figure getting closer, but he lifted his palm, stopping his best friend.

_ I’m fine. I can do it. _

_ … _

_ I hope so, at least. _

They both, the idiot and Nagisa, were completely insane.

“I - he didn’t even want to see me.”

Did his sentence make any sense? Haruka barely knew where his mouth ended and air around started. But apparently it did, because Yamazaki’s bulky figure was suddenly there, right in front of him. He looked him down with serious gaze, and when he spoke, his voice was calm and almost gentle.

“Don’t tell me you didn’t know, Nanase. About Rin. He had it tattooed on his forehead anytime he was around you. _Of course_ he didn’t want you to know he was coming to Tokyo. He didn’t want to meet you. But not because of what he told the midget.” Nagisa’s offended ’hey’ didn’t faze Yamazaki a tiny bit. “It’s because he’s scared shit you’re gonna tell him something that he himself knows all too well. That he’s making the biggest fucking mistake of his life. No one else can do that. Hell, did you even see his face tonight when you screamed at him? If that wasn’t fear then I don’t know what it was.”

“I - I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do. You and I are the only two people he’s afraid of. But even _I_ knew he was coming. Hell, I was supposed to meet him for beer like,” He looked at his wrist watch. “Fifteen minutes ago. And he was probably going to tell me anyway, even if the midget didn’t break the news earlier. But you – he didn’t want to see _at all_.”

_ It’s too much. _

_ Too much. _

_ Make it stop! _

“Well, if that doesn’t show how important you are, then I don’t what would. Nanase.” Haruka’s eyes slowly rose and tentatively met Yamazaki’s. “He holds you on a pedestal that no one, not even you, could get you off. Hell if I understand why, but it’s true, nonetheless.”

_ No. _

_ It was not true. _

They were all _wrong_. They were completely, absolutely, ultimately wrong with their unbelievable calculations, and he had enough. He had enough of them. Of these lies that kept starting that fire of hope in his chest again.

_ Could it be that Rin really… _

_ That he too… _

_ No! _

He had to put a stop to it now, because he knew, he simply _knew_ that he was going to wake up from this dream, and he’d still be believing it, everything was going to crash down and bury him underneath.

It was just enough how he had been fooling his own head all those months, exchanging e-mails with Rin that never meant anything.

Now, if he wanted to get out of it with at least a bit of sanity, Haruka had to make a sharp cut to all the stupid ideas.

_ They are  _ not _right. Period._

So he moved, first the right leg forward, then the left. Haruka leaned forward so gravitation could pull him where he himself didn’t have the strength to go. Inch by inch he was getting out of the room, away from the liars and manipulators, who tried to destroy him. In the back of his mind he knew they were all looking at him, observing him, waiting for any wrong move. 

He just had to get away.

“Nanase.” Haruka startled even though Yamazaki’s voice was silent. “So…are you gonna help him, or not?”

And in the moment of a complete confusion, all Haruka could do was shake his head.

“It’s too much effort.”

The silence that fell onto the condo was heavy and, without doubt, disappointed.

“But you know that once he gets on the plane back to Australia, you’ll never get another chance with him, don’t you?”

And it wasn’t until much later, long after he unrolled his futon with crazily shaking hands, and all voices dissipated within the nightly stillness of a darkened apartment, even long after Makoto lied down on his bed, when he realized what exactly Yamazaki’s question meant.

Haruka lay there with eyes open, fearing to close them, for when he’d open them again, there might be another day full of biting surprises.

Only when a soft sigh came from the direction of Makoto’s laying body, and fingers gently curled around Haruka’s wrist, he, after overcoming the shock, realized how good it felt to have his best friend back.

No, that’s not correct.

Because Makoto was never gone from his side in the first place.

And the thought made it somewhat easier to close his eyes in the dark.

***

When Haruka woke up, a soft light was falling onto the tatami next to his futon and Makoto’s peacefully sleeping figure up on the bed. There were unfamiliar sounds coming from the kitchen. He rolled onto his back and rubbed the sticky eyes.

_ Mother? Why isn’t she asleep? _

He wondered, sleep still tugging on his eyelids, when was the last time that he was up before his best friend.

_ Never, probably. _

He listened idly to the banging of pots and pans, so unusual for their home so early in the morning. And when an extraordinarily loud sound shook the condo, even Makoto woke up with a start and a terrified yelp.

_ What the hell was she doing? _

The two of them exchanged looks, but rather didn’t comment.

When Haruka entered the kitchen, she was nowhere to be seen, but the pots on the stove were simmering, and an unknown smell filled the apartment.

And it felt…strangely nice.

When he emerged from the bathroom twenty minutes later, the kitchen table was full of food he wasn’t sure he’d ever seen before. It must’ve been breakfast from all around the world, which wouldn’t be that surprising, considering she and his father traveled a lot.

What was it all for, though?

Makoto was already seated when Haruka tentatively closed the short distance to the table, and he looked up with mouth full of something that reminded him of a French croissant. He smiled softly, and patted the other chair.

“Sit down, Haru. Your mom will be here in a minute.”

“What is this?” Haruka asked, taking a place next to his best friend.

“She made it all for us. Isn’t it sweet of her? I’ve always loved continental breakfast. One can never get enough of peach jam.”

Haruka pushed out a neutral ’hmm’, and looked around for traces of mackerel. Not a one, of course. He sighed, disappointed, and reached for the sliced bread.

Apart from Makoto’s chewing and an occasional bubbling sound coming from the stove, everything was silent.

How come everything was so…calm this morning? Almost serene. After yesterday’s night he’d anticipated to be tired after sleepless hours, to be buried under tons of murky thoughts. But, unexpected as it was, he slept well, probably best in a long time.

So…they all knew now – about his ’ _feelings_ ’.

That was a piece of information that he’d yet need to digest, but, contrary to his expectations, it filled him solely with something close to peace.

Maybe it was about time to tell them, anyway.

If only they’d stop with those stupid theories about Rin. It was hard enough to get over it as it was. Their bullshit really wasn’t all that helpful. He sighed inwardly. Let’s hope Makoto would leave the topic untouched, for now.

But just as he was trying his best to smear honey on the slice rather than his freshly washed jeans, he felt Makoto’s curious stare on his face.

He should’ve known better.

“So…uhm. Are you not angry with me?” Makoto’s voice was tentative and full of hope.

Haruka shook his head and bit into the bread. He crunched his face, disgusted.

_ Hell _ it was _sweet_.

“No.”

Why would he be angry at Makoto? No, the only thing he was able to notice at the moment was a rather happy feeling that at least one part of his life was back to its previous, uncomplicated state. Makoto smiled shyly.

“That’s fine.”

They ate in a silence that was, for once, not filled with unspoken words, tension, or mutual misunderstanding. There was only one thing that kept coming back to him, not wanting to leave him be.

“Makoto?” The soft ’uhm’ encouraged him to go on. “When you said…that time, you know…that _he_ _made us promise_ , you were speaking of Nagisa?”

Makoto’s confused look should’ve been probably enough as a matter of proof, but he needed to hear it, anyway. His friend stared at him, a piece of orange stopped halfway to his mouth.

“Of course I was speaking of – _Haru_.” He said, suddenly realizing what Haruka was asking. “Don’t tell me you though I was speaking of…Rin. Oh _god_ …”

Haruka nodded. Well, at least something was a bit clearer than before. Makoto scratched his cheek, looking sheepish. At last, he laughed softly.

“Haru, hah…Don’t tell me you honestly thought, like for a second, that I would’ve favored Rin - or anyone - over you.”

Haruka shrugged it off, feeling suddenly much lighter. His attempt to look uninterested must’ve failed completely, because the squeeze of Makoto’s hand on his shoulder was strong and his smile reassuring.

“Don’t be stupid, Haru- _chan_.”

“Am not.”

Haruka’s lips quirked into a smile of their own volition. And when they both laughed, it felt so _damn_   good, as if it had been ages since they last did that together.

“You know, Haru.” Makoto cleared his throat after a solid while. “Maybe you should give yourself more credit. You know…with…Rin.”

“Let’s not talk about it, okay?”

_ Damn _ .

Why couldn’t he have just one peaceful morning without hearing _that_ name over and over again? It was starting to feel like a curse, actually. He sighed, and Makoto nodded lightly, smiling.

“Sure. I just want to say one thing and then I’ll shut up.” Haruka looked up just as Makoto pushed the rest of the third croissant to his mouth and chewed feverishly. “There’s nothing wrong with these kind of feelings, you know? It’s nice, actually, to have someone you like.” Haruka groaned, and rubbed his face, wanting to die on the spot. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

_ Yeah, like really. _

Was the man serious?

“He has a _girlfriend_.” Haruka tried his best to keep his voice steady. But talking about _this_ with anybody felt surreal. He guessed it was better with Makoto than anybody else.

“I know. I just…think you could give it a thought, that’s all.”

“What are you saying? You want them to break up?”

The tall man looked at him, eyes serious.

“All I’m saying is that maybe I’m starting to get what Nagisa was onto all that time. After yesterday’s talks…I don’t know. You see, Haru.” Makoto’s serious tone didn’t make it any easier to listen. “He, I mean Rin, hasn’t seemed to me to be very happy, lately.”

There was probably million and one reason for that, not a single of them being Haruka.

And he was about to say it out loud when Makoto’s eyes lifted and he smiled, courteous as always. Haruka sighed.

_ There goes a good mood. _

“Nanase-san, thank you very much for the breakfast. It must’ve been a lot of work.”

“Not at all. And call me Misaki.” Haruka’s mother sat down with the contemptuous expression she wore as a second skin, completely ignoring Makoto’s horrified face. Haruka would’ve laughed, if this wasn’t a situation more suited for crying.

“O-oh, okay? Well. If you insist, then…I...”

“Go on.” Haruka interrupted. “Everybody calls her so.”

And it was true. He couldn’trecall anybody that would _ever_   call her anything other then the informal ’Misaki’. Neither her co-workers, his pediatrician, nor even a man in the kiosk. As a little boy he’d found it impossibly stupid.

Now it was, to be honest, one of the things he genuinely liked about her. But that was also probably all. Because the moment she opened her mouth again, he remembered all the things he genuinely _didn’t_ like.

“So, Haruka.” She said, turning her small body completely towards him. “Tell me now, exactly how much money your father and I give you monthly.”

_ Aah. _

_ … _

_ Fuck it… _

Haruka fought the urge to smack his own face for being that stupid. He should’ve known the breakfast was not a coincidence, nor was it a gesture of a declared ceasefire. She’d probably finally opened her eyes for the very first time since she came here, looked around the little condo they lived in, evaluated it according to her ideas of decent living conditions, and, of course, found it insufficient.

So this was supposed to be a charity, was it?

He ran his mind over the contents of their fridge, and yes, there wasn’t much more than mackerel pieces and a few cups of rice, but it was more a question of preferences than money. Makoto usually didn’t like to eat anything heated, so apart from fruits or vegetables he scarcely used the fridge, anyway.

“I thi-think I have to…eh. School’s starting sooner today. Excuse me.” Haruka looked up at Makoto, who was apparently flustered and embarrassed for both of them. Hell, he himself was way too used to these kind of manners to feel ashamed anymore. They both watched the tall man as he was almost running through the apartment, right into his own room.

“Well?” She wasn’t letting it go, not by any chance.

He shrugged, annoyed beyond measure. _Of course_ she didn’t have a clue.

“He’s covering the school’s expenses.” He hoped she did not miss the used pronoun.

She didn’t react, and Haruka wondered idly, if she was, by any chance, content with his answer. It would’ve been way too easy, though.

“And? What else? How much?”

He sighed and stood from the table. This conversation should’ve been finished at least five minutes ago.

“Let it go, okay?”

“No, it’s not _okay_.” She said, raising her voice. ”You don’t want to tell me that that is all! You’re not telling me seriously that your father earns millions of yen monthly so you can have _everything_ , and you’re not having any of it! You’re not telling me this!”

_ Damn _ . He _so_ didn’t like it when she yelled. There was a beat of silence, before he found the right words.

“I don’t want his money.”

“You don’t want his money.” She repeated silently, obviously stunned. She waved her hand around. “So what do you live off, then?”

“I’ve got a job. Which I’m just about to go to, actually.” Haruka felt her stare on his back as he pushed the platter into the sink. Better leave it as it was now and get out, before she found another entertaining topic for conversation.

And after he collected his things and left for the day, he realized that this was probably the very first time in his life that he had managed to leave his mother speechless.

It felt amusingly good.

***

The water was cold and clear, brilliantly running along the skin of his palms, forearms, shoulders. It tingled everywhere; it pushed against his body as he prodded it into a faster motion.

A perfect, flawless, immediate relief.

If only he could submerge under the surface and reappear only when _he_ decided, not his lungs, or tired muscles. Then he could be lost forever in the blue calmness, which called for him gently, as if in a dream. And then, maybe, he also wouldn’t have to deal with those, who used his name instead of a door mat.

“Nanase!”

Haruka’s hand shot up just in time to anchor his weight onto the handle of a starting block. Was it just him, or was he really being yelled at more than usual lately? At least this time it was not the couch scolding him for a fucked-up dive; which, by the way, was happening way too often for his taste.

He pulled off his goggles and looked up at Hagino’s narrow face. He was chewing on something, as he always did. The man motioned his head towards the other end of the natatorium, pushed off of the block he was leaning onto and straightened up to his decent height.

“Hirai wants to have a word with you. Now.”

Haruka groaned inwardly, because, honestly, this was something he could’ve expected to happen any day now, but he still wasn’t able to find a way how to deal with it.

_ Damn. The time has come. _

And when he was standing under the stream of burning, scalding water falling onto him from the shower head, he thought of a thousand and one things to say to Hirai, but none of them could properly explain his decision about the Australian offer.

_ Nothing would do, unless I want to tell him the real reason. _

When he entered the locker room, it was filled with other swimmers. And it wasn’t until Hagino pushed his head from behind the corner, face horrified and eyes wide, that Haruka realized how big a mistake he just made.

“What the fuck are you’re doing here, man?! I told you Hirai wants to speak with you.” The swimmer’s voice was filled with genuine dread, and it made Haruka’s body hair stand up. “When he says he wants to speak with you, it means he wants to speak with you _now_ , like that second!” Haruka jumped up from the bench, turning to gather his things. “Leave it be, Nanase. Leave it! Just run!”

And so he did.

The last thing Haruka remembered before he darted in the direction of stairs was that someone threw him a T-shirt, and he promised himself to thank the man later. He took the stairs three at the time, forcing his limbs into the sleeves.

It was five floors of a breathless run, so despite how trained he was, when he stood in front of the door he was already dying.

When he knocked on the wood, a muffled ’come in’ came from the other side. The little man didn’t even bother to look up from the papers on the table. Haruka tried to push back down his beating heart, which threatened to jump out of his body right through the throat. At last, the man turned a biting gaze his way.

“Do I look like Rapunzel to you?”

The question took Haruka aback, making him blink in confusion. His fast breathing was finally slowing down, and he swallowed the bitterness forming in his mouth.

_ What? _

“I’m asking you – If I look like fucking Rapunzel to you!” Hirai stood up and threw a thick folder on the adjacent cabinet with a deafening bang. “Because I can’t find any other explanation for why _the fuck_ you were keeping me waiting for you like you were a damn prince on a white horse! Sit down.”

It was apparently an order, so Haruka obeyed.

“I’m-I’m sorry.”

_ Damn _ .

The man was barely a hundred and sixty centimeters tall, but he effortlessly made it look like _he_ was the bigger one in the room.

“Now, I don’t have the whole life for you, so let’s cut it short. When are you leaving?”

When was he leaving? _Well_. That was one interesting question. But no matter how hard Haruka tried to wrap his mind around it, there was not an answer which would make Hirai happy.

Although, on the other hand, he could not quite understand why it would be important to this man, considering that Haruka had never swam directly under him. And while Hirai was undoubtedly the head of the whole Sport’s faculty, and ruled his little – oh so famous - Hirai’s team with Hagino and a few other chosen ones, it was solely Tatano who trained the rest of the swimming team.

And Tatano was also the one who was organizing the transfer.

A sudden seizure of guilt struck Haruka’s insides. He never wanted to put the man in an awkward position, but, as it seemed, he was planning to do just that.

“I’m afraid I’m not going anywhere.”

But if he expected Hirai to be a little bit surprised in an unpleasant way, or slightly appalled by Haruka’s own stupidity for declining an offer of such importance, he was ultimately wrong.

Because the man’s fists hit the surface of the table in front of him with such force that Haruka’s body wasn’t the only thing jumping in shock.

A little golden swimmer’s statuette fell off of the shelf behind Hirai’s back.

“What the fuck do you mean by ’not going anywhere’?! And I recommend you think it through before you give me a proper answer.”

“I-I…something came up, and I-”

“Do I look like I’m fucking interested in your worthless life?!” Hirai’s body shook in distress, his hands curled in fists.

They were looking at each other without a single word while Haruka’s heart banged wildly against his chest. What was he supposed to say, then? Hirai pinched his nose, breathing hard.

“Okay. Let’s talk about it for a bit. You obviously have _no_ _damned_ idea what’s going on here, and I, _of all_ , have to be a nanny here.” The man sighed, leaving his place behind the table. 

Haruka’s eyes widened as Hirai stood in front of him, leaned against the table’s edge, and looked him down with a disgusted stare.

“You know, Nanase. The truth is you’re far from being what I’d expected you to be, when I watched your swimming in that miserable little high school of yours.” Haruka blinked in utter confusion. 

Hirai watched him?

Up until a week ago Haruka didn’t know the man even registered his existence. And now _this_?

“I told myself: look, _shit_ he’s good! That technique, that natural talent! He’s your next star, you have to have him! And then - came _the_ _regionals_. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?” Haruka’s stupefied mind refused to follow the track of the conversation, but he nodded nevertheless. “I was so _disappointed_ when I saw you in that damned pool, giving up just like that. Because it showed me who exactly you are. What kind of athlete you are. And it’s not a nice picture, I tell you.”

Haruka’s throat constricted, and he swallowed hard. Hirai’s gaze was not a pleasant one.

“So I said to myself, okay, forget him. And then – you wouldn’t believe it – one sunny day I come to my office to look over the applications for the swimming team, and guess _whose_ name was on it? I thought, fine, give him one more chance, he’s here in the city after all, so maybe, _maybe_ , he’s grown up a bit. And I wasn’t disappointed this time. Well, not _that_ much, at least.” Haruka watched the man sigh and look to the distance over his shoulder.

“You actually made me believe you’re not a lost cause for a moment. I gave Tatano-san my directions, and he did his best to pull out of you everything there was. And then it happened - _again_. Your times started to waver, and then just took the route to hell. And so we are _here_ now. Can you tell me what the problem is with you, kid?”

_ I don’t know. _

_ I don’t know myself. _

Haruka lowered his eyes to his sweating palms, looking for any explanation. But it was futile. It wasn’t as if he wasn’t trying his best, as if he didn’t care, as if he didn’t spend hours thinking of what he was doing wrong. If it was the angle of his dive, a fucked-up turn, or a weak stroke.

But he just couldn’t find the answer.

“ _I’ll_ tell you what the problem is.” Hirai leaned into him, so he was staring into his eyes from above. The man poked Haruka’s forehead. “It’s in your head. It’s all there. And that’s exactly what I’ve came to know the moment you stood up in that damned pool at regionals. Because no matter how good, fast, or fantastically talented an athlete is, as long as he’s not strong in his mind, it can all go to hell. And that’s _where_   your problem lies. You’re weak, kid. Don’t take it a wrong way, I’m telling you because I see you’re just as clueless as I thought you were.”

How was it possible to lose all hope in the span of a few seconds?

_ Am I? _

_ Am I weak? _

_ … _

_ Yeah… _

_ Even Rin thinks so. _

“Nanase.” The man called his name, his voice calm and stare observant. Haruka clenched his fists on his knees. “When I heard from Tatano-san you expressed the wish to transfer, I was actually beyond happy. I thought – maybe that’s what he needs! Let him see the world, become stronger, get some balance to his swimming. I didn’t want to give you up just like that. Because you _have_ it in you, kid. I wouldn’t be wasting a single fucking minute of my life on someone who’s not worth it. But, frankly, I don’t give a shit if your papa’s alcoholic, and your mama left you as a newborn. If you want to become a professional, you have to be able to put _all_ those things aside.”

Haruka heard the man sigh heavily, but was unable to return the stare.

“But I tell you one thing, kid. This is your last chance, and you have exactly three options.”

Haruka forgot to breathe, but the pain in the pads of his palms caused by his nails reminded him he was still alive.

“Either you go along with the transfer, and come back as a new man, or you get your shit together here and your times go back to their previous state. I’m giving you exactly a _month_ , not a day longer. Or,” Hirai’s voice turned somber, as if he was actually feeling bad about it. “You’ll pack your things and get the fuck off of my swimming team. I won’t have Tatano wasting his time on a messed up head.”

And when their eyes finally met, Haruka suddenly had a very strong feeling that this moment was one they called crucial. Because it sure like hell felt like something important was on the verge of its ending.

The burning sensation within his stomach was almost overwhelming as the man dismissed him with a wave of his hand.

It didn’t falter a tiny bit when he was standing on the subway platform, people jostling for a place, shoving him back and forth as the crowd moved slowly forward.

And it definitely didn’t cease when his phone beeped with a text message.

 

_ 080 87654321, 16:36 _

_ If I prove to you how much you mean to him, will you help him? Yamazaki _

 

His fingers quivered as they were searching for letters of his one-word answer.

_ So. _

Had the dice been cast, or not?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What makes person a good friend? That he respects your wishes and just stands by your side, or that he is willing to risk your friendship for the sake of your happiness? 
> 
> I’ve actually lost a friend because of my big mouth, so I don’t really know now...
> 
> Anyways, I know there was absolutely unforgivable lack of Rin in this chapter, but I promise to make up for it in the next one. ;
> 
> See you next Friday!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: NOW BETA-ED!!! My endless gratitude and indebtedness go to marbled_maven for all the hard work!!
> 
>  
> 
> Well, guys, what to say first?
> 
> I was really looking forward to this chapter, because this whole enormous fic kind of evolved from it (in my mind), and it’s not hard to find out where the name of the story came from once you read this. 
> 
> It had to be said that it was written for all Matsuoka-lovers out there, and someone please explain to me why this man is not real, haha. :)))
> 
> The rating went up, again, but it’s still just a taste, nothing like what is about to come later, so stayed tuned. ;))
> 
> Enjoy!

A little green light moved slowly over the stations of the Mita subway line, one after another on the car’s plastic wall above his head. With each soft hiss of a closing door – a heartbeat of a giant steely worm – it marked another lost kilometre between their bodies.

He could hardly wait another minute.

_I’m going to see him again._

And like a curse the memories of few warm moments spun around Haruka’s mind in a whirlwind, gnawing his insides with a need, with a fire. A gentle sleep-filled breath behind his ear; the weight of a strong arm resting over his waist, holding close; warmth seeping through a few insignificant layers of clothing – everything bittersweet and so _real_.

And now, _now_ – some others, some new.

Silent laughter more felt than heard, a beating of two crazy hearts. Fingertips on the skin of his neck as they pulled closer and held.   

He sighed, air shakily coming out of his nostrils.

Haruka didn’t know much, but what he was absolutely certain about was that those moments really happened, and he never tried to doubt this truth. They were not created somewhere in the dark corners of his mind. They _weren’t_.

But now, with an unknown urgency, they kept coming back, creating rather disturbing questions. Because up until yesterday he was convinced about their insignificance, so much that hearing the opposite had done something odd to his chest. He so didn’t want to nurture foul hopes.

Yet the thought was already there, sewn between the cells of his heart.

What if, _what if_ they were right?

_What if._

_What if Rin feels it too._

_What if._

_What if he needs me now?_

_What if._

The car’s animation showed the Hibyia station was only three more stations apart. A little girl on the opposite side of the car slid from her mother’s knees and smiled shyly his way. She put her little finger into her mouth and chewed on it, eyes twinkling playfully. Haruka winked at her and smiled as she hid her face in her mother’s skirt.

If only it wasn’t all that confusing. If there was something – _anything_   – that would allow him to look right into Rin’s head, and read all the thoughts that ever crossed that vibrant mind – those carrying Haruka’s name, of course.

What would they look like?

Try as he might, Haruka simply couldn’t think of Rin’s swimming as anything connected to – however unlikely they seemed – his feelings towards him. And yes, Yamazaki asked him to help Rin, and somehow managed not only to make it look like bringing him back to swimming was an absolute need, but also like Haruka was someone important, someone with the power to affect Rin’s mind. To change his life – if only Haruka wanted.

And Haruka hadn’t changed the way he looked at that stupid decision, no. If Rin really felt that way, then fine.

But the possibility reminded itself once again: _what if_ he didn’t? What if he’d just gotten lost within life’s strange crests and falls, living without his family and friends, far away from those who knew him well enough to help him navigate his way.

What if Rin had just lost the sight of his dream for a moment – the one where he stood on the podium, wearing a shiny golden medal around his neck? Haruka had seen the picture in his mind too many times to wipe it off just like that.

Rin would wear his electric grin, waving for the cameras; happy and, finally, satisfied with the world. And Haruka’s heart would flutter with pride, yes, but secretly, hidden in a place where he stored all those irritating things he felt for Rin.

Wasn’t it then, maybe, his obligation, even as a _friend,_ to show him the way to his dream again?

He didn’t know.

Mostly, he didn’t have a clue _how_ to find out.

Then, absolutely separately from these questions, there was Yamazaki’s text message. It touched something hidden deep within his guts; a hope he’d buried long ago. Now, _now_ it burned bright, absolutely disregarding his will.

But, yeah, Haruka knew that in the end it didn’t really matter if Rin indeed _felt_ something for him or not – not in a sense of the question if Haruka would help him. Because if it was so, if Rin did _want_ help, than Haruka knew he’d do the last thing possible, even if nothing of Yamazaki’s and Nagisa’s words were true. But…

He sighed, his breath coming out heavily.

But he also knew that this offer was something able to change his life forever.

’ _If I prove to you how much you mean to him, will you help him?_ ’

How could such things be proved, anyway?

The only thing he knew was that the _’no’_ he’d sent back was equally final as it was selfish.

Because no matter what, Haruka was never going to be part of anybody’s schemes.

With revived courage the little girl left the bench, and with shy steps crossed the car’s width to Haruka’s side. Her mother smiled apologetically, but he shook his head, not minding the attention one bit. Haruka looked at the girl’s small frame; she wore a single braid, fastened with a little red ladybug pony-tail holder. Her eyes were a faint brown colour – like a mocha coffee – with a few specks of gold.

He wished he carried a notebook and pencils with him all the time, exactly for such rare opportunities.    

When he walked from the station in a light warm sprinkle, mind filled with images of the girl’s pale little hand vigorously waving her goodbye, Haruka thought of many things. Of the way the single stubborn strand of Rin’s red hair used to fall into his eyes back then, making Haruka’s fingers twitch with need to push it back, again and again. Of how his voice used to fall an octave or two when he pronounced Haruka’s name; not once it wasn’t followed with that strange twinkle in his red’s orbs.

Rin was…beautiful.  

In all the things that mattered, and then in those that didn’t too, Rin was…simply _amazing_.

Even now, as Haruka was closing the distance to their meeting point, and their eyes met, Haruka didn’t have a clue what he was going to do. But the fluttering feeling within the cage of his ribs reminded him again he was alive.

He was truly _alive,_ breathing and moving, placing one foot in front of another in order to bring him closer. And he would keep his distance, of course, because he still had no right to not to, but he also knew that until Rin’s plane took off in the direction of Australia, he would suck in all these precious moments, save them in the confines of his memory.

When he could be close to this flame, to this warmth.

And Haruka would live off them for many years that were yet to come. Because as he stared into that fiery sun now, relishing in its painful carnage, he knew that he was wrong all along. _This_ was not going to leave him, perhaps ever. And maybe he didn’t even want it to.

Rin smiled tentatively.

“Yo, Haru.”

A nod.

A smile.

_I don’t remember smiling that much in…months._

’Hi’s and ’Hey’s of Makoto and the rest of their group distantly resonated in Haruka’s brain, but their faces quickly faded away in a haze created by twinkling in the red eyes.

Had it been any other human being on the planet at the moment, it didn’t really matter. If everyone else disappeared for good, he would not move a muscle. The rest might fade away happily, millions of lives stolen away by storms, floods, or by any other means possible. Haruka couldn’t care.

Because the important one was standing there with tiny water droplets running down pale cheeks. And although for a flickering moment only, it was okay.

But nothing could last forever.

Anna’s voice fought its way through the fog in Haruka’s mind.

“Let’s go, baby, it’s starting to rain again.”

She pulled on his sleeve, and Haruka had to look away, a hot anger bubbling somewhere deep.

_Don’t touch him._

He rather let his eyes travel around, watching people on the street opening their umbrellas. Like a charm almost everybody quickened their pace. And the world around Haruka ran untouched, although faster, even when Rin’s smile disappeared, and he followed the others into the shelter of the closest coffee shop.  

They were almost there, running and screaming over the sudden downpour that was penetrating their clothes, when a far too quickly moving stain made its way through their group.

And there was suddenly a startled yelp coming from Rin’s mouth as his body hit another one, and a young boy, soaked up to the bone, fatally lost his balance. Haruka slowed down, but Makoto’s hands pushed him back into faster motion.

Anna’s exclaim fought with the rumble of the rain. She let go of Rin’s hand, following the others.

And then Haruka watched from the shelter of the warm coffee shop, water drizzling from his hair, how Rin’s hand helped the boy back to his feet. The moment just before the boy flew a piece of paper was pushed rather violently into Rin’s hand, and with a hard slap across his back the bothersome lad made his way further through the crowd.

A soft thudding sound of water falling onto the concrete pavement behind the glass wall mingled with the murmur inside and created a strange impression of pleasant isolation. Haruka watched, transfixed, how warm orange light of the setting sun drew colorful circles between raindrops.

He didn’t dare turn his head again, because Rin’s shoulder would be certainly touching hers, and all that Haruka wanted was to relish in this proximity without stupid and unwanted feelings.

She might have had Rin’s everything, but Haruka had a collection of those few moments. And no amount of her sweet talking into Rin’s ear, or leaning into his side could ever take it away from him. Haruka didn’t know why, but as he sat there with Rei on his right, and Yamazaki on his left, he realized one thing.

That it didn’t really matter if Rin was with her, or that he was never going to feel the same about him. It wouldn’t make any change if he was married with three kids.

Because Rin was alive, still somewhere in this world, and until this truth stayed unchanged, Haruka could live off those few memories.  

He sighed, wishing to stay like this forever, with the pain in his chest dulled by the knocking of raindrops on the window pane.     

Only a gentle touch on his shoulder brought him back to reality, and with a wince he looked up. Met with intense red, Haruka’s heart fell out of rhythm for a second or two.

“Can you help me with an order? It’s too much for one to carry it all.”

He barely registered his own unintelligible _’uhm’_ , hoping that it, at least, delivered the message, and too soon he was pushing away the chair and making the motion to follow after Rin.

_Let’s go, move!_

But a firm hand shot upwards, catching his arm and pulling him back down. His back touched the chair’s backseat with a soft thud.

“Unfortunately he can’t. We were talking about something right now. I’m sure Ryugazaki would help, no problem.”

Rin straightened into his whole height and Haruka watched, intrigued, how fascinatingly high his brows could be lifted. It took Rin a second, but finally he shrugged, and with a silent ’ _Rei_ ’ walked away from the table.

_What the hell?!_

He just missed a precious opportunity to spend few minutes alone in Rin’s presence.

 _Damn_ . _The idiot stole them from me!_

Haruka’s eyes flicked back to Rin’s face for a short moment as he stood at the counter afar. It wore a hesitant expression, lips pursed into thin worrying line.

“What was that supposed to mean?” He could not help the irritation to take control over his hushed voice.

Yamazaki leaned closer, but held his breath instead of a speaking.

_Just spit it out._

“Why are you so stubborn?” His voice was silent when he finally spoke, without a trace of his usual arrogance.

Haruka sighed tiredly, trying to ignore Makoto’s concerned gaze on the other side of the table.

“You should really stop sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong.”

“So it’s a ’no’, definitely.” Yamazaki said, nodding once, as if he was confirming something.

How one man was able to stir so much annoyance in other human was hardly explainable.

“It’s a _’no’_ to your stupid question… I never said I won’t help…if it’s necessary.”

The smile that spilled over his face was the biggest Haruka had ever seen there before.

“It is, it is.” A big hand rested on his shoulder, squeezing once. “I’m really grateful, just wanted you to know.” And his face wore a somewhat apologetic expression, when the following words left his mouth. “And…I’m sorry for yesterday. I know I can be a little bit of a…uhm, prick, sometimes.” He rested his chin on the palm of his hand, watching Haruka from unpleasant closeness.

Haruka sighed and side-glanced at the tiresome man.

“Sometimes?”

Yamazaki chuckled, lips quirking into a playful smile.

“Fair point.” He said, stare finally turning in the direction of the counter. Haruka followed his gaze. Rin’s hands were busy with coffee cups and muffins, but his eyes kept returning back to the table here and there. “All I want from you, _dolphin_ , is a chance for him to be happy again.”

Yamazaki’s serious gaze was right on him again. And it wasn’t before fingers reached for the hem of Haruka’s T-shirt just under his neck and pulled it an inch lower, that he realized how strangely the blue eyes glistened.

Haruka snapped the hand away.

“ _What_ are you doing!?”

“Nothing in particular. But just so you know, I’m giving you my word that I’ll behave.” Haruka blinked, startled by the sudden turn of events, and unable process his surroundings. “No more teasing, I promise.”

What was this change supposed to mean?

He narrowed his eyes. “Why would you?”

Yamazaki shrugged, giving away nothing.“Let’s say a man who’s not running away when someone needs him deserves better treatment.”

_I haven’t agreed to anything!_

Haruka shook his head, irritated. “And this conversation could not wait?”

But before he even had an opportunity to finish the question, he realized two things at once. Not only that Rin was already back at the table, but also the fact that Yamazaki’s hand lay on the backseat of Haruka’s chair as if it belonged there.

Why was he still so close? They were done talking.

But the other man turned to face his way and sent him a lopsided grin. “No, it could not. …because I had an irresistible need to say that you’re looking really good tonight.”

_Wha…?!_

Haruka’s brain short-circuited, and it did not help that red eyes were burning holes into his forehead.

“So! What are we gonna do now? Someone have an idea?” Jane’s vivid voice carried to him through the haze of shock, the steaming coffee cup parked in her hands.

Makoto shrugged and said, voice apologetic. “I know it’s strange, because me and Haru live here, but we are both kind of new to the city ourselves, and this is the first time we have any visitors here, anyway…And, without Nagisa’s sightseeing plan we’re kind of…lost.”

“Don’t worry,” Rei exclaimed and reached to the bag hanging over his chair. He held up a paper with a triumphant expression. “He gave it to me yesterday, so we could find our way around.”

Jane’s eyes twinkled with excitement. “Great!”

But all of a sudden there was Rin’s hand, snapping the paper from Rei’s slim fingers. Haruka watched with eyes wide how the unexpected motion startled Makoto, whose coffee was on its way to his lips.

The cup fell out of his hands and with its owner’s surprised yelp painted a long brown stain onto his snowy white shirt.

All eyes turned to the fist that crumpled the paper into a small ball and threw it onto the table.

“Sorry, Makoto.” Rin reached back to the neighboring table for a dozen or so napkins and threw them his way. “But I’ve had enough of Nagisa’s great help, thank you very much.”

An awkward silence fell onto the table, and thanks to Yamazaki’s persistent proximity Haruka noticed how his eyebrows twitched over the unnecessary gesture.

“Well, it seems we’ll have to do on our own, then,” He said with a sigh and pulled out a phone, finally putting some distance between the two of them. Haruka’s eyes inadvertently turned towards the fingers moving over the display. Yamazaki was obviously looking for something interesting to do in Tokyo.

The unexpected way that Nagisa’s name exploded in the coffee shop made Haruka’s mind wander away from Yamazaki’s idiotic jokes.

It felt surreal, having one of his close friends shut out so easily, just like that.

It shouldn’t have been a surprise, considering that Nagisa’d broken his promise to Rin, but it was still strange, not having him around. His loud, senseless jabbering, annoying exclaims; good-hearted laughter.

Try as he might, Haruka couldn’t hold a grunge against the blond. He was, after all, just an overexcited young boy, who thought he was eventfully helping someone.   

And, truth be told, Haruka understood one thing. That without Nagisa there would never have been a few amazing moments spent in an elevator.

He would have never admitted it out loud, but he felt far more grateful rather than angry towards the blond.

 

It wasn’t until the building’s door finally closed behind them, and Yamazaki announced there was some kind of jewelry fashion show nearby – apparently of some insanely famous brand he had never heard about – that Anna’s voice broke the awkwardness.

“Why is it always raining these days? I’ve been to Tokyo before, and it was never like this. And why, for crying out loud, did we choose golden week for this trip, when the whole of Japan is set loose? There’ll be people everywhere! It makes sightseeing absolutely impossible.” Someone hummed a vague answer, but apparently no one was willing to elaborate on Nagisa’s silly reasoning, or the weather’s apparent unpredictability. She turned to Rin, reaching for his shoulder. “So, let’s go, before we get soaked through again.”  

But when Haruka’s eyes searched Rin’s face, it was turned towards a shop window, uninterested and closed up.

Haruka had seen his fair share of downward turned lips’ corners to know when Rin didn’t want to be bothered by stupidities.

“Go ahead. I’m not in the mood for fashion shows now. I’ll just walk around for a bit.”

“Okay,” she said hesitantly after a while, letting her hand drop. And her voice quivered with some sort of emotion when she spoke again. “Buy yourself an umbrella, somewhere.”

“Sure.” Rin turned to her, nodding once.

She took a step forward and stood on her toes, waiting for a kiss. Haruka turned away, unable to watch the sentiment.

When he looked back after a short while, she was just standing there without a word, a strange expression on her face as she stared right into Rin’s closed-up face. She turned on her heel and walked away, without a word.

But a short glance Haruka caught just a second before she left told him much more than she was probably willing to share.

Because the contemptuous look was gone, and instead of it, her eyes were glistening.

He didn’t want to dwell on the scene. The hope in his chest did _not_   need any further encouragement. He sighed and set his body into motion when the rest of the group followed her. The idea of spending time without Rin around repelled him on a physical level, but what could he do?

Why was Rin even doing this?  

And he would’ve walked away, doubts and questions eating up on him all the time Rin’d have spent alone walking the streets of the city by himself, but a rather soft pull on the sleeve of his hoodie brought him to a stop. He looked back, hoping against his own will.   

Rin’s hand fell back to his side, fingers loose.

The street felt suddenly too full with the two of them standing face to face on the pathway. Somewhere in the back of his mind Haruka was indeed registering Rei and Makoto moving away, throwing concerned glances towards the two of them, but he couldn’t have brought himself to care.

Because Rin’s voice was gentle and smiling as his hands unfolded the water-drenched piece of paper, which Haruka recognized as the one the boy must’ve given to Rin earlier after they collided in the rain, and pushed it into Haruka’s open palm.

“You’re not going to believe this.”  

 

***

“Rin! Wait!” Haruka’s yell dissipated in the clamor of the storm that went rampant above their heads again. The heavy drops filled his mouth and eyes.

Why was it always, _always_ like this – him running desperately after the man as if it was a question of life or death? Haruka’s legs moved faster than the wind as he weaved throughout the crowd of colorful umbrellas; heart beating louder than a hammer.

“Rin!”

He was soaked to the bone again, but he couldn’t care less. There was only one thought running wildly in his mind.

_I lost him, I lost him again._

But his body drew almost a full circle as a firm hand shot up from his right, and brought him to a sudden stop. Haruka was panting hard as he grabbed onto the offered arm for leverage.

“You’re damn slow on land, Nanase.” Rin said with a hint of a teasing smile, but he was also catching for breath. His head made a motion towards the entrance of a modern glass-covered building, bearing the characters _Toho Cinemas Roppongi Hills_ above it – the same as Rin’s flyer did. “We’re here.”

The sky lit up with a series of powerful bolts of lightning. Haruka startled, and held onto Rin tighter. When Rin’s soft chuckle made his insides spin, he sent him an unamused look.

“Let’s go,” Haruka said, voice curt, and did something he’d never dreamt of daring to before. He curled his fingers around Rin’s wrist and pulled.

Because this time, for some reason, he simply knew he would not be deprived of the contact; his hand would not be shaken off.

And it was not.

They ran inside in a mad spurt, and it wasn’t until they both stood in a dry lobby, water dripping from their _everything_ right onto the marble floor, that Haruka realized that the surprisingly light sound of laughter belonged, in fact, to him.

He never for a second let go of Rin’s hand, and it was okay.

Because in that little piece of world, in this oddly impenetrable bubble Haruka found himself, Rin didn’t have a girlfriend, he hadn’t left swimming. He was right there, same as always, but also in a tiny, insignificantly different way.

Because here - Rin belonged with _him_.  

And Haruka was not going to waste a single second.

Rin’s face wore a grin almost reaching his ears as they stood in front of the counter, and his long finger moved over the list of movies on the tall billboard. Haruka leaned onto the metallic surface, moving slightly closer to the man, and watched tens of people wandering around the lobby, coming in and out of the depths of the enormous cinema. He held his drenched hoodie over his arm, quivering slightly – but it was hard to tell if it was because of cold or proximity of Rin’s body.

A girl, wearing the cinema’s brand shirt smiled sweetly, handling them dozens of informational guides.

“Welcome at the Tokyo International Film Festival 2014, a revisit to classics from _Belle de Jour_ to _Back to the Future_. As you see,” She smiled again and swayed her hand across the same list of paper that Haruka just took from Rin’s fingers. “The movies are projected on all screens from number one to seven, according to the program you are holding in your hands.”

Rin’s eyes shot to her, suddenly filled with anxiousness.

“What about _Gone with the Wind_?”

She hummed and looked down for a moment. “Yes, it’s on screen five, but I’m afraid it’s been running for an hour or so now.”

“It doesn’t matter. How much it is, then? Two tickets, please.”

 

Haruka’s legs ran up the stairs in a rush similar to Rin’s long ones. And as his eyes swayed from one side to another in an attempt to localize the door with a number five above them, Rin’s hand was suddenly heavy on his shoulder. Haruka’s head snapped to the right, only to be met with warm, smiling eyes. He swallowed hard, blinking.

“See, I promised you we were gonna see it together one day. I still can’t believe you didn’t know the flick. It’s a world classic!”

Haruka shrugged, but regretted it immediately, for the warm hand fell off him. “I can’t know everything.”

But _damn_ he knew one thing.

That months ago in Melbourne when the two of them half sat, half lay on fuzzy couch cushions in a hotel lobby, quarrelling over everything and nothing, and Rin had been teasing him endlessly about his ignorance towards world film and music production, Haruka had never imagined finding himself here. Standing so close to him, but being unable to lift his hand and reach for a loose wet strand falling into Rin’s eyes.

Because back then it all looked so simple, but he couldn’t find the courage then. And now it was too late. The chance was gone.

“I’m sorry, gentlemen.” Said a man around his fifties, who stood next to the door, voice apologetic. “But the room’s full. You’ll have to choose another screen.”

“What?!” Rin exclaimed, disappointed. “But we paid for the tickets only because of this one.”

“I’m terribly sorry. But I can’t do anything.”

Haruka took a step forward, placing a palm on Rin’s forearm. “It’ll be just a moment. We don’t need seats.”

The man’s face was hesitant, but, at last, he pursed his lips and nodded shortly.

The room’s lights were down, only small blue sparkles lined the stairs up to the higher placed rows of seats. There was some dramatic scene happening on the screen, but Haruka’s eyes reluctantly left it as Rin pulled him behind. They sat on the stairs, side by side.

The warmth of another body so close made Haruka shiver nicely.

They watched in a comfortable silence for a while, but the movie was far from being interesting enough to overcome other things that Haruka was unable to ignore. Like how the flickering light of the screen drew shadows on the side of Rin’s pale face. How the corner of his lips quirked into a smile, so soft it made his fingers want to reach out and line its contours. How, even in the darkened room, his eyes shone with a life, like red stars in Haruka’s starless sky.

His heart made a somersault as they turned his way and sparkled mischievously.

“Watch it, dumbass. You’re gonna miss the best part.”    

He reluctantly returned his stare back to the movie and sighed, feeling filled with something close to happiness. In the corner of his eye Haruka saw Rin’s hand shoot up and run back and forth through his slowly drying, way too short hair.

The gesture was so manly, yet casual, that Haruka’s throat constricted, and a hot sensation ran through his body as if he just got a magnesium shot. He swallowed hard.

_Come on._

_Just keep your eyes straight on._

A woman on the screen wore a plain black dress, and from the short moments he was paying attention it seemed she was mourning someone deceased. Or should’ve been, to be specific, because as she threw smiles towards a brassy man, flirted with him, and spun around in a brand new dark green hat, she seemed everything but desolated.

The movie had no Japanese subtitles, and it was kind of difficult to grasp what exactly was going on when all the characters spoke with a strong, odd accent. But Haruka understood enough when the man took her in his arms and leaned over her to place a kiss on her lips.

“That’s one of my favorites.” Rin’s whisper tickled his ear.

When the man on the screen opened his mouth again, the words of the character came to Haruka from two sources.

And Rin’s voice was low and throaty as he recited sentences alongside the man in English that was far more understandable.

“No, I don’t think I will kiss you. Although you need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.”

_You._

Haruka blinked few times in a vain attempt to bring some semblance of common sense to his thoughts.

_What are you doing to me?_

But it was futile. The world had already stopped spinning, and there was, once again, nothing else than him and Rin; his and Rin’s shoulders, touching as if it was the most natural thing ever.

_You._

_You are going to be the death of me._

And he grasped for something to say, something to hold onto, before he fell apart completely.

“You’re a dork, Matsuoka.”

And while he prayed that his words did not sound so lovingly when they left his mouth as they did in his head, Rin’s grin was back.

“I know. Can’t help it, though, when it’s so _romantic_.” It was impossible to ignore the reminiscence of their younger years, when the same words meant something completely different. But Rin’s lips were now far too close for his own good, so Haruka rather turned away. He was almost disappointed when Rin added, voice hushed in his ear. “The movie, I mean.”

And his eyes were once again on the screen, as if Haruka’s chest did not exploded moments ago in agony of self-denial. He shook his head, trying to keep his face straight.

“I’m sorry.” He said after a moment or two, ultimately abandoning the attempt of pretending he was really watching. Rin’s pale face turned to him, curiously traveling over his own. “About yesterday.”

And he really was. In the dark of their little space, limited in length, width and – mostly – time, Haruka deeply regretted the way he rose his voice on this beautiful creature. He didn’t want to hurt Rin, ever, not even when he yelled at him, but it didn’t make it any less wrong.

Rin shook his head and sighed, a deep line creating between his eyebrows.

“…If someone has to apologize here, then it’s me, don’t you think?”

Haruka lowered his head and rested his chin on one knee. A smile threatened to form on his lips.

“No,” He said, “I think Makoto’s fine. Although you should probably buy him a new shirt.”

The laughter that filled his ears was loud and light-hearted, definitely coming from a happy place. Haruka ignored indignant stares thrown their way. Rin’s fist touched the side of Haruka’s head, but it was way too gentle to be anything other than a playful gesture.

_Is this a good time to ask?_

“...Rin?” A soft hum encouraged him to go on. “Can I ask you something?”

And for some reason Haruka immediately understood that Rin knew the question was going to be about his swimming, and also that he didn’t want to be asked in the first place.

Because there was a beat of silence before Rin sighed and answered. “I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”

“Just-”

“ _Haru_.”

Another sigh, and a silence.

“We should head up. They’re waiting.”

And as Haruka was descending the stairs, opening the door and turning the corners, all the while walking by Rin’s silent side, it felt as if something important was running through his fingers.

Try as he might, he could not have found the way to stop the process.   

 

“What took you so long? Where have you been?”

Haruka took a few steps away from the pair after he and Rin approached their meeting point, and Anna’s shaking voice carried above the crowd. He joined Jane’s side as she stood afar from their group, apparently uninterested in the vividly red Porsche, currently admired by Yamazaki and the rest.

Makoto sent him a small worrying smile, but the rest hardly paid his arrival any attention.

Jane glanced at the quarreling two, her eyes filled with concern.

“Did you have a good time?” She asked once her eyes rested back at Haruka, but it was a question that wasn’t expecting an answer. In the soft wrinkles around her mouth Haruka understood that she saw far deeper into him that he’d wish to.

He nodded, anyway.

And as a cold feeling captured Haruka’s heart, his eyes shot back to Rin and his girlfriend. She was the only one speaking while the man just rubbed the side of his face with an open palm.

A furious anger shook him to the core. Why was Rin letting her to scold him for _nothing_? It was not like they did anything bad, after all. And while he knew it was not that simple – specifically on his own side – from Rin’s point of view they were just two friends watching the old movie as they promised long ago.

They’d known each other for most of their lives, for god’s sake. Why would she have any problem with it?

“Haru.” Jane brought his attention back to her round face. “I’d like to speak to you privately, once you have some time. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

He nodded again, confused for a moment by the strangeness of her question. But then a memory resurfaced and he realized that no one was still, in fact, aware of his ability to speak English without problem.

But just as he opened his mouth to articulate something intelligible, the pair joined them. Rin’s annoyed face perfectly matched her huffy one.

_Girls. There are only problems with them._

Anna sighed and, turning to Jane, asked in clear English: “So, what were you and Weirdo talking about?”

“Anna!” Rin’s strong voice startled both her and Haruka, and an odd sound came from Jane’s side.

“What? For starters he doesn’t understand a word, which is pretty laughable considering how utterly _easy_ this language is, and second, it’s an undeniable truth.”

It was clear as sky that she was trying her best to make her speech fast and complicated so there was not a single chance Haruka could understand with his _supposed_ skills. He looked to the side, annoyed.

Was he supposed to tell them _now,_ how wrong they were? It would be only more awkward – if that was even possible.

“I’m sorry, Haru.” Rin’s voice was apologetic. “Anna’s bit tired.”

“Don’t apologize for me, _baby_. I asked you specifically to avoid spending time with this freak, and what did you do? You want to convince me that he is a good influence on you after yesterday’s extempore? I might not be let into that restaurant again, thanks to him!”

“That is _enough_!” Rin half-yelled, and Haruka wished to just bury himself two meters under the ground. Standing by his side, Jane looked just about the same.

“What is this all about, kids?” Yamazaki’s baritone had never been so welcomed before.

And like a charm, the fight was over. The two were probably still glaring at each other, but Haruka didn’t dare to test this assumption. His eyes rather shot to the bigger man’s face, and he was met with a curious stare. Yamazaki’s eyebrows rose, and as he took a place next to Haruka from the other side, he seemed to come up with his own answer.

Rei’s feet came to a sudden halt in front of them, his face lit with a wide, excited smile. Makoto was walking right behind him. “Have you seen it?! It’s a 918 Spyder!”

It took Haruka a moment or two until he realized his friend was still talking about the vehicle. And not that he wouldn’t have shared Rei’s excitement under normal circumstances – the car was rather beautiful piece of art, indeed - but all he wanted now was just to _leave_.

“Uhm.” Makoto cleared his voice, when nobody reacted to the question for a solid while. “Yamazaki-san had a good idea about tonight. What would you say about going dancing?”

“Yeah.” Jane tried to sound excited, but her voice was too weak. “That’ll be really great.” She sent a thankful look Makoto’s way, and Haruka watched, bewildered, how his friend’s cheeks gained a soft redish colour.

_What?_

_How come I’ve never noticed it before?_

Haruka fought against the smile that threatened to form on his lips. He decided against looking at his friend, but Makoto, apparently encouraged by Jane’s reaction, went on in a strangely low voice.

“Well, there’s apparently this famous night club in Shibuya. And it’s not that far if you want to try it, it should be around fifteen minutes by subway.”

Jane nodded with a smile, and Haruka almost chuckled as her pale face also gained lovely shade of pink.

_Well, this is interesting, hah._

“Whatever.” Anna muttered gravely, barely more than a whisper, and started to dig for something in her leather bag. “I just wish this week was done and we were back home in Sydney.”

“You’re free to go whenever your heart desires,” Rin said more for himself than her, words vibrating with strong irritation, and her hands stopped in their motion.

“Guys…” Jane trailed off, obviously unable to find any words suitable.

When Anna looked up, Haruka watched in utter disbelief how her eyes filled with water.

 _Damn._  

_Was this necessary?_

But Rin’s eyes were ablaze when Haruka searched his face, and they seemed to be glued onto something on Haruka’s neck. And only then he noticed the softest of touches, which could only hardly be registered through the fabric of his clothes.

A hand slid down his back, leaving an uncomfortable sensation in its stead.

Whatever Yamazaki was doing, it had to be put to a stop, immediately. Haruka turned around and narrowed his eyes at him. He wanted to yell, to take a brick of the pavement and wipe that arrogant smile off with it. Yet he knew that, for some reason, it would make things even worse.

The violence would never work with this man, on the contrary; it would only encouraged him further.

Haruka chose rather to lower his voice and growl. “You touch me one more time, and I promise to rip off your hands.”

Yamazaki laughed as if he just heard the best joke ever, and said in a full voice: “Let’s go. If we wanna dance the night away, we should eat something before. I don’t like drinking on an empty stomach.”

Rin’s mouth was in a thin line when he finally turned his eyes away from Haruka.

And when they all were finally on their way, standing in the moving subway car, the baritone found his ear and whispered with a smile: “You’re a fiery one, _dolphin_. Maybe I’m starting to understand what he sees in you.”

***

A thick fog danced in the hot air of the room, making people on the dance floor and up on the stage disappear, and a moment later re-enter Haruka’s field of vision. It was hard to breathe; the moving mass of people stole oxygen from the air, and the bar stool he sat on was way too far from the ventilation shafts that were sending cool waves from the ceiling.

The smell of sweat, various colognes and alcohol filled Haruka’s nostrils. He had never been to a place like this before, and now he knew why.

Haruka had never been overly fond of music, and there was a very specific reason for it.

Because all those tones, beats and voices might have been entertaining, might have been fun from time to time while they were coming muted from Makoto’s kitchen radio, but other than that they were only making him feel strange things. Or, to be specific, making his existing feelings, which he laboriously kept hidden somewhere deep, resurface with a hardly contained intensity.

But here, the music was so loud and beat so strong that he felt his chest constrict under the attack of sound waves. Even the surface of the clear water in his glass danced in the rhythm of a song.

And as his eyes kept running on their own volition back to the dance floor, he knew that trying to keep control over himself was a task impossible.

Haruka rather turned away and watched a water drop run down the glass right on his thumb. It was the only cool thing in the whole room. The sweat ran down his temple in a similar manner, but it was not caused by the heat, not at all.

 _Dammit_.

He didn’t even need to see _him,_ because this god-damned music made it feel as if Rin’s body was right there next to him. It was enough that thanks to its rhythm his mind could almost perfectly recreate his moves, even now as Haruka was forcing his eyes to stay glued on the myriads of bottles on the wall behind the counter.

He swallowed hard and shifted uncomfortably on the stool in a futile attempt to ease the pressure.

_This is hell._

And it wasn’t as if he didn’t try to join his group in the crowd of moving bodies. He did. But every time Anna’s hands held Rin’s, curled around his waist, or ran down his hips, the seizure of something uncontrollable made Haruka fall out of rhythm and stand there like an idiot.

It was _not_ jealousy.

It was the music, he decided.

It had to be.   

So for the last half an hour he voluntarily expelled himself from that enormous _fun,_ and stared blankly into space. The bartender came up once again, putting his hands on the counter, and shook his head with a smile when Haruka rose his almost full glass of nothing more than water.  

He wanted to go home, he did. But on the other hand, he could hardly imagine voluntarily leaving the room with Rin in it. Caught in the cage of his own head, Haruka knew he was doomed – condemned to stay in this underground prison, built from his own thoughts.

“Having fun, Haru- _ka_?”

If there was one thing he hadn’t anticipated, it was Anna making a voluntary decision to talk to him. At least she was speaking in Japanese, so a solution to Haruka’s English dilemma was postponed for a later term.

_So we are on a first-name basis, now._

“Absolutely.” He said over the loud music, turning his body slightly away from her as she pushed herself between his and the neighboring bar stool and leaned over the counter to motion for a bartender.

Her skin was shiny, covered by a layer of sweat from dancing and heat, but it wasn’t repellent. On the contrary, to be honest. She pulled her hair up into a ponytail, revealing a long and elegant neck, and she must’ve put some girls’ colours on her face in the meantime, because her eyes looked bigger and darker when she turned them Haruka’s way. And much more dangerous, as well.

“Have a shot with me. My treat.”

He raised his glass, moving its content slightly. She laughed shortly.

“Come on. Just one.”

What was she trying to do? They were not friends, not even acquaintances. She didn’t like him, and he loathed her.

“I don’t drink.”

“ _I don’t drink._ ” Anna repeated with a slight motion to her head. _Damn_ she was annoying. “What, Mr. Too-Cool-For-School is afraid to lose face?”

Haruka sighed, running fingers through his hair. “Whatever you say.”

She didn’t seem to like the answer, because her eyes sparkled dangerously. But the bartender threw her a rather interested smile above the counter, and she yelled above the music. “Four vodkas, please.”

And when the young man disappeared to the other end of the counter to get her shots, Anna turned and leaned her slim body way too close to Haruka. Her elbow touched his forearm, and it was everything but a coincidence.

“Don’t you think,” She leaned even closer. “That dancing is sort of like…love-making?”

Haruka threw a confused look her way. A subtle smile played on her lips, and he could’ve only imagined she was looking right at Rin.

“I mean, you can immediately tell if two get along in bed from the way they move together on the dance floor, can’t you?”

_I hate you._

Haruka didn’t want to. He _didn’t_   want to have those kind of feelings, loathed himself more for having them than he loathed her.

“Well.” She said, straightening up once her shots landed on the counter.  Placing one of them in front of Haruka, she took another one between her fingers. “ _Santé_.”  

He couldn’t speak French, but he knew when someone was mocking him.

He watched her drink the contents of the glass in one fluid motion, and then she was gone. The only thing that stayed after her was the bitter feeling of a lost fight.

Because up until the moment when she said those words Haruka truly believed that he was, although at the cost of heavy losses, able to come out of this completely sane. But as a picture of their sweaty moving bodies exploded in his mind, the burning flame in his chest grew within seconds into gigantic size, eating up on his stomach, limbs, rendering his brain ineffective.

_They’re sleeping together._

Haruka’s hands turned into stone-hard fists on his thighs. And with the same finality, as his heart broke into thousand pieces, he just knew he would not resist to look.

And there they were; her back pressed to Rin’s chest, swaying in a sensual rhythm, following the deafening beat of the song. The fog curled around them as if there was anything else needed to make it look like a scene from an adult movie. His hand held onto Anna’s hip as he pressed her closer to him.

_Fuck._

So…yes, it was time to admit it out loud, Haruka though.

It was jealousy, after all.

To say they looked good together would be an underestimation. A picture perfect couple right out of magazine’s pages. Rin’s strong body, clad in nothing else but a black wife-beater and low hanging jeans, suited all too well her smaller frame. She was hot, and she was aware of it.

And then it happened. Haruka wasn’t sure why it surprised him, because a scenario to this scene had been very predictable. But when she turned around in Rin’s arms and kissed him hard, all his insides turned upside down.

A strong need to throw up seized his stomach.

But he instead stood up, curled his fingers around the small glass and turned it upside down to his mouth. The taste was bitter and it burned his tongue and throat, but it was a welcome distraction.

He almost ran up the stairs, taking them two at the time. And he would’ve gotten out of this other-worldly nightmare right in time, but all of a sudden there was Yamazaki’s annoyingly big body standing in the way – apparently leaving the bathroom, because his palms were still damp when they rested on Haruka’s shoulders. He shuddered, grossed out by the contact.

“Let go of me.” His voice came out hoarse and trembling.

“Hell, Nanase, you alright? You look like shit.”

Well, that much Haruka knew himself. He sucked in a gulp of stale air. He _needed_   to shake off those fingers from his body, and get out to the fresh air before it was too late. But Yamazaki crunched slightly to lower down to his level and looked him right in the face.

“Come on.”

Haruka had no strength to fight the command hidden in those words. He let the man drag him by the arm into the bathroom he’d exited moments ago and lead him to the sinks.

And it was in the last minute possible, because Haruka’s insides gave up the fight with a definite spasm; he threw up everything he’d gotten down during the whole night.

When it finally ended, and he was able to open his watery eyes – it was better. The tiles were cool and a bit wet when he rested his forehead against them. It felt amazing.

“How much did you have?” The question carried undeniable traces of concern, although Haruka was sure it was not intended.

“…just one shot.” He answered, still breathless.

Yamazaki’s sigh was knowing and heavy. “So…I guess it’s not the alcohol then.”

Haruka watched him lean against the tile wall next to him, and lower his chin to his chest. He seemed to be mulling over something, but as people kept coming in and out of the bathroom, the man stayed silent. He only stood there, staring down onto the floor, as if he was waiting for Haruka to get himself together.

And he was actually really grateful that, at least for a once, he was not being attacked or harassed. He realized that for some reason having someone around, even if it was only this idiot, was better than being alone. While he knew how dangerous a realization it was, since he was far too used to dealing with everything on his own, he could not have helped it at the same time.

Haruka washed his face and rinsed his mouth with cold water.

“Let’s go.” Yamazaki ordered silently, yet resolutely.

“Where?”

“To put an end to this idiocy. Will you stand to go back down?” The man’s hand gently pushed Haruka out of the bathroom, and once they were out, it still rested on his shoulder. And for the first time it didn’t feel like intruding Haruka’s personal space. It was meant to reassure, to sooth – and it had that effect, surprisingly.

But try as he might, Haruka couldn’t have found an answer to his question.

“I don’t know.”

“Listen to me, _dolphin_.” Yamazaki took a step closer and held Haruka’s gaze without blinking. “Tomorrow you’ll stay home and get some rest. You seem to need it badly. But tonight, we’re going to solve this once and for all, you and me.” And all of a sudden there was a strong finger under Haruka’s chin, lifting his head up. “Now, you’re gonna get what belongs to you. And I…well.” A small smile played on his lips. “Well, I’m gonna get what I want. Which is, you see, to get that little bitch out of Rin’s life.”

The beat of music was still strong, even coming from the underground stages as they stood in the busy hallway, sweaty laughing people meandering around them. It oddly matched Haruka’s wildly beating heart. He gulped down the still present bitter taste of vomit in his mouth.

“Why are you so preoccupied with his swimming, anyway?”

Yamazaki straightened up to full height and inhaled deeply. “The question is rather why you are not. When you love him the way I think you do.”

“I never said I…” Haruka trailed off, not knowing how to put his confused thoughts into words.

There was a long silent moment while Yamazaki studied his face, and Haruka knew he could do everything and nothing and the man would still see through him effortlessly.    

Because of course he did… _loved_ Rin.

How else would you call this madness that didn’t want to let him go?

“Let’s say,” Yamazaki looked to the side, and there was something hesitant in his voice. “That you and I are maybe not that different…when it comes to feelings for him. But, unlike you, I really know him. Far better than you ever will. Because he and I are the same. And if I have to chose between him living an unhappy fucked-up life somewhere far away with her, or to follow his dream by your side, then…I think you know the answer. I’m just picking the better option here. And besides,” Haruka watched him run his fingers through his hair and sigh, before his eyes rested confidently back on him again. “It’s undeniable you’re the one he wants, anyway. So, I told you once to take a step forward, remember? Now it’s time to do it again. We don’t want her to win this.”

“It’s not a war,” Haruka said.

“Why yes, it is pretty much a war. And she knows she’s losing it. Let’s finish her off and head home. I’m kind of beaten up.”

“...What do you want to do?” Haruka followed Yamazaki as he sidestepped him and headed in the direction of colorfully lit stairs. Lasers from the room drew various shapes under their feet as they descended underground. The music was deafening again, vibrating through Haruka’s heart, making it skip a beat.

Yamazaki turned and reached out his palm, waiting. Haruka’s eyes flicked from the man’s face to his hand and back more than a few times.

_What?_

_What does he want?_

_…no._

_…he can’t be serious._

But he apparently was as his head motioned towards the dance floor, and a small mischievous smile appeared on his thin lips. “Desperate times call for desperate measures.”

“I’m not going to-” But however Haruka wanted to protest, it was all lost in a completely shocking moment, when his hand was being pulled in a not overly gentle manner, and then he was being pushed by insisting big hands through the crowd and forward, right to the place where their group was dancing.

“Come on, _dolphin_ ,” Yamazaki’s laughing voice filled his ear. “Don’t be so serious all the time. Have some fun with me.”

And there they were all of a sudden, firm hands holding him from behind around his waist, and a dark chuckle on his neck. A strong shudder run down and up his body, because, _damn_ , no one had ever been so close to him. Not in this way, at least.

Yamazaki laughed, obviously registering the reaction of Haruka’s body, and pushed himself even closer.

“Don’t- don’t touch me.” But the protest came out weak, and he was sure it had gotten lost in the yelling music.

“I like this song. It suits you well.” The man’s words were dark and heavy in his ear, and he swallowed, shivering. And for the first time since he lay his feet in this room, he actually made an effort to listen to the lyrics.

A hot sensation captured his insides.

’ _Now if we're talking body_

_You got a perfect one_

_so put it on me_ ’

Haruka’s throat constricted, and he closed his eyes in a futile attempt to gain back control over his body.

“Look at him.” It was a command, although sweetly whispered into the shell of his ear.

Haruka’s eyes searched for the familiar face in the crowd, and he didn’t have to look for long. Because Rin’s perfect body was right there in front of him, swaying in the sultry rhythm, making Haruka’s breath hitch in his throat.

’ _Swear it won't take you long_

 _If you love me right, we fuck for life_ ’

He watched, bewitched, how Rin’s biceps contracted as he moved his arms around his flawless frame. And hers, as well.

It had never been so addictive to watch Rin moving; he’d never been so _fucking hot_ before.

’ _On and on and on._ ’

“Is he looking at us?”

Lost within that magical beat of the song while curious palms traveled up and down his abdominal muscles, Haruka couldn’t have found breath to formulate anything coherent. All he knew was that everything was jumping and stomping around in a wild beat to the music, only he was the only one unmoving.

He shook his head.

’ _Love, give me love_

 _Anything you want I'll give it up_ ’

“Then _make_ him.”  

And with this soft spoken command Haruka’s body started to move on its own accord, swaying to the side and back, immediately followed by the other one behind him.

It was the smallest of the motions, but as they shared the space, it was just enough to register a gentle swell pushing against his ass – natural, yet still overwhelmingly disturbing. And it made his blood boil to the point of no return.

Because no one had ever held him like this before. And, mainly, because Rin’s eyes were finally on him, wide and definitely shocked.

’ _Lips, lips I kiss_

 _Bite me while I taste you're fingertips_ ’

_Oh._

Suddenly the whole world spun around, and there was no Yamazaki, no hundreds of other people around him, no flashes and wild circling lights.

It was only him and Rin’s blazing red eyes.

’ _On and on and on (Let's go)_

 _On and on (Let's go)_ ’

And when hot breath landed on the sensitive place on his neck, it was Rin’s lips worrying the skin, and his sharp teeth marking their territory. Haruka’s eyes closed, letting a wave of something increasingly hot engulf him completely, and his head fell backwards.

“ _Fuck._ You’re a hot little thing, dolphin.”

He didn’t know if those hotly whispered words were meant to keep him in the state he’d gotten into, or were just an unconscious slip of a tongue, but they definitely worked as a cold shower.   

And, in an instant, everything went right to hell.

_Fuck!_

_What am I doing?!_

_?!_

Haruka’s hands ripped Yamazaki’s fingers off of his hips, and rubbed his face, trying to wake up from this nightmarish daydream. He was vaguely aware of some worrying questions directed to him, but he just wasn’t able to focus enough.

Nothing made sense, only the music that was still making his head spin as he stumbled through the crowd and looked for a way out. It was almost impossible to make his feet match the rhythm of the stairs as he ascended to the surface.

Not a single person paid him any attention as he fell out through the entrance door, right into the night chill. Haruka leaned onto his knees, sucking air in through his nose with utmost effort.

_Okay._

_It’s okay._

_You’re fine._

A howling ambulance ran down the street with a flashing red light. A group of youngsters that had nothing to do here at this late hour laughed nearby.

Haruka pushed his pulsing head between knees.

_Everything is going to be alright._

“You!”

Haruka’s head snapped back at that spiteful word, and he realized in bewilderment that it, indeed, belonged to him.  

Because Rin’s glowing body was closing with an unstoppable urgency, and he didn’t know if he wanted to run away from, or to the man. Only when those fists curled around his shirt and lifted him up to Rin’s eye level, Haruka noticed something else other than a hateful stare and a growl with bared teeth.

A tear was running down the pale cheek, and Rin wiped it away, pushing back a sob. And when the whispered words came out of those beautiful lips, Haruka knew he was never going to stop regretting this night.

“You little _slut_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If someone would be interested, this is the scene they watched in the cinema: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4-DIldIX6U
> 
> Oh, I juts love the movie!
> 
> And the song in the club is, of course Tove lo, Talking body (I highly recommend to put your earphones in for the beat) ;)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: NOW BETA-ED!!! My endless gratitude and indebtedness go to marbled_maven for all the hard work!!
> 
>  
> 
> Hey, guys!
> 
> I hope you had a nice week.
> 
> Enjoy!

No doubt, there are certain rules that guide one’s life.

Like the time you usually wake up, and the number of times you turn in your bed before you open your sticky eyes. The way you have your coffee – milk, or no milk; sugar – no, thank you. In what order you put your clothes on; socks first, then straighten your collar; tie your shoes properly.

Day by day, everything has its exact order. The scenario of a life, guiding your hands and feet during hours when no one is around.

And Haruka knew his rules by heart.

Every day he would open the window the first thing in the morning, letting dirty air and white noise of the city in. He would eat something and leave for school. He would put up a show of paying attention, mind running elsewhere. He would sit alone during the lunch break, making it look as if he didn’t mind. He would rush to training, squeezing his body to the edge.

He would go home.  He would talk to Makoto.

Eat. Study. Watch TV, or go out for an hour or so. Sleep.

Sleep.

_Sleep._

He would avoid making eye contact with strangers during the day, with himself in the mirror while brushing his teeth just before he went to bed. He would forbid himself thoughts containing red eyes, though he knew they would be coming back with unthinkable persistence.

He would pretend that everything is just fine, just okay, just the way it should have been.

But in deep – he would be _just_ asleep.

With mind set on autopilot Haruka lived his days, one after another. They were all the same, nothing ever out of the ordinary.

Up until two days ago.

And up until _now_.

Because now, if asked, he would’ve hardly answered the question where exactly his heart lay in his body. Because its insane trepidation made it feel as if his everything – from fingertips to his toes – was a big, beating muscle, filled with blood and life.

Thump, thump.

_Thump, thump._

“Rin.” A whisper.

Now, Haruka felt that all of his life until now had been nothing more than a dream, from which he’d finally, at last, woken up. Everything around came in sharp details like never before.

The gentle breeze that ran through the strands of Rin’s hair; yellow street light creating a pink aura around his head. A small mole under his left eye. Their connected reflection on the door’s glass. The howling of the youngsters standing afar, probably expecting a juicy fight. Fluttering of Rin’s damp eyelashes. Almost imperceptible quivering of his lip.

_Thump, thump._

“Rin.”    

And no, it wasn’t as if Haruka wanted to actually say something. Just the name on his lips – it tasted differently when its bearer stood there while spoken, right in front of him, and not on the other side of the ocean.

But instead of an answer all he got was a strengthening of a grip on his shirt, making him take another step closer. His knees touched Rin’s.

_So close_.

The realization hit him like a train.

_I can…_

_I can have another moment._

Another one to his small, humble collection of stolen seconds, filled with guilty pleasures. Like stickers to a child’s album, Haruka kept adding one after another. And while most of the places were empty, waiting for a chance that would never happen, with each of those existing Haruka came to realize something new about this precious human being.

He knew how Rin’s breath sounded while sleeping; he knew the smell of his skin – everything unforgettable, etched forever in his memory.

And now – he could add another one.

He could find out how Rin _tasted_.

And before the thought had a chance to be mulled over, to be properly processed by the cells of Haruka’s brain, the need to _not_ let the moment slip away made his hands shoot up. They traveled along the surprisingly cool skin until they rested on clammy shoulders, softly – meaning not to hold as much as to anchor himself in the vast space, before he flew away, murdered in the stratosphere by his own hammering heart.

When his lips moved, it was on their own accord - as if they were not connected to the rest of his body at all.

_Thump._

It was a softest of the touches; probably nothing anyone would call a proper kiss. And while slightly dislocated, it found its way to press sensitive skin against Rin’s own.

_Thump, thump._

_I did it._

_I did it!_

The thought made his head spin, made everything dance around in a mad tango; the street, the buildings, the people – everything lost in the screaming of blood running through his veins.

Haruka was used to pushing his body to the edge, urging it into faster and faster motion while submerged in the cool arms of water until he was breathless, adrenaline filling his body’s tissues, but he’d _never_ felt like this.

Like he was living to the fullest, and also dying with each passing second.

He dreaded to open his eyes, because what he may find could be the best, or the worst possible.

And when he did, at last, with the finality of the Earth forever spinning around the Sun, Haruka understood it was not the former. Because Rin’s eyes were wide and surprised, glistening with shock in the artificial street light. They were not understanding, and definitely, _certainly,_ not happy. Not in the slightest.

_Rin…_

Haruka anticipated many things to happen in the moment of this utter dread. But when Rin’s eyes closed and his mouth let out a loud growl, he understood that what was about to come would certainly break his bones, and leave him lifeless on the concrete pavement. But, for some reason, as strong hands pushed him into backwards motion and then right into a hard wall, he didn’t care.

Because just like it was sang in that song, which a few short moments ago clouded his mind down in the dark underground, he’d give up everything for this man.

His head hit the wall behind with a dull thud, leaving him slightly breathless.

“You think you can have everything, don’t you?”

Rin’s elbow pushed against Haruka’s neck. It hurt like hell, leaving him mute.

“You think you can have everyone. Him, me, everyone. You…” Rin’s words were way too broken to sound hateful, but they were enough to make Haruka’s blood run cold. He managed to open his eyes, overcoming the pain for a moment. Rin was breathing right into his face, breath carrying distant traces of liquor.

“Rin.”

“Fuck! Stop saying my name like that!”

_Like what?_

_Rin, please…_

“I’m such an idiot. So blind! Since the first night at that restaurant it was obvious. I should’ve seen it then. How you two were whispering to each other. But then you…and I... And today - I had to look at the two of you together all day long, your fucking _blush_ , his laughter.” Rin’s voice broke on the last word. “Then you practically let him fuck you on the dance floor. Now what? Were you gonna go home with him? How will he have you, huh?! On your back? Or do you like it better from behind?” Haruka blinked in complete disbelief, and even if Rin’s elbow was more merciful, he’d have hardly found any words. “Answer me!”

“I…” He pulled at the arm, rendering him breathless, and coughed, once free. He watched Rin’s face, distorted in anger, still all too close. He shook his head, hand shooting up to his adam’s apple.  “I didn’t…I would never…”

“But you did!”

“No, I didn’t. Rin.” Haruka’s voice was barely more than a whisper when the name left his lips. And then there was Rin’s burning forehead against his, breath intermingling with his own.

“Haru.” The word was broken, swallowed with hot tears that ran down the pale face.

Haruka’s fingers traveled around the wide back, and finally curled into the fabric of a sweat-drenched wife beater.

“Yeah?”

“What do you want, Haru? Hmmph? Tell me. What you really, really want.” Rin whispered into his face, lips so close Haruka thought his heart would explode right there and then just from the proximity. He so wanted to find the words, formulate something that would tell Rin everything and nothing at the same time. “Because I’m fucking _tired_ of your riddles.”

_My riddles?_

_When did I make one?_

_It’s you…it’s you who is an enigma._

The moment stretched into seconds, and Haruka’s mind was still as blank as it had been before.

But he realized this was not the time for big words, anyway.

He closed his eyes, and with a fear of breaking down he sent strength into his hands. Finally they obeyed, not letting the place for further questions. And as they pulled the strong body closer to him, he dared to look.

Rin’s eyes were closed, his nostrils fluttering, mouth turned down.

“I think I showed you enough.” Haruka whispered into the shadow between them. “What I want.”

And just like that, it seemed to be enough.

When Rin’s lips crushed onto his, his head hit the wall behind him once again. And no, it was not the gentlest of kisses, far away from what Haruka had imagined in his mind, what he’d been dreaming about for so many nights, curled under the duvet. It was miles away from what he would’ve chosen, had he been given options.

But it didn’t matter, no.

It might’ve hurt as much as it wanted, it could’ve been violent and loveless – _damn_ if that was what he cared about.

Because it was still Rin’s lips on his chapped skin. It was Rin’s tongue swirling in his mouth, his long fingers holding Haruka’s head in its place. It was no one’s but Rin’s thigh pushing between his own, dragging a shaky whimper from his throat.

And just as quickly as it happened, it was over. Because the pain that all of a sudden vibrated through Haruka’s brain was not something ignorable. Shocked and astonished, his hands shakily pushed against the body that moments ago made him feel like dying.

Yes, the moment was gone.

And in its stead was just a copper-like taste in his mouth, third-degree burned skin and emptiness, here and there cut apart by deep inhales and exhales as they both were catching for breath.

Haruka’s hand shot up to his pulsing lip. It was covered by red once he looked at it, eyes wide.

“Fuck, Nanase. _Fuck!_ ” Rin shook his head, covering his face. He was still too close, although not touching Haruka anymore. “Fuck you and your voice. Fuck you and your damned, perfect eyes.”

The yells and hollering of the youngsters’ group carried through the air to them. Soles of Haruka’s shoes dug into the muddy soil under their feet as their words shook Rin’s body. But no amount of _’faggots’_ , disgusted grunts, or whistling could’ve ruined this moment for Haruka more than what Rin did.  

“You bit me.” He said, unbelievingly.

He licked his lips, tasting the blood.

Just a second ago he wanted nothing more than to call Rin’s name again, just for the sake of curling his tongue around the sound.

_Why the hell did you do that?_

_Why did you have to ruin this?_

Because Haruka _needed_   this moment, was dying to never forget it, to add it undamaged to his collection.

What he wanted more though, was to shake Rin, slap him across the face for not seeing the obvious. To make him realize that _this_ was it – that _’something’_ , which was there all along, although Haruka may have lost sight of it for a while, fooled by pretension and strange theatre that Rin played.

_Forget her, finally._

_I’m what you want, am I not?_

_You just proved it!_

Rin’s mouth pursed into a thin line, but his eyes were glistening again. “You deserved it.”

No, it wasn’t that simple. Because Rin was not stupid. And Haruka was now sure like never before that, despite Rin’s undeniable effort to cover it, he was not the only one feeling this. So why was Rin fighting it with all his might? She was certainly not enough to raise a wall between them, was she?

“Did I?”

_Yamazaki was not right._

_I know you. I know you enough._

“Yes.”

No. There had to be something else, something that stood in the way, and he didn’t know why, but it suddenly seemed clear as a night sky back in Iwatobi that it somehow related to the water.

“Why now?” Haruka’s scattered mind tried its best to focus at Rin’s mouth. “Why not months ago? Or last summer, when I would’ve _killed_ for this to happen? Why? Why _now_?”

But Haruka had no answers to those questions. What was he supposed to say? Apart from ‘ _I_ _was scared. I was stupid. I didn’t know you felt the same.’_?

He didn’t know, but he, at the same time, had his own questions. He looked to the side and spat the blood to the muddy ground.

_Why have you abandoned me?_

_Why have you left swimming?_

_How can you, of all, live without water?_

But to put those questions into words would’ve changed nothing. Because just like earlier that day in the cinema Rin would just cut him off, close himself up into that impenetrable shell of his. No, there had to be a different means to solve this mystery.

And there was indeed one that only Haruka could have used. He realized that, ironically, Yamazaki was maybe right in this small thing.

“Race me.” He said, finally catching for breath. But Rin’s face said it all once the words registered with him.

“Haru.”

“One last time.”

A silence.

Rin pushed himself off the wall, obviously wanting to distance himself from Haruka and his surprising demand. When he opened his mouth again, his voice was low and carried finality.

“I can’t.”

“But-”

“I can’t. And I won’t.”

Haruka watched him take a step back, and involuntary followed him in his movements. But as he tried to push himself off of the wall as well, it was suddenly impossible to inhale. His chest seized with a strange pressure, leaving him breathless. He rubbed his face, trying to fight the dizziness.

_Damn_.

_What…what is this?_

His shoe slipped as he tried to make a step forward, and he stumbled. With a soft swoosh his knee landed in the muddy ground.

“Haru?” Rin took few tentative steps towards him, but paused afar with an alarmed face and wide eyes.

“You owe me.” He managed to push out, at last.

And Rin’s mouth opened to object, to put up a fight again, but he knew, just like Haruka did, that he had no right to deny him this one thing. They stared at each other, both unable to find words, which could follow what happened and not make it look too important.

“What the hell?!” Both their heads snapped to the side, from which Yamazaki’s figure was approaching, taking giants steps. He looked them both over, narrowing his eyes at Haruka’s slumped figure, and then his face.

And faster that he could react with a messed-up mind as he had, there were gentle fingers on his lip, examining the damage. Yamazaki’s eyes turned to Rin, suddenly filled with threatening anger.

“You hit him?”

“No.” Rin hissed, closing the short distance in two steps, and grabbing onto the big hand, pulling it away roughly. “Don’t touch him.”

Yamazaki straightened, but as he faced Rin they seemed almost of the same height.

“Why? So you could have your way with him again? To hurt him again? Haven’t you done enough damage, already? I was so stupid… _damn_.”

“S’not your business, Sousuke. Stay away from this. Stay away from _him_.”

When he spoke again, his voice was deadly and commanding. “Let go of me, Rin. While I’m telling you nicely.”

Haruka leaned his head against the wall, tired like never before in his life. And when he thought that nothing, absolutely nothing could make it worse than it already was, there came a voice, trembling, but filled with enough poison to murder the whole Japan.

“Rin?”

He didn’t even have to open his eyes to watch Anna approach and halt afar. Numerous steps that followed sure enough meant everyone came up here to check on them. He swallowed, hoping he would get out of it alive.

“What is this?” She asked shakily. “Huh? What’s this supposed to mean, Rin?” Haruka looked at her through half-lidded eyed. She blinked, apparently trying to fight tears, and motioned towards him. “You two fighting over _him_?”

Rin’s head fell to his chest, and he finally let go of Yamazaki’s arm. “Anna.”

“No.” She took few steps back as he moved closer.

“Anna. It’s not how it looks.”

_Is it not?_

_So…how it is then?_

_What are you doing to me, Rin?_

But she just shook her head, face tear-streaked, and turned on her heel. Rin followed her inside as if his life depended on it. And watching his back, Haruka felt as if the whole world was just being torn apart. The glass door reflected Haruka’s face when the only man he ever cared for vanished behind them.

He rose to his wobbly feet, taking a step in the direction they ran off.

He didn’t know what Makoto’s, Rei’s, or even Yamazaki’s face looked like. He didn’t care. He just knew that Rin ran after her, abandoning him. Leaving him as if he meant _nothing_.

When the silent words, pronounced by deep baritone, finally came, he somehow understood they were all about him, although they were not directed to him.

“Take him home, and put him to bed.”

Only a silence filled the rest of this movie-like scene, but he knew with unwavering certainty that there had to be Makoto’s wordless consent somewhere. Because the warm hands curled around his shoulders, leading him somewhere.

He didn’t particularly care, where to.

***

The window was left ajar, letting the soft breeze of a surprisingly warm afternoon in.

A short, yellowish curtain moved in a slow dance; its motion reminded him of water waves on the wide ocean – lazy on the surface, merciless deep down. Haruka lay with hands behind his head, staring into the ceiling. Pictures from yesterday’s night ran through his head, making him queasy with the oddest combinations of guilt, excitement, disappointment, and anger.

Mostly anger, though.

Makoto’s voice carried through the apathetic atmosphere around him, and although he managed to keep most of it out, the debris of the phone conversation fought their way from the kitchen.

_’no…I think he’s better…’_

_’…yeah, sure…’_

Haruka put himself into sitting position, running fingers through messy, unwashed hair. He really needed to get a bath. Hot water would help to soothe everything, anyway.

_’it’s not that easy, though…’_

He felt his eyebrows rise over the strange choice of words, and proceeded to snatch a clean towel from Makoto’s dresser. There was not a chance Haruka was willing to go to his own room and deal with his mother before he was in a usable, decent state. She would make stupid comments like always, no doubt.

_’okay, I’ll tell him…’_

“Hey,” Makoto said as he entered the room with a gentle smile. “Slept well?”

Haruka nodded and searched the green eyes. He knew Makoto would understand easily, like always.

“Sousuke called. He wanted to know how you are feeling.”

“Sousuke, huh?” Haruka chuckled, gathering his things and walked out of the room. Makoto’s tall figure followed him, hands deep in the pockets. Haruka glanced at him as he leaned against the doorframe.

“Well, yeah. We’ve known him for quite a long time, and, I don’t know, it’s kind of awkward using surnames, don’t you think?” Haruka shrugged, without interest.

No, he definitely didn’t think it was necessary to go that far. Yamazaki was everything but his friend, especially after the last few days.

After a while, Makoto seemed to finally gather his courage. “Haru, I don’t pretend to know what is going on in your life now, but…” He trailed off and sighed, his eyes traveling over the worn out tatami. “I’m kind of worried, you know.”

“No reason for that.”

“Are you sure?” He asked, looking right into Haruka’s eyes, once they landed on him.  “Anyway… Sousuke asked me to tell you that what he wanted you to do…that you should forget it. He said you’re out of it, for good.”

Haruka’s hands stopped on the faucet.

Rin’s burning eyes fought their way back to the front of his mind. They battled with the image of his distancing back, leaving a bitter taste on his tongue. It was hard to tell what was worse; either the shiver that ran down his spine each time a vivid reminiscence of those lips on his bubbled up from unconscious parts of his brain, or the anxiousness that always followed right after.

“It’s too late.” Haruka said, at last, letting water fall into the tub.

The sound of Makoto’s deep sigh filled the little room. “I was afraid you’re gonna say that. But-”

“There’s something wrong, Makoto. With Rin. Yamazaki was right.”

“What do you mean?” The question was silent, hesitating as if Makoto wasn’t sure if he wanted to know. Haruka shrugged, pulled sweaty T-shirt over his head and tossed it into the corner.

“I don’t know.” His mind run to the muted phone, now peacefully resting on the surface of Makoto’s table, and to the text message from this early morning.

_Matsuoka Rin, 05:14_

_When and where_

“But I’m going to find out.”

Because no matter how fucked-up the thing between him and Rin was, it could change nothing about the fact that Rin was not his true self. There was something odd about his behaviour, and damn if Haruka was willing to let it go unnoticed.

He was going to find out what was wrong at all cost, and the race was the only thing that could help him with that. He wasn’t exactly sure why, but he knew that sharing water with Rin, seeing him in their most natural environment would certainly help to uncover more of this nonsensical decision of his.  

Haruka looked at his best friend as he stared into the distance, face in his characteristic worried regime. Only then he realized that Makoto was fully dressed, apparently ready to leave. He tried to remember if he was told something before, but nothing emerged. It was still holidays, so apart from spending time with Rin and his amazingly sweet girlfriend there would be nothing else to do.

Haruka hoped that that was not the matter.

“Are you going somewhere?”  He asked anyway, letting himself down into the warm water.

“Well, yeah,” Makoto said, coming back from wherever he was. “I’m going to check on Nagisa. He’s not answering calls, and they didn’t want to tell me anything when I called his hotel.”

Haruka blinked, a strong pang of guilt setting his insides on fire. He pushed himself up with a definite intention to get out of the tub. “I’m coming with you.”

Makoto shook his head. “No, Haru, you’re not. You just get your rest, okay? I’ll call when I know something."

With the same firm, although uncharacteristic resolution hidden in Makoto’s voice, his best friend left moments after, leaving Haruka blinking in confusion. Where did this decisiveness come from all of a sudden?

He couldn’t know for sure, but there was a possibility a certain blond Australian girl had her fingers in it.

And it was definitely not a bad thing. Not at all.

He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Determined not to think of Rin’s or his own problems Haruka sighed, letting water do its magic.

_Sousuke, hah…sure_

_So he wants to be friends with us, all of a sudden._

There was always something suspicious when it came to that man. Do what he might, Haruka was never able to predict all of his plans and schemes; Yamazaki was always a step ahead.

Like the sick flirting games he played the whole yesterday, and which, in the end, ended up to be nothing more than provocation for Rin. And as it seemed that the idea wasn’t new - the idiot had it obviously thought through even before – with all of his stupid jokes at the dinner, leaving Haruka flustered and ashamed in front of Rin’s observing eyes.

A nauseating shame washed over him, and he pushed himself deeper under the surface, so only his eyes were peeking out.

_I’m such an idiot._

_Why the hell did I do it?_

_Why did I let him touch me?_

But however Haruka tried to turn what had happened in his favor, it wasn’t working. Because he could lie to himself as much as he wanted, but the truth was that at least in the moment he had let Yamazaki drag him to the dance floor, he was very well aware of what the two of them were doing, and mainly for what reason.

Haruka groaned, letting water swallow him whole.

_I just wanted…to see what would happen when Rin saw me like that. With someone else._

_Yeah…it’s definite._

_I really am an idiot._

And shameful as it was, it actually worked. Because Rin’s tears were true, when he yelled words that he was certainly regretting now. And his lips were also true. There was not a way how Rin could pretend now that he didn’t feel something else than friendship and, perhaps, guilt.

Haruka’s tongue ran over the little wound on his lower lip.

The question was, though, what would happen once Rin found out that the whole thing between Haruka and Yamazaki was just a scam to lure him from the girl, and moreover, that at some point Haruka willingly took a part in it.

One thing was sure: he was not going to like it.

What was Rin even thinking now? That Haruka and the idiot were a thing? That he slept around?

With each new question Haruka’s humble hopes died, one after another.  

And now, of all times, Yamazaki wanted him to step down, to forget how he begged Haruka to help Rin. The man did anything possible to get him involved in his plans, only to ask him to give up once some progress had actually been made.

It didn’t make sense.

And no, Haruka was definitely not willing to believe Yamazaki was feeling bad about the outcome of his work. The man didn’t give a shit about Haruka, or anybody else.

Except Rin, maybe.

He wondered, finally, what that theatre, when Yamazaki stepped in like a knight in a shiny armour, was supposed to mean. As if Haruka ever needed protection from _Rin_ , for god’s sake. And mainly, Yamazaki had already gotten what he wanted at the point they kissed and fought, so he had no reason to continue pretending there was anything between him and Haruka.

He decided, at last, that he never in his life needed to see the man again.

He reached for the faucet to refill the bath with scalding hot water, but his hand halted mid-air, when a deafening bang shook the condo.

Haruka straightened up in the tub, listening for an aftermath. But there was nothing, only a silence ruled where only a second ago apparently an aircraft crashed into the building.

_Mother_.

Haruka jumped out of the water, snatching the towel with one hand, and ran towards his room. He burst in, ignoring the closed door that stood in his way.

She stood there, in the middle of the room, head down on her chest. He blinked, confused.

A shelf, which usually sat up on the wall lay down on the floor, with all of his books sprawled at her feet. She threw him a rather ugly look, huffing slightly.

“Why are you naked in my room?”

Haruka ignored the tone, letting his eyes travel over the details. There was a strong reek of cigarettes in the air, and all of his things seemed to be affected by her presence in one or other way.

“Why do you smoke in _my_ room? I think I told you something about that.”

“Yeah, yeah, message delivered, alright. Now leave me alone.” She said, turning her face to the window, away from his sight. But it was impossible to ignore the way her deep voice quivered at the end of each sentence, notwithstanding how much she tried to hide it.

There was a long beat of silence while Haruka tried to decipher, whether he was really wanted to get out, or not. Women could be so confusing, when they wanted.

“Is everything alright?” He asked, at last, thinking that getting a positive answer would be just enough for his consciousness to shut up. “What happened to the shelf?”

“It fell off.”

_Oh, so_ that’s _how it happened._

_Good to know._

“You need help with that?” Haruka asked, taking few steps into the room.

“No! I _don’t_   need help! Can I have some privacy now, please?”

Haruka halted, taken aback by the sudden outburst, but even more so by the loud sob that bubbled out of her throat. He watched how her hand shot up, covering her mouth, and then her whole face.

And all of a sudden she went down, kneeling on his tatami. Her small body quivered with soundless cries, while he stood there with his mouth open, astonished by the sight he’d never seen before.

Not once in his life had his mother had cried in front of him, or anyone – as long as he knew. He was pretty sure she would’ve rather clawed her eyes of their sockets than let anybody see her like this.

And yet he stood there watching her, completely speechless.

He closed the distance tentatively and placed still damp hand on her shaking shoulder. Under different circumstances Haruka would’ve probably laughed over the oddity of the situation, as he never in his life expected to console his own headstrong mother.

Least to say naked, with only a towel covering his groin.

Was he supposed to ask, or not?

“It’s fine. I’m fine,” she said silently, and reaching for the table she shakily rose to her feet again. She seemed to gain control over the crying again, but as Haruka’s eyes ran over her red face, he didn’t have a feeling she was alright, at all. “Boy, you’ve grown up.”

Haruka didn’t know what he was supposed to think about the comment, so he rather let it pass.

“Uh,” she muttered and looked around, as if searching for something. She seemed lost, and somehow even smaller. He watched her snatch the packet of cigarettes from under the English version of The Catcher in the Rye, and put one of them into her mouth with trembling fingers. “Go get some clothes on, and come back. It’s time for you to know, anyway.”

_Time to know what?_

Haruka’s insides turned over, and an already familiar anxious fluttering in his stomach returned with intensity. No, he didn’t want any news, didn’t need any other secrets. Wasn’t there enough of them these days?

_No more surprises, please._

But as his mother waved him off, and he was pulling a clean T-shirt over his head and pushing legs into jeans, with a probability closing to certainty, Haruka knew that what he was going to hear wouldn’t be anything good. And he was right, of course.

“He left me.”

_What?_

_…_

_What?_

“Who?” He managed to ask, although the answer was more than obvious. She smiled sadly, knowing it just as well.

“Your father.”

Haruka swallowed, fighting the urge to shrug. And it wasn’t as if he didn’t care, or as if he’d wished his mother something bad, no. It was a question of reality he was aware of for all of his life.

Because there was simply not a chance his parents wouldn’t be together in the end. And maybe he could never understand it fully, since they never appeared as a typical lovey-dovey pair – or that they were in love at all, to be honest – but not once in their whole lives had they been separated for more than a week since the day they had met, and there was apparently something very strong keeping them together. So if nothing else, Haruka was sure of the one thing.

His mother and his father belonged together like a lock and key.

He didn’t spent half of his life alone, letting her follow the man anywhere the wind blew him off just to see them apart. Hell, no.

“He’ll come around.”

She sighed, and a small smile played on her lips when she shook her head. “Not this time. It’s the end, I know it.”  

He watched her push the cigarette into the corner of her lips and get on her knees again. This time, though, she started to gather the books, and put them anywhere the surfaces of Haruka’s scarce furniture allowed. ’How come the smoke doesn’t get into her eyes?’ he thought as he joined her on the tatami.

“You have no idea how hard it is to live with someone like you, Haruka.” There was a strange underlying meaning in her words, but he simply couldn’t find it. “I’m not saying it to insult you, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“I’m not.”

“But he and you are so similar I…” She trailed off, shaking her head slightly, and laughed darkly. “Sometimes, when I’m not looking directly at you, it seems like it’s him instead. And it’s not the looks…it’s the air around you two. I don’t know how to explain.”

Haruka sighed, keeping his face straight. But it was getting increasingly hard letting her talk like that. Yeah, he was aware of his resemblance with his father, but it wasn’t something he would’ve been very proud of.

“Do you have a girlfriend now?”

He looked up, startled by the unexpected question. Her eyes were impenetrable as she stared at him, a pile of books resting on her arm.

“No.” He said, at last, and she nodded, almost as if she was content with the answer.

“Good.”

“Good?” Haruka didn’t want to let her drag him into a fight, but looking at her she didn’t seem to be aggressive. She was just saying what she really thought; stating the obvious. That made it even worse, actually. “Why would you say that?”  

She shrugged and rose to her feet, turning away from him. A puff of smoke left her mouth and danced above her head as she stared through the blinds out to the street.

“Because being with someone like the two of you, it’s a day-by-day struggle for the littlest piece of affection, _or_ any attention to be honest. But it’s also impossible to leave you as well, I don’t understand it myself, and I lived with him for whole of my life. It’s like a curse, as if everybody was attracted towards this eccentricity.” She looked back at Haruka, and smiled, sadly. “You know how he told me?” He swallowed down, fighting the burning behind his eyes.

_Why are you saying things like that?_

“He announced it between two sips of red wine. Like this,” she said and raised an imaginary glass in front of her face. “Misaki, tomorrow I’m leaving you. The apartment is on the market already, so you don’t have to worry about anything. There should be some people coming in the morning, who have a serious interest. Please prepare some treats, we don’t want them to leave disappointed. I’ll send someone over for my things starting next week. I hope you understand, and I wish you a good life.” She pretended to put a glass to her lips, and sip it, all the while her face was blank as a piece of paper.

_Is this me?_

_Is this really me?_

“I remember every word of that little speech of his, Haruka, as if he just said them to me this very moment. You can bet I will forget nothing of it, for as long as I’m alive.” She smiled at him, but it was a desperate smile. “See, you can never satisfy a man like him, or you. I loved him with my everything, Haruka, I _gave_ him everything, and that’s what I got for it. And that’s exactly what you’re going to do to someone who would be stupid enough to fall in love with you.”

He abandoned all the pretended effort to put the shelf back on the wall and just stood there, a sudden burst of rage making his hands curl into fists.

_Don’t pretend to know me._

The woman had not a slightest idea of who her son was, never was able to find any time to spend with him, and now she was just standing there as if she ate all the wisdom of the world. How did she dare to make statements like that? Who did she think she was?

_Why would being with me be so miserable?_

“I’m _not_ like him.”

It took her a while to speak again, but eventually she did. “I wouldn’t be that sure, Haruka. You’re still young. Wait a couple of years, and then you’ll see.”

“Why are you telling me all this, anyway?”

“Because I want you to understand why I can barely look at you now. You’re my son as well, and that’s not going to change, ever. But I just can’t love you the way I should, I know it. He took everything I could love with from me.”

“So why did you come here, then?” Haruka asked after a long moment of silence, but it got out more like an unintelligible mutter.

She shrugged again. “Isn’t that obvious? I had nowhere else to go.”

And when her stare finally turned away, it felt as if all the ties Haruka had ever had to his past, and for some reason also to his presence were cut clean, like ropes of a ship heading for open waters. He was floating somewhere in mid-air, not belonging anywhere.

To anyone.

And in this state of complete astonishment Haruka wondered if this was what it meant to be free.

But despite what she told him he wanted to believe she was wrong when she said that it’s going to be like this _for sure_. That he was going to hurt someone on the other side of his heart, and that for the sake of that person he should stay alone.

How miserable that would be?

His mind ran to Rin, and the way he cried yesterday in his arms, almost breaking in halves.

Was Haruka seeing it all from the wrong point of view all along?

Because if he knew one thing about Rin, it was that the man was the gentlest, most caring creature he’d ever met. Haruka’s fingers run unconsciously to his broken lip.

_Did I push you into hurting me back?_

His insides spun with a seizure of guilt, when the memory of Yamazaki’s hands on his body re-emerged again.

_No._

_I’m not that bad._

_It was just one mistake!_

“How it’s going with your swimming?” The question took him aback, and when his eyes finally rested on her, she was lighting up another cigarette.

_The woman has no brain._

“Alright.”

“What does it mean – alright? Have you won any big competition?”

Haruka sighed, thinking about his last conversation with Hirai and his one-month ultimatum.

“Not yet.”

Her eyebrows twitched, and Haruka practically saw how, in her brain, she was making a conclusion he would certainly not like.

“Not yet,” She repeated, and he wondered why women had that stupid habit. “Well…and have you been thinking about some other choice of career in the meantime? What would you like to do instead?”

“I don’t want to do anything else.” A strong irritation shook his voice, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Leaving his room he hoped she understood the conversation was over.

“Where are you going, now? We’re in the middle of a-”

“I have something to do.”

The door to Makoto’s room closed behind him with a loud bang, but he was actually grateful. It was definitely a stupid way to let out the pressure, but if not this, Haruka would’ve certainly exploded. With a shaking hand and wavering courage he reached for the abandoned phone and tapped the directions for the university’s natatorium.

It was almost impossible to focus on anything, though, even when there were important things to deal with now.  

Like Rin’s future, for instance.

 

***

_Tatano Daichi, 16:54_

_Trainings canceled today for Team A to Team D due to my illness. Substitution by Hirai-san until further notice, starting tomorrow at 7:00._

 

_Rachel Keating, 15:26_  

_Haru, I know it’s holidays, but I’d like you to meet me in my office tmr. When will you be at school? I shall have some work, so I’ll be there all day long._

 

“Great.” Haruka muttered bitterly, threw the phone on the bed next to his thigh and returned to the book.

Now he had absolutely nothing to do for hours until the meeting with Rin. And he needed to feel the water before he was able to face him again. He sighed, annoyed, and closed his eyes.

The tiredness was clawing on him again, but he decided against taking a nap. It would only make him even dizzier than he already was. And the thought of seeing Hirai – especially so early in the morning – didn’t add to his mood as well.

But what could his English teacher want, well _that_ was a mystery. It’d been approximately three weeks since Haruka had attended her classes last, annoyed by her persistent bothering. He knew she didn’t mean any harm, but…he simply _hated_ when she consistently drew attention of a whole room to him.

Why, for god’s sake, couldn’t she just let him be?

He hadn’t studied the language for _her_ to make him her guinea pig in front of the whole school. No, he though bitterly, it was for a completely different reason.

His eyes travelled to his school bag where exercise books had rested untouched for too many weeks now. And it wasn’t as if he lost his interest in it. But it just reminded him of an Australia offer, which further reminded him of his own premature hopes with Rin.

Haruka closed the book with a soft thud, knowing the reading was done once his mind had taken this direction.

_How could I be so stupid?_

How _naïve_ he was, really, to think that he’d have been wanted in Sydney, when he knew next to nothing about Rin’s life there? As it turned out – despite what Rin truly felt or not for him – it was pretty idiotic thinking.

Which was, actually, another reason he wasn’t all that keen about telling Rin and the rest about his English skills. Wouldn’t that be a natural thing to ask, why did he find it so important to learn it, especially when he seemed to be – let’s be honest here – dumb for the subject in high school? And how would he then explain his stupid wish to transfer?

The truth was, though, that once he put his mind into it, it was actually quite easy. He only had to understand the nature of the language, and the rest came naturally – the letters, grammar, rules, everything suddenly made sense in a way it never did before. The vocabulary grew each day with hundreds of pages read and movies watched.  

Only the very first reason for all that effort appeared now…quite silly.

Haruka pushed his face into the pillow, wishing to stop this track of thoughts.

_You just couldn’t stand the idea of being without him, could you?_

_You just_ had _to follow him everywhere, even to Australia, like a love-sick puppy, didn’t you?_

He sighed and groaned into the fabric.

_You just wanted to see him every day, so you could drool over him and kiss the ground he walks on._

_Ah._

_I’m really a horrible, infinite idiot._

No, Haruka decided as he was starting to choke on the pillow that Rin couldn’t ever know about this Australia idea. The other possibility would be only to die of embarrassment, which Haruka wasn’t sure, but thought was not a most pleasant way of dying.

An hour later Haruka moved around the still condo, looking for something to do to. There was nothing on TV that would be interesting enough to keep his mind off the impending race with Rin.

So it was not a surprise then that he ended up in the kitchen, and after getting reacquainted with the contents of empty cupboards he pulled on a hoodie and went out for grocery shopping.

He wouldn’t have said that he liked cooking, probably no. But it came to him like breathing. It was so similar to the art of painting – wait for the fish to get _just_ the right colour, or just plain simple – listen for _that_   exact hissing sound marking the correct state of crispiness – that he, occasionally found shelter in the mechanical movements of his hands above the stove even beyond the mackerel for breakfast.

It felt almost like a meditation.

And although he hated the idea it was something inherited after his mother, he had to admit the cooking skills was something they indeed shared.

The sun was already down when Haruka wiped his hands on the paper towel and with a sigh left the still steaming dinner on the stove. And there was nothing from Makoto on his phone when he was shutting the door behind him.  

***

Clouds were heavy up on the sky, creating a rather dramatic view as they travelled from one horizon to another. A strangely big moon kept peeking here and there through their redish colored wads.

Haruka had plenty of time to study the scene, indeed.

Because it was good thirty-five minutes after their agreed time, but it felt as apart from him there was absolutely no one in the whole school area. The natatorium would be closed in less than half an hour.

The unease, which ruled his insides the whole day long, now seemed to grow to a completely unfamiliar and overwhelming size.

_Maybe he doesn’t want to see me after what happened between us._

Haruka checked the display for what was probably the fiftieth time.

Still nothing.

_But why would’ve he texted then?_

And again, brand new doubts arose from somewhere deep in his chest, although there was barely place for any already. He had to admit – if he wanted to be completely honest with himself – that Rin’s message was a big surprise. Yes, of course he remembered yesterday’s exchange; to say it was unforgettable would be an understatement. He remembered _everything_.

Also, how Rin refused to race; how Haruka pushed.

But he didn’t expect him to actually agree on it. And yet, however unlikely it was, Rin went along with it. Or at least it looked like it, until around fifteen minutes ago, when Haruka finally understood that who he was waiting there for was probably never going to show up.

With a small shake of his head he pushed himself off the railing and headed for the station.

“Going somewhere?”

Haruka’s head snapped to the shadow under the big tree on his right, and his eyes narrowed in effort to see into the dark.

He knew the voice all too well to not recognize his owner.

Rin’s face was completely hidden, and it was hard to tell his state of mind when he just stood there unmoving, with hands deep in the pockets of his jeans. A heavy silence stretched over the gravel path and the short piece of turf that separated them. Filled with only a soft clicking sound, which Haruka guessed was coming from keys in one of Rin’s hands, it created almost unearthly atmosphere. A car’s horn hollered somewhere in the distance.

_How long were you standing there?_

“You’re late,”  Haruka said, at last.

Rin stepped into the white light falling on his head and shoulders from the school’s street lamp, and shrugged idly.

“You know how it goes. Girlfriends and their needs. You have to satisfy them right then and there, or else they bite your head off.” Rin actually laughed, although it came out weird and somewhat creepy. “Or something else."  

_You._

Haruka blinked, stupefied.

_Breathe, Nanase!_

“No, I guess I don’t…know how it goes.”

Rin clicked his tongue and raised his right eyebrow in annoyed gesture. “Whatever. So, we’re already here, let’s do it. I have someone waiting for me, you know.”

_You liar._

Haruka turned on his heel and pushed his legs into motion. Grateful for actually being able to walk, he allowed himself to close his eyes for a second or two, while he was still a few steps ahead. 

_Breathe, dammit!_

He listened to the sound of reluctant steps behind his back. When Rin’s deep voice cut the air, the movements of Haruka’s legs fell slightly off the rhythm.

 

“I hope you have spare jammers, since I haven’t brought any from Sydney.”

 

_No, I bet you haven’t._

 

_It wouldn’t fit into that suitcase packed with fancy clothes she bought you, would it?_

“Sure.”

And while the sound of their steps reflected against the walls of numerous school buildings as they meandered through the wide area, they were both silent. Haruka loathed this kind of silence – filled with unspoken promises and broken hopes – with everything that there should’ve never been between him and this man.

His mind run back to the movie they watched together yesterday.

_If only it could be that way forever._

But it couldn’t, that much he knew.

Because despite the fact that Rin was aware of that something between them, and felt it with apparently similar intensity as Haruka, he also seemed to have made a decision against acting on it. It wasn’t making any sense.

Was it her?

Was it her money?

But as the thought crossed his mind Haruka felt a pang of guilt grabbing onto him for even thinking something like that. No, Rin was _not_ like that. He would never put someone’s money, even if it should mean a comfortable life like he’d never had, over his own feelings.

And what was it with his reluctance to swim? Rin’s words kept swirling around his mind the whole night through.

_‘Race me._

_I can’t. And I won’t.’_

Did Anna try to forbid Rin from swimming? Why, for god’s sake, would she do something like that? And, mainly, why the hell would Rin obey such a stupid order anyway? His whole life was entangled around water, just as Haruka’s own had been.

There was not a slightest chance that either of them could ever be distantly happy without it.

In the deafening quiet of a locker room it was only water drops falling on the tile floor in adjacent showers that disrupted their seemingly default state of tension. They changed with backs turned to each other as if they hadn’t seen each other’s bodies a hundred times before at joint trainings, or before competitions.  

“You didn’t forgot your goggles, though,” Haruka said, once they were nearing the pool, and Rin’s fingers pulled his spare cap over the red hair. It doesn’t seem to fit right, but he didn’t complain.

Rin shrugged idly. “It’s a lucky charm. Those are to be carried everywhere.”

Haruka’s feet tapped on the stairs of a starter block as he took his position, and his eyes travelled over the peaceful surface of the water before they rested on Rin’s face next to him.

_This is how it should be._

_You and I, together._

“What are you staring at?” The words were too loud and irritated, completely misplaced in the peaceful, quiet atmosphere of an almost empty natatorium, and made Haruka wince. They attracted odd looks from surveillance staff walking by, preparing the pool for the next day.

Haruka swallowed hard, suddenly overwhelmed by the flood of information coming through his senses.

The ever present smell of chlorine, which, in his mind, inseparably belonged with the man standing at his side. A soft movement of the air against the skin of his own naked back; a pull of the plastic cap over his hair. The way Rin’s fingers quivered when he snapped his goggles’ strap. The shaky breath that came out of the man’s mouth once he, as well, took the position.

Haruka exhaled too, trying to focus on the water.

“Yeah, and about yesterday…don’t read too much into it, Nanase. Things like that happen between friends…when there’s plenty of booze around.”

And on the count of three Rin’s long body pushed itself into motion, leaving a dismayed Haruka slightly behind.     

He didn’t have time to think, to stomach the words before his legs followed his mind’s order to move.

But the moment his fingertips opened the cool water’s surface Haruka understood that there was something very, very wrong about this race.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you next week!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: NOW BETA-ED!!! My endless gratitude and indebtedness go to marbled_maven for all the hard work!!
> 
>  
> 
> Soooo, guys,
> 
> Two weeks have passed, lots of things have happened - like me destroying my precious laptop (*crying desperately*) among other things - but finally I’m bringing you another chapter. 
> 
> BUT, my beta is on holidays, and if I were to get the betaed version you’d have to wait another week or so. So to say, I decided to put it here as it is, and fix it later once the beta is back. If you want to wait for a perfection, you’re free to stop reading now. :)) Nevertheless, I tried to do my best with grammar and everything (yet I’m still only a poor foreigner, nah).
> 
> I checked my notes yesterday, and it seems that including this chapter we have exactly three more to go until the end of the part one (the division is in my head, I don’t plan to cut the whole story into actual parts) What I want to say is that I was, gently put, horrified how much of the story is still before us. Duh. What did I get myself into?? Never mind, if you’re still interested, then read on. ;)
> 
> And now I’m finally shutting up! 
> 
> Enjoy!

It’s almost funny, really, how you seem to remember some things, while others leave your memory immediately. As if they failed to dig their little hooks into the tissues of your brain, falling out through the mind’s gates that opened for brand new sights, smells, or tastes. 

And, what is worse, there seems to be no system whatsoever to the selection of the important ones.

For Haruka it was just like that, too.

Try as he might, he couldn’t seem to recall the voice of his dead grandma. He might have done whatever he could, but he wouldn’t remember how exactly he met his best friend. Haruka wasn’t sure what classes he had taken last year, or how exactly his exams had gone while graduating.

He had no idea what he had had for the late lunch yesterday before he ran off for training, although he’d probably remember if he focused really hard.

Then again, he was perfectly certain of how his grandmother’s Miso soup tasted; he could recall it as if it just went down his throat – slightly salty, with the exactly right edge of fishy. He remembered the look in his father’s eyes as his mother gave him last hug before they took off.

He remembered the exact shade of red hair that had captured his eyes on the other side of the rails, once the train vanished between him and the surprisingly somber face.

All those memories, which stayed there untouched, were bound to rest dormant somewhere deep down, only to re-emerge when he last expected them.

And now, as his body laboriously tried to saw through the cool water body, it was the least needed of them all, resurfacing with intensity that for a second or two made him forget where he was, and what he was doing.

He blinked behind the goggles, trying to get rid of the vivid memory flashing in front of his eyes, again and again.

_ Breathe. _

_ Finish the stroke. _

His brain kept yelling commands, but it was almost impossible to focus when there was some unknown, yet strong force that clawed on his limbs. Haruka did his best to propel his arms, keep his head in a correct angle, and tried not to drown in the meantime.

_ Kick with that damned leg. _

_ Kick faster! _

Then again – this time more a feeling than anything else – the memory attacked. The unwanted recollection of how fucking _amazing_ it had been the very first time his body touched the surface of the water with Rin in it.

Haruka clenched his teeth together, trying to keep his eyes straight on.

But it was as if something crawled all over his skin, disconnecting him from the water’s helping limbs.

_ One, two, inhale. _

_ Dammit! _

_ One, two, exhale. _

Because the feeling that had accompanied that fatal moment years ago was so different from what he was experiencing now that it almost made him give up, look to his side and make sure it was really Rin.

_ Why? _

_ Why is it so…slow? _

Haruka’s lungs laboriously sucked in the air, but with each turn of his head he breathed in also a small amount of water. The childish mistake would’ve normally cost him any race, hadn’t there been something seriously wrong with the way Rin swam.

_ He jumped in first, for god’s sake! _

But despite that it took Haruka approximately four strokes to erase the distance, and suddenly he was taking lead.

_ Keep your head down. _

_ Keep that damned head down! _

Back then, when they were small, it was the everlasting fight between wanting to jump out of the water because of the shocking current flowing through him, and needing to never give up following that long body. Its movement in an adjacent line dragged him forward as if there was an anchor set right in his chest.

The electrifying sensation, drawing the oddest kind of excitement, used to make him speed up – if for nothing else, then for catching the boy and making him pay for the effect he had on Haruka.

When he had felt it for the very first time, it was also the moment Haruka knew he was lost. Although he couldn’t have understood the character of the feelings then, even as a child he knew it was something special.

It used to make his whole body burn, and it wasn’t difficult to figure out why.

He was trying to keep up with the Sun, after all.

And the stars were fiery, burning your skin when you tried to get too close. Everybody knew that.

_ Breathe in before the turn. _

_ One, two, now! _

But as his feet pushed against the wall and hurting muscles propelled him backwards, Rin was nowhere to be seen.

_ Where are you, Rin? _

_ Where the hell are you? _

As his fingers cut the surface now, again and again, Haruka gloomily wondered what the hell had happened to the feeling. His crazily running heart skipped a beat as Rin’s desperate cry behind him reached his ears.

_ He’s there, but…it feels as if it’s not him at all. _

Haruka fought the urge to look back and rather sent the rest of wavering energy into fingers catching the water at the end of each stroke.

And no, it wasn’t the water’s fault, not at all.

Haruka felt how much it _tried_ flowing along his back and legs, it indeed did its best. Its utter effort to help screamed at him; how desperately it wanted to push him faster and faster, to carry him – to connect with him.

It was urging him forward, reaching its translucent hand towards him.

_ Come on. Come on! _

He threw himself forward with a growl, but it was too _far_ , too flimsy to catch.

Haruka heard the man struggle behind him, gasping for air.

_ What  _ the fuck _is with him?_

_ With us? _

Because instead of the raging sun by his side, Rin somehow turned into a heavy moon, the gravity of which kept clasping on Haruka’s ankles with tidal force.

Haruka had never been this slow in the water before, but what Rin was doing was even more ridiculous.

It was, truthfully, almost as if both of them had forgotten how to swim.

Not once in his life Haruka prayed to get out of the water so much as he did now. The pool’s wall seemed to be too far, still out of his reach, even when he pushed his arm forward for the last stroke. Like a distant shore for a drowning man, it kept running away with each wave that carried him farther.

And really.

Rin’s weight on his limbs was too strong, too crushing, and the danger of drowning had never been so real, not even in the wide ocean during the storm when Rei had gotten lost.

_ Almost there, hah… _

There was no one to time them, but as Haruka’s palm finally touched the wall, it took a whole second for Rin to catch up to him. He ripped off the goggles and the cap immediately, hoping desperately to break free from that gnawing force.

To no avail, though.

Rin beside him coughed violently, and it felt as if his own lungs wanted to burst out, etched by the strong reek of chlorine.

_ What? _

_ I’ve never minded the chlorine before. _

But the hurting inside was real, dizzying and leaving him breathless. Haruka still panted heavily as his fingers curled tighter around the holder on the starter block. He shut his eyes firmly, hoping to overcome this god-damned queasiness.

“So this is the best the famous Toyo university has up its sleeve, huh?” Rin pushed out, once his breath evened enough.

The hoarse voice cut through to Haruka’s pulsing brain, but he let the stupid question pass without reaction.

What was there to say, anyway?

Only the soft sound of water splashing announced that Rin’s body left the pool. But there was no further tapping of the wet feet against the tiles, nothing that would’ve told him that Rin fled away, abandoned him once again without a single word. But when the man spoke again, it shortly crossed Haruka’s mind that it maybe would’ve been the better idea, after all.

“You won… Hope you’re happy now.”

Haruka chuckled darkly, water surface grazing his broken lip.

_ Happy that I won, hah. _

_ Look at the two of us, Rin. _

“What _the fuck_ are you laughing at?” Rin spat, and Haruka’s eyes finally met his. He was shaking violently, his body tense as if readying itself for a fight.

_ Rin, even a starfish would win over you and me today. _

“Nothing.”

“My ass, nothing! Say what’s there on your mind, come on!”

Haruka sighed, pushing himself out of the water as well. What the hell was with Rin these days? Why was he on the verge of fist fight all the time? And most importantly - what was it in Haruka that was able to pull the worst out of the man.

“Spit it out. You’re laughing at me, aren’t you? Say it! Say you are!”

“Rin. _Stop_.”

_ I would never laugh at you, stupid. _

_ Beat you up for all of this you’re pulling me through, probably _

_ But never laugh. _

A long moment of silence stretched once again between them, but this time there was not a tension filling the space, no. The waves of numerous emotions vibrated through the air from Rin’s quivering frame right to Haruka’s heart.

He sat on the edge of the pool and spat on the inner side of goggles, pretending to wash them thoroughly.

His back was turned to the man, hoping it would give Rin some time to get over whatever he was battling with. That he would calm down, understanding finally that this race was not supposed to humiliate him, but the exact opposite.

It was supposed to let Haruka find out what’s there under the surface where it was bubbling violently, waiting for the right time to explode. He thought that maybe, _maybe_ after the swimming Rin would somehow open up, leave the door inside ajar, so he could find the answers he so desperately sought.

How wrong he was.

Because when the silent words finally came, they were not understanding. They were not formulated by an open mind, no.

On the contrary, they were coming from a place somewhere deep, where the rotten relics of Rin’s confidence rested peacefully under the ground.

“You think you have right to mock anyone, you worthless little faggot piece of shit?”   

 

There was a time, back when Haruka had been much younger – only on the verge of puberty –when the only person who had ever loved him openly and unconditionally died, leaving him alone in the old creaking spooky house. He didn’t remember what had been said about her during the wake, but he knew the whiteness of her burial kimono forced him to look away, burning his retinas.

He couldn’t recall which portrait he chose for the priest to put on the altar, but he remembered the exact shade of flowers circling it.

Haruka tried, he really _tried_ , but as his face slowly turned towards Rin, he just wasn’t able to relive how warm her embraces had been, or how her wrinkled face laughed over jokes he, once in the far away past, was able to make.

Because as his eyes met Rin’s, there was nothing in him that was able to feel anything beyond what those words caused.

And it didn’t matter that the rational part of his brain knew that Rin didn’t really mean it; that it was most likely just a reaction of someone cornered, someone horribly unhappy.

Because there was nothing but a dark emptiness inside of his chest now, freezing his ribcage and turning it into something all too fragile.

All of a sudden, he was made of the glass.

_ You just… _

And he knew as he watched Rin’s expression turn from angry through awed right into horrified that those words were _just_ enough, _just_ that exact last drop to make it all crumble.

Though the web of cracks started somewhere in his chest, it quickly traveled along his shoulders to the very tips of his fingers; through hips all the way to his toes.

_ I just… _

It felt like falling, and at the end of this free fall there would be only crushing.

And suddenly it was not Rin standing there, but all of them – screaming, yelling, judging – each of them with eyes penetrating and full of venom.

He pushed hands to his ears in a futile attempt to silence them.

_ I...stop it, please... _

Nothing could stop them, though, once they, at last, found their way in, right to the core.

 

_ ’…You’re weak, kid…’ _

 

_ ’…You little slut…’ _

 

_ ’…Don’t you think…that… dancing’s sort of like…love-making? ...’ _

_ ’…I just can’t love you the way I should, I know it…’ _

 

 

_ ’…You worthless little faggot piece of shit…’ _

 

And even when the strong arms curled around him, even when Haruka recognized that the hot breeze in his hair was someone’s breath, it didn’t stop.

_ I am… _

He wanted to fight against the pressure on his skin, to push away the wetness of someone’s lips on his eyelids, on his forehead, cheeks.

But it was impossible to move.

_ I am…so lonely. _

Only when someone’s gentle tongue eased its way through his lips, and his body shook violently, it somewhat registered with Haruka that he knew the scent.

That he knew the sound of that breath, although now it came out distorted and rushed.

_ Rin… _

And finally, as if waking up from the nightmare, Haruka breathed in and pulled away from those lips. Lips, which were able to make everything better, but which could hurt like no other in the whole world.

The terrified words kept spurting from Rin’s mouth in a mad rush, stumbling one over another.

“…oh _god_ , I’m so sorry. I’m so so _so_ sorry, Haru. God. _Shit_. God, don’t cry, Haru, please. I didn’t mean it. You’re not what I said, okay? You’re _not_. I am.” Rin’s shaking hands cradled Haruka’s head, turning his face up to him. “It’s me who’s all that. I’m the waste of space. You are perfect, you are absolutely perfect, do you hear me? I-I, please Haru, it’s not you who I was telling that, okay? Please, believe me. Oh god, baby, don’t cry. _Please_.”

And maybe it was the name used, or the desperate glistening in the red eyes, but Haruka’s hands shot up shakily, circling around Rin’s neck, pulling himself up – to the warmth of the other body, to the shakiness of other lips.

_ Don’t cry, Rin. _

_ And I won’t, either. _

This time it was Haruka who pushed forcefully, opened the mouth and searched for something that _had_ to be hidden there – something only for him. He did it in effort to ease the pain, to make it an inch better.

To find the answer, which one of them was the crazy one here.

But maybe they both were.

No protest was coming from Rin’s side, and the fact made him bolder with each desperate swipe of their tongues. His fingers rested on the pale cheek, feeling light stubble scratching against the palm.

Haruka inhaled deeply the scent of the other’s skin, so close it felt like it was becoming his own, and heard Rin do the same. Kneeling on the tile floor he felt an arm circling his back, pulling even closer. A violent shiver ran down his spine as their chests touched, and the other body followed suit.

Only the wet sounds of their mouths dancing madly, little whimpers and two fast breaths filled the natatorium’s quiet peacefulness.

_ You taste so… _ so _good._

And when long fingers dug painfully into his hip, he knew.

_ You want me. _

_ You want me just as much. _

But Rin’s lips were all too soon gone again, leaving nothing but a taste of salty tears, which Haruka knew were his own.

“Haru.” Rin breathed out his name quiveringly. “This is not…a good idea.”

“I know,” Haruka let out a shaky whimper and wiped his eyes into the soft skin of the firm shoulder. “That I’m not as good at this as she is, but…”

_ You were my first kiss, and I… _

“ _Damn,_   Haru. Stop talking nonsense.”

_ I know nothing about these things. _

“But I can learn. If you teach-”

“ _Haru_.” Rin’s hand, which only a moment ago gently cradled his cheek, now shot up and pushed against his eyes in a gesture of frustration.

Haruka’s gaze fell onto the tiles under their knees. He let his arms extricate from Rin’s warmth, understanding that no matter what he did, no matter how hard he tried, nothing could change this inexplicable rejection.

_ I’m not going to try again, Rin. _

“Haru.” Rin’s voice was apologetic, and the fact made Haruka’s stomach turn upside down. “It’s just a matter of time. You-you’re gonna forget it… _me_. It’s better this way, believe me.”

_ This is your last chance. _

“I’ll be gone soon, and you’ll never have to see my ugly mug again. I swear…”

_ Because there is a line… _

“I swear it’s better this way…for you.”

_ That no one can cross… _

_ Not even you. _

The soft touch on the top of his head felt like a sentence was being passed on him. But before it was all closed up – a case solved, although without knowing who was actually a victim here – Haruka _had_ to ask. He must’ve known it for sure. His words were barely a whisper, but Rin certainly heard, because the breath hitched in his throat.

“Do you love her?”

A silence that fell above the surface of the pool was more deafening, and the truth it hid was clearer than any words spoken between them before.

“I…” Rin trailed off, but Haruka knew it wasn’t necessary to say it out loud. “I do…love her.”

_ It’s all clear, then. _

When he wanted to stand up, suddenly there were cold fingers desperately gripping on his forearm, almost making him lose balance. But Haruka shook them off, easily.

"But-"

“Then you keep those hands for her.”

The floor was cooling his feet as he raised his head high and looked at Rin from above. His lips were swollen and redder than usually, opened in a silent question. And the red eyes were glued on Haruka, as if their existence depended on it.

“But the same goes for your thoughts, Matsuoka.”

And there was only lonely emptiness in the locker room as Haruka changed hastily, pulling jeans over wet swimming trunks and battled with the rest of the things while trying to push them into the bag.

The tears were not there anymore, but the yell inside had overgrown every other thought and feeling.

_ I am… _

_ We’re done. _

***

 

A soft murmur carried through konbini’s aisles from the radio hidden somewhere behind the counter right to Haruka’s ears. He sighed, wishing the young girl working the night shift would turn up the volume. Not that it could somehow silence the noise in his head – he wasn’t that bold in his wishes – but even those unfamiliar humans’ voices seemed to be better than a silence. 

He’d had his fair share of it the last few days, always filled with something that made him want to jump out of his skin.

His eyes travelled over the bottles. _Damn_. How many brands of water did there have to be for a person to be content? Was there really difference between them? Water was...water, after all. Haruka wondered what it thought about stupid people caging it into plastic bottles and putting their names on it.

The phone in his pocket beeped again with text message.

Haruka’s hand hastily shot up to the glass door and randomly picked up one brand. It would have to do, since he refused to spend another ten minutes in front of the same shelves.

The girl with two ridiculously looking pink ponytails ripped her eyes from a magazine and looked at him oddly as he placed the single item on the counter.

“S’all?”

He nodded, motioning towards the radio.

“May I ask you?”

Her eyebrows shot up in a surprise, and he wondered if it was because of his language, or request. Reluctantly she obeyed, reaching under the counter and stood up to handle a cash register. The previously hushed voices at last flooded his brain, and he looked to the side, relishing the tension inside of the ribcage eased a tiny bit.

And maybe if the silent ringing didn’t come out of his pocket again, he would even be able to breath for a few minutes. Haruka grinded his teeth, trying to focus on the radio’s weather forecast.

’ _On Tuesday the storm was already rapidly intensifying as downpours and strong winds whipped Kyushu, Shikoku and Honshu. Rainfall averaged 12-25 mm through Tuesday evening local time._

_ The storm has caused thousands of flight delays and cancellations. Some of the crews and aircraft displaced during the storm will have a ripple effect across the country early this week. _ ’

“You’re not pickin’ it up?” The girl asked, gaze shifting meaningfully to the still roaring phone.

“No.”

’ _Severe turbulence resulted multiple passengers being injured as a flight from Osaka to Dallas, Texas, crossed near the path of this powerful storm on Tuesday according to The Japan Times. The flight had to be diverted back to Narita International Airport._

_ Wind gusts of 50-65 kph were felt across most of Japan from Monday into Wednesday as the thunderstorms moved northward and continued to intensify. _ ’

Haruka placed money on the counter once she announced the sum, turning slightly from the girl, and pretended to study various magazines on the wall.

The phone ringing stopped, only to start once again a few seconds later. He swallowed hard, forcing his mind to run elsewhere.

But it was impossible, of course.

Because it seemed almost surreal that after months of yearning after Rin, praying for any sign that he hadn’t forgotten about Haruka’s existence, he was suddenly the one here who drew a line. The one who made a decision of not wanting to continue this twisted game of fighting, kissing, biting – hurting each other in any way possible.

He still felt the same; probably nothing that Rin did or said would change easily the way his heart ran like crazy while thinking about the man. But Haruka was sure this was not how he wanted it be between the two of them. It was _not_ supposed to be like that – when any physical contact was preceded by wanting to kill each other. Gripping shirts and throwing insults.

His mind inadvertently ran to the few heated seconds spent in Rin’s arms.

_ Damn, I have to stop thinking about it every five seconds. _

This had to stop.

Because Rin maybe wasn’t able to make that decision, but someone had to. The bottom line was that he _loved_ the girl – he said it himself. And while he seemed to be attracted to Haruka in a, well…some way at least, it wasn’t enough. No, this was something that simply had to be respected.

If he didn’t love her, if he answered Haruka’s question the other way, then it would all be different now.

Haruka wouldn’t have been here in a god-forbidden konbini at the corner of – he didn’t even know where exactly he was after a mad run from the school’s gate. No, he would’ve been somewhere else for sure, with Rin… his soft lips, and warm hands, and fingertips traveling over his skin...

_ Fuck! Stop thinking about it finally! _

But maybe it was all for the better. Because, honestly, what did the two of them really have? Apart from a constant battle, lies, and the need to swallow each other’s face? Haruka was sure that had Rin said _’No, I don’t’_ tonight, he wouldn’t have cared for the real chances they had, or didn’t have.

He would’ve just dived in without thinking and predicting.

Yet now, when he was actually able to think with something else than his heart and – let’s be honest, something much lower – he saw how fucked-up it all had been all that time - except the precious half an hour in the cinema; but even that memory was spoiled by Anna’s existence looming above them both.

It hardly felt like it was only three short days since Rin came back.

“Damn, just _pick it up,_ already.”

Haruka felt the aggravating girl’s stare at him, and all the pressure inside suddenly uncapped and burst out with steam. He didn’t even have to open his mouth, because it was obviously all in his eyes as he turned them her way. She blinked rapidly, taking a step back.

“Geez,” She said, once the surprise receded. “Cool down, man, okay? I didn’t want to offend.”

She placed the change on the counter and retreated into her corner, muttering silently. Most of _’freak’s,’…one wants to be civil…’, ’lookin’ like Yakuza’s with that smeared face’_ and so the like coming from her Haruka let out as he made his way through the konbini.

But as the evening air cooled his face, he knew she was right. He had to look at the display eventually, either to check all those messages and missed calls, or just to turn it off. Only there was still the possibility Rin’s name would be there, and it made his heart flutter.

The other option, though, was that it wouldn’t, and Haruka hated that he disliked this one even more.

_ Four missed calls. _

_ Eleven text messages. _

Haruka pinched the bridge of his nose in an attempt to gain some control over himself. But as he opened the list of missed calls, none of them were from _him._

The disappointment was crushing.

He dialled Makoto’s number to return the call and waited until a soft click on the other side of line announced that connection was made.

“Haru? Where are you?”

Well, that was a good question.

“In Bunkyo,” Haruka said after a while, knowing that the name of a quarter would tell Makoto next to nothing.

“Uh, okay? Are you at school?”

“No.”

There was a beat of silence while Makoto probably debated if he was supposed to delve further, or not. Fortunately he decided for the latter.

But his further words, spoken in uncharacteristic urgency, took Haruka aback, anyway.

“Haru, we think we know where Nagisa is. And we don’t have much time.”

 

***

_’Tenkubashi station. Please watch the gap between train and platform. Next station – Haneda Airport International Terminal Station._  

Haruka’s fingers tapped a nervous pattern on his knee. Hoping to get out of the subway as soon as possible, he impatiently watched people push inside of the car before the door closed behind them.

Yet all this pent-up nervousness appeared to be kind of useless anyway. He was sure it was too late – it was certainly already too late in the moment Makoto was giving him directions to Akusaka line, which was supposed to get him to the airport. Almost an hour ago.

Nagisa’s flight was sure enough gone for solid three hours now – if it even was his flight, anyway.

Although Makoto claimed that the airport site announced the flight to Osaka was being delayed repeatedly for half a day now – because of the never-ending raging storm over the city - Haruka didn’t want to argue over the fact they had no idea if the plane Makoto and Rei were chasing was the right one. Nagisa could’ve taken an earlier flight just as well.

Haruka tried to dial blond’s number one more time, but just like five times before, nothing happened. A seizure of fear clutched on his stomach.

It was one thing Nagisa wasn’t answering their calls, but as the hotel staff apparently cracked under Makoto’s and Rei’s persistent pressure, they came to know that the blond had checked out of the hotel hours ago.

It was easier to deal with an assumption that Nagisa only decided to go home – notwithstanding if he was still at Haneda right now or not – than even distantly considering the possibility that the blond was laying somewhere unconscious, hurt or…

_ No, stop thinking about it, damn. _

Nevertheless, the idea of Nagisa flying the coop just like that, without telling anything to anybody, made Haruka feel guiltier than ever.

_ Why the hell didn’t I call him? _

_ Why didn’t I tell him it was okay, that I don’t care what he did? _

Haruka guessed he had plenty of work keeping his own head above the water most of the time, but it didn’t make him any less responsible.

But it was more fear than anything else that made him dart in the direction of the closest subway station despite unbelievable need to bury himself under the duvet and sleep the rest of the night away.

_ Please, let him be okay. _

He felt frozen in time. Hundreds of people were getting in and off the car; everyone around him was moving constantly, only he was the only one static.

It was not surprising the airport was bursting with life once he finally arrived and hastily meandered through the myriads of terminals, gates, and shops. He’d been to the place just once before, when he had arrived from Iwatobi for the very first time.

It didn’t feel any less confusing and frightening now as the thousands of people of every nationality, height, weight and race walked around him. Although he was sure they were not paying him any attention, it still felt like all of them were giving him odd looks.

He was sure he could walk around the place for hours and not find the way out, least to say one small person – who was probably not even here in the first place.

The departures board showed Makoto was right about the flight, which still sat unmoved in the middle of others with a red announcement _’delayed’_   next to it. The woman in the information booth finally sent him in the right direction and soon he was almost running towards the gate.

He halted once it appeared in his field of vision, and a wave of disappointment washed over him.

Each and every bench was occupied by tens of people – reading, chatting, or just sleeping the boredom away. But the blond was nowhere to be seen.

Haruka rubbed his face, trying to calm down. Everything in him was jumping in a mad dance, making his vision slur a bit.

_ Get a grip, he only took an earlier flight, that’s all. _

But it wasn’t that easy. Because he knew that if something happened to Nagisa while he was roaming confusingly vast streets of Tokyo all alone, it would be his fault. And partly Rin’s, as well – but it didn’t make his own part any smaller. Haruka leaned on his knees, trying to overcome the disappointment and anguish, when it happened.

An oversized red-haired man, sitting on the bench afar, leaned to the side to say something to his companion, and a shock of blond curls hit Haruka’s eyes.

And, to his enormous relief, there he was: curled on the uncomfortable bench with only a small bag under his head; he was sleeping soundly, with mouth agape and light jacket over his body. Haruka huffed slightly, taking in Nagisa’s resting face, and slowly made his way towards him.

Sleeping like that the blond looked much younger than his years.

Haruka took a seat next to him and gently placed a hand on his head – to make sure Nagisa was indeed alive and well – while the fingers of his other hand fished out his phone to text Makoto.

A soft ’ _ugh’_ escaped from the blond’s lips, and Haruka watched how he was slowly coming to his senses. Blinking, Nagisa rubbed his face and rose into sitting position. Haruka felt his lips stretch into a relieved smile, not even trying to fight it.

“Ha-Haru-chan?” Nagisa asked groggily. “What are you doing here?”

He shrugged, ruffling the blond hair playfully. “Taking you back home.”

“I…” Nagisa trailed off, his eyes traveling over Haruka’s face, before he reached out and gently touched his chin. “What happened, Haru?”

His voice edged with terror when he said that, and Haruka realized this had to be the very first time when his name was pronounced without annoying _’-chan’_. His hand shot up to examine what the blond was talking about.

But all he felt was a biting sting on his broken lip, nothing out of ordinary. Although when he looked into the distorted mirror of a metallic trashcan, he saw where Nagisa was coming from.

_ Damn, Rin must have opened the wound again as we were…uhm, shit! Don’t think about it! _

There was a small blood-red stain smeared from his lower lip down his cheek. He started to wipe it off vigorously, understanding finally why he was attracting weird looks all around.

“Nothing,” he said, but didn’t hope for a second that Nagisa would let it go just like that.

But blond only stared at him, unblinking, and Haruka watched how the tears started to gather in pink eyes.

“Who did this?”

“No one.”

Nagisa puffed, realization reaching his voice. “Who did this, Haru?”

“No one.”

“It was Rin, wasn’t it?” Nagisa nodded as if Haruka’s silence was a sufficient confirmation, and then his whole body curled into itself and his face hid into the fabric of his sleeves. Haruka blinked, astonished, watching how small body convulsed with suppressed crying, and tentatively stroke the slim back.

“Nagisa. It’s nothing.”

“No, it’s not, Haru.” The blond lifted up his tears-streaked face, and his voice was breaking as he was trying to talk through the lump in his throat. “Because it’s all because of me that you two got into a fight. It wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for me. I’m sorry, Haru. So, _so_ sorry.”

Haruka sighed, searching for a way to get out of this situation without letting out too much. But there seemed to be no other way - only telling the truth. He raked his hand through his hair, frustration and tiredness mounting. Only the hope remained that Nagisa would catch on fast enough, and mainly that he wouldn’t make a big scene out of it.

“We weren’t fighting.” He muttered, hesitating over this half-true statement. “Or…at least when that happened.”

A silence.

“Oh.”

Haruka shrugged idly, looking to the side. “Yeah.”

“ _Oh_.” He more heard than anything a widening smile in Nagisa’s voice. “Oh... Oh!”

“Nagisa. Just…keep it to yourself, okay?”

“Yeah, sure.” Haruka felt a soft touch on his shoulder. When he looked back at the blond’s face, he didn’t find a grin, not even a small smile. And the pink eyes were glistening again.

“Thank you, Haru-chan,” he said, voice still thick with tears. “For coming here. Haru, I…”

Haruka sighed, feeling terribly uncomfortable.

“I promise to never break your trust again. I just wanted to-”

“Let’s forget about it.”

And it shouldn’t have been surprising at all when slim arms curled around Haruka and squeezed with shocking strength. He let out a surprised yelp, grabbing onto the bench for leverage.

“You’re actually even much cooler than I thought, Haru-chan! How did you even find me here, though?”

“Makoto’s idea. And let go of me.”

“Sorry.” The blond laughed through the tears while wiping them into his sleeves. “So, ehm, how did it go? Did you manage to find out something…about Rin?”

Haruka let his eyes travel over the people around and contemplated the question. Now, to find the answer wasn’t that simple. Because he so didn’t want to fall into a trap of making Rin’s problems public again. And damn the man obviously had a lot of them.

Haruka’s mind ran back to the harsh words he’d received earlier tonight.

Notwithstanding what was between Rin and him, the man really needed to talk to someone, not to keep what troubled him for himself. There was something heavy on Rin’s mind, crushing him, and he indeed needed help with that. The question was rather if Haruka was able – and mainly willing – to face this evil version of Rin again.

But if nothing else, he did find out something important: After the way Rin swam there was not a single doubt that the man was the only one responsible for leaving the swimming world. Unless girlfriends were able to rob you of your ability to swim – which was quite unlikely – Haruka didn’t think that Anna had anything to do with it.

It didn’t make him like her an inch more, though.

“Guys. Guys!”

Both Haruka’s and Nagisa’s heads snapped to the direction Makoto was running from. He halted in front of them, heaving and sweating heavily.

Haruka chuckled, leaving Nagisa to comment on the way Makoto’s hand clutched Jane’s small one. She was catching for breath as well, waved to them instead of saying ’hi’, and leaned on her knees.

“Makoto?” Nagisa’s shocked but amused voice said it all. The pair looked at each other and blushed nicely.

“Sorry,” the tall man said, wiping the sweat from his forehead. “We got lost on the way here. This place is gigantic.”

“Where’s Rei?” Haruka asked, although the answer was obvious. Unless the two of them needed the third wheel on their date, Rei was most probably tucked in his bed, soundly asleep.

_ And I thought you were talking about him when you said ’we’ into the phone like thousand times. _

“Uh.” Makoto scratched the back of his head, looking sheepish. “I don’t know?”

“Congrats, you two!” Nagisa laughed, and jumped up to hug them both. Jane’s eyes widened in surprise as the blond hung on their necks, but Makoto just chuckled, knowing Nagisa well enough.

“Well, well,” Makoto said, once free, and smiled kindly. “Let’s get home, now that we’ve found you. We have a long way to go, we can speak our hearts out on the subway.”

Haruka stood up, grateful for such an amazing idea. Anxiousness over Nagisa’s whereabouts successfully sucked up the rest of the energy that he had left after that unfortunate race with Rin. But the blond’s face fell all over again, smiling a sad smile that didn’t suit him at all.

“Sorry, guys. I know you mean well, but I have my plane ticket bought, I’m already here, so…I don’t think I’m going anywhere.” Suddenly he beamed. “But I do appreciate you all being such a good friends to me, even after what I’ve done. And maybe one day…” He trailed off, looking at folded arms on his chest. “Maybe one day even Rin will understand. And maybe he-”

“Nagisa,” Haruka interrupted, and rubbed his stinging tired eyes. He was honestly barely keeping them open. “If this is about Rin, I think he understands.”

But try as he might, he was not able to elaborate - excruciating tiredness made his brain slow and heavy. He looked at Makoto, and his friend nodded with a knowing smile. But just before he turned to the blond, he leaned to Jane’s side and silently apologized for them speaking in the language she didn’t understand.

Ever the gentleman, Haruka thought and appreciated a warm feeling returning to his bones.

Jane only smiled sweetly, and when her eyes met Haruka’s he knew she was thinking the same.

“Haru’s right, Nagisa. If you think Rin is mad at you, well that’s probably true. But apart from it, I also think he understands. For the starter, he knows you just like we all do, so nothing that you do probably surprises him all that much.” Makoto was saying it with a teasing smile, and Nagisa actually managed to look affronted.

“I’m not _that_ bad.”

Haruka sat on the bench again, unable to hold himself in the standing position. He leaned his head against the wall before jumping in the conversation. “You’re a whole new level of _’bad’_ after that dinner, Nagisa.”

“Nah,” the blond exhaled, but there was something devilish in his look. “I didn’t think _you_ were gonna complain, Haru- _chan_.”

Haruka’s eyes shot up to meet Nagisa’s, and he narrowed them in a silent threat. He knew he was _not_ supposed to let him know about the kiss; he just _shouldn’t_ have. _Damn_. Now everybody is going to know it, too.

But the blond only stuck out a tongue his way and looked back at Makoto as if nothing was said.

“Anyway, I don’t think Rin’s gonna forgive me anytime soon, so…”

“So make him,” Makoto said resolutely. “It’s not like you to give up without giving a try.”

“Mako-chan, should I be the one stating obvious? First, in two days Rin’s gonna be back in Sydney, second, he doesn’t want to see me again in his whole life – which is a direct quote, by the way, and third, I can’t get my plane ticket refunded, thank you very much Japan Airlines.”

Haruka puffed, knowing that nothing of that sort had ever stopped Nagisa before. Especially as a child he’d wished more than thousands of times to never see the blond again, but it never worked.

Fortunately, of course.

“I’ll pay for your ticket, if that’s the problem,” Makoto said, unblinking, and a strange feeling of gratefulness washed again over Haruka.

“Mako…” Nagisa’s eyes were suddenly full of water again. “You’d do that for me?”

The tall man nodded with a smile, and to Haruka’s surprise held Jane around the shoulders. She bit her lip, and turned even redder than before.

A moment of hesitating silence fell between the four.

“O-okay, then. I think…I’m going to try…to get Rin’s friendship back. I guess…”

“Finally,” Haruka said and stood up. “Let’s get home now.”

Makoto looked almost apologetic when he looked his way. “Actually, could we get something to eat before? We didn’t have anything before we ran here, and Jane’s really hungry.”

Haruka moaned inwardly.

_ This day’s never going to end. _

 

It took exactly nine plates of sushi for Haruka to lose patience altogether. Not that he minded the place his friend with excitedly sparkling eyes chose for dining, but there was apparently no chance whatsoever to get into bed before midnight if Makoto seriously intended to explain each and every piece of fish that landed in front of them.

Nagisa just chewed on his meal contently, but Haruka didn’t miss he was uncharacteristically silent.

“Haru?” Haruka’s eyes snapped to Jane, and she smiled apologetically. “You don’t like your meal?”

_ Ah, good. _

_ That English thing again. _

He lowered his head, deciding for short _’I do.’,_ and Makoto sent him a strange side-glance.

Yeah, well, his best friend was the only one who knew the truth. It was hardly possible to keep something like studying a language from your roommate. And since it also enabled them to watch a high number of movies with only English subtitles together, Makoto knew his abilities all too well.

He so wanted to give her the proper answer, which would’ve been rather sophisticated. Because not only was the fish over-salted, also the rice was way too vinegary and the sauce contented too much soy sauce.

When he looked up, Jane stared at him with strange twinkle in her eyes.

“What do you like about nigiri? That is what you are having, isn’t it?”

Damn, the girl was stubborn.

He sighed, looking to the side. She was probably just trying to be civil, but it was getting increasingly difficult for Haruka to keep up this stupid game of not-understanding when the guilt was yelling stronger with every muttered answer.

_ Just tell them the truth. _

_ They’ll probably just laugh it off. _

_ And the girl looks nice enough, she’s not going to be angry for sure. _

_ No, she _ ’s _just going to look at you as a weirdo as well, telling Rin, and…shut up, finally!_

“Because, truth be told, I don’t see any difference in taste,” Jane said finally, laughing awkward silence off. “They’re all the same for me.”

“They are _not_ the same. The three nigiri pieces demonstrate a progression of fat content,” Haruka said in Japanese while leaning forward and pointed towards the pieces. “It usually starts with the lean maguro, then it moves on to the fattier chu-toro, and it ends with a piece of o-toro.”

Makoto laughed bitterly. “Haru, I don’t think I can translate that.”

“Yeah,” Nagisa finished chewing. “And Jane’s definitely not interested in it, anyway.”

“She wanted to know,” Haruka said, affronted.

A strange silence fell on the table while they were eating, and he thought if it was ever going to change. But too soon Jane stood up from the table, turned to Haruka, and motioned towards the counter.

“Please, Haru, would you help me pick up something really good? I can see you know what it should look like."

_ Damn, this is hell. _

_ Why can’t I be in my bed instead? _

He reluctantly followed, too tired to think of any excuse, and stood next to her once she leaned against the counter. It took her exactly five seconds and one short glance back to the table before the flood’s gate opened.

“You think I’m stupid, Haru?” She asked, looking directly at him – not even trying to speak slowly, or pronounce with special care.

In an instant Haruka turned into a stone statue, unmoving and petrified. He loomed over the menu on the counter, unable to even swallow, while the horrible realization reached his brain.

_ She knows. _

“You must, because otherwise I can’t explain what you’re doing now.”

A short while stretched, and good ten seconds ticked away before his heart finally restarted. He rubbed his face, trying to wipe away brand new layer of sweat forming on his skin.

Her voice was silent when she spoke, but despite his best effort Haruka wasn’t able to recognize traces of disapproval.

“Even before Makoto admitted it, I knew you understood everything from the moment we were introduced in front of the restaurant. And then as Anna and Rin fought in front of you…” She paused, waiting for him to meet her stare. “You’re really not as good at controlling your emotions as you think.”

_ I am, unless Rin is concerned. _

And by the way wrinkles formed around her soft pink lips Haruka realized that she was not judging him, per se – only wanting to get this idiotic game over before Nagisa’s ever curious eyes rested on them again.

“Look, I don’t want you to feel attacked, or something. Haru, I do respect your privacy. See, I don’t really care what you’re doing it for.” He watched her lean her elbows on the counter and wave an elderly Japanese cook away with a smile and a slight bow.

She took a deep inhale as if bracing herself for saying something difficult, and hid her face in small palms before looking at him with glistening eyes.

“Jeez, this is hard,” she whispered, clutching a button on her shirt. “But I really need to talk to you about something, Haru. And you and I speaking the same language will save us a lot of time and energy. So…would you please stop making a fool of me now?”

_ Talk to me about something? _

_ Don’t tell me there’s more news I don’t want to know about. _

But the look in her eyes was almost frightened when she turned them his way - almost as if she was more afraid of what was about to come than Haruka himself - and it somehow helped a resigned sigh to escape his mouth. He nodded once, hoping that this wordless answer would be sufficient.

“Okay, okay.” She said, nervousness shaking her voice. “So, uhm, then I think I’m going to ask first…how did the race go tonight?”

Haruka’s eyes snapped to her worried ones, and shrugged neutrally.

_ So Rin told her. _

_ Does Anna know, too? _

“Alright, I guess.”

“Haru,” She said, her fingertips tapping nervously on the wooden surface. “I’d really like you to be more specific. It’s very, _very_ important for you to tell me _exactly_ how it went.”

The memory of Rin’s hurting words re-emerged, only to be replaced by the one of his burning skin and magical work of his lips and tongue. Haruka swallowed, fighting the electricity running through his veins.

_ So she wants to know exactly how it went, hah. _

_ I highly doubt it. _

He scratched his cheek, trying to find more suitable answer. “I won, he lost.” But with every passing second Jane seemed to become more and more impatient.

_ What does she want me to say? _

He added when nothing was said for a long while. “Well, it was pretty miserable on both sides, if you have to know.”

“ _Shit_.” Haruka’s eyes widened over the sudden outburst, and flicked to the small fist that smacked the surface of a counter. “That’s what I was afraid of,” Jane said, and then muttered to herself. “He must be devastated.”

Haruka looked up, unable to push down an already familiar anxiousness.

“Devastated?”

Her lips pushed into thin line, and she nodded, reluctantly.

“Haru, you have no idea how much it meant for him.” Her whole body turned to Haruka, as if she wanted to emphasize the words. “How important racing you tonight was.”

_ Important? _

_ Meant a lot to Rin? _

And Haruka wanted to laugh over this far-fetched reasoning, he really did. Because it was easier to be angry at that cocky and aggressive idiot, who at one moment called him a faggot and in the second pushed tongue down his throat. Much, much easier to feel hurt and humiliated by the way Rin had left him waiting there for more than half an hour before he even showed up, not to mention how he acted afterwards.

Though as memories of the race were slowly settling down, alongside emotions that accompanied it towards its end, Haruka was finally starting to think more clearly.

And he knew like nothing else that when it came to Rin, this kind of stupid behavior was never what it looked like on the surface.

So…could it mean that he was just…that much nervous?

And _that_ much disappointed after they finished that he was unable to contain himself?

_ Is that why you lashed out at me like that? _

“So if what you’re saying is true, then…” Jane trailed off, shaking her head slightly.

Haruka felt his blood pressure rise. Because she obviously _knew_. She knew everything there was about this mystery, and he was suddenly so close to finding out that it made his knees weak.

_ She has to tell me. _

_ If I have to skin her alive, I would, but she’s gonna tell me everything. _

He straightened in front of Jane, making her eyes meet his.

“Why don’t you tell me already? Why has he stopped swimming? What happened? Has he been injured?” Haruka threw question after question with a slightly rising voice. And when no reaction except blinking rapidly and letting out a shaky sigh came from her, he dared to place a hand on her shoulder, and squeezed gently. “Please, Jane, tell me. I _have_ to know.”

“I can’t, Haru.” Soft blue irises turned his way. “I wish I could, but…frankly, he’d kill me even for this conversation, if he ever came to know it took place. But as a matter of fact – the answer to your last question is a ’no’.”

_ Just tell me, for god’s sake! _

_ I’ll do anything. _

And all of a sudden there were warm fingers curling around his palm, squeezing tightly.

“But, I can tell you this. I know what you’re trying to do…that you want him to get back to swimming. And despite all…the things that happened and I can’t talk about…it’s something that’s worth a try. I talked to Rin today, Haru, I _did_. I watched him torture himself all day long before this race of yours, and he wouldn’t admit it, but…I think he wanted to let you do it, tonight. He’s _trying_ , he’s really trying his best here, Haru.”

_ Is that why you came to meet me, after all, Rin? _

Haruka let out a puff of air, and shook his head.

“You have to give me some clues, here. If you want me to do something, you have to tell me _more_.”

She nodded understandingly, but the tone in her voice as she spoke was final. “I know it’s not a lot, but it has to be enough. It’s his prerogative to decide how much he lets you in, not mine.”

_ He would have never let me even so far in the first place, if it wasn’t for Yamazaki _ ’s _games._

_ How I’m supposed to know what to do, when I don’t even know what the problem is? _

“Then why are you telling me even this much?” He asked, irritated by the vagueness of each and every answer he was getting.

There was a long moment of silence before she spoke again.

“Maybe it’s not that apparent, since you haven’t spent much time with us, but Rin has become very close to me. I didn’t know him for most of my life like you have, Haru, but I _live_ with him, and we’ve been spending each day together for months. I love him as if he was my own brother. But…that doesn’t mean I have to agree with everything he does.”

Haruka exhaled tiredly, not anticipating any concrete information anymore. But to his surprise, for once she gave him one. “Like when he gives up the only thing he loves more than anything.”

“I don’t know,” Haruka pushed out after a while. “What to do.”

The small hand once again rested on the back of his own. “Just don’t give up on him, Haru. Never.”

Haruka blinked, confused. “I-I won’t.”

Jane nodded. “Because I know you, and I am sure you _can_ help him.”

_ She knows me? _

_ What does she mean? _

“Ah,” She said with a smile, probably noticing his confused expression.”I keep forgetting you don’t know me the way I know you. I’m really sorry.”

Was it his exhausted brain, or did this girl always speak without actually saying anything?

“Oh Haru, you have no idea.” He looked up at her whispered words, and his heart jumped. “How much I know about you.” Her fingers squeezed his hand tightly, making him understand without unnecessary words.

_ He talked about me. _

_ He talked about me _ a lot _._

_ Oh, Rin. _

_ You stupid, stupid idiot. _

“Thank you,” Haruka whispered back, reciprocating her stare with strength he’d have hardly found in him half an hour ago. She nodded with a sad smile.

“Just remember that what Rin lacks the most now is something only you can give him. That much I’m positive about.”

_ What he lacks the most…? _

_ Oh, I give up. _

With a resigned sigh Haruka decided to leave the thinking for tomorrow. It was impossible now when he was already sleeping on his legs. His eyes wandered over her shoulder where the TV was on, news showing footage of a raging thunderstorm.

And even in the state he was in, Haruka was able to realize that, ironically, the storming weather torturing Japan last few days turned out to be quite useful in the end. Only thanks to it Haruka was able to catch Nagisa before he flew away, and also got another piece of this puzzle called Rin from this courageous girl.

He would have said it was fate, if he believed in such stupid things.

Jane turned towards the table, but before she could run off Haruka’s hand shot up to her forearm. He needed to make sure she understood. Because maybe she didn’t give him much, maybe she didn’t say a lot, but it was clear that she was going out of her way trying to help Rin - and that made them on the same page. He wanted her to know that he wasn’t going to betray her trust.

“Jane, I won’t tell anyone we met here.” His gaze flicked to the table. “Although I can’t guarantee Nagisa won’t blab about it to someone.”

She smiled nicely, understanding immediately what he meant. “Oh, no problem. Rin knows I’m out with Makoto and Anna’s out of town, anyway.”

“Out-out of town?”He asked, confused.

Jane glanced at him shortly and sighed.

“Well, yeah… Her dad took her for a day out of Tokyo, they apparently have this summer house somewhere close.” She fell silent for a moment, filled with a soft scratching sound of her nail on the plastic restaurant menu. “After what happened yesterday she really needed it, so I’m actually glad.”

Haruka stared at her, distraught completely by the sudden outburst of thoughts in his tired brain.

_ Out of Tokyo? _

_ For the whole day? _

_ … _

_ Hah… _

_ Rin-Rin. _

_ So much for satisfying your girlfriend’s needs. _

Haruka knew he shouldn’t, he really shouldn’t have let the happiness wash over him just because of the single piece of information, but any fight was futile. The emotions ran wild without any other impetus needed.

_ Rin was not hers today. _

_ Rin was not naked with her today. _

_ Rin did not come apart in her body today. _

And while Haruka knew it was just this one day that Rin didn’t sleep with the girl, although there had been others before, and many more were yet to come, he couldn’t care. At least today it was just Rin’s stupid and unexpectedly uncovered way to protect himself from Haruka, and nothing more.

He felt his blood run wildly, and it was a feeling so dazzling, so unimaginable that he was pretty sure he was not standing on the ground, but rather floating above Jane’s blond head.

And the feeling stayed with him on the subway ride, and also as Jane said her good bye and Makoto left with her, walking her to Anna’s place. It didn’t change a bit when he and Nagisa were cutting distance from the station to his home.

And it was also the main reason why it hadn’t occurred to him sooner that the text messages still lay there unread – and that maybe, maybe, not all of them were from his best friend.

Haruka kept ascending the stairs up to his condo when a shaky finger finally opened the inbox.

And his heart flew out of his chest right up onto the building’s roof.

 

_Tachibana Makoto_  

_ [Haru, call me _ . _ 20:05 _ _ ] _

 

_ Matsuoka Rin: _

_ [You’ve forgotten your goggles and a cap. I left them with the janitor _ _ 20:36 _ _ ] _

 

_ [Haru _ _ 20:47 _ _ ] _

 

_ [Please, forgive me _ _ 20:48 _ _ ] _

 

_ [Or no, don’t forgive me. It’s better this way. Go on hating me. _ _ 21:03 _ _ ]  _

 

_ [I never meant to hurt you, I really didn’t  _ _ 21:13 _ _ ] _

 

_ [I can’t stand it, damn. I can’t be the one who makes you hate me.  _ _ 21:36 _ _ ] _

 

_ [Haru, damn _ _ 21:40 _ _ ] _

 

_ [Just say something, please.  _ _ 21:58 _ _ ] _

 

_ [Fine, I fucked up, okay? I deserve everything you’re giving me now. But, fuck, Haru _ _ 22:15 _ _ ] _

 

_ [I can’t stop thinking about you.  _ _ 22:19 _ _ ] _

 

Haruka’s legs almost missed the threshold as his eyes ran again and again over the last text message. Blood ran crazily through his veins, and after a few light-speed circuits throughout his body it rested in his cheeks, heating them up.

And all of a sudden there was a strangely warm, unknown feeling, so similar to the butterflies they talk about - that should fly in your stomach when you’re in… _love_.

Haruka took his shoes off without giving them one look, not daring to let his eyes wander anywhere from the display. It was possible that the sentence was just a product of his imagination and it would disappear if he didn’t hold it in its place.

_ In love… _

_ Am I? _

_ … _

_ I guess it’s so. _

“Haruka-kun?”

The smile that had formed on his lips and threatened to connect on the other side of his head fell down in an instant. He blinked at the unexpected sight inside of his own apartment, and halted half-way through the genkan, right next to equally confused Nagisa.

And only when the blond’s voice finally cut through the silence, it somehow registered with him it was not a dream.

“Anna-kun?”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: NOW BETA-ED!!! My endless gratitude and indebtedness go to marbled_maven for all the hard work!!
> 
>  
> 
> Heya, guys!!
> 
> I hope you’re all well and eager for reading, since I’m finally back. Sorry you had to wait, but you’re going to find out why right now. There’s so much I want to say to you, but as I know myself I’ll forget half of it, duh...
> 
> First of all, today you’re gonna get two chapters at once - but both together marked as 8, no reason to divide it. You’ll see while reading what I’m talking about though. I think of doing the same with the following two so we’ll get over part one of the story as soon as possible. There’s this short story contest I want to participate in, and I need my head clear of this story for a while, AND the deadline is too soon.
> 
> Second thing: there are some things in this chapter regarding qualifying for participation in swimming competitions that I just simply made up, since I couldn’t find anything about it on google and I needed it for the story later - just so you know that it’s most probably not like that in reality ;)
> 
> Third: Once again I’m mentioning, but not showing Haru’s job. I’ll get better in the next chapter, I promise.
> 
> Fourth and most important: I don’t really know how or why, but I’ve seem to lose my beta... Whatever happened though, I’m in a search for someone out there, who would be willing to do that for me. I know it’s a lot – my chapters are soooo long, but it’s just one reading before I update.
> 
> So if YOU are somewhere there, PLEASE let me know either in comments or to enceladusaao@gmail.com.
> 
> As the matter of payment there shall be my love and endless gratitude. ;)
> 
> So, let’s get to reading finally, enjoy!

Ninety-six thousand and something yen.

That’s how much Haruka had in his account last time he checked. It wasn’t anywhere close to wealthy, no. But he was getting by somehow. From month to month, waiting for a thin paycheck - only to add to that little he already had.

But Haruka never needed much. Then again, what would he spend his money on?

There was no one important in his life to give presents to, no one to take out and buy stupid worthless things like souvenirs from places he wished to never forget. There was no one who would want him to get a cone of ice-cream when summer’s worst heat wave hit, or a hot tea after a vicious snowball fight on a freezing January afternoon.

There was indeed no one.

Ninety-six thousand and something.

You could do only so much with this amount. Staring out of the window, Haruka pondered how far it would get him, if he now, in this very moment, made a reckless but oh-so-freeing decision to leave Tokyo for good.

But where would he go, anyway? Back to Iwatobi? Or out into the world he knew nothing about?

Would it be even enough to get him out of the country?

The twinkling little light was slowly making its way through the pinkish night sky. His eyes seemed to be glued to that small, almost imperceptible dot, as if it represented something akin to a real escape from the scarce space of the dusty room he now shared with _her_. He wanted to reach out and capture it into his hand; make it stay here with him.  Here, where the two of them had become characters of a horror movie’s deleted scene - fictional people forever imprisoned in one room, bound to never get out. Doomed to hate each other until both went mad for good.

Eight minutes ticked away without a sound.

_ What are you doing, Rin? _

Where were those people on the plane heading, anyway? Holidays, work, family - it could’ve been anything, really. But one thing was clear.

That they, unlike Haruka, had somewhere to go.

Sitting on Makoto’s chair, Haruka clutched the phone in his lap as if it was the last straw for a drowning man. Hidden in the shelter of his sweating palms, the device felt like the only source of warmth in the whole universe. The beacon of false hopes that he still wanted to believe, despite the fact that with every beat of his stupid heart they died, like flowers on the window Makoto kept forgetting to water.

In the too strong light falling from a ceiling lamp Anna’s face looked like one of a ghost. Contemplative and calm, she seemed completely unfazed by Haruka’s presence. As if he wasn’t worth her attention, as if he wasn’t even there.

As if he didn’t exist at all.

_ I can’t do this alone, Rin. _

Her unmoving figure stood in front of Makoto’s humble library with only slender fingers running over books’ backs, and he felt almost obligated to observe her profile. To watch how the curve of her shoulders changed with every breath she slowly, carefully took. How her white knee-length skirt hugged her hips and accentuated the flawless body.

His eyes were looking at her, but his mind was somewhere else. Somewhere in the dark where a long, firm body lay on a still bed, fingers curled around a device similar to the one caged in Haruka’s own hands. Waiting for a response to the text messages that wasn’t coming his way.

_ You can’t stop thinking about me. _

The though made his tired body heat up with a white hot flame again and again, like a lit match would do to damp wood; no matter how many times the fire inside died, extinguished by coldness around, the spark that was Rin’s words always made everything hot afresh. Yeah, mere hours ago Haruka had been standing in a small konbini, all riled up and bitter, firmly decided to let go. And unbelievable as it was, it took only one stupid sentence to change it.

_ I’m an idiot. _

_ But I can’t help it. _

He ran his thumb over the unlit display, greasy from his sweating fingers, wishing to know what to feel. What to think of it all.

A car’s door closed on a street outside with a loud thud, attracting his attention. A suited up driver leaned against the high-polished, pitch black limo and lit a cigarette. It was highly unlikely a car like that would’ve found itself coincidentally at such a lousy place as he and Makoto lived.

No, it was waiting for her.

_ Where are you, Rin? _

Haruka snapped back to the presence when her words finally came, and swallowed hard.

"You never struck me as a literate type."

He blinked, his heart skipping a beat over the shocking sound echoing against the walls of the quiet room. She let out a slow, deep breath, an air of some unknown decision floated around her. Haruka wondered whether it was supposed to be an insult, or just a way to postpone an inevitable conversation.

_ It’s here. _

Haruka’s lungs were barely cooperating when he pushed words through his lips.

"They’re Makoto’s."

"Ah, I see."

_ It’s starting. _

A silence ruled again, trying to shut down his exhausted mind like an overheated computer battery. He rubbed his face in an effort to keep the wildly jumping emotions under control. It was getting harder and harder with every passing second though. Maybe it would’ve been for the better if he just started it himself - at least they would’ve gotten over this torture sooner.

What was she waiting for?

She was going to speak, and it was clearer than the pool water that she wasn’t here to discuss weather and Tokyo’s architecture.

No, they were going to talk about Rin.

Anna was here to set things straight, and he was so miserably unprepared for the attack that it made him want to open the door and run away like a small boy would from a dentist’s appointment.

But it wasn’t as if he was afraid of the girl.

_ Rin, I need you. _

No, if he was really scared of something, then it was himself.

Because underneath the heavy load sitting on his chest, Haruka wasn’t exactly sure what he felt now that she was here. Every single time this girl crossed his path, he was lost within all existing depths of misery, some of them taking the face of jealousy, some of pure guilt.

But here and now, there was something new, something ugly, awfully searing inside of him - ignited by her presence, by the absurdity of the situation he’d gotten into. By the flaring need to stand up and run back into Rin’s safe arms, a thirst impossible to quench because of Anna’s existence.

It was a rage so consuming that underneath its moving mass Haruka was terrified it was going to burn him and everything around him into ashes.

Because now that he had her here, everything that had been gathering inside of his chest for days, every worry, every fear, every hope, every single _fucking_   thing was stirring in a big bubbling pot, blending into overwhelming darkness inside. Little did Anna know how the content of this dangerous potion was already spilling over the edge.

And as she turned her piercing eyes his way, Haruka understood that what he needed more than anything now was a handbrake he could pull to stop himself.

"Say you were in my shoes, what would you do?"

Haruka tried to unclench his teeth at least a bit so it would be possible to speak.

"I don’t know."

Despite everything he indeed tried his best to give her an honest answer. Because he didn’t know what to do while being in his own skin, let alone in someone else’s. Her blue eyes were on his face, curious and searching, before she stopped right in front of him, and the heart in his chest galloped.

_ Rin. _

"Haruka, let’s end this. Alright?" She seemed to be waiting for an answer, but all he could do was reciprocate her stare and keep his limbs still - it was far better for her own good if Haruka stayed unmoving at the moment. But her voice was calm even when she spoke again, and he wondered if she noticed at all what was happening right in front of her eyes.

_ Get out before it’s too late, girl. _

"I know what you’re trying to do."

Now this was starting well; if nothing else, she managed to pique his interest. With lips desensitized as if they didn’t belong to him, Haruka was hardly able to speak.

"Yeah?"

"And I’m here," she continued as if he didn’t say anything. "To ask you to stop."

Haruka narrowed his eyes. It was one thing to say what was there on her mind. To clear the air. She was free to try threatening if so she liked – it wouldn’t have had any effect anyway. But it was something completely different to order him around. A whole new wave of anger washed over him, weakening the strength of his inner boundaries even more.

"You don’t say."

And suddenly it didn’t matter that the constructively thinking part of his brain knew she was not any evil. That it wasn’t anything personal - if it wasn’t her, it could have been any other girl in her place. That she was nothing more than unwilling part of this fucked-up situation, where the three of them unintentionally found themselves - and although it was wrong on so many levels it made his head spin, she didn’t want this anymore than he did.

She blinked in surprise, and Haruka realized with a start she wasn’t expecting him to put up any fight. Well, he thought, in that case she was fatally wrong. He watched her put some distance between them as she circled the room, and his insides bubbled over the audacity of her eyes touching Makoto’s and his own things. She was _not_ supposed to be here.

No, it didn’t really matter anymore that he could never stand up and yell, that he had no right to tell her to fuck off from Rin’s life. That she might have been the biggest bitch in the whole world, but she was still Rin’s girlfriend. That she had every right to claim her rights.

That he had _none_.

Because she was _here_. Because she dared to lay her damned foot on his own territory, disrupted the only place he was able to find any semblance of peace.

And, mainly, because there was that truth hidden within the chips of a muted device - a few ones and zeros that didn’t mean a thing unless they were coming from Rin’s fingertips, perceived by Haruka’s traitorous eyes, and brought to life by viciously contracting heart muscles.

Then they meant _everything_.

"I’m tired of it all, you know?" She said at length, and her voice indeed carried heavy traces of exhaustion; as if she hadn’t slept for a long time. "I’m trying to not look at you as a bad person, but you’re not helping me here."

_ A bad person? _

No, she had no idea at all as she slowly made her way towards Haruka that the extreme fatigue made him over-sensitive to every input coming in through his senses. That instead of dulling the roused emotions, it made them go berserk within his ribcage.

The plastic cover of the phone screeched under his deadly grip. When she spoke again quietly, her voice was smooth as the lines of her body.

"Haruka," Her commanding voice raised something dark from the depths of his mind. "Stop using swimming to steal what’s _mine_."

_ Using swimming? _

_...? _

Haruka furrowed his eyebrows, unable to believe what he’d just heard. "I’m not stealing anything. _"_

A silence.

"Aren’t you?"

What was he supposed to say to that? Was she being serious?

Was Anna here because she though the race tonight was a means Haruka used to get into Rin’s pants? How _absurd_. She apparently didn’t have a clue about the way the two of them functioned, or how much they cared about each other.

"No."

_ Why the hell did Rin even tell her about it? _

"I don’t see it that way," she said, raising her voice slightly.

_ I just want him to be happy. _

"That’s your problem."

_ With, or without me. _

"It’s _our_ problem, Haruka."

When her hands curled into fists and her eyes clouded with a storm, Haruka wondered what kind of turmoil was happening inside of her own mind. Because her gaze never wavered, and maybe she stood a good two meters from him, but if she was on the other side of an ocean at the moment, it would’ve felt too close anyway. Blue to blue - both searching for answers without needing to ask, both dying to get out of this as winners.

No matter how ugly the fight had to be.

"I’m not doing anything like that. Rin’s free to do whatever he wants."

"Well, apparently you are." Anna said calmly again, but even from the distance he noticed how strands of the black hair falling into her face trembled. "Since I can’t see any other reason why would you take advantage of your shared past in such a vile way."

“He _wants_ to swim." Haruka muttered.

"You don’t know a thing about what he wants," Anna hissed. “Or needs.”

_ Maybe I don’t. _

Haruka snickered. “You’ve only known each other a few months. What can _you_   know?”

_ But you don’t, either. _

She straightened again, letting her arms fall to her sides.

"I don’t get it." Anna shook her head after a little while, looking expectantly at him. Almost as if she indeed longed for an answer. "This swimming obsession of yours. And the rest of your herd as well. It’s all in the past, now. Why can’t you just let Rin be? Why, pray tell, do you keep pushing him into something he’s second-rate at? What are you getting from it then?"

_ Second-rate? _

_ Rin? _

"What?" Haruka’s voice quivered, keeping his inner screaming inside by the very tips of the fingers.

_ Are we even talking about the same person? _

Because, yes, the race tonight was everything but top-class, yet talking about Rin as second-rate was the most absurd thing Haruka had ever heard leaving Anna’s mouth. After all, each and every athlete had his better and worse moments; it was as inevitable as the possibilities of a human body.

She shook her head, eyes stuck on Makoto’s tatami.

"No, uh-uh, you won’t fool me, Haruka. Not me. You’re trying to pretend there’s some honorable reason to your actions, while we both know what it is you want from him.” She paused, pursing her lips in disgust. “In that club - you and tha other guy showed us what you are. See, I have nothing against it, strictly speaking, you being a gay has nothing to do with me." 

_ What the hell? _

He didn’t know what pissed him off more; if it was the fact she accused him of using low methods to steal her boyfriend, or the way she made the most precious feelings he harbored for Rin look like something he should’ve been ashamed for.

"Are you done?" He spat and slowly rose up.

"No, I am not _done_. Stop confusing him."

Haruka growled through the gritted teeth and took few steps towards the door, passing her unmoving figure. His hand shot up to wipe the sweat from the burning face.

_ Fuck. _

Did she have a slightest idea how impossibly hard it was to stand here just like that, to contain everything inside that was screaming for violence?

Maybe she did, because when he turned around and his eyes met hers - despite the words that came out of her mouth - there was a flicker of something else behind her blue eyes, and a nervous tic in the corner of her lips.

"I’m not afraid of you."

_ Well, maybe you should be. _

The silence fell onto the room again, and only the pain in his wrist reminded him that the phone was still trapped in the vice grip of his hand. Finger after finger he released the pressure and with a shake of his head let it fall onto Makoto’s bed.

_ Unbelievable. _

_ Fucking unbelievable. _

It was really time to move on. No matter how much time they were going to spend battling over this topic, nothing that each of them said could change the other’s opinion. She wanted to see him as a villain; well…that was her right. But she meant nothing to him, nothing at all, and Haruka didn’t give a slightest shit about what she thought of him.

The display lit up as the phone touched the sheets, showing an unread message. Haruka blinked, fighting the jumping in his stomach.

"Look," she said, attracting his attention back to her. "I know you despise me, yours and Rin’s friends despise me, everybody does." She glanced Haruka’s way when he stayed silent. "How nice of you to not pretend otherwise."

He shrugged and held her stare. "I thought you wanted to be honest."

Her eyes narrowed and she spat, furiously. "Don’t think for a second that I give a damn about it." Her eyes burned holes into his face, and she was shaking more and more with each passing second. "But don’t pretend to know anything about me when you don’t."

_ I don’t want to know anything about you. _

"Same here." Was the only thing Haruka was able to push out as he reached for the device once again.

"Let him be, Haruka. I’m the best he can have. I know it, he knows it, and you know it too."

He looked up from the phone, the beating in his chest louder than ever before. Was it even possible for a human heart to work so hard and not fail?

And she was probably right; she _was_ the best Rin could have. She was pretty, and smart, and wealthy. She was not a coward; she was brave enough to come here tonight to protect what she thought was hers. But as he stared at her, he knew one thing that she didn’t.

 

_ Matsuoka Rin: _

_ [I need to be with u now. Have to see u. Please, Haru, _ _ 23:31] _

 

That she was not the one Rin craved at the moment.

"Reasonably put, however it was, or _is,_ between you and him, I am the one who can give him something you never will." She was studying the cracks on the wall. "Like acceptance of the world. A normal life. ...an easier life."

Her words echoed in a quiet room, his exploding chest, and the space around the planet, which kept spinning as if one of the most important moments of his life wasn’t just happening. The sound of waves that filled his ears was unstoppable, making him almost miss her further words.

"You’re lucky we’re leaving in two days, Haruka. You wouldn’t like to have an enemy like I could be.

_ Rin needs me now. _

_ Thump. _

He watched her cross the room placidly and place a palm on the door just as she reached for the handle. Her eyes shot up to meet his, filled with slight confusion and something undecipherable.

_ He needs me. _

"He’s not going anywhere," he whispered into her face and observed with sickening pleasure how her eyes widened, surprised by unexpected audacity.

_ Thump, thump. _

And as he opened the door for her and gently pushed against her lower back to get her out of the room, Haruka never let go of her stare. "I’ll make sure of it."

Anna’s lips pursed into a thin line, and it wasn’t hard to see she was fighting for control.

"Strong words coming from someone like _you_."

He looked right into her eyes and saw something new, something that he’d never seen it there before - a desperation; a flicker of a lonely darkness that kept swirling inside of his own chest. Standing here in front of him, Anna was ready to do anything to never lose Rin; she was more dangerous than ever.

But she was not the only one stubborn here.

Haruka shrugged, and he was sure there was a small twisted smile forming on his own lips as he held out a lit display in front of her eyes, letting the last few messages of the one-sided conversation seep through her senses.

And then he waited.

_ What am I doing? _

The thought shortly flickered underneath the thunderstorm of his emotions, but this highway had no exits; once he took this direction he _had_ to reach the finish line. He waited, and waited, and waited, until she blinked in complete disbelief, and her cherry-red lips fell open.

_ What the hell am I doing? _

Because he was willingly, consciously hurting this human being, knowing all too well what was happening inside of her right now. Because it couldn’t have been any different from what he was going through last few days.

And yeah, he despised himself at the moment, but there was not a way back now.

Not when she said those words; when she opened her mouth and actually used an _’easier life’_ in the very same sentence with Rin’s name. Anna might have searched for a thousand things to say, and still she’d have never found two things less compatible.

No, she didn’t know a thing about Rin.

Because, hell, Rin was not like that at all. Rin was the one who would’ve gone to the end of the world and back just to make one stupid dream happen - and it didn’t matter if it was his own, or someone else’s. Rin would’ve worked his ass off only to become a better swimmer, better friend, better brother. A better person.

No, Rin had _never_ been the one to choose an easier life.

_ An easier life... that’s me, not him. _

And it was true, indeed. It was Haruka’s, not Rin’s style to always, _always_   choose the easier way, to avoid everything bothering and annoying. Anything that would actually expect him to act, to work for something. Every day of his life had been just like this.

Until he met that stupid, beautiful idiot.

Because with Rin _everything_ was work. To keep up with him in a pool was work, to keep his guard up, because some brand new biting remark could come his way was work. To keep his eyes from roaming over Rin’s body all the time was work. Even the breathing while being in the same room was work.

And unbelievable as it was, Haruka didn’t mind it a tiny bit.

_ I’m coming, Rin. _

And just like that, with two simple words Anna showed Haruka something crucial. That she might have been in love, might have been willing to fight for her feelings, but the one she loved was, simply put, not Rin.

Not the real, genuine Rin - the one with messy hair and toothy grin; the awkward, gentle kid who was dying to appear much cooler and rougher that he was, but never cared too much about it once he realized he was loved. The one who, despite years of trying, was still nothing more than a small red-haired boy inside, always on the verge of tears.

No.

She was in love with this strange, unfamiliar short-haired version of Rin that almost never smiled. Who was willing to give up on something he loved the most, something that used to be his everything. His dream. And this, _this_   was something Haruka would never understand.

_ I’m coming to you. _

Because the honesty of Rin’s ambitions and unrelenting stubbornness was exactly what made him perfect.

So until this real Rin was somewhere there, peeking over the walls painted in fancy colours, Haruka wasn’t willing to let go.

Up until she came here tonight, it was all about swimming, yes – the thought of taking a step forward and reaching for Rin’s heart never seriously crossed his mind.

But she managed to change it.

No, it didn’t matter at all what the person, standing in this room, thought about him. It didn’t matter what she knew, or didn’t know about his feelings for Rin. It didn’t mean a thing that she was far better for the man, that she was smarter, wealthier, that she could give Rin everything.

He could never give up on Rin.

No, he was too much in love to give up on any chance he’d been given, no matter how feeble it was.

It always took Haruka ages to make a decision, especially one that would change his life in one way or other. But once it happened, it was scarcely revocable. And now, he was finally willing to believe everything he saw there in the red eyes long ago, although it was never put into words.

He decided to trust this ’something’ hidden between letters of Rin’s e-mails. Or in the smiles sent his way back in Melbourne. In the looks that burned holes into his face, high above the ground in a fancy restaurant. In the gentlest embrace of the strong arms; hopes and promises given and taken within silence of the mirrored elevator. In the lips and hungry fingertips. In that shaky sound in Rin’s sighs. 

Yes. He was going to fight for Rin.

It took her a few moments before she was able to speak, but once she did, Haruka knew she exactly understood where the two of them stood at the moment. She raised her chin higher and smiled, trying to put up a confidence that clearly wasn’t there.

"Very well."

She walked out of the room and took a few steps towards the front door before she turned on her heel. Opening her mouth in order to say something, she was just as surprised as Haruka when another voice interrupted their personal tragicomedy.

"Kawasaki-san, are you leaving already?" His mother walked out of Haruka’s room, wearing amicable smile on her face. Anna nodded tentatively and stayed silent. When her glistening blue eyes rested on him again he knew that it was not the end. Not by a long shot.

"Thank you for your hospitality, Misaki," she said with voice completely calm, never once leaving Haruka’s eyes. "And you too, Haruka-san, for the amazing meal I was allowed to experience while waiting for you."

She bowed slightly, and Haruka would swear her eyes sparkled with a flame as she did it.

_ She ate my food? _

Both women were lucky Nagisa’s blond head materialized from the common area and stood by his side. He wasn’t sure what exactly his reaction would be, if he was left alone with the two of them.

"Oh yeah," His mother exclaimed excitedly. "Kawasaki-san was truly amazed by your cooking talent, Haruka. She suggested we should get together for a dinner before she and her friends return to Australia, and you could show them what you can do. What do you think about it, son?"

_ Son? _

_ Suddenly I am a son. _

Only the soft _’Haru’_ coming from Nagisa’s side stopped him before he lashed out.

_ I’ll show you what I can do, no problem. _

"Actually, I think we shouldn’t be that humble in our plans.” Anna said slowly, and Haruka had a strong feeling something interesting was going to come. “I’m sure Haruka’s abilities are never appreciated enough in this small kitchen. So…uhm, what would you say about doing it in my dad’s house? His equipment is definitely far more suitable for comfortable cooking than this one, and I’ll make sure Haruka-kun has there everything he needs. All you have to do is come and bring his talent."

His nails dug painful red half-moons into the skin of his palms as he watched his mother turn a delighted face towards Anna.

Why was he not surprised the two of them got along so well?

"Oh! What a brilliant idea! I’d love to meet your father."

"Unfortunately, he stayed at our summer house. Never mind," Anna continued, ignoring Haruka’s mother disappointment. "What would you say about tomorrow evening? Say, at six o’clock? There’s no better way to finish an awesome holidays than a great good-bye party, isn’t that so?

They were staring at each other and while he knew she was daring him, testing him, trying out his courage, he had exactly no interest in jumping into the trap she dug right in front of his eyes. And as they stood face to face, Haruka realized that both of them were mutely yelling the very same thing.

_ He’s mine! _

But it was him who Rin needed at the moment, _not_ her. The thought filled him with faith he didn’t hope to find after the last few days. The moment before he spoke something strange crossed under her black eyelashes.

"Unfortunately, I have some other program tomorrow evening." Haruka said dryly, seeing the realization hit her eyes.

_ Yes. _

_ I’m going to spend it with your ex-boyfriend. _

A silence.

_ In his arms. _

"Such a shame," Anna gritted her teeth.

_ And I’m going to come back soaked up in his scent. _

Her stare was ablaze again, two blue fires trying to turn him into dust. When Haruka’s mother’s voice cut the silence, none of them moved a brow.

"Can’t you postpone it for later? Your friends are leaving soon, after all."

"No, I don’t think so."

_ Or maybe I won’t come home at all. _

"Don’t worry, Misaki. I understand," Anna muttered under her breath.

Finally she turned to leave, and it felt as if the air in the room was suddenly considerably lighter.

When his pouting mother vanished behind the door of the cave his own room had become in the meantime, Nagisa let out a relieved chuckle and scratched the back of his head sheepishly.

"Half the time I was expecting you to say ’I only cook free,’ or something of that kind."

Haruka rolled his eyes and downed a glass of the freezing water poured from the faucet. The clock on the wall showed it was almost midnight when he pulled on a windbreaker. It was only him and Nagisa leaning against the wall of the genkan when Haruka was trying to force his stubborn clumsy fingers to tie his shoes.

"Where are you going?"

Haruka looked up from the ground to the blond’s expectant face.

"To see Rin."

Nagisa’s eyebrow shot up. "Now? Didn’t you say you’ve got training at seven in the morning?"

_ Damn. _

Haruka’s hands stopped in their motion and sighed, rubbing his blood-shot eyes; the stinging behind them reached an unknown intensity. It wasn’t as if the prospect of Hirai’s yells and hateful stares would stop him from going, hell no. He’d go to Rin tonight even if he was supposed to drown in a pool tomorrow.

But it reminded him of the exhaustion that made it almost impossible to tie his shoes properly. He knew that if he boarded the subway now, the only result would be falling asleep immediately and most likely missing the station anyway.

No matter how viciously his heart beat from the idea of feeling those warm hands again.

Rin would certainly understand if he came an hour later. He’d just sleep for a while and head off.

When he lowered himself fully dressed on the still empty Makoto’s bed, placing the phone with a set alarm beside him, Haruka hoped beyond measure that one insignificant hour wouldn’t make any difference in Rin’s feelings.

One never knew when it came to that man.

 

*** 

Water felt different that morning. Repulsing an attempt to unite; leaning away from his body everywhere they touched. It kept refusing to help him at all, even when he begged for its affection. Every single cell of his skin screamed of how disgusted the cool liquid was by his mere presence.

It was punishing him for something.

And while he had experienced the state of mutual misunderstanding before - like yesterday while sharing the water with Rin - _this_ was brand new. This was scary and horrifying at the same time, making him want to crawl out of his skin.

_ Why doesn’t it want me? _

The question was rather rhetorical, to be honest. Haruka knew all too well what he was being punished for as he raised himself from the pool, and drops fell happily off his body, returning to water’s wholeness as if they waited for this moment all that time.

Even for him it was almost impossible to withstand his own existence since the morning; what was he expecting from sensitive water’s senses then?

He shook his head for what had to be thousandth time that day, wishing it was possible to kick his own ass.

But try as he might, he wasn’t able to understand how he could’ve slept through the alarm, Nagisa’s snoring, Makoto’s late night arrival and the loud way his best friend always moved around the room while preparing for bed. It had _always_ woken him up before, so why _the hell_ not yesterday?

Haruka’s eyes shot up as the sound of a whistle echoed around the natatorium, only to be met with Hirai’s gaze.

"Okay, tadpoles, get your asses over here. _Now_ ," The small man yelled into the clamor of the room, and Haruka noticed that swimmers belonging to Hirai’s own small elite group – he could hardly believe the stupid nickname The Princesses was their own idea - had already gathered around him. The rest were slowly leaving the pool or bleachers, reluctantly moving towards them. "Make a circle, dumbasses, everybody wants to see my pretty face."

Hirai sat on the bench, taking notes into his hands and turning pages while looking over them with a disgusted expression. Haruka threw a towel over his head and hoped his disdain for the man wasn’t terribly apparent. With a sigh he set half of his mind to listening, while the rest ran elsewhere.

_ I don’t care what he’ll think. _

_ The first thing I’ll do when I see his face is kiss him. _

"Now, something all of you’ve been waiting for the last few months. Qatar. Doha. FINA World Swimming Championship in a month from today. I hope I don’t have to make any special announcement about the fact that I’m one of the members of the Japanese national committee. So if you have any hopes to get onto the plane that takes you over the rainbow, you should start to enthrall me like this very moment. None of you will probably be too surprised if I say that so far it looks like the one qualifying place we have in our hands will go to Hagino."

Haruka focused enough to notice how half of the eyes turned to the tall man on his left, while the rest bitterly pursed their lips or rolled eyes. But the chewing man didn’t seem to be affected by the attention in one way or another; it was what awareness of your own abilities did to the confidence.

Only the skinny dude on his side patted his shoulder encouragingly - Haruka tried to remember his name, but nothing emerged apart of the fact he was Hagino’s best friend.

_ No, kissing won’t be enough. _

_ There will have to be so much more than that to fix everything. _

The thoughts sent a thrilling sensation down his body, tingling and beautifully warming at the same time, and it had to be a pinch of pain that woke him up from his reverie as he unconsciously bit the broken lip.

_ I’ll make him forget her for good. _

"But don’t let your little hearts stiffen in fear. The committee will make its choice depending on your results in upcoming tests - no need to worry about the fact you didn’t even make it into nationals. Which means anyone of you can go there if you’re able to beat others’ times."

The little group around Hagino chuckled, probably over the absurdity of the idea that anyone able to beat the man in the water had been born already.

Hirai threw his notes onto the bench and looked right at Haruka. But if he was going to say anything or not was unimportant as the man sighed and stood up with a small shake of his head, releasing Haruka’s eyes.

"Dismissed. …oh yeah, and I want to see you all here tomorrow at noon. I’m not going to wake up at six again because of your stupid heads. Asuke, don’t you dare eat before getting into the pool like the last time…"

Haruka turned his hearing off, already walking towards the locker room, cheeks heating up.

_ I’ll make him feel so good. _

 

The shower Haruka took after the training was the fastest he’d ever had, and then he walked through the school area in a crazy haste. Just the same way as he had hurried trying to catch the commute that morning - and despite the mad run still arrived twenty minutes later, when everybody was already in the water.

Placing one foot in front of another without looking, Haruka took the route through the school’s corridors leading into Rachel’s office. He just had to see his English teacher for a moment, and he’d be free. His mind kept spurting forward in a dazzling rush.

_ I have to call him. _

The simple text that he had sent the first thing in the morning after opening his eyes and swallowing an overwhelmingly intense guilt stated nothing more than _’Meet you after training.’_

_ Why the hell is he not answering? _

Tomorrow was Friday, the last presumed day of Rin’s presence in Tokyo, and he hated the idea of spending a minute without him. With each passed hour there was only less time to change the man’s mind about flying away.

But Haruka decided to keep faith in himself and Rin. He _had_ to believe the power of his own lips, which seemed to be Rin’s weakness.

_ He’ll stay. _

_ I know it. _

The door to his teacher’s office was left ajar, a soft music was coming through the radio inside as he paced in front of it. Haruka fished out his phone and checked for an answer for what was like thousandth time.

Nothing.

_ Come on, Rin, what’s taking you so long? _

With a little shake of his head, Haruka dialed his number and waited. But instead of a familiar ringing on the other side signalizing the call was about to happen, there was a soft beep and a robotic voice sent unpleasant shivers down his spine.

_ ’The number you have dialed is temporarily not available.’ _

How - not available? Where the hell was he? What was he doing?

Haruka tried once again with the very same result. And then again. While it didn’t have to mean anything, it still felt as if someone punched him in the stomach.

With suddenly cold fingers he knocked on the door and pushed against it. Rachel sat at the table, her back turned towards him. And Haruka knew the shade of her red hair was far from being the same as Rin’s, but it gave his heart a kick anyway.

_ I’m a lost cause. _

He knocked once again and her face turned to him in an instant.

"Oh, Haru, you’re early. Come on in!" Rachel exclaimed and motioned for him to take a seat at the old worn-out couch. "How are you doing? I haven’t seen you for a while, have I?"

"I’m fine."

_ Why are you not answering my text, Rin? _

And maybe she wanted to meaninglessly chatter for a while, because her violet eyes shone with excitement as he took a seat opposite of her, but she would have to find someone else for that purpose. Haruka was hardly able to keep the track of his thoughts on a leash; as always, they were trying their best to run out of his hands right into the darkness.

Because he’d learned during few last days that Rin was far harder to handle than he’d ever thought. The man was like wind and fire combined, always on the run, always an inch out of Haruka’s reach.

_ I hope nothing happened to you. _

"So, uhm," She said after a while of a silence, and the electric smile fell a bit. "I’m sure we’re both pretty busy, so...uhm, I’ll try to make it short. The faculty of Letters intends to prepare a special feature for this year’s School festival. You see, their contribution is supposed to revolve around poetry - Japanese as well, but mainly world classics. You know - Walt Whitman, Pablo Neruda, Henry Miller and so on, you have the idea."

Haruka blinked in utter confusion, trying to keep his mind focused on the fast pace of her speech. Not that he had problems understanding Rachel’s American English - she’d fostered up his skills after all - but although she was speaking as if it was common knowledge, he’d never once in his life heard the names she just used.

"So the idea was," She said with a coy smile. "Mine to be honest - to prepare brochures with the selection of the most famous of poems in both Japanese and English versions, so everybody could try to read in original and feel the beauty of the language - but also understand everything, even the parts too difficult."

_ Huh? _

"So here comes the point: I’d like _you_ to translate them into your own language, and we’ll take care of the rest. Easy-peasy."

Haruka’s eyes rested on the stained yellow carpet under his feet. If this wasn’t the most absurd thing that happened this unbelievable week, then he didn’t know what else was.

_ Poems? _

"Why me?" He pushed out after a while, terribly confused. "Can’t you do it yourself?"

Rachel smiled and shrugged. "Of course I could try. But do you really think my Japanese is that good? Even the best translators work _into_ their own language, not the other way around."

"I don’t know."

"Haru, there’s no one else in the whole class - what, in a whole _school_   that has such a natural talent for languages as you do. You never thought of becoming my assistant here at the faculty? It would be great for you. I mean - even in a terms of money, you know what I mean." She pursed her lips when no answer came her way.

Nothing had changed. The woman was always going to push Haruka into something he had no intention of participating in.

"I’m asking you as a friend, Haru. I really need a hand with this."

Haruka swallowed, a bitter taste of anguish resting on his tongue. Maybe under different circumstances he would’ve felt bad for the way he intended to turn down the favor, but now...now it was the least important thing of all. And while the thought shortly crossed his mind that if Rin left tomorrow after all he was going to need something to keep his head occupied, Haruka didn’t want to believe it.

_ No, Rin’s going to stay. _

_ It’s just his battery that died. _

_ Yeah, that must be it. _

"I’m sorry. But I don’t think I’ll have time for that. You have - you have to find someone else."

_ Or it is not like that at all. _

They stared at each other for a while, Haruka trying to keep basic bodily functions from seizing up, and Rachel most likely searching for the reason why the student that had never shown a single trace of rudeness suddenly refused her like that.

"Oh. Okay then..." She said in a low voice, eyes inquiring. "Well, if you change your mind..."

Mechanically he stood up, fear swirling in his chest, and Rachel’s violet eyes were concerned as he was trying poorly to coordinate movements of his limbs. At last, his hand curled around the door’s handle.

"Are you okay, Haru?"

He turned his face towards the wood of a door when her voice filled with unease reached his pulsing chest, and forced his lungs to inhale.

"Yeah," He said hoarsely and pulled the door open.

_ I’m fine. _

_... _

_ He’s fine. _

_ It’s not as if he doesn’t want to talk to me, is it? _

_ As if he cut me off again. _

_ I’m fine. _

But as the fresh air of the corridor blew onto his face, Haruka knew, just like Rachel did, that he was everything but. 

 

It was exactly two hours and thirty laps of rabid swimming later that Haruka’s patience ran out. His legs had been killing him with furious cramps for a good while, but he couldn’t stop. Not when there were thoughts haunting him, pushing him to yet another lap, clouding his mind.

The phone rested next to the starter block, fully charged with volume set to maximum. And no, it wasn’t at all sad and needy to check the display every few laps. Not at all.

Leaving Rachel’s office, Haruka knew he wouldn’t be able to go home – not until he’d gotten the response he was restlessly waiting for. Returning to the pool was the only solution – and the only way to sooth the swirling panic.

He tried to think the other way, he really did - to not give up on the warm feeling that Rin’s claim of needing him lit up in his insides. But a creeping fear clutched at his fingers as they tried to push forward through stubbornly un-cooperating water body, until it made him hold onto the edge of a pool and reach for the source of all today’s suffering for the last time.

With a heart threatening to choke him, Haruka dialed Makoto’s number.

"Are you with Jane?" Was the first thing Haruka asked, not bothering with unnecessary prologue.

"Uh...yeah? ...what’s happening?" Makoto’s voice was immediately on alert, recognizing anguish in his friend’s tone even where Haruka’d swear it was perfectly even.

"Ask her if she knows where Rin is."

"O-okay. Wait a second."

A soft murmur on the other side made him want to crawl out of his skin. After a while longer than a whole ice age, Makoto was back.

"She says he’s at home with Anna. Why?"

Haruka gritted his teeth and his free hand rubbed against his eye-balls, pushing them painfully against the panicking brain. The sky was vividly blue and almost cloudless when he, at last, looked out through the natatorium’s glass wall. It was laughing at the storm swirling inside of him.

_ God, no. _

_... _

_ Don’t tell me it’s too late. _

Because if it was really the case; if the night spent sleeping instead of running to Rin was the cause of screwing up everything, Haruka wasn’t sure how was he going to live with himself. But as those few white puffy clouds crossed the blueness, he was starting to understand that last night Rin was standing at a crossroads.

Maybe suffering all alone, lost without Haruka’s presence that would show him the way; trying to decide which way to go.

_ Please, no. _

And if he needed Haruka then, he might not today. The decision could’ve been made in the darkness of the night when Haruka was chasing his dreams.

"Can you...can you give her the phone?"

A soft rustling sound filled his ear as it was handed over, and then there was a soft _’hey_ ’ spoken in Jane’s gentle voice.

"I’m sorry, Jane."

"It’s nothing, Haru. What do you need?"

"I..." He hesitated before swallowing hard. "He’s not picking up the phone."

And just like before at the airport, Jane understood without unnecessary words. Maybe he was just getting so bad at hiding his emotions, but more likely she was just clever - and much more similar to Makoto than was humanly possible. A beat of silence preceded her soft words, and Haruka would swear there was sadness somewhere in her voice when she spoke.

But it was hard to tell when everything around him blended into a strangely purple haze.

"I talked to him twenty minutes ago."

_ So...yeah. _

_ He redirected my calls. _

_ Just mine. _

_ … _

_...no. _

"Haru. Do you need us to come over?"

_ I... _

Haruka shook his head, too busy fighting tears to be bothered with words.

"We’ll come." Jane stated resolutely. "Where are you?"

"No," He pushed out at last. "I’m...I’m at school."

_ Rin. _

Why did everything have to be so difficult? Why couldn’t it be simple, just as Haruka’s feeling for that stupid idiot were? Why did the littlest of mistakes have to mean the difference between everything and nothing?

The happenings of previous days ran madly through his head, leaving him breathless and dizzy with strangely intense pain. One after another, they danced behind his firmly shut eyelids: Rin’s burning eyes at that dinner; their first kiss; the touch of a strong hand on his cheek; finger gently wiping off his own tears; Anna’s visit.

_ Anna’s visit? _

Haruka breathed in. "Can you, can you tell your friend something?"

"Anna?"

Haruka nodded, and for some reason knew that Jane understood as if she stood right there.

"Tell her I’m up to it. If it’s still stands, I’ll be there at six."

  

************

 

One is free to believe in fairytales.

It is, after all, what the world we live in wants us to do. To believe that there is that ’one’ meant for me and no one else, the ’one’ that knows how to love me without needing to say anything. A prince, a princess - someone fitting within the concept of an ideal.

Cheesy movies, romantic novels, endless soap-operas.

Haruka never watched those stories. Never read them on purpose. Never searched for them. But it didn’t mean he wasn’t exposed to them, at least as a small child being in the care of an older woman. It also didn’t mean they didn’t sow the littlest of grains into his mind.

After all, no one would judge him for knowing about their existence. No one would, unless they came to know that even he, a grown-up man, in the darkness of his room wanted desperately to find refuge in them.

Why not?

Sometimes daydreaming was all you had when there was no one willing to love you for real.

They were always someone else’s though.

Not once - not even when Rin’s smile had been thousand miles away and a chest pain couldn’t be dulled by a wall and a pillow - had Haruka hoped he would find himself in one of them _for real_. That he would chase the man of his dreams like a fool, unable to believe that he was leaving for good; that they were never going to speak to each other again. That this theatre play would not have any rerun.

That it was the end.

But as he stared out of a window of a black limo, which he, Nagisa and his mother had found sitting in front of his house, Haruka realized with a heavy sigh, he just seemed to get what he had secretly wished for.

And he also knew it was now or never - either he was going to win Rin’s heart now, or he’d never see the man again. And he wasn’t ready to let go.

It just hurt too much.

The limo parked on a high hill; underneath lay a splendid garden, cut in two by the curved gravel road they’d just come on. On both sides stood cedars and a neatly mowed turf ran from their lines to the explosions of flowers of each colour and size. Despite being drowned in the dark, the garden seemed to open into a golf course on the left, and a small pond with shimmering water lay on the right side.

Everything was lit up by perfectly placed lights, creating a rather magical atmosphere.

The main building was massive, to start with, and as Haruka entered it through the door with elegant glass inserts, he had to fight the need to open his mouth in awe. Everything here was amazing, and beautiful, and expansive.

Haruka chuckled darkly as he was led through the lit-up house, realizing that he himself wouldn’t have been able to choose a better place for a drop-scene.

The sizable lounge was filled to the brim with people he’d never seen before when their little group stopped in front of the entrance. Each side was engorged by tall vases full of lilies; their intense smell filled Haruka’s nostrils. There was an air of celebration floating around the room, and he wondered of what sort.

_ Where are you? _

Trying to ignore his mother’s presence, Haruka thanked gods for the hundredth time that night to have Nagisa by his side. The blond was entertaining her while his eager eyes scanned the chattering crowd.

_ Show yourself to me. _

And there he was, slightly to Haruka’s right; standing in a small circle with face serious, blazing red hair burning Haruka’s retinas; a tall glass in his hand. He kept sipping from it, not even trying to pretend he was taking part in the conversation.

Haruka took a few steps into the room, his chest a symphony of fluttering birds beating wildly against the ribcage, and let his eyes feast on the sight.

He always knew Rin looked good in black, but a plain button-down shirt hugged his trimmed body perfectly, giving him a look of a mature, sophisticated man. He was beautiful, attractive, sexy; everything Haruka was not, but it didn’t stop him from wanting and needing and yearning.

And Haruka would’ve probably stood there the whole night long, had there not been a dark chuckle coming from his left. His head snapped to the side, only to be met with Yamazaki’s smirk. He braced himself for a stupid comment, but, unexpected as it was, the man just took a step closer and stood by his side. With the very same glass as Rin held in his hand Yamazaki motioned towards the crowd.

He spoke in a voice gloomy and silent, words addressed to Haruka and no one else.

"The vultures are gathering."

Haruka followed his gaze, only then noticing Anna standing by Rin’s side. And like a charm, as if she sensed their stare, blue eyes turned to them and her smile faded down. He watched in utter disgust how her hand touched Rin’s back and hissed inwardly when Rin’s eyes searched clumsily around the room, until they rested on Haruka’s face.

They were strikingly beautiful.

And they were also a little hazy and unfocused, glistening in the light of the hundred lamps hung around the room’s walls.

Haruka sighed, unable to believe that Rin would get himself wasted in this kind of company, not to mention so early into the evening. The pair slowly made their way towards Haruka, meandering around the chatting groups. Anna kept throwing smiles that were everything but believable in every direction.

"I thought he was your best friend," Haruka muttered towards strangely quiet Yamazaki.

A short silence preceded his words, but when they came, something strange and horrifyingly wrong clicked into place inside Haruka’s chest.

"I’m not sure I know this person anymore."

Nagisa’s cheerful blabbering filled the holes within their strange conversation, complementing murmur of the lounge, and just before Anna’s lean frame got too close for Haruka’s heart to withstand it, Yamazaki’s serious face turned to him.

"I don’t have a good feeling about this, dolphin. I think you should get out now."

Haruka huffed, just before the pair reached their little group, never leaving red eyes. " _I_ think you should shut up."

Because Rin was finally there, standing right in front of him, shining through Haruka’s night like a firefly caught in cupped hands. Haruka felt blood filling his cheeks under the stare and cursed his stupid heart that was refusing to slow down the wild pace.

"Haruka-kun, Misaki, how nice to meet you again," Anna said, not smiling a tiny bit. Nagisa behind Haruka’s back puffed, apparently offended by being completely excluded as if he wasn’t there at all.

He nodded, letting his eyes run back to Rin’s side. Was it just him, or was the man swaying slightly?

_ God, Rin, what are you doing? _

And from the proximity Haruka noticed something else: dark shadows under Rin’s eyes were making their redness stand out even more.

"Everything is set up in the kitchen, Haruka-kun," Anna interrupted their wordless exchange, her voice thick. "Ayako here shall take you there and explain everything. Please don’t hesitate to ask for anything you need."

A small, old woman in a plain grey dress materialized from the thin air and bowed deeply in front of Haruka. At least her wrinkled smile was genuine.

"And Misaki, come with me, please. The Parisian friend of mine I told you about is here, and he’s eager to meet you. You can practice your French as much as you like."

The excited exclamations of his mother dissipated into the background as the two women left and mingled within the crowd. Haruka watched Rin’s stare move from him to his left side, red eyes throwing daggers at Yamazaki’s still present figure.

The big man snickered bitterly, downed the content of his glass, and before leaving turned to look right at Haruka.

"Be careful."

Blinking in confusion, Haruka watched Rin’s gaze darken a few shades, and thanked god that the annoying man finally disappeared. Looking around the corridor, Haruka realized they were mostly alone. Of course, there were people coming in and out of the room, but no one paid them any attention. He wondered what happened to Anna for her to leave Rin alone with him just like that. Coming here Haruka anticipated her being stuck to his side like glue. Even Anna’s old servant was out of sight. And where the hell had Nagisa disappeared to?

"Why did you come here?"

Haruka blinked once again, letting Rin’s words seep into his brain. The question had more than one answer, and who knew which one Rin wanted to hear.

"To cook."

_ To make you mine. _

"Yeah," Rin grunted, unbelievingly.

Haruka took a step closer. And when he dared to reach out, dying to touch Rin’s wrist, craving the contact, there was nothing but the air where just a second ago the warm skin was. He let his hand fall down, sighing shakily.

"I have to talk to you."

Rin opened his mouth, but closed it again as Nagisa’s angry voice echoed around the parallel walls. The blond emerged from around the corner, right behind Haruka’s back. His hands squeezed his shoulder enthusiastically - mouth readying for a brand new outburst - when his eyes went wide with surprise.

"Oi, Haru, I didn’t know...I’m sorry."

But Rin was already turning away from Haruka, his light fading away, and there was absolutely nothing that he could do to keep the darkness off.

"You should go home."

It was the only thing Rin said before he walked away, eyes resting on Haruka longer than he probably intended, but at last - he was gone. And there was nothing but a creeping fear that filled his body; if previously strong, now completely overwhelming - that all was lost.

And Haruka’s lips were like always sewn together, unable to find proper words. To stop the man, make him listen to the simple explanation. To make him forgive him.

_ I wanted to run to you, I did. _

"Haru, I don’t know if you’ve noticed," Nagisa jabbered, anger bubbling under the surface. "But there’s like fifty people in there. Nothing like that was said when she was suggesting a _dinner_ before."

"I know."

"So...how, for god’s sake, are you going to handle it? Correct me if I’m wrong, but as far as I know you’ve never cooked for so many people? What kind of trap is she setting up here?"

Haruka sighed and kept staring into the room full of people, hoping desperately to catch a glimpse of red hair. _That_ was the last thing on his mind, honestly. He didn’t come here to make a fool of himself in front of a crowd, but if that was what she wanted, then so be it.

Nevertheless, it didn’t matter all that much how many eaters were there to serve. The process was the same, only with more ingredients.

"Not a problem."

Haruka exhaled and nodded to the old woman that once again found her way into the corridor. She was standing ten or so meters away, smiling nicely, and Haruka had to wonder if she was trained to disappear and reappear on demand.

The kitchen was enormous, vast in size and exclusive in equipment. But it was to be expected - in a mansion like that. What wasn’t though was a group of men and women, standing alertly in a row. They were waiting for something, and when Haruka entered following the old woman, he suddenly knew what for.

They straightened, at first looking expectantly his way. It wasn’t hard to notice the disappointment - or amusement in some cases - in their eyes once they realized he was nobody - a young someone of uninteresting appearance to add.

_ And I am supposed to give them orders. _

_ Perfect. _

The old woman introduced him as their chef for tonight, and she wasn’t humble with compliments. Somewhere between ’fantastically talented’ and ’sensitive hands’ Haruka turned his attention away, eyes searching for a door leading into the lounge.

The room where Rin was.

_ My Rin. _

It wasn’t that bad, after all. All of them obeyed without a single word, and although barely keeping his ribcage together, since his heart was doing somersaults anytime the door opened, with a jolt of excitement Haruka realized it was actually working. However unexpected it was.

Maybe this thing wasn’t going to be such a disaster after all.

While an hour later the work was running smoothly, it was the fact that Rin hadn’t showed up once that terrified Haruka. Because maybe it was stupid to count on it, but he somehow hoped that liquor would loosen up Rin’s self-control. That he would come to him, seeking what he needed just as much as Haruka did.

Another fifteen minutes and still nothing. With a sigh, he turned away from the fridge, and pushed a slick, fishy body into the hands of the closest standing assistant.

"Can you handle it for a moment?" Man raised his eyebrows, obviously reluctant to take over the whole kitchen by himself. "For a minute. Please."

Long tables had appeared on the sides of the room, or maybe he only hadn’t noticed them before. People were feasting on the tons of meals flooding from the kitchen, and as Haruka pushed through the crowd many were patting his shoulder. With a confused stare he kept nodding back, wondering how they knew he was responsible for it.

Only when a big hand reached out and pulled at his clothes, Haruka realized he was still wearing an apron over his white shirt. With sleeves rolled up to his elbows, it wasn’t difficult to figure out who he was, and what he was doing.

"Need help?" Yamazaki asked in deep baritone and a small, shy smile appeared on his face.

Haruka looked around the room for the fiftieth time, still unable to locate the familiar red stain.

"He’s not here," the man said in a considerably murkier voice after a short silence, looking down to the platter of Ika Itozukuri in his hands. "They went to meet Anna’s old man. Seemed to show up unexpectedly, you should’ve seen her face when she was told he was here." Yamazaki laughed darkly and added, when Haruka wasn’t reacting at all. "Should be somewhere close though, I heard your mom’s laughter when I went to take a piss."

At that he turned on his heel, leaving Haruka standing alone in the middle of the room. Distantly he noticed Makoto and Jane waving and making their way towards him, but he couldn’t lose another precious minute.

The corridors were long and empty; making him feel as if he was walking carpets of an eerie hotel rather than a regular house where people lived. One could’ve gotten lost in the numerous rooms, behind the marble statues, or heavy draperies hanging over the tall windows.

And just like Yamazaki said, the sound of his own mother’s voice reached his ears, leading him safely to the door that was left ajar. With blood crazily circuiting his body Haruka listened, knowing all too well he couldn’t walk right in; if for nothing else then because he was definitely not wanted in the conversation.

He admitted he was consciously eavesdropping, but it didn’t matter how disgustingly unethical it was, as long as he could find out at least something more about Rin’s secret.

Not that he expected them to say anything when his own mother was with them - still, it was worth a try.

With shaky fingers, Haruka pushed gently against the door, opening the sight to the small parlor. Adorned with a sizeable dark brown couch, two armchairs and a vintage coffee table, it looked cozy and warm. A fire-place with molded bricks threw yellow light on the white carpet, walls of unidentified dark colour and Rin’s pale face. He was sitting next to Anna on the couch, gaze stuck on the ground, while the rest of the little group was chatting.

_ Rin _ .

Haruka swallowed, trying to force himself to listen when Rin’s surname exploded in the room.

_ What the hell are you doing in a place like this? _

"...happy to come back earlier and see my dear daughter one more time. No matter how much time we spend together, it’s never enough," The old man said - apparently Anna’s father as being the only man in the room apart from Rin - and Haruka couldn’t but notice that his cold voice hardly matched the nice words. Anna’s lips were smiling, but even from the distance her body language betrayed her.

She was not comfortable with the situation, and Haruka wondered why.

"Isn’t that so, Annabelle?"

"Yes, dad."

"And you, young man, we’ve had even less time to get to know each other. Which is deeply regrettable, since I’ve never seen my little girl be so invested in someone or _something_ before." Anna’s weak _’dad’_ got lost within the man’s speech. "You must be a really exceptional person to hold my daughter’s interest for more than two weeks."

The old man laughed, obviously the only one amused in the whole room. Anna’s body shrunk, falling deeper into the cushions of the couch.

"Can we talk about something else, dad? Didn’t the storm catch you on the way back?"

"Why would we, Annabelle?" The man completely ignored her question. "I strongly believe it is not a secret to the boy that you hold him dear. It’s a true miracle that you’ve finally found something worth your heart. I paid for more schools than I can possibly count on the fingers of both my hands. What is it you are studying there in Sydney? Care to remind me?"

A long while of silence stretched over the room, only the wood cracking in the fireplace disrupted its spookiness.

"Creative writing," Anna muttered at length and looked to the side.

"Oh, certainly. Excuse me that I’d forgotten. It’s hard to keep track of all those interests. So," He said, turning his attention away from Anna, right onto Rin’s face. It might have been the light, but it looked like it was even paler than before. “Maybe the time has come to stop chasing the ghost and finally settle down.”

_ Se-settle down?  _

Kawasaki sipped from the glass in his hand, studying Rin’s expression thoroughly.

"Tell me more about yourself, young man. I’ve heard you intend to follow in my brother’s footsteps."

It took Haruka a moment before the memory of Nagisa’s words re-emerged: something about Anna’s uncle being the big fish in Sydney’s police.

"I admit I have no idea what it looks like at New South Wales police, but my brother is a respectable man. Therefore I have no doubts he would do his first and last to keep his department in good shape. Where have you studied, Matsuoka-san?" Old Kawasaki fired out an unexpected question, taking Rin aback.

"Sy-Sydney university."

"And before?"

"Samezuka academy."

Kawasaki let himself down into the armchair opposite of Haruka’s surprisingly mute mother. No doubt she felt as uncomfortable as the rest of them for being privy to the examination.

"Is that a school? I’ve never heard of it."

"Yes, sir. It’s a swimming powerhouse."

"Oh swimming, yes. Of course, I remember now my daughter mentioned once something about you being a retired swimmer." Kawasaki nodded. "She also said you were not any good, so I guess it is not a shame after all."

Haruka’s mouth fell open, and he had to lean against the wall in order to keep his body in a vertical position.

" _Dad_. Please," Anna pleaded, face hiding behind her palms. "I didn’t say anything like that."

Was that even possible? A silence stretched between the four again, and Haruka’s hands curled into fists.

_ Why the hell are you not protesting, Rin? _ _ _

"I guess that would be accurate, sir," Rin said in low voice and looked to the fire.

_ Wh-what? _

The mad all-consuming fire lit up in Haruka’s insides, and had there not been a wall keeping him stable, the gravitation would’ve certainly pulled him right into the parlor.

"Oh well, it is good thing that you decided for a change of career then. It certainly doesn’t suit a man to do something he’s mediocre at for a living."

And just like that Haruka lost it. The words of the old man blurred his vision, bringing back memories of Anna’s impossible reasoning from yesterday.

_ Mediocre? _

_ Second-rate? _

_ Someone really said that about my Rin? _

Not knowing where his legs adjoined his body, Haruka moved, and when a thickest haze dissipated all of a sudden he found himself within the parlor. A strangely warm feeling leaned against his cheeks - maybe a soft touch of a fireplace, but more likely Rin’s blazing light.

Three pairs of surprised eyes turned to him, only the red ones were lost somewhere in the darkness.

_ Look at me, Rin. _

"What do you need, young man?" Kawasaki asked, voice annoyed.

"He’s _not_ mediocre." Haruka barked through gritted teeth, not moving his gaze away from Rin’s face. And finally his eyes snapped in his direction and widened in surprise.

The despair in them was breaking Haruka’s heart.

_ You are not, Rin. _

"He’s the best swimmer I’ve ever met."

A tentative flicker of hope passed momentarily around the curves of Rin’s lips and eyes, only to be lost again soon after.

"Oh, really?" The old man asked after a moment of awkward silence. "And who are you, if I may ask."

A sound of clearing throat came from Haruka’s mother’s side, and although being silent it felt as if someone fired a bullet within the room.

"It’s my son, Kawasaki-san. I’m terribly sorry for this inconvenience." She said, turning Haruka’s way and sending him an ugly look.

"Did he come with you, Misaki?"

"Uhm…he’s running the kitchen tonight."

“Is it so?” Staring at Haruka the old man’s face didn’t show any emotion. “And here I thought you had ordered Mandarin Oriental for catering per usual, Annabelle. Didn’t you ask Ayako to call them?”

Kawasaki sipped from his glass nonchalantly again, and Haruka almost laughed out loud when his grey eyes flickered for a second to Anna’s side. While the man couldn’t possibly understand - not as Haruka did - that the catering service was supposed to fill in after his failure, he probably knew his daughter well enough to smell something fishy behind tonight’s party.

"Well then you should probably return to the kitchen."

Rin was lost again within his own world when Haruka looked at him, needing to feel his attention one more time. Only Anna’s eyes were still on him, although when her father chuckled amusedly and his finger moved between the two, even her face turned away.

“The resemblance is indeed uncanny.”

Haruka left, without a reaction, not needing to hear any of this.

It was not even eight o’clock, and he’d already had his share of melodrama. There was only so much one could do during one evening to make a complete fool of himself.

But as he was walking back to the kitchen - the place they so generously assigned to him - he knew that if there was the slightest chance to bring Rin closer to him, it wasn’t worthless. He would happily do it all over again.

It took precisely seventeen minutes and twenty-four seconds for it to happen; Haruka knew it exactly, because standing in the middle of the kitchen while the rest of the crew walked around him like in a slurred fast-forward movie, his eyes never left the big clock hanging on the wall.

Red stain moved through his vision in a blur, and while strong fingers pulled on his wrist and dragged him through the dark parts of the mansion, Haruka’s lungs weren’t cooperating at all.

And within the dull, milky light of a moon falling through the tall window he was wrapped up in the calming warmth, finally safe. Protected, at last. He knew it was needy and weak to bury his everything into that body, but he couldn’t care less.

He craved this for too long to deny himself anything.

His arms curled around the slim waist and squeezed. Not knowing if it was possible to choke up on happiness, to die of getting everything he’d dreamed about, Haruka was willing to take that risk. He was drowning in the smell of this flawless body, in the scent that made electric impulses between the neuron cells of his brain go haywire, and he had no intention of pulling through.

The arms around him tightened impossibly, pushing the rest of the air out of his chest, and the jolt of excitement made his heart skip a beat when Rin’s lips found their way to his jaw.

_ Yes. _

Haruka tipped his head to the side to grant them better access, but instead of sharp teeth on his skin there was only hot breath of a heavy, shaky sigh. The most beautiful face in the world hesitated for a moment, but at last it nuzzled into the crook of his neck. Funnily cold tip of a nose followed the line of his hair up behind his ear and buried itself there, inhaling deeply.

A small smile spilled where Haruka’s lips used to be when it made the hair on his body stand on end.

_ Finally _ .

Choking on his own whimpers, he barely noticed the slim finger curling underneath his collar. Pulling down an inch, it revealed more of his naked skin to the cold air of the unheated room, but soon enough burning lips finally rested on that over-sensitive place. A soft moan that could have been just as well his own made his knees shake.

And he would’ve given this man anything he wanted right then and there on the dark wooden floor, in the house of the girl that ached for him just as much as Haruka did. He didn’t know much about these things, but he was sure he would gladly withstand the pain that would supposedly accompany it as its necessary part. Broken free from the nightmare, he was willing to let Rin take the lead – giving up control in his arms didn’t appear a bit frightening.

He would’ve proudly worn red marks and wooden splinters in his skin come tomorrow morning.

He would, without shame.

Because he was small and he was powerless in the face of this resonating light, captivating him like a lamp did to a worthless fly.

_ Come fall with me, Rin. _

But when his knees buckled, Rin’s strong arms caught his weight, not giving Haruka’s needs a chance.

"Haru. I..."

He turned his face upwards, searching for the lips. But as they touched the soft skin, Rin’s face pulled away slightly, whispering into his cheek.

"I came to say good-bye."

Haruka stilled and seconds of silence marked how long his heart wasn’t beating.

“You what?”

"This-this is the last time we will see each other." He wanted to pull away, to see into Rin’s face, but the hands didn’t let him. Fingers entangled into his hair, making it impossible to move while Rin whispered into his ear. "But I will never forget this, I promise. Ever."

"Rin." A raising panic crept into Haruka’s voice.

"No," Rin said as he was trying to break free again. " _Don’t_. Let’s just stay like this for a while."

_ Please _ .

And he obeyed, just like he always did. It didn’t matter that the warmth his idiotic body was reveling into was nothing more than a lie, disappearing for good once he’d let it go. Because he had already become addicted to the feeling of being held, to the excitement of being wanted by someone. By his Rin.

_ Please. _

"Why?" Haruka pushed out hoarsely. "Why don’t you just tell me already. What it is with you. So I can help."

_ Please. _

Rin gave his head a small shake. "You’ve seen me swim. What more is there to say?"

_ Don’t leave me alone again. _

Haruka swallowed thickly through the gathering tears.

"That’s nothing. It’s just a phase. It’ll get better."

"No, it won’t, Haru," Rin muttered into the goosebumps on his skin, arms finally releasing him from a vice grip, only to be replaced by needy palms traveling up and down Haruka’s back and neck, messing up his hair again and again. "I’m a lost cause. A nobody. I know I have to live with it somehow. But you have no idea - no idea at all, Haru. You deserve so much more than what I am. You-"

"Shut up."

_ Stop already. _

"I just...she’s fine."

_ I don’t... _

_ Don’t want to hear any of this. _

"She’s not...she’ll never be...but it’s as close as it gets. The life there is all I can have. It’s not what I’ve ever thought I’d be living...but it _has_ to be enough."

"So what?" Haruka asked, voice breaking. "You’re doing me a favor?"

A cone of light cut the darkness as a car pulled over the gravel path in front of the house. It danced around the room and stained the walls, pictures, and cupboards with its colorless touch. Haruka’s eyes were wide as he stared over Rin’s quivering shoulder.

"Something like that."

The two of them still stood there unmoving when the light disappeared again - except for Rin’s hands roaming over Haruka’s arms and shoulders everywhere they could possibly reach, as if trying to memorize every bone, every muscle, every tendon. Leaving marks of ownership that he knew with certainty he wouldn’t be able to wipe off for as long as he’d be alive.

_ Don’t touch me when you’re not going to make me yours. _

"What a pile of bullshit," Haruka said thickly, shaking his head. "I don’t have any word in this? I don’t have any right to decide?"

_ Because with every touch. _

"You don’t understand."

_ You’re ruining me for everyone else. _

"No, I don’t."

Once upon a time Haruka thought he wished nothing else than to be left alone. He was sure he wanted nothing more than to rest hidden within the walls of an old Iwatobi house. But when Rin’s palm rested on his lower back and pulled closer to make him realize how much of an impact Haruka’s presence had to his body, he knew those wishes had never been real.

Since the moment the two of them met, through the seemingly random moments connected like rings on the chain of time, they were heading towards this very moment. Doomed to break each other, and then never be able to forget.

"You’re gonna find yourself someone else. Someone much, _much_   better. And he’ll give you everything. Because you’re perfect, Nanase Haruka." Rin accentuated his name, as if tracing his tongue along the shapes of the letters. "You are way too perfect for me. I don’t deserve you. Just...please let it be someone I don’t know. I wouldn’t...I’d go crazy knowing it’s you and Sousuke. I’d imagine it every single time I close my eyes."

_ You. _

_ You said you needed me. _

Haruka pushed against his body, a desperate need to be free from this hell overcoming everything else. But just like before, Rin wouldn’t let him go. Arms curled tightly around his shoulders, long fingers dug into the meat to hold him in place.

_ You’ve managed to fool me again. _

"Just a little longer, please," Rin whispered shakily.

"N-no," Haruka spat, fighting him just like that one time in the elevator. "Let go."

_ To finally break me. _

"One more minute," Rin pleaded frantically through Haruka’s desperate pants and cries.

_ You won. _

All of a sudden he was free; Rin’s fists fell to his sides like the hands of the old antique clock hanging on the wall behind him. And there was only so much his body could take in through his senses. Like the laughter of the people crossing under the window, all of them oblivious to his corrupted lungs. A greasy stain on the glass pane, probably from a forehead leaned against it.

The smell of Rin’s breath on his own skin.

_ Congratulations. _

"Why did you come here?" Haruka’s voice was barely a whisper. "To Tokyo?"

_ Why didn’t you stay there, living that petty miserable life of yours that you’ve replaced me with? _

The short laughter that shook through the room was heavy, leaving a bitter aftertaste.

"No reason for keeping up the lie, huh?" Rin’s face turned to him again, wearing a desperate smile. "I guess…uh, I guess I knew from the start what Nagisa would do. Wanted him to, even. Although I didn’t admit it to myself until you kissed me at that bar."

The long exhale didn’t have an inch of warmth in it when Rin pushed his hands into the pockets of his slacks, as if trying to keep them from reaching out to Haruka again.

"And being high when he called that night sure as hell didn’t help either," Rin chuckled through the tears. "I guess I’m too weak when it comes to you. But you know that already."

_ We would’ve been so good together, Rin. _

"Get out," Haruka whispered into the darkness, unable to keep his face straight anymore.

_ But you’re just too afraid. _

When the soft padding of soles on the floor roused a long silence, Haruka knew the man was going to say something more. And as the feet halted after a screeching sound announced the door to their future had opened, he knew he was right.

Rin sighed, a sad little smile brightened up his voice once he opened his mouth for the last time.

"Your hair smells nice."

And then he was gone, for good.

_ That silence. _

_ Those voices. _

_ It’s never going to go away, is it? _

Haruka staggered to the door, disoriented and lost within the coldness of the enormous house; following the man that would indeed never be his. That much was certain. But his heart couldn’t let go - tied to Rin’s own by a string he could never cut on his own. Stumbling into the corridor he had to lean against the wall to catch his breath.

The lounge appeared unchanged on the outside as he made his way towards its entrance, but he knew better.

Nothing would ever be the same after tonight.

And as his eyes caught the glimpse of Rin’s gloomy face again right in the middle of a crowd, he knew that it was really the end. Old Kawasaki’s hand rested on Rin’s shoulder and tapped on it, and Haruka watched through the water in his eyes as Anna’s frame fell into that precious place under his arm.

_ No. _

_ You don’t love me. _

And it was strange. Because a few days ago he was fine with the idea of Rin living, Rin breathing somewhere in this world. It felt enough to know he was just _there_ , even though the chance to be loved back equaled to zero. Yet standing here, it was different. Now, when Haruka knew how amazing basking in that warmth could be, how sweet the inside of Rin’s mouth tasted – it was impossible to withstand it.

It was not okay.

And it would never be okay again.

_ You’d never do this to me, if you did. _

And maybe that was why it wasn’t just ordinarily hurting inside like it should have.

Haruka realized, too late as usually, that there was a place deep down in him, a locked-up room, which should never have been seen by any person. No one should have had the privilege to get _that_ far.

It was way too fragile to handle what was in there: the scars of almost healed wounds that took years to close up.

And it was only Haruka’s and no one else’s mistake to let anybody inside, to make a parade of his weaknesses. To let Rin rip all those scabs off of the cuts, and now their seams were falling apart again, as if they were freshly made.

_ No one loves me. _

The sound of porcelain crashing against the marble floor fought its way through the pulsing in his head, and he watched in utter confusion as what was once a vase turned into a magnificent constellation of thousand little pieces lying at his feet. Horribly white lilies among them engorged the scene he was sure he was going to remember forever.

Haruka stumbled through the crowd, ignoring concerned questions.

He had to get to the kitchen; he had to find a fresh cloth. With that goal set in his mind he got to the door, falling through it. Dozens of faces turned his way, examining, waiting for what was about to happen.

"Haru!" Makoto’s terrified voice felt amiss inside of his head.

Grabbing onto a piece of fabric, Haruka pushed it into the sink, pouring water over it. And then he rubbed the skin of his neck roughly, again and again, never stopping, trying his best to remove the stains of Rin’s touches, emblazoned there like a tattoo.

When thin arms curled around him he finally gave up, falling onto the tiled floor. A gentle girl’s voice repeated his name, and he realized it was Jane’s fair hair that got into his mouth.

“Christ, get him some water,” She ordered someone in the room, and soon there was the cold touch of a liquid on his lips. He pushed against the glass, wanting nothing more than to curl into the ball and stay there, all alone. Makoto’s voice mumbled something, but it was too far from Haruka’s closing-up world to understand.

“I’m so sorry, Haru. He’s…god, I can’t even…” Jane squeezed around his neck again, ignoring the fact he wasn’t returning the sentiment in the least. “But they never touched, as long as I-”

A loud sob that bubbled up from Haruka’s throat didn’t let her finish the sentence though.

_ I don’t want to hear anything. _

“Okay, let him be.” A deep baritone cut the nonsense resolutely, and someone must have pulled the girl away, because suddenly there was only coldness where a second ago her arms were. And although nothing could ever feel like Rin’s warmth, it was still better than nothing. Haruka’s body jolted when the commanding voice resonated loudly too close to him. “And you, _what_ are you staring at? Get out, imbeciles!”

A staccato of steps filled his ears, and when he managed to open his eyes a bit, the whole crew was filing out of the kitchen in a rush; only curious glances were thrown back over their shoulders.

“Hold onto me.”

Yamazaki’s silent order echoed through the empty corridors of his brain, and it might have been the firmness of the voice mingled with the man’s confidence that made his limbs move slowly.

Or just the loneliness.

And he still didn’t like him any more than before; didn’t trust the man at all. But he was here while Rin was not, and he was alive while Haruka was dead.

All of a sudden he was hidden within the bear hug, and for the first time in years Haruka cried.

Mouth open and eyes firmly shut, he was crying out all the misfortunes, all the unfairness; all the nights he longed for Rin, all the days spent daydreaming.

All the electric smiles thrown randomly his way, all the twinkling in red eyes. All the plans, all of the things he wanted from the future and was never going to get.

All of Rin.

Somewhere between the sobs he distantly noticed Jane’s and Makoto’s fighting voices, interlaced by Nagisa’s and Rei’s distressed ones, and _’I’ve had enough’_ or something like that was yelled by a surprisingly loud girl. He didn’t give a damn about them.

About happy people living happy lives.

And when it stopped at last, he was being swayed from side to side, shushed like a little baby, and a big hand caressed his hair. Slowly, like in a slow motion, Haruka freed himself and leaned his hurting body against the counter.

“Better?”

Cold fabric pushed against his cheeks when he shook his head slightly, tired and sleepy like never before.

“Wanna get out?” Yamazaki said quietly, waiting patiently for an answer. “I’ve got a car outside.”

_ Just let me lie here. _

He shook his head again, not wanting to move an inch. A heavy resigned sigh came from his left, and he didn’t even have to open the eyes to know the man was raking fingers through his hair.

“Look, I know it’s gonna sound weird…but…you’re not the first, nor are you the last who’s been kicked to the curb. Shit like that happens every day.”

Haruka ignored him, basking in self-pity.

“So what? Are you gonna give up now? Gonna show him he won? …Come on, you’re not a weakling, are you?”

_ So what, so what if I want to be weak? _

But something inside of Haruka clicked after the words seeped deeper into his tissues, and he finally opened his eyes – although keeping them glued to the tile floor. No, he was _not_ a weakling, that much was true. He was, for the time being, cut open like a fish on the market; but he was not the one to give in.

So he shook his head for the third time, and Yamazaki patted his shoulder encouragingly while rising to his feet.

“Like I thought. So come on, let’s get going. And you know what? You’re gonna walk out of here like the man you are, dolphin.”

He obeyed – it was easier and needed less energy than fighting. And what else, it was the only thing Rin didn’t want him to do. So what if he needed some revenge – even though it was of the stupidest kind. So what if he wanted to stoop so low, to act recklessly for once?

Why did it always have to be him who acted rationally?

Add to that staying here would mean the possibility of meeting _him_ again, which was hardly something he’d be able to survive. The strong hand was helping him back to his feet when Makoto stepped in, placing a palm on Haruka’s shoulder.

“Where are you taking him?”

“Home.”

Makoto nodded. “Thank you, Sousuke. I’ll come as soon as possible, Haru. I’ll just wait for Jane and make sure she’s alright, okay?”

 

The door seemed to be too heavy, the floor too askew. The gravel path too blurred, the night sky too clouded. Haruka followed the man’s back as if it was a lighthouse shining in the cloudy night. 

“Hold on, we’re almost there,” Yamazaki said, looking over his shoulder, and fishing out keys from his pocket. He motioned to the row of polished cars, parked at the side of a house, and Haruka wondered dully what kind of money the man owned that he could afford a car like that. Only when Yamazaki reached for the handle of an old Honda – the oldest and most certainly ugliest of the vehicles there - it was suddenly much clearer. 

He winked at Haruka, and smiled a sad smile. “Get in, dolph - _dammit_. What the _fuck_ are you doing here, Rin?” His hand shot up in a gesture of utter annoyance.

A deadly grip on Haruka’s arm made him almost lose balance and turned him to face a desperate pair of red orbs. He didn’t put up a fight, what would it be good for? He only placed a hand on Rin’s wrist and the clenched fingers eased one after another.

“I asked you for something, didn’t I?” Rin’s body was shaking violently, as if he caught a fever. “Don’t go anywhere with him.”

Teeth clattering and hair ruffled, he looked like a rabid dog. And when Rin’s name was shot by a red-cheeked and very furious Jane running their way, Haruka stepped closer and stood face to face with the man he’d spent such a long time yearning after.

_ I love you like crazy. _

“You know what?”

_ But I swear, as sure as I’m standing here, that you’re never going to hear it leave my mouth. _

“You can go fuck yourself, Rin.”

He watched with sick pleasure how red eyes widened in a shock, for Rin had never heard Haruka swear before; nor would he ever again.

Strangely, the inside of the car felt better than the open space of the garden; maybe because standing on the gravel path felt like not being attached to the Earth’s surface at all. For the first time in his life Haruka didn’t feel the need to be free. On the contrary, he wished someone would cage him up and place his name on him, just like people did to the water in those plastic bottles on the konbini’s shelf.

And when Yamazaki’s fingers pushed keys into the ignition and the car finally moved, it was not Rin’s hands – now curled into fists that hit repeatedly against the hood – that he craved anymore. It was not Rin’s anything.

The string between them had been cut clean.

Haruka’s eyes fell onto the car’s radio.

“Can you turn it on?”

*** 

The glass wall of a small fast-food diner was covered by raindrops. It wasn’t raining heavily, for once; only a drop here and there fell onto the faces of people outside. It made them look up to the cloudy night sky and quicken their pace so they’d get home before the storm went rampant.

The TV on the wall ran on mute, showing a stupid antiperspirant advertisement. He debated whether to stand up and ask the man behind the counter to turn the sound on, but then gave up on the idea. Yamazaki’s deep rambling made just as good background noises as anything else.

Most of the time Haruka kept his eyes fixed on the street outside. Now and then they ran around the diner to make sure he was not alone; that Yamazaki was still there, telling jokes and old stories that were supposed to be funny.

And it was surprising, really.

Because sitting here, without touching the water standing on the table in front of him, Haruka didn’t feel anything.

Anything at all.

He wondered idly, if the brain had the very same protection mechanism for the soul as it had for the body. It had to have been back in high school when someone had been talking about it – how the mind turned off the pain signals coming from the injury into the brain.

“…uhm, you know what this righteous asshole told me once? I came to meet him right after practice, I was like fucking _running_ so I wouldn’t be late, and he wrinkled his nose like this,” Yamazaki crunched his face in disgust, but way too comically, and Haruka indeed felt something warm stir deep down. “I told him it’s just chlorine, and he should get used to it around me. But he looked at me like I was the biggest dumbass in the world and said it’s not chlorine, but chloramines making the smell and that they form in a pool water when chlorine combines with contaminants brought into the pool by people - like urine, and sweat and cosmetics.”

Haruka observed the way the man bit off the enormous part of a hamburger and chewed on it. At least he swallowed and wiped his mouth off before carrying on.

“Would you believe it? He was telling me right to my face I smelled of piss, conceited motherfucker.”

A barking dog ran past the window. An odd odor coming from the bathroom filled his nose. At least his senses were still working, Haruka thought. When something touched the back of his hand, he jumped in shock.

“You sure you don’t wanna go home?” Yamazaki asked, pulling his palm away hastily.

“No,” Haruka answered too quickly.

His stare returned to the window. It was indeed raining again. He almost wished the memory of a soaked-up Rin behind a similar window pane would make him feel anything. He let out a long exhale and muttered flatly.

“You’re actually not as stupid as I thought you were.”

And Haruka anticipated anything else as a reaction – maybe being pissed off, or at least offended – but the eruption of man’s laughter brought his attention back to him. Yamazaki was still chuckling when he held out a hand.

“Sorry, hah. But _damn_ , you know how to speak your mind, I tell you.”

“What?”

“Nothing.” A smile still lingered on his lips as he shook his head. “It’s just refreshing, that’s all.”

“What is?” Haruka asked, frowning, but the man just laughed again shortly and dug into his meal again.

He had to admit it felt good though, hearing someone’s laughter. As if the whole thing wasn’t actually as tragic as it appeared to him when he had been entering this diner an hour ago. Only when Yamazaki’s phone vibrated again, like for the hundredth time since they left, Haruka knew it was exactly so.

“Can’t you turn it off, too?”

Blue eyes flickered his way from the lit-up display, and he nodded simply.

“You sure?” A sigh. “He’s going crazy.”

_ I don’t care what he’s doing. _

But Yamazaki seemed to understand when Haruka’s eyes were glued to the cars parked on the red outside.

_ I don’t care what he’s thinking. _

“It’ll get better, you know.”

_ Will it? _

He hoped, desperately clutched onto the idea that it indeed was going to be alright one day. That he’d wake up one morning and there would be no Rin on his mind. That it would get passable somehow.

“I still can’t believe it,” Haruka said, shocked by the fact it was really him making sounds in a human language.

“I know.” Their eyes met for a while. “But you know what they say – that those who hurt the most are the ones most hurting.”

A picture of his mother crossed Haruka’s mind. It was almost laughable that now he was finally able to understand what she meant when she talked about his father. How it felt when someone took your everything; everything you could love with.

Left you terrifyingly hollow, and you almost wished to feel the pain again – so you’d know you’re still not dead yet.

“Uhm…I know I’m not the best guy to be around most of the time, but…If you’d like…you-you can call me anytime. To talk, or just to kill the time. You’ve got my number, so…”

Haruka nodded. “Thanks.”

And there was something shy in the man’s eyes when he looked up and met Haruka’s eyes again. “So I was thinking, uh…if you still don’t wanna go home,” he said, waiting for Haruka to shake his head resolutely. “You could crash on my couch. I live with three guys, but two of them are out of town, and Kanji is too wasted most of the time to know his own name. If…you want, of course.”

And Haruka really couldn’t imagine go back to his place, facing his mother again. Not to say to sleep in Makoto’s room – he didn’t want to be a prick, but seeing his happy best friend wasn’t exactly what he craved at the moment.

When he curled his fingers around the now tepid glass of water and contemplated the man’s nervous stare on him, Haruka wasn’t exactly sure what Yamazaki’s offer really meant. If it was supposed to be really just a helping hand to a _’friend’_ , or something completely different.

He opened his mouth to refuse, but closed it right after.

Because as the memory resurfaced of how underneath the ground in a sweaty dancing dungeon, warm big hands had been able to make him feel something unexpected, Haruka hesitated.

And looking up the thought crossed his blank, desensitized mind that maybe, _maybe,_   this was exactly what he needed to bring back the feelings.

He wasn’t bound to Rin in any way, after all; he didn’t owe him anything.

What was he supposed to wait for then?

So after a moment or two he looked to the side and shrugged.

“Yeah. Why not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well…
> 
> I know exactly what you all think of me now, and for the very first time I actually appreciate this site being anonymous, haha. I’m sure one of you would eventually find me and smash my head with baseball bat in a sleep. ;)
> 
> BUT, I can guarantee one thing, which is that this chapter was the saddest, lowest point of the story. At least for Haru. It’s going to get only better, even though you probably wonder how the hell it would happen. 
> 
> I promise I CAN write happy times, it’s actually much easier and definitely more fun than writing this stuff. I’m sure you’re gonna like it once we’ll get there. (If I haven’t lost you after this chapter though).
> 
> See you soon, guys!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> First of all, please accept my deepest apologies for making you wait so long for this update, but I was terribly busy. Let’s hope you’re going to forgive me after reading end notes. :) 
> 
> Before you start reading I want to thank all of you who found time to leave a comment on my story, or just hit kudos or hits, it really means a lot to me! You’re amazing, and I love you all!!
> 
> Of course, the biggest THANK YOU goes to marbled_maven for all the hard work with editing!!
> 
> Enjoy!

Night.

The period of time between sunset and sunrise, when the Sun is hidden below the horizon. Or that’s what they say it is, at least.

But what do they know, really?

Because there are also many who know it’s not that simple at all. That the scarce definition applies only to those who don’t have anything to regret; anything to punish themselves for.

Anything to be afraid of.

But if you do, if there were times in your life you’d do anything to forget, then you can bet your sanity that those endless hours spent in impenetrable darkness would call them back. That they will be plastered up on the wall of your bedroom like a video stuck on repeat, exclusively for your private pleasure. 

Making you _sick_.   

Of all the things you should have done, only you didn’t; of all those you shouldn’t have, but you did anyway. Of everything you wanted, everything you were once dying for. Everything that was supposed to forever stay out of your reach, always reserved for someone else.

Of _yourself_.

Lying in the dark while a strong body moved fervently against his own, drawing yet another moan out of his gaping mouth, Haruka thought of only one thing: the Super-Frog.

Back when he had been only a small boy, his grandma used to take good care of their little collection of books. The bookcase had been periodically swiped by her old duster, spines of books always impeccably straightened into a perfect line. But it hadn’t been those books Haruka was interested in, no. Because there had also been grandma’s nightstand where there rested much more interesting books than _The Pillow Book_.

Like Murakami’s stories, dark and mysterious, incomprehensible for a small innocent child. Staring over the sweaty shoulder, Haruka thought he would hardly understand them even now, if he was given the chance to read that book again. Only a picture here, a feeling there, that’s all that stayed in his memory after all those years since he’d seen it last.

Except for the Super-Frog.  

The story of the creature who wanted to save Tokyo from the huge Worm living in its underground foundations, so it wouldn’t destroy the city by earth-shattering earthquake, was indeed unforgettable. The picture of it dying in the small hospital room after the vicious fight, consumed by wriggling, maggot-like worms and centipede-like creatures was stuck to his memory forever.

The story itself probably wasn’t as scary as he had thought then. But it used to make him fear insects, the dark. The death they brought.

And it was during nights like this when Haruka’s chest was filled to the brim with guilt and mind-blowing pain, when this story re-emerged, making a glorious come-back from the deepest trenches of his being. He closed his eyes, digging his fingers into the muscles of strong arms, and prayed for the pleasure of his body to overcome the rest of the sickening feelings.

At least for a short moment; at least for a tiny bit.

Hands roamed over his thighs hungrily and pushed them even more apart. A jolt of electricity ran up his spine when the long body, thrusting repeatedly against his own sensitive skin, picked up the already wild pace. He was close, so close to that point of no return that he felt his body preparing, tensing, readying itself for reaching the finish line. His head fell back into the softness of the pillow, part of him wishing this would never stop.

But at the same time Haruka wanted, he _needed_ for this to be over soon. Or even better right now, because at any moment the worms and centipedes might start crawling out through the holes burnt in the old hotel carpet by long forgotten cigarettes’ butts. They would cover the room’s light and fill the smoke alarm – just like they did in old Murakami’s story.

Yet when long fingers painfully entangled in his hair, and Rin’s body shuddered as he came with a guttural moan on his lips right next to Haruka’s ear, he suddenly knew it wasn’t the smartest wish he’d ever had. Because instead of a gentle smile above him there was only the waterfall of cold, sharp-like-a-knife teardrops, falling on his own face.

The cheap sheets of the Australian bed underneath his own sweaty back were suddenly soaked up, stealing the warmth emanating from Rin’s naked body. Water lifted them both, higher and higher, until the bed disappeared without a trace, leaving him disoriented and lost in time and space. The cooling water touch embraced the two of them; disentangled their limbs, filled the space between them.

Separated them.

Long red hair floated around the surprised pale face, and in the soft remnants of a light that had no determinable source, Rin looked like one of those Hindu gods Haruka once saw in the school’s history book. He wanted to reach out, to catch the man before he flew away, but his hands refused to move.

Schools of white fish danced in the depths, oblivious to their tragedy.

Stuck with his own protesting heart, Haruka watched how the darkness behind the pale naked body grew and grew, until it outgrew everything else around. And then, consumed it like a gigantic sea beast.

And his voiceless scream of despair got lost within the blackness of the ocean, down there, where the remnants of Rin lay unreachable.

 

Haruka’s eyes snapped open in the darkness of an unfamiliar room. He blinked, unable to move, while water droplets ran down both his cheeks. One, two, three – the rivers of needles falling on the meat of his heart rather than the soaked-up pillow. Slowly, as if the anesthesia of his body was only gradually dissipating, he managed to lift it into a sitting position.

Everything hurt, from the top of his head to the toes on his feet. 

_Just a dream._

_It was just a dream._

Sweat-drenched undershirt cooled his burning skin as he hid his face into the shelter of clammy palms. It was nothing but a nightmare, but the feelings still lingered, anyway; they didn’t want to let go. Cold and sour, they crept underneath his skull, intense in the way only a dream could make them.

_He’s not dead._

And they grew a tiny bit every time the picture of Rin’s sad face materialized in front of his eyes, sucking the rest of the air out of his chest. He tried to breathe in, but the lungs didn’t move at all; the brain’s orders stuck half-way to the tissues. 

_He’s just gone._

Haruka pulled the damp fabric over his head and tossed it over the couch’s arm. Well. Was this what he wanted to get back yesterday? The pain so strong it blinded? It was beyond him how he could have thought that this was any better than being dead. Because no matter how hard he tried this unyielding night, his heart couldn’t see any difference between Rin falling into the dark waters of his dreams and Rin sitting on that damned plane.

And it didn’t mean a thing whether the man spent long hours of the flight remembering their shared heat like he promised.

It didn’t mean anything at all.

_Gone_.

Maybe everything would be an inch easier, if Haruka’s body was willing to compromise. Because it was still shaking, still painfully hard, unable to understand that there was no Rin to soothe the aching pressure. That he had never been there to make it feel this way in the first place.

Haruka lowered his head between his knees, trying to push back a loud sob, bubbling up his throat.

_I’m really never going to see you again, am I?_

Watery eyes traveled over the floor under his feet. It desperately needed vacuuming, that much was clear even in the weak light of the moon. An occasional empty can and piles of what seemed like dirty clothes were scattered over the tatami of Yamazaki’s common area. A distant sweet stench of decomposition attacked Haruka’s nose again, most likely coming from the kitchen. Layers and layers of platters and god-knows-what-else filled the sink and covered almost every surface possible.

_I’m never going to touch your pale skin again._

He didn’t want his stupid eyes to turn that way, he indeed didn’t. But they were his own enemy now, just as they had been during the whole hellish week. Slowly they moved from the floor, shortly danced over the closed doors of bedrooms, and ended on the old leather wallet on the coffee table.

And then there was no power in the world to stop his fingers from reaching for it. Pulling out the folded piece of hard paper, Haruka closed his eyes for a moment before turning it over and unfolding it.

The little smile on that beautiful face; the shadows created by admiring light on the strong, lean muscles; color of that perfect hair. A single scene stolen from Rin’s life; his fingers forever reaching for the goggles on his forehead.

Everything that made Haruka’s heart race – now, and probably for the rest of his days.

_It’s really time to let go, isn’t it?_

He rose to his feet without returning the picture into the secret shelter of his leather wallet. Safe from others’ eyes – the privilege to look was his and his only – it fitted perfectly between two half-rotten pieces of orange at the bottom of the kitchen’s trash bin.

Haruka straightened again and stared for minutes at the slowly swaying red plastic cap. It hid his biggest treasure perfectly; no one was ever going to find it, not even he – once someone took the bag away. Yet knowing that he wouldn’t see the picture again brought little to no relief.

It had already been tattooed on the back of his eyelids, anyway.

_Good-bye._

The early morning breeze was blowing softly against his unbearably hot skin as he leaned against the railing of the small balcony, heaving for air. Still alive, still existing despite everything. Slowly coming to terms with the reality. And he knew the centipedes and worms were not going to crawl into his mouth and ears like he had feared in the dream, but Rin – well, he was indeed gone.

He understood that he failed to keep him close once again; hadn’t even properly tried, because he simply had no idea how to accomplish such an impossible task. So what? It was just another person who didn’t think he was worth the time and energy.

_So what?_

A tentative light started to crawl from behind the planet in the east, bringing the promise of a new day.

A day that would be just as miserable as any other had been so far. Nevertheless, still a day.

_Good-bye, my love._

The birds chirped among the trees towering in front of the balcony. The apartment was only on the first floor, so it was impossible to see over the foliage, but that was just fine. It felt as if the dark green roof over his head sheltered him from the cold of the slowly dying night.

Haruka sighed, mind running to Yamazaki sleeping soundly in his room, and to the way the man smiled a second before he had closed the door behind him last night: surprisingly nervously, hesitantly. Tenderly, even.

But despite his best efforts, Haruka didn’t know if he was able to look at him any other way; if he could change how he thought about the man since the moment he’d met him for the first time. For Haruka he had always been nothing more than that obnoxious and stupid Rin’s friend; the kind you could never understand what anybody saw in.

After last night, though, he had to admit that something small had changed. Almost imperceptible, it was barely manifesting its existence. Yet it was indisputably there. If nothing else, Haruka though, he had a lot to be grateful for.

And, surprisingly, the peaceful atmosphere of the upcoming morning was slowly starting to soothe the hurricane inside of his chest. Little by little, inch by inch. It takes time, they say, and as he stared into the distance, Haruka hoped that maybe a year from now, he would be a different person. That he’d be more than a pile of depressive thoughts and disappointment of unfulfilled dreams – he loathed this version of himself more than anything.

He knew it was high time to stop hoping for castles in the sky. _Damn,_   he knew all too well it was time to give his heart a chance to see something else.

Someone else.

The question was, though, if he would ever be able to do so.

A distant, already familiar voice reached his ears, and Haruka’s confused brain couldn’t wrap around the fact that the man he was just thinking about was angrily stomping under the balcony. Yamazaki was obviously talking on the phone, barking words that were hardly understandable from the distance. Only when he stood in front of building’s front door, searching for keys, Haruka realized he was able to catch a word here and there. The man pushed the phone between his cheek and the shoulder, fingers of other hand battling with the heavy bag.

“Yeah, I _told_ you I’ll talk to him, didn’t I? Just calm her down, damn. He needs to rest, now.”

_Oh._

Was he talking to Rin? The sting of pain was surprising, leaving him breathless again.

“Yeah… _yeah_. Alright, I got it. _Fine_. ”

Haruka looked away and returned inside; he had had enough of eavesdropping for his whole life. The apartment was silent and still mostly dark as he stood in the middle of the common area. Hesitating, not knowing what to do, or where to go. But for the first time in ages it didn’t scare him all that much.

An echo of the heavy steps on the stairs somewhere below brought a strange calming feeling to that unrelenting ache. It didn’t make it go away, but it turned it into something bearable.

However it was, at least he was not alone.   

The warm yellow light spilled over the room, and Haruka breathed deeply for the first time that morning.

“Ugh.” His eyes snapped towards the door where Yamazaki’s face wore a startled expression. He didn’t seem to notice how lemons fell off the bag one by one and slowly rolled all over the ground. It took the man few long seconds before he spoke again. “You’re up already?”  

Haruka let out a neutral _’uhmm’_ and reached for the fruit closest to his right foot. His eyes returned to the man still standing unmoving in the genkan and sighed, fighting off the funny feeling caused by the intense stare.

“Breakfast?”

A slight motion of his chin towards the bag finally brought Yamazaki from wherever he was lost until then.

“Uh, yeah. Hungry?” He asked and his face broke into a tentative smile just before he kicked off his shoes. Haruka’s eyes traveled over the contents of the big bag, once it was placed on the counter.

Yamazaki took out a few cans and a heavy load of vegetable, and Haruka’s eyes scanned the items with interest.

_Well, not what I’d expect from him, hah._

“Sorry for all the mess here, but it’s impossible to do anything about it. I’ve tried to clean it up more times I can count, but it looks exactly the same the very next morning. Those guys are pigs, period.”

Haruka knew his face couldn’t fight off a small amused smile as he picked up the can with a picture of a mackerel on it. He spun it in his fingers, looking for a reason to not look at Yamazaki’s face. It was quickly turning pink, thought, seemingly oblivious to the man’s wishes.

“How come you know so much about me?”

Yamazaki chuckled, and there was something mischievous and playful in his eyes when he looked up.

“Like where you live?”

“Like where I live. Or what I eat."

The man shrugged, now fully grinning. “I’ve got my secret sources.”

And when he winked, not only something strange twisted in Haruka’s stomach, but it also seemed like the room’s temperature rose slightly.

_Come on, Nanase._

_Get a grip._

Haruka sighed, mind running to the plane taking off somewhere at Narita – or maybe already in the air somewhere above the ocean. Because being here, standing in the slowly intensifying light of a morning sun he felt _almost_   normal. And he had no other chance but to wonder how it would have looked like, if he and Rin ever had the opportunity to share this time of day.

_I’d cook for you, if you wanted._

But that, like many other things, was something he was never going to find out. So it was probably for the best to avoid such stupid questions. After a while he cleared his throat, finger pointing at the opened fish can.

“I can do it, if you want.”

“No, no,” Yamazaki shook his head resolutely. “You’re my guest. I can handle one breakfast.”

Haruka sat down on the stool, studying the darkening shade of the man’s face and the way his fingers quivered slightly.

“You sure?” He asked after a while, not knowing how to decipher the tension that suddenly vibrated through the air.

“Well,” Yamazaki breathed out with a small nervous laugh, gaze stuck on the knife in his hand. “If you put something on, I can at least _try_.”

Haruka’s eyes fell down to his own chest. So what? He wasn’t naked, after all. Black slacks he slept in were still in their place, although honestly hanging a bit low on his hips. With an inner sigh he admitted he had lost some weight over the last few days.

_Why is he acting so weird?_

But when he looked up and met the blue stare once again, its intensity made everything very clear and easily comprehensible. The scrutiny made him swallow and push back something oddly hot in his stomach.  

“So-sorry,” He stammered and set off in the direction of the couch. Grabbing the shirt and putting it hastily on Haruka almost missed the soft laughter behind his back. He turned around at the sound, meeting the strangely dark eyes.

“Never apologize for being naked in my kitchen, dolphin.” 

 

Even thirty minutes later as both of them sat on the couch, watched some nameless TV show and ate silently, Haruka still couldn’t fight off the blood from his cheeks.

_You see, Rin?_

_This is how we could have been now._

With his eyes stuck on a non-defined place behind the TV, mouth full of too cold fish, and mind fantastically blank - it really was almost bearable. Not only was he able to breathe - quite surprising after the way he woke up from that nightmare a while ago – but he was also _eating_. He couldn’t recall the last time he had had something in his mouth, except tasting what he had cooked last night.

And Haruka wasn’t so bold to hope that thoughts about Rin were to go away anytime soon, but for some reason, being here next to this person made them somewhat duller. They were still there, bubbling up from his unconsciousness against his will, but their sharp edges were missing the most sensitive parts of his mind. 

_Only we wouldn’t have been able to move a muscle after the night spent in bed._

The horrible necessity of going home soon crossed shortly Haruka’s mind, but he pushed it away. He was going to think of it when the time came. Swallowing a piece of pineapple, he set his mind on watching the show and doing as little thinking as possible. Not that it lasted for too long, though.

_I would’ve been wearing that black shirt of yours now, just because I could._

A girl in the show cried and cried, and thanks to her horrible acting it was hard to tell if it was supposed to be funny or dramatic.

_And you_ _would’ve_ _been staring at me with those eyes, luring me back to the sheets._  

“You finished?”

Haruka jumped at the sound, and his face snapped to the side, meeting an expectant stare. He nodded through the confusion and let the man gather the platters. It took only three or four of Yamazaki’s steps in the kitchen’s direction, putting a short distance between them, and everything was suddenly back.

Haruka’s hand shot up to his chest, pushing against the hole that screamed with an intensity he so wished to never experience again.

It seemed that no matter how hard he tried, it was impossible to stop thinking. To stop feeling and regretting. Even though he was losing something he had never had in the first place.

_I said good-bye to you, didn’t I?_

“Uh, dolphin.”

_So stop haunting me, already._

Yamazaki’s voice was strangely nervous as he stood in front of him. Haruka stared at the man as he was pulling on a leather jacket. He waited for what was about to come, all the while relishing the pain eased a tiniest fraction as the man took a small step closer.

Was Yamazaki leaving? A wave of black fear washed over him.

“I’m going out now. But you can stay here as long as you want. Just avoid Kanji as much as possible,” He said, motioning towards the narrow bathroom’s door.

Haruka nodded after a while, not knowing what the man wanted him to say or do. Looking down at his folded hands, Haruka tried his best to not beg Yamazaki to stay here with him.

_I’m so screwed._

They weren’t friends. They weren’t even on first name basis, although who knew how that annoying _’dolphin’_ nickname should have been categorized. But Yamazaki just stood there, his gaze traveling over the apartment as if he was looking for an answer to some unknown question. Finally he rubbed his face and sighed heavily.

“Okay, look. Uhm… They want me to tell you, although I’m not convinced you need to know it right now. But blondie would probably open my skull with a screwdriver, if I didn’t ask you to turn your phone on.”

In the short moment that followed Haruka forgot how to breathe again, and his heart instantly quickened the pace. A few long seconds ticked away before he was able to see through the colorful stains in his field of vision.

“What?”

Another sigh.

“There’s, uh…well, uhm…it looks like they can’t find him…sort of.”

A silence.

_What??_

“Sort…of?” Haruka pushed out through the gritted teeth after a long, tense while. Was it only a continuation of that horrible dream, or was Yamazaki really talking about Rin? But the man just nodded, apparently trying to make it look as if Haruka’s morning nightmare wasn’t just trying to crawl in through the opened window.

“Yeah. Well, it seems like there was quite a ruckus after we left yesterday, and then he ran away, not telling anyone where to, or when he was coming back.”

Something indefinable crossed Yamazaki’s eyes as Haruka slowly rose from the couch. The man cleared his throat, at last, and went on. “The girl…Jane’s her name? She said the airlines let them change the plane tickets for a later flight today, or something like that. I don’t know, I don’t speak English that well. And besides, she was yelling at me most of the time.”

Haruka would swear that this time his heart was finally going to succeed in choking him. It refused to stay in his chest, galloping the wild pace, beating against the breaking ribcage.

Was this even possible? Was this real?

“And you’re telling me _now_?”

He knew his tone was threatening, dark and unforgiving, but he couldn’t help it. How long had this idiot known about it? How long had he been consciously letting him think that everything was _relatively_ fine?

No, this had to be only a dream. How else would he explain the ever-consuming fear that once again fed on his insides? Something like that shouldn’t have existed in the real life.

Because it was back: Rin was drowning, falling into the dark depths.

Rin was dying somewhere, all alone.

“There’s nothing to do now anyway. I and the blond midget…I mean, your friend, we’ve been running around to the hospitals-”

“God,” Haruka whispered and raked shaking fingers through his messy, unwashed hair. Pacing the room he suddenly realized that air in the Earth’s atmosphere contained, in fact, too little oxygen.

_Rin_.   

“But we didn’t find him. The police say it’s still too soon to do anything. I personally think he’s just sulking somewhere. I’m sure he’s gonna show up soon. But blondie is going out of her mind.”

_Rin_.

“Did you try to call him?” Haruka asked, and his own words made him dart in the direction of his phone. With rigid fingers he tried to bring the device back to life. Like always when he needed it the most, it took ages for the display to light up.

_Baby._

_What have you done?_

“Of course we did. It’s ringing, but he’s not picking it up.”

_Where did you go?_

Well, Haruka thought, while petrifying fear made him sit down on the couch, if that wasn’t even worse than his phone being turned off. He tapped in the pin code, making only four mistakes, and immediately dialed Rin’s number. When the robotic voice filled his ear, it took every inch of Haruka’s being to not throw the device against the wall.

_Fuck._

_I forgot he had redirected my calls._

“Come on, dolphin,” Yamazaki said with a voice serious. “You don’t really think he would do something stupid. I mean…he’s an idiot, but he’s not insane.”

But Haruka wasn’t that sure. Because _he_ was the only one who heard those weird words coming out of Rin’s mouth last night in the dark moon-lit room; full of self-hatred, uncharacteristic resignation and misery. No, this man standing in front of him had no idea at all how bad Rin had been feeling lately.

_I did._

_I knew._

The blazing guilt set his insides on fire. It was so much like his dream, Haruka would swear a dozen or so centipedes ran through the piles of pots, crawled down the counter and dug under the old tatami.

_But I didn’t want to see it through my own shit, did I?_

Haruka lowered his head between his legs once again, hoping to get the dizziness under control. He felt like throwing out everything he had eaten only a few minutes ago.

“What about Anna?” He whispered to no one in particular. “Her father can do something, for sure.”

A sigh.

“I don’t think he’s too keen on helping Rin. It looks like the girl hasn’t exited her room since the dinner last night. Or so blondie told me.”

Haruka stood up, fighting the unsteadiness of his jelly legs, and started gathering his things. The phone he still clutched in his hand almost fell to the ground as ringing filled the quiet room. Faster than he thought was possible Haruka pushed the button to accept the call.  

"Nanase-kun, I’m so glad you picked it up.

_Dammit._

The disappointment was crushing, fighting with even stronger fear and annoyance over his employer’s bad timing.

"Ito-san?"

“I was trying to get you on the phone the whole night. I need you to come over."

Haruka’s eyebrows furrowed over the urgency in the baritone. A murmur of peoples’ voices in a background made it simple to decipher that the man was in his souvenir shop – probably standing behind the counter with an old wrinkled hand pushing an ancient-aged phone against his ear, while the finger of the other one tried to block out the clamor. 

"I can’t talk now, Ito-san." Haruka murmured, hoping the old man didn’t have any problems. But during every second of this conversation Rin could call, and who knew what would the man do if he thought Haruka didn’t want to talk to him.

"Nanase-kun, I know I told you on Monday you won’t be needed this week anymore, but the consumers went crazy over your bear carvings."

Haruka sighed, knowing all too well where this conversation was heading.

"I’ll come tomorrow. I really can’t tal-"

"I wouldn’t bother you, Nanase-kun, if it wasn’t important. But there is this man who is here only until the golden week ends, and he wants only your work, nothing else. I tried to sell him my own things, but he’s stubborn. Since he’s leaving later today, he promised to come back in the evening. So, I’m terribly sorry, but...eh...could you come _now_?"

Haruka rubbed his face, trying to push down the anger. Because he knew precisely how desperately the old man needed any yen coming his way; how his small shop barely made it through each month. How big a change a good order from the wealthy customer could make for his slow business. And under different circumstances he would’ve done first and last to help him.

But not now, not when a knife was painfully swirling in his guts.

"I don’t think so, Ito-san. I’m sorry, but I have something else to attend to.”

"But, Nanase-kun!"

“I’m sorry,” Haruka said and ended the call. Grabbing on the wallet he turned to leave, finding a somber face waiting for him. He walked past the man, genuinely wishing he hadn’t done what he did. Now, when it finally started to be manageable between them, when he even felt good in his company. When he _needed_   him to stay sane.

But this – this was unforgivable.

And the man seemed to understand it as he followed Haruka’s movements towards the door.

“At least let me give you a lift. I was gonna drive around for a while. Maybe I’m going to be lucky.”

Haruka stood up after tying his shoes and sighed, unable to meet his eyes.

“Thanks, but I’ll take the subway.”

He didn’t need to look back to know the disappointment went both ways.

 

***

Haruka pondered, as he took stair after stair up to his condo, that some nightmares were never meant to end. You just keep plodding through the most absurd scenes; everything created only in your head, yet more real than what you can touch with your own hands.

A wrecked car here; a stray cat there. A homeless guy reaching for your leg from the narrow street; sun that never seem to peek through the thick layers of clouds. 

The apartment was silent, except for the soft murmur coming from the common area. The door to his bedroom was left open, and while its inhabitant was obviously gone for the time being, it didn’t feel like the place where he used to dream bittersweet dreams about one stupid man.

It must have been centuries ago when he lay there with a pillow behind his back.

With a hoarse _’Haru’_ Makoto’s grim face emerged from behind the wall, and a second later his arms were curled around him, patting his back gently; soothing, calming.

“I’m glad you’re okay.”

And he wanted to bury his face into his best friend’s shoulder and cry all that petrifying fear out. Only the tears seemed to be stuck somewhere between his eyes’ sockets and his brain, turned to little stone pebbles just like all of his rational thoughts. Makoto let go of him, at last, and the weight of his observational stare was too heavy.

“Rei,” Haruka rather murmured towards the tall man standing in the doorframe. His friend nodded back, trying to put up a smile. And Makoto’s face was also stretched into a weird imitation of a grin when Haruka’s eyes finally rested on him.

They were trying so hard, but he just couldn’t muster energy to make it look like he believed them for a second.

“Has he called yet?” He asked when nobody said anything for too long. Rei shook his head hesitantly and spoke in a subdued voice.

“Nagisa’s at the police station. He won’t let them breathe until they do something.”

_At least someone’s doing something._

“Did you call Rin’s mom?” He asked in an effort to keep his mind from panicking.

“Well,” Makoto said hesitantly. “We wanted to wait a little longer. I mean…maybe he needed some time of his own. There’s no need to scare her and Gou.” His voice was silent, and by the time he finished he seemed to somewhat shrink under Haruka’s gaze. “Haru, he’s a grown-up man. And strong one to add. No one’s going to-“

“Call her.”

“O-okay.”

He watched Makoto’s back until it vanished behind the door of his room, and only then realized how strange his heartbeat felt. Because an hour ago when Yamazaki’s words had reached through to his brain it felt as if his heart had been everywhere in his body at the same time – swollen, filling his insides to the brim. And with each new word a thick, pulsing vein on his stomach had pulsed stronger and stronger, until it vibrated frantically under the contracted abdominal muscles. But now, now there was nothing.

As if his heart wasn’t beating at all.

“Haruka-senpai,” Rei said, attracting his attention back to him. “He’s certainly going to call us soon. Let’s wait together for a while.”

_I can’t just sit here._

_When he’s out there, all alone._

But what else was there to do? Run around the streets like crazy? Or going mad right away? Maybe that was the only option, after all. Because with every breath, taken with an enormous effort, Haruka’s brain was seizing up, imagining things that couldn’t possibly be there.

Like a worm crawling around his bare foot.

A wave of nausea washed over him, making him move forward hastily – run away from disgusting remnants of the morning’s nightmare.

_He’s fine._

_He’s alive._

_I have to believe it._

A sleeping girl’s body was curled in the worn-out armchair. He observed for a second how her pale face moved with shallow breaths, although it was mostly hidden behind the waves of fair hair. They seemed to need washing, just like his own did. With a sigh Haruka fell down into the second chair, fished out his phone and tried his luck for what had to be a millionth time. Rei found his place on the tatami on the other side, sitting down and leaning his head against the wall.

_He’s going to call me and then I’ll tear his head off._

_Damned moron_.

_What does he think, scaring me like that?_

“You?”

Haruka’s eyes, which just a moment ago traveled over the piles of videogames under the old TV, now snapped to the girl’s side, meeting Jane’s burning stare. She wiped her sleep-filled face and lifted herself into sitting position.

“I see you finally deigned to leave his bed and come here?”

A silence.

_What?_

Haruka felt his eyes narrowing. He couldn’t be sure, but hadn’t she been on his side just yesterday?

“Jane,” Makoto spoke gloomily as he walked in and took place on the ground next to Rei. “Give him a break. He had a rough night.”

Her swollen, puffy eyes turned away for a moment, only to anchor on the side of Haruka’s face just a second later. He sighed, feeling her penetrating gaze as if she just slapped him across the cheek. It lasted five endless seconds until his patience ran out.

“What?” He spat, knee jumping in distress.

“Nothing.”

Both Rei and Makoto sighed in unison, and he, for the life of god, couldn’t understand how they could stay so collected. As if she wasn’t trying her best to pick a fight, with her voice all provocative and daring. Where was that nice, smiling girl from two days ago?

“We all should probably calm down.” Rei said, pushing his glasses higher. “Quarrels won’t do us any favor in this situation.”

_I’m trying, damn._

“Where’s my mother?” He asked hoarsely into the thick silence, and watched how Makoto and Rei exchanged looks. He didn’t know what he was supposed to think about it, but he certainly didn’t like it one bit. His best friend cleared his throat, at last.

“Well, uhm, she didn’t come home with us.”

_What the hell does he mean by that?_

The memory of Anna’s father crossed Haruka’s already petrified mind, and he had to give his head a little shake to clear it from horrible possibilities that arose from the simple information. 

_God, don’t let that happen._

He sighed, tapping on the display, sending yet another message that most likely wouldn’t get a response in return.

Jane’s stare still lingered on him once he accidentally turned to face her way, and in a sudden moment of lucidity Haruka realized she was probably expecting him to say or do something. But no matter how hard he tried, he wasn’t able to find out what it was.

“He didn’t call me. I’d tell you, if he did.”

“I know he didn’t.” Jane chuckled darkly. “I wouldn’t expect him to talk to _you_.” 

Haruka drew in a deep breath, closing his eyes.

_Count to ten._

_Just count to ten._

What the hell did he do to deserve such treatment? Hadn’t she been there last night? Hadn’t it been her who hugged him after that unfortunate conversation with Rin?

“So what, now it’s all _my_ fault?” He asked after a tense while, knowing all too well that his voice was far from steady.

When Jane jumped out of the armchair, the sudden movement startled all of them.

“Well, isn’t it?”

Haruka blinked, watching in shock how tears ran down her cheeks. A soft sob came out of her throat as she pushed quivering palms against the greenish face. “And mine too. I…I shouldn’t have yelled at him like that. I should’ve known he was not strong enough. That he wouldn’t take it. _Damn_.”

Her voice broke on the last word, and Haruka watched Makoto stand up and hide her in a firm embrace. But Jane just pushed against his chest, trying to free from the hug.

“Come on, guys,” His best friend said gloomily, and his tone didn’t match the cheering words that came out of his mouth after that. “I’m sure he’s okay. Don’t be so pessimistic. He’s gonna show up and a week from now we’ll be laughing at it.”

But as Haruka’s eyes met her light blue ones, he knew better. Because there were only two people in this room who knew the truth. Only two who had at least a vague idea of what was happening in Rin’s head. Although as they stared at each other now, Haruka realized that what he had had the privilege to see must have been just the tip of an iceberg.

A glimpse of the monster, sleeping under the cool, arrogant façade

Jane’s eyes glistened with accusation born of fear that was similar to Haruka’s own.

“He just did what you wanted him to, didn’t he?” A silence. “Like he always does what you want him to do.”

_I…_

“Jane, calm down. Right now,” Makoto snarled next to her, his voice uncharacteristically commanding.

_I…I told you to fuck off, didn’t I?_

But she didn’t seem to hear any of his words. Haruka rose slowly on wobbly legs, all the while her blazing eyes never left his. He couldn’t stand it, couldn’t bear being a victim of her judging. Not now, when the guilt from the nightmare was making its way up from the unconscious part of his mind like a roaring, hissing beast, digging its claws into his still, unmoving heart.

_So you did._

“I was right there next to you. I heard what you said to him. _You_ , of all people.”

_I failed you._

The silence that ruled the room was too tense, too painful for him to stand it. He could feel Makoto’s and Rei’s eyes on him, searching, guessing what so horrible could have come out of his mouth last night.

_I…_

_It hurt too much then, and I…_

“I thought I knew you, Haru. I was on your side all along in this mess. I _know_ what he did to you. But _…_ ” Jane’s voice quivered as Haruka’s hands turned into fists. “But the Haru he talked so much about would never leave him when he needed him the most.”

_Enough_.

_Enough!_

Haruka turned on his heel, ignoring the concerned voices of his friends. They both were saying something; the things unimportant; words that could change nothing about the fact he was a sore loser.

And the genkan felt too narrow as he hastily put his shoes on, not losing time with the jacket. But Jane’s words made their way through the loud beating in his ears anyway.

“Are you running away, again?” She yelled over the railing up on the staircase as he made his way down the building and prayed to be able to block out all the unbearable sounds of this damned world. “I thought you promised, Haru. You promised to never give up on him!”

He ran down the stairs in a rush, stumbling over his own legs.

And when his feet finally touched the pathway in front of the building Haruka halted, realizing that he, like before, had nowhere to run to. He took off in a random direction without intention to stop moving until he’d fall down dead.

Because once he stopped, the truth would finally catch up with him.

The truth that last night he had abandoned the man he loved the most just because he was not going to get what he wanted from him.

That he ignored the way Rin had been hurting just because he couldn’t make him his. That his selfish words made him run away, hide from the world. That he failed to make Rin believe he was better than any other human being that ever lived on this planet, dead or alive.

At least for Haruka.

 

***

The air of the small back room of Ita’s shop was too heavy, still, unwilling to be used for such a petty purpose like keeping Haruka alive. He wouldn’t be surprised if it just decided to spit on him and leave through the opened window.

That’s what the water was doing as of lately, anyway.

His hand was everything but steady as it grabbed the chisel from the tool’s kit for the third time, put its blade against the wooden block and pushed. But the line was crooked again, just like all of them had been so far. No matter what he did, he was not able to keep his fingers from shaking.

No, even the feeling of pliant, warm wood in his hands didn’t stop the thoughts. Didn’t even slow them down a bit. And he didn’t understand why, because it always, _always_ used to soothe his swirling mind before.  

But, he guessed, nothing stood a chance against _this_ nightmare.

_Call me._

He couldn’t go home again. He couldn’t go to school before it would be opened for their training. All he could do was either sit on the bench, staring into the distance – which was exactly what he had been doing for far too long once his legs finally gave up running – or try to get himself together at least a bit and wait until he would get _that_ call. 

For Rin, for them both.

With a sigh he put the chisel down and wiped a sweaty palm against the thigh. His skin wore half-moon marks of his nails, fingers pushing way too strongly in a vain attempt to make the hand move at the right angle, right speed, right force.

With a silent curse leaving his mouth he threw the tool and the wooden block on the table, praying for any sign that this day was going to end up better than it started.

_Call me, dammit._

But nothing happened, not a sound roused the quietness of the stuffed room. Just like fifty times before he sent his prayers and begs to any deity his mind was able to come up with. And it still felt as if he was standing in the middle of a lightning storm with hands tied behind his back; looking the dark future right in its face.

His mind ran back to the few moments of this morning, when he, sitting on Yamazaki’s couch, thought that he would be able to get over it. Get over Rin.

Maybe not today, not even tomorrow. But one day.

Now that half an hour felt like the eye of a hurricane. And it had to happen eventually – him losing balance and falling through the opposite cloudy wall right in the middle of a downpour again.

_Call me. Now._

Because it was one thing to know he was not wanted or loved. He could live with it; poorly, but he could.

But if there was a possibility that he was not going to hear about the man again; that Rin was not going to get a chance on living his life, that he was never going to get on Haruka’s nerves with that stupid cockiness again. Well. Then it really would be the end.

Sitting here on the screeching old chair Haruka realized he could never get over something like that.

It still hurt like hell, it did. But like the last piece of a puzzle that falls into its place, he realized he could never let go, no matter how hard he tried. He could say his _’good-bye_ ’ a million times over, but it wouldn’t change a thing. Because what he felt for the man was not for a day, or a month.

It had been growing for too long, slowly built over the years. And now it had infiltrated his very being, had become a part of the person he was.

And he suddenly understood he would happily go through the pain of last night again and again; he would. But he just _needed_ to know Rin was fine. That he was alive and well somewhere out there; now, and every day of the separate lives they were going to live from now on. Yes, it would be an everyday torture.

But there was no other way to exist.

_Now. Call me now!_

_Please._

He looked up, meeting his own stare in the cupboard’s window. His face still wore that same expression, and he wondered once again how could Makoto, or anybody else, see through him like glass. Had he not known how his own insides ached, he would’ve probably believed it was just another regular day for Haruka Nanase.

“Nanase-kun?”

He jumped at the sound of Ita’s old voice that startlingly came from right behind his back, and then he watched, bewildered, how all the tools from the kit fell from the table, offering an exceptionally dramatic show once they hit the ground. With wide eyes he followed them as they rolled all over the floor, under the table and cabinets, until most of them left his sight.

When someone cleared his throat Haruka looked up, meeting the stare of two pairs of eyes. Ita’s wrinkled face was nothing shy of tense as his gaze flickered between the younger man standing next to him and the half-done work laying on the table.

“I’m sorry for bothering you.” He said, looking rather stressed. “But how are you standing with the carvings? The gentleman here is forced to leave the country earlier, so…”

And Haruka had to admit he wasn’t surprised at all by his employer’s reaction. Because the man standing by his side now looked like everything but a regular customer. With hands deep in the pockets of his summer suit he returned Haruka’s stare with black eyes that balanced between amused and curious. Honestly, this man was as different as possible from shorts-clad tourists that filled old Ita’s shop during the holidays, or elderly Japanese pairs who bought the wooden creations in order to put them above the fireplace.   

Mid-thirties in age, dressed with utmost care, he wore an impassive face of someone who knew there were many trying to read it. He was rather short in height, but it didn’t detract from the aura of dignity that floated around him. Haruka’s eyes fell down to the fine brown shoes, buffed to a nice gloss.

A businessman, maybe?

Even before he opened his mouth Haruka knew the man was not Japanese. The lines of his jaw and eyes spoke of a foreigner; maybe a Taiwanese. 

“My deepest apologies, Nanase-kun,” The man spoke in Japanese that bore strong accent, and Haruka blinked in utter surprise when he took a step closer, looking over his shoulder at the table. “My name is Chong Liu. I’ve been in awe of your abilities for a long time. I sincerely hope my last-moment order didn’t cause you any trouble.”

Haruka sighed, annoyed to the brim by the stranger who now stood far too close for his liking. He motioned to the window frame where lay the only carving he was able to finish on time, and kneeled down to start gathering the tools. At last, Chong seemed to understand he was not going to have a partner for the conversation he most likely came to the back room for.

But this was not a place for customers, no matter how wealthy, or authoritative they wanted to appear.

_Dammit, Rin._

_How long are you going to make me wait?_

The man walked to the window, taking the bear carving into his hand; turned it, observed it.

“Well,” He said after a short while. “It certainly isn’t your best work. But I guess it will have to do. Where are the other two I ordered?”

Haruka glanced at the man, suddenly intrigued by the almost imperceptible change in his voice. Chang was definitely the kind of man who liked being shown respect to, and he seemed to be quickly losing patience with Haruka’s aloof behavior.

But he was in no mood for fulfilling anyone’s expectations.

_You’re going to call in five seconds._

“I didn’t make them.”

_Okay, in ten._

Haruka wasn’t trying to apologize, or defend himself. He was, in fact, happy he managed to get that one thing done, even though it was – just like the man said – far from nicely done work. The bear-with-jumping-salmons carvings were not Haruka’s favorite anyway, and it was a miracle he was able to concentrate enough and not throw it out of the window half way through.

“You didn’t make them,” Chang pronounced slowly, rising one eyebrow. Haruka watched him purse his thin, bloodless lips and turn towards horrified Ita. The old man straightened under the stare, as if the eighty-three years of his decent life were going to end right then and there.

What was he so scared of?

“Ita-san, may I ask you, with all the respect, to give us a short while of privacy?”

_Damn._

_What does he want from me?_

But when they were finally alone – just the two of them in the small, stuffed back room filled with cabinets and cardboard boxes piled up to the ceiling – it was suddenly obvious they were not going to talk carving techniques, or the creations Haruka could make from the wood with chisels.

He didn’t even know how he figured it out exactly; it was in the way Chang stared right in his eyes while circling slowly around his back. The man was evaluating him, trying to figure him out.

The question was why, though.

“Say, Nanase-kun.” The man started with a small smile and deceptive casualness. “Where did your talent come from? I suppose things like that must run in the family.”  

Haruka felt his eyebrows rise. This was, indeed, quickly becoming a very strange conversation. He decided for a simple shrug and a head shake and pretended to return back to the half-done carving in his hands.

“No artists? Siblings, parents, grand-parents? No, nothing?”

_What the hell does he want?_

“None that I know of,” Haruka said after a long, tense while, feeling the man’s intense stare on him.

_Get the hell out of here._

“What do your parents do, Nanase-kun? If it’s not too rude of me to ask, of course.”

Haruka met the black, searching eyes again, feeling his blood pressure rise. Chang was way too curious, and far too annoying for his own good. And if he thought he was talking to a little boy, Haruka thought, he was following a very wrong trace.

_Just get the fucking carving and let me be._

“It’s not. But it’s also none of your business.”

To Haruka’s utmost shock the walls of the small room resonated with the man’s deep bass guffaw, and when the sound finally dissipated, he wondered what it was with his answers as of lately. He wasn’t aware of trying to be funny, although he seemed to be succeeding in this area quite nicely.

It took the man two seconds and four long steps and suddenly he was grabbing the fabric of Haruka’s white shirt. Chang pulled him up with surprising force, until he was standing on two legs.

Haruka blinked, completely bewildered, and realized that despite being a head shorter than him, the man obviously thought he was the one controlling the situation.

“I see you have a damned good idea why I’m here, so let’s put an end to this little show of yours. Now, the sooner you tell me where I can find him, the sooner I can leave with your face untouched and my new suit clean.”

Haruka’s heart finally woke up from the stupor and leaped into his throat, running a wild race with his mind. It took him a while, but finally he understood that what he was facing here was not just a random annoyance; an ordinary person trying to violate his private space – an everyday phenomenon.

No, this man was different.

He might have been anybody. He might, to be honest, just as well belong to one of those weird parties that abound in Tokyo, living in the shadows of honest businesses. And while he had no idea what a man like that might have wanted from a nobody like him, Haruka didn’t find the option of getting the answer any more alluring than being in the dark.  

Seconds ticked by, but he still didn’t know what the answer to Chang’s question was supposed to be – if that was even his name at all.

“Find who?” He pushed out after a solid while.

The man’s eyes closed, and he let out a long, tired sigh before speaking again.

“You know what I hate about these jobs the most?” He asked while using his free hand to search in the inner pocket of his suit jacket. Haruka’s eyes widened when the glistening blade of a small pop knife filled his field of vision. “It’s the young, sassy motherfuckers like you who think how smart they are. Do you have any idea how long I’ve been doing this job?”

Chang stared into his eyes for a long time, and Haruka finally understood he was really waiting for an answer. So he just shook his head hesitantly, hoping it would be sufficient.

“Right, you don’t. I tell you it’s been too long. Too _fucking_ long, actually.” A sigh. “So, let’s get it over. Where is _he_?”

The picture of Rin’s face shot through Haruka’s astonished mind. It didn’t make any sense, he thought frantically, for the man to be looking for him. What would he want from someone like Rin? Then again, after the torturing hours Haruka had lived through since this morning, he simply couldn’t ignore the possibility that his disappearance somehow was connected to the man grabbing his shirt. A not so impossible connection to Anna’s father shortly crossed Haruka’s mind.

When the tip of the knife dug into his skin, Haruka faltered, searching for the courage to take over the situation. No matter what the man expected, he had no intention to let him lay his hands on him without consequences. At least not without a proper fight.

_What the fuck is going on?_

“Well?”

Haruka knew he was not of the smartest kind when it came to humans’ interactions, but staring into Chang’s hard eyes, even he understood that asking the same question once again would be quite unfortunate.

He tried to breathe, but the panic was way too strong, crushing his lungs into a small ball of muscles and bloodless veins.

“I don’t know,” Haruka muttered finally as the man’s grip on his shirt strengthened. “Who you’re talking about.”

“Who the fuck do you think I’m talking about?”

And Haruka would’ve most probably waited for a proper answer, because above the shock and overwhelming dread he truly wanted to know if his assumption was correct. But it was exactly in that moment when the silent, yet magnificently heart-twisting sound echoed through the room.

Haruka’s eyes snapped to the phone lying innocently on the table, now moving along with each vibration of an incoming call. And in a short moment when he looked back at the man something mischievous crossed through his black gaze. When Chang spoke, Haruka knew he had no other option.

“Is that him?”

_Fuck that shit!_

With the only thought on his mind Haruka’s hands shot up, fingers curled around the wrists and twisted painfully. Chang obviously wasn’t prepared for such an outburst after the way Haruka had been bearing his fate up until that moment, and it took him a short moment until his reflexes caught up with his brain.

But unlike Haruka, he seemed to be trained for combat, and once he was pushed away he easily predicted further movements. He leapt in the direction of the still ringing device, grabbed it into his hand like a snake would catch a rat, and pushed a tip of the blade right in Haruka’s face, effectively stopping him from making another step forward.

_Fuck!_

With the strongest premonition of his life Haruka simply _knew_ it was Rin on the other side.

He snarled hatefully, wanting nothing less than to tear the man in pieces. Moving forward despite the knife pointing against his left eye he reached for the phone, but the man was too fast; he took a step back and slipped from his grasp just in time.

Like a damned cat.

“Nanase, you sneaky motherfucker, how nice to hear from you,” Chang said cheerfully into the phone with a winning smile, and Haruka’s brain convulsed. “I haven’t had a chance to talk to you for too long.”

_What??_

“Where have you been all that time? We were so…“ The man trailed off, listening to the other side of the line for a while with a slowly darkening expression.

Everything bubbled, everything boiled in Haruka’s insides, and for a little while his vision turned to red. He was ready to beat the crap out of the man, if that was necessary to get to the phone.

But then – as if it was the most natural thing of all – Chang clicked his tongue, made a disappointed sound, and suddenly the phone was flying through the thick air right in the direction of Haruka’s bewildered face.

He caught it with a sweaty palm and blinked in utter shock.

“It’s for you. You’ve been lucky this time.” Chang waved his hand with a sour expression, hiding the knife back in his pocket. He made his way towards the back door of the shop placidly, as if he just didn’t put a knife to someone’s throat. “But don’t worry, young Nanase. I have a feeling this is not the last time we will see each other.”

And with that he was gone.

The door swung back into its previous unmoving state with a soft swoosh, as if the weirdest person that Haruka had ever met didn’t just leave through them with a horrible promise and even more dangerous smile.

Haruka stared after the man with mouth agape, until the sound of his own name brought his attention back. He pushed the phone to his ear immediately, still not breathing, still too shocked to get words through his lips.

“ _Dammit_ , Nanase, are you there?” Rin’s furious voice resonated through his brain, and he blinked, waking up from yet another nightmare of the day. “What _the fuck_? Haru? Answer me, damn! Haru!”

“Rin?”

“Oh, thank _god_. You okay? What the fuck is happening out there? Who the hell was that asshole?”

And with brand new wave of pain that cracked like a whip against the thick, pulsing veins on the muscles of his heart that suddenly burst with life, Haruka realized that it was really happening.

_Ah._

He was really listening to _him_. To very alive and very angry Rin. Anything else was pushed out of his mind as if it never happened; unimportant, already forgotten. The nightmare of this morning; the hours of endless waiting. Even the weird man with the knife.

He was going to deal with other shit when the time came. But not now, not _now_.

_Rin._

He felt his knees buckle under him and it was only the hard wooden floor that held him from falling right into the middle of the Earth, his body disintegrated into billions of particles. The smile that his face stretched into was too wide, too painful – made the tears running down his cheeks fall right into his mouth.

_Thank…thank you._

Choking on the saltiness on his tongue Haruka laughed through the lump in his throat, and his lungs were giving up when he tried to speak again.

But Rin seemed to understand it as he sighed on the other side before speaking silently, gently.

“Haru.”

_Thank you, God._

_Thank you for this chance._

The heel of his free hand pushed against his eyelid, trying helplessly to stop the stream. And he wanted, so desperately needed to get the words through; all those voiceless _’I love you’_ s, despite how he had promised to never say them last night.

Because for a few dark hours he thought there was no one he would’ve ever wanted to say them to.

Yet something else was making its way up through his throat instead, born from the all-consuming urge to curl his fingers around the neck of this stupid, _stupid_   idiot and strangle him for all the torture he had caused.

For making him feel like standing on the reef, pulled back from its edge in the last second before the gravity took him away.

“Where are you?” Haruka spat acidly, understanding Rin was very lucky they were not standing in the same room now.

“Why?” Rin said dryly, immediately catching on the change of tone.

_Come on, Nanase._

Haruka sat back on his heels, running fingers through the sweaty hair.

_Get a grip._

A clamor of a busy street filled the background of the line as Rin exited a building somewhere and mingled with the crowd. Haruka listened, while electricity ran through his veins instead of blood, and prayed for that gentle, deep voice to fill his brain again.

_This is not how you get through to him._

And few seconds later he was really going to say something reasonable, but when an unmistakable sound of soft blowing filled his ear, Haruka narrowed his eyes.

“Are you smoking?”

_Calm down, dammit._

“No.” The blatant lie made his blood run even wilder. Rin sighed on the other side, as if Haruka was trying his patience. “Haru. I’m calling, cause I-”

“Let’s meet,” Haruka offered, but it came out more like an order. “We’re going to talk.”

_Like normal people do._

A soft chuckle filled his ear, and Haruka really thought for a second he was going to snap. But then the words came, gentle and vibrating with a poorly contained smile.

“Someone’s in the bossy mode.”

_The hell, Matsuoka._

“Don’t you think we’ve said everything there was to be said, Haru?” Rin asked, and Haruka wasn’t sure if it was just his imagination, or if there was an underlying meaning – of a stupidly teasing kind that only this idiot could try to pull off in a situation like this.

_No, we haven’t._

“You’ve already missed your flight.” Haruka said through gritted teeth, barely keeping his crazily jumping heart under control. “It’s not going to kill you to wait for the next one with me, Matsu-.”

“Haru, calm down, okay?” Rin interrupted with a chuckle. “I was going to suggest the same.”

_I haven’t told you yet how amazing you are._

“You were?”

_How precious a human being you are._

“Yeah,” The man added in a flat voice after slowly blowing smoke out of his mouth, and Haruka understood the private window to Rin’s soul had been closed. He was back to suave idiot, and there was no way he was going to deal with him in this state of mind. 

_Even though you make me want to murder you most of the time._

A long silence stretched while Rin’s steps and occasional puffs filled that space of the universe separating them – tiny in comparison to its whole size, but enormous for those who couldn’t reach out and touch. As Haruka closed his eyes, it really felt as if there was nothing else in the world – just him and that sweet sound of a breath on the other side.

And it wasn’t as if they were done fighting, or as if everything was forever going to be okay – like in a damned fairytale – just because the idiot finally decided to make this call and made few oh-so-funny remarks. Hell, no.

But after minutes of listening to each other’s quietness, just before Rin spoke again, Haruka realized that he knew exactly how his face must have looked like at that moment: like always when the need to look cool and indifferent collided with what was bursting out from the deepest places of his radiant soul.

An outcome of it was visible right there on the pale face for everybody to see as this stupidly sour expression with one eyebrow raised, lips pursed into a thin, annoyed line. And there were less then few who knew that you had to look to the red eyes to find what was beyond it.

As Haruka slowly lowered himself down on the floor, he was dead sure that ninety-nine percent of the people passing Rin on the street now thought how utterly cool, laid-back guy he was.

_But I know, Matsuoka._

_I know exactly how you look on the inside._

It felt like one of those weird afternoon rains when sun shines through the heavy teardrops as Haruka’s hand shot up, covering his mouth from little giddy laughter that was trying to crawl up his throat. All the while the tears were still running free; like they did last night, like they would be tomorrow morning.

_You can’t fool me._

“So,” Rin said in voice too bored to be believable. “We have a deal. But I have to go back first and get a shower.”

_Not me._

Haruka exhaled with a smile and nodded as if Rin could see him. “I’ve got training in an hour.”

“Cool. I’ll meet you there then.”

“Rin?“ Haruka asked in a rush before the man ended the call, and didn’t even bother to wait for an answer. „Call your mom.“

And after one long exhale and muttering something unintelligible Rin abruptly hung up.

Even ten minutes later Haruka stared at the phone as if it could give him a silver lining he so desperately sought. Because, yes, he was going to meet _him_   again.

And because nothing could make Haruka forget what had happened between the two of them last night; what had been said. Because the memories still made the edges of the searing hole in his chest lite up with a white hot flame, too painful to get over. Rin had already made his decision, and even if there was some unknown, secret way to change it, Haruka wouldn’t try to search for it again. That time had passed.

What was done, was done.

Haruka’s fingers pushed against the place where his heart beat wildly under the ribcage, trying to ease the burning ache.

But Rin’s blond friend was right. He indeed promised to never give up on him.

And although now the promise was only shy of impossible to keep, he had to at least _try_. He blinked into the rays of the sun falling on the floor from the window, all of a sudden afraid he was going to break into hundred pieces if he looked into those beautiful red eyes this very day again.

But lifting himself up Haruka knew all too well there was no other way, not now, when he was given a second chance.

Because living in the world without Rin’s blazing light – even though it was shining on the other ground – was impossible.

And in the ideal world he would’ve been given years, or at least months to get over this state of heart. He would’ve taken his time sulking, long enough to make the pain duller and not so loudly yelling from inside. Then, one day, it would’ve been less burning, more bearable, and Haruka would’ve been able to look in that face again without falling on his knees.

And then, eventually, he’d crawl back to Rin’s life again. Because he was a needy loser like that.

But this was not an ideal world.

In the real one, though, there was one stupid, arrogant idiot who needed his help too much now. And Haruka simply couldn’t find a way to let the time he needed pass without causing irreparable damage. So what was he supposed to do?

He just had to bite his tongue, put a smile on his face, and do what he had to in order to bring the man back to his senses. To make him see he was not a nobody, a lost cause, like he’d said about himself last night.

To make him understand he was everything but those things.

And Haruka had no idea, no idea at all what he was going to do, or if it was going to have any effect. Maybe it was just another worthless try – like the one in the mansion had been – and it was probably going to end just the same. 

Yet as he dialed the number and placed a sweat-covered phone against his ear once again, he knew one thing for sure.

That there was hardly anything that could worsen how he felt at the moment. What was another little scar in the sea of those already existing, right?

“Rachel? Are you, by any chance, at the school now?” Haruka asked, waiting for a hesitant _’yeah’_ on the other side. “I’ve changed my mind. But I’m going to need a favor in return.”

 

************** 

Fear wears way too many faces to be classified as a single emotion.

One is cold, seeping through your bones like a fifteen-minute-long wait for the bus on a freezing January morning.  Another is hot, burning owner’s marks on your chest as if you were a young calf waiting in line. One makes you run for cover, another binds your legs and hands – forces you to watch the things you fear the most approach; closing the distance, laughing at your weaknesses.

One is hard like a rock inside of your heart, while the other turns into jelly that surrounds you, making it impossible to see clearly the world around.

Neither of them is forgiving.   

The long school corridor was silent except for the sound of Haruka’s own breathing as he leaned against its wall. Holidays robbed it of students’ laughter and chattering, and left it eerily vacant. Thick walls didn’t give a chance to the heat of a first warm day outside, and he sighed when a gust of cold air brought goose bumps along the length of his arms and back. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to leave his jacket in the locker room, after all.

The echoing sound of hasty steps, coming from behind the corner, made him push off of the wall and listen. He gave his phone one short look, making sure he was there on time.

It had to be her.

And just like he thought, in a few seconds a shock of red hair emerged in the corridor, moving quickly in his direction. Haruka straightened in anticipation. He was, indeed, trying his best to keep his eyes from running to the brown satchel swaying in Rachel’s hand. But maybe it would’ve been a better option, after all, because once he looked to the violet eyes, a chilling feeling ran down his spine.

She halted in front of him and pinched her lips.

It didn’t take a scientist to understand she was not excited in any way to be here. But he wasn’t, either; especially when the idea of what he was about to commit himself to filled his mind. It made him slump his shoulders even more.

“I still don’t get why you simply didn’t ask Tatano-san,” Rachel muttered, and looked to the side. The satchel in her hand found its way to her chest. Her arms protectively curled around it, as if he was about to rip it out of her fingers.

“He’s sick,” Haruka said in a flat voice. “And I need it now.”

“Hirai-san, then.”

Haruka lifted one eyebrow, and she sighed, easily understanding. There was no way that man would go out of his way to help a student. Especially not when it came to Haruka. Maybe for Hagino, but even that was highly debatable. Hirai was a prick, at best.

“It’s for an hour. Two, maximum,” Haruka said, reaching his hand in the satchel’s direction. “I’ll bring it back as soon as possible.”

Rachel took a deep breath, and her eyes were unsure when she met his stare.

“And you’re going to do all the work.”

A nod.

“The translation. Booklet cover, all the graphics.”

“Yes.”

“And I’ll have it on my desk in two weeks? With sketches and everything?”

Haruka sighed and lowered his hand.

“I promised, didn’t I?”

It took her a few seconds, but finally she released the pressure on the satchel and let it fall down to her side. Painstakingly slowly she pushed her hand into it and pulled out a thick folder. Haruka watched her look around and fought the need to face palm. Not only was she acting as if they were in an action movie, she was also keeping him from training.

No doubt Hirai was going to throw something at his head, if he arrived late one more time. His hand shot up, taking the folder with his name on it from her hesitant fingers, and pushed it under his arm.

“I’ll be waiting in my office.”

Nodding slightly Haruka turned away, but her voice stopped him before he had the chance to leave.

“You understand what would happen if Hirai found out I took something from his office, don’t you, Haru? Restricted information like that?” She asked, obviously still unsure if she made the right choice. “He’d make them fire me on the spot.”

Haruka pursed his lips, wishing she would just let it be. He wasn’t going to betray her trust, in the first place, and she was making it look much more serious than it was, anyway.

“Nothing like that is going to happen. I’ll be back soon.”

With that he finally left her standing there, shaking his head over her exaggeration. And he was doing his best to ignore the way her gaze followed him until he turned the corner. But if nothing else, thanks to the way her eyes burned a hole into the back of his head, Haruka realized that she was most definitely not going to make him her assistant as she mentioned before.

She did this for him, because it was more than convenient for her to place all the work on one person rather than two, or more – without the need to look for other students who would only reluctantly take over it. But if she claimed to be his friend before, well, now she most definitely changed her mind.

Once the folder found its place in his locker, Haruka changed hastily and ran for the natatorium, where training was already in full swing. And while he earned a few ugly and threatening looks from Hirai, nothing worse happened.

His head burst with thoughts as he made his way towards the pool. Every single moment of this week spun around his mind, leaving him almost breathless as he stood on the starter block. How it all started with his mother’s arrival – the endless stream of weird situations, awkward moments, and painfully made decisions; everything culminating into the worst nightmare of all – this day.

How it had never crossed his mind that he was _ever_ going to go through something like what Rin had put him through these last days. And also how the pulsing in his ears – a reflection of his frantically beating heart – started immediately as _his_ name popped up in his mind with a red light of circling alarm; as a reminder of the next hour or so that he had to spend in the company of the man he wished to never see again.

The man that also happened to be – completely schizophrenically – the one Haruka wanted nothing else but to hide in his arms for the rest of his life.

Or at least until Rin’s plane took off.

_Stop that._

_There’s no way back._

_You’ll keep your promise and let him go._

Because Haruka knew, like he didn’t know anything else, that he wouldn’t stand to go through that hell again. If the future was going to bring him something similar to yesterday, he wasn’t going to make it out alive. No, this time, he had to stand his ground. Even if that smile showed up again – which he hoped was going to happen after he’d finished with Rin today.

He had to keep his mind set on the plan, every fiber of his brain concentrated on the sequence of steps that were supposed to bring at least some results.

_It’s going to work._

_It has to._

_There’s no other way._

Only when his fingers touched the water surface as he dived in the pool, everything went to hell again. He couldn’t understand it, couldn’t wrap his head around it; how the water – the entity that had never betrayed him in any way possible, the only one that had trusted him all of his life – now refused him completely.

Without reservation, as his feet pushed against the pool’s wall at the turn, it made it clear he was not welcome there. That he should’ve been so kind to grab onto the pool’s edge, and get _the fuck_ out of there.

“Nanase.” Haruka’s head snapped up at the sound of his name, and he held on the holder on the starter block. Hirai’s displeased stare met his own bleary eyes. “To the showers.”

Haruka looked down at his quivering fingers, understanding without further ado what those words meant. He was really not wanted here, anymore.

By the water. Even by his own team.

The man shook his head once Haruka pushed himself up and straightened next to him. The sky behind the natatorium’s windows was clear, promising a hot, sunny day, when he felt the sting of Hirai’s voice again.

“You wanna drown, go find yourself someone else’s pool.” 

There was no way Haruka could keep his face straight as he moved his body in order to walk away. With a towel thrown over his wet hair he lowered his head, hoping no one from the team would see how hard it was to breathe. They could never understand, not in a million years, how important the bond he used to share with water was in his life.

How essential for his existence.

“Nanase? Hey.” Haruka turned at Hirai’s words, only to be met with a surprisingly serious face. With a little bit of imagination he would’ve said there was a hint of concern in the black eyes. “You alright? You don’t need a doctor, or something?”

He shook his head and walked away without a word.

And his heart was still strangely convulsing when his fingers ripped the swimming trunks off of his body and turned the faucet of the shower. The hot stream fell on his head, burning his skin. But instead of clearing his mind, robbing it of everything that was trying its best to push him over the edge, the water was screaming with revulsion. Drops ran down his body, but didn’t wash him. Didn’t _want_ to make him clean.

Haruka leaned his forehead against the wall of the empty communal showers. Drawing in a long breath, he kept his eyes firmly shut.

_Water._

But the word spoken in his inner voice didn’t get any reaction. Not that he’d ever tried to talk to the water this way, but there had to be a first time for everything.

_Water, please._

_Listen to me._

Up until this moment he had never needed to plead; to try to communicate his thoughts and wishes in this stupid way. Water had always known what he wanted it to do, just like it was the other way around. They both simply _understood_. 

But the time had come, at last, to admit it out loud. Whatever had once been between them, wasn’t working anymore. The bond was bent, if not broken, disrupted by some unknown force. Compromised.

_Is that what you want?_

_To have me down on my knees in front of you?_

And Haruka knew he wasn’t the one everybody had known before; the one he used to be – the weirdo married to water, that odd crazy boy who would’ve slept in its arms, if he wasn’t going to drown in his sleep. In the strangest, most incomprehensible way – a dolphin’s incarnation.

No, now, he was just that weirdo.

_So here I am._

He gritted his teeth, muscles of his jaw painfully tensing. An unfamiliar wave of anger was rising inside of him, like when an underwater earthquake would rouse the ocean’s surface, bringing it to life with a force that was impossible to stop.

_Asking you._

Because after weeks, what – months of wondering, spending every minute of his spare time in the pool, exerting his body to the last drop of energy, he had had _enough_. Because he’d tried literally everything he could to fulfill all the water’s whimsical demands.

To understand the reasons of its capricious administration.   

_Damn, I’m_ _begging you._

And Haruka knew, as the drops that ran down his naked shoulders and the back of his thighs vibrated ever so slightly, that there was no way to continue this pre-divorce kind of relationship – with all imaginable nuances of ignorance and bitterness; mutual misunderstandings.

_To show me what I’m doing wrong._

The water was either going to willingly tell him what the problem was, or he would find a way to force it to. His nails scratched against the tile wall as the heat of a burning stream filled his eyes and mouth. The hotness, the burning sensation filled his lungs and stomach. His everything.

_So I can make a change._

His heart launched into even crazier pace when he felt its whispering lurk at the back of his mind.

The answer was somewhere there as he finally reached for it – a translucent hand immediately curling its fingers around his shoulders; embracing his chest with its scalding hot arms. And yeah, it was petty for the water to not give it to him right away, to make him wait. Beg even. But Haruka didn’t mind.

_So I can make it right._

And it was almost laughable when he realized with a start that he probably wouldn’t have sought the answer, if it wasn’t for Rin. Most likely he would’ve simply let the time pass, like he always did, hoping that something was going to happen. Something that would’ve miraculously solved all of his problems.

Which would’ve never happened, of course. And he would’ve had yet another reason to feel hurt and disappointed for the rest of his life.

_Because I need you now._

_More than ever._

But Rin was too important. Like always, he was the one who wanted something of Haruka; always made him cross his comfort zone to reach for the man – and it didn’t make too much difference if the demand was yelled at him while he was pushed against a chain fence, or whispered between the lines of apologies in a moon-lit room. Plain and simple, this was just another time that Rin expected him to work for something as if it was the most natural thing of all.

And as usual, in the end, it was something they both wanted.

So now he stood there, under the burning stream, wantingto find the solution to his own disconnection to water’s loving arms, so he could pass his own strength along to someone else.

_For him._

Haruka’s eyes snapped open.

_For me._

He was scared, _so_ scared this was not going to work, that it made him want to throw his clothes on and run from there like a kitten he used to feed back in Iwatobi, when it was startled by a loud sound.

But he knew, even as the showers started to fill with other swimmers and he walked out in a haze, that he couldn’t give in now. He couldn’t just throw the towel into the ring, like he would’ve done, had he been in this alone.

 

 

Fear is a strange thing, Haruka thought, as the sound of his fast steps resonated against the long and empty school corridors.

It’s hot, and it’s cold. It’s hard, and it’s like jelly.

And sometimes it makes you scared of the things you love the most. 

The long shadow of a human frame spilled over the lino floor, and his eyes traveled up to the tall man standing against the white light of the midday sun falling in through the glass panels of the school entrance. Haruka’s feet fell out of rhythm for a moment as Rin’s face turned towards him.

It was still bathing in the blinding light, but he didn’t need to see it to know the angle of the jaw was incomparable to any other – that much his own hands had told him before. To know exactly how perfect the shape of eyes and lips was – that’s what he had found out with his own, after all.

He really didn’t need such lousy proof as sight to know all of that.

The only thing he didn’t know now was what he feared more. Whether it was the necessity to get closer and let his brain feast on the beauty that he was never going to be shown again, or the possibility to turn on his heel and run away. Because he could – to stop his feet on the spot and get out unharmed.

And never see that face again. 

“Yo, Haru.”

No smile, just a little frown was all Rin gave him as Haruka cut the rest of a distance between them in a couple of strides.

And it took Haruka’s everything to not break his nose right then and there. Rather than that he let his hand shoot up to the strands of dark red hair. They were still a little damp as he pulled forcefully, taking that stupid head with their motion before he let go.

“Ouch. The hell, Nanase!” Rin’s protest was loud as he massaged the skin and brought the janitor’s attention to the two of them. “What was that for?”

Haruka looked at him with narrowed eyes, unable to believe he was really asking such an idiotic question. But Rin’s face fell even more when an answer wasn’t coming his way, and Haruka sighed, closing his eyes for a second.

“Don’t ever do that to me again, Matsuoka.”

And suddenly there was something else in the red eyes; something warm and tender. Something he hadn’t seen in there since that time when he had stood at the airport in Melbourne, and one particular red-haired moron waved at him all the way through the check-in; and long after that, as long as he remembered.

Something that frighteningly reminded him of a slow, early-spring day spent at the side of the Iwatobi swimming club pool, filled with soft pink petals. And as one corner of Rin’s lips quivered and rose slightly, he would’ve sworn that the delicate scent of cherry blossoms was not a product of his imagination. 

_Don’t let it fool you._

“Let’s go. I want to show you something.”

Turning on his heel Haruka thanked god that Rin was not Makoto; that he couldn’t see through him like a glass panel. Because he was barely managing to put one foot in front of the other as he walked, not to mention how impossibly difficult thinking was.

He decided, after a while, that keeping his body in movement was everything he needed to do anyway.

“I thought we were going for a walk, or something.” Rin’s voice was cautious as he followed Haruka’s back through the school’s area.

And it was only natural that his already reluctant steps halted once the two of them turned the corner. The man had been here just once, but Haruka knew he was going to recognize the place immediately. He looked back, annoyed, and pushed against the double door that separated them from the locker rooms.

“We are. I just have to take something from my locker.”

A rather dark _’hmm’_ that followed was everything he’d expected to get. Haruka tapped in the code and pulled the metal locker door open. Snatching the folder and a bag he turned to meet Rin’s gloomy face.

The man was obviously everything but happy to be here. Haruka sighed, fishing his phone from the pocket of his pants and threw it unceremoniously in. Rin’s eyes widened with puzzlement when Haruka motioned between him and the metal locker.

“Yours too. I want a private talk. No disturbance.”

He watched with a squeeze in his gut as both eyebrows rose.

_Come on, don’t be a prick._

And then, with a slight shake of his head Rin sighed, obviously unable to believe how deep Haruka’s weirdness ran. Pushing his hand into the inner pocket of his long jacket he pulled the device out, and checked the display before putting it next to Haruka’s own.

_He didn’t even comment._

_What a miracle._

Haruka swallowed thickly as his eyes rested on the black plastic cover of the phone. Way too much pain was caused by this small, unimportant thing. The locker door banged loudly as he pushed against it a bit too forcefully. He was determined to do everything he’d planned, to keep his promise as well as he could, so both of them would be finally free from each other.

But instead he only stood there, catching for breath, trying to find a glue to keep the edges of the searing hole in his chest together.

_Just a little longer, and it’s done._

_You can make it._

Rin behind him sighed again, bringing him back to reality. He glanced at the man, suddenly remembering a detail he’d almost forgotten.

“Do you have a passport here with you?”

“What? No, I don’t, dammit.” Rin huffed in annoyance, and scoffed. “If I knew we were gonna skip town for the Bahamas I’d bring my flippers.”

Haruka walked past the baffled man, pushing the thick folder into his hands.

“Look at this.”

Yet there was only silence where Haruka anticipated steps and the sound of paper listing. He turned, and his heart did a somersault once again – completely unreasonably, just because he was such an idiot. Rin wasn’t doing anything to cause such a reaction, after all. He just stood there with lips pursed and eyes glued to the name on the folder’s cover, not even trying to open it.

“Let’s go,” Haruka muttered to the quiet room, forcing his feet to move.

And when he’d already started to think that the man turned into a marble statue, and was never going to follow him, Rin eventually moved. Wearing a strange expression, he stood next to Haruka as the door swung behind them. The air seemed to turn a tad colder as long fingers finally pushed between the sheets and turned pages one after another.

Revealing the truth that Haruka wasn’t sure he was ready to share.

_Come on, Nanase._

He glanced at Rin’s focused reading face, and fought the need to flee.

_It’s just Rin._

“The Bahamas, huh?” He asked instead of running away like a total dumbass, and blinked when red eyes turned to him with a small, but noticeable sparkle.

“Why not? Have something against it?”

And there it was again: a crooked smile with one raised lip corner. Haruka’s breath hitched in his throat as he looked away and shrugged, pushing his body once again into motion.

“Can’t swim there. Too many sharks in the sea.”

Rin snickered behind his back, and his eyes probably returned back to the papers in his hands. They had to, because the man obviously followed without paying attention to the direction Haruka took.

“Haru, what is this supposed to mea-” Rin’s words halted mid-sentence and his face snapped up from the folder once Haruka pushed against a door once again. This time, though, it was a completely different door to a completely different room.

Distant sounds of human voices, whistles, and water splashing reached their ears, and Haruka watched how the expression on the pale face turned from confused to scared in a split second.

Rin blinked, unconsciously taking step back and his adam’s apple jumped up and down as he swallowed. Haruka looked down at his shoes, still leaning against the now opened door, waiting patiently until the man regained the ability to speak.

“Haru…I’m not going to swim again. That’s not…”

Haruka sighed. “No one said anything like that. I just have a message to deliver.”

_So I was right._

“To whom?”

_That it’s not going to be easy._

The look in red eyes was hesitating, and it was impossible to miss the fear glistening in them as Haruka’s thumb pointed to the other side of the natatorium; to The Princesses occupying the bleachers. Sprawled there like each day after practice, they were laughing, making fun of a few brave beginners that dared to swim under their mocking stares.

Being idiots, per usual.

_Don’t be afraid._

“Isn’t that…” Rin swallowed again, his eyes glued to the biggest man among them. “Isn’t that…Hagino Yamato?”

“You know him?” Haruka asked, and waited until Rin nodded before turning his body and fully entering the natatorium.

_I’m here with you._

“Like who wouldn’t know him, Haru?” Rin grumbled once he stood by his side inside, soles of his sneakers sticking to the damp tile floor. “On which planet do you live?”

Haruka let it pass without comment, and rather focused on the way the blue water alluringly gleamed in the strong sunlight. It was beautiful; perfect even. And although now it was doing next to nothing to slow down the blood circling crazily in his veins, he was sure it was the sight he wanted to see every day for the rest of his life. And as he glanced at the man walking by his side, noticing how strongly long fingers clutched onto the folder – knuckles white from the pressure – he knew he was not the only one.

It was apparent in the way the muscles of Rin’s jaw contracted; in the way his eyes weren’t moving over the lines at all. That despite his best efforts he could hardly keep them from turning to the blueness on the left.

_It’s okay._

And it was everything Haruka needed to know: that Rin felt it too. That strange, inexplicable pull; the hardly contained urge to dive in. The one that vibrated through the lymph of your body with nervous energy. The man might have claimed whatever he wanted, but the two of them were the same when it came to water.

The pool was mostly empty as they made their way along its side. Haruka forced his eyes to stay on the shapeless flowers, created on the natatorium walls by intense sunlight. It reflected from the water’s surface, and the trepidation of its white beams matched the rhythm of his rampant thoughts.

Feeling his blood pressure rising even higher, Haruka exhaled and curled his fingers into fists, only to release them right after. At least, he thought bitterly as his courage wavered once again, the distance was still sufficient between them and the laughing group.

_Come on, time is running out._

And his hand was already starting to move when the folder in Rin’s hands suddenly closed with a loud thud. The unexpected movement made him jolt and his face turned fully towards the man who sighed and raked fingers through red hair.

“The hell, Haru. For starters, I have no idea what you want me to see in there, and anyway…I didn’t come here to check on your times. I need to tell you something importa-”

“Give it to me,” Haruka said in a rush, unable to hear the rest of the sentence, ripped the folder from Rin’s hands and pushed it against his chest. And he knew his voice quivered slightly when he spoke again silently. “You’re impossible.”

With a rising panic he measured the distance that separated them from The Princesses once again. A few of them, including Hagino, clearly already noticed the two of them approaching.

_Now, or never._

_It’s now – or never._

Haruka took in a deep breath. Closed his eyes. Opened them.

_Don’t be a pussy._

And with a last shaky exhale he let his hand shoot up, fingers digging into the strong shoulder. And there was only a surprised yelp, followed by a loud splash of water in the short second that preceded the roaring laughter from the bleachers that shook up the natatorium to the core.

_I really did it, damn._

Haruka turned his face away, unable to see the man; fully clothed, and now utterly drenched in the pool’s water. Especially not when the sound of a loud inhale reached his ears – probably as Rin’s head finally emerged above the surface.

Horrified more by his own stupidity than the man’s earth-shattering anger he kept his eyes  closed for as long as he dared. But as he opened them, at last, it was far worse that he thought it could be.

Because he’d seen Rin pissed-off before. Damn, who hadn’t? To say it was a common sight was an understatement of the year. But now, as their eyes finally met, Haruka knew it wasn’t one of Rin’s regular emotional outbursts. 

_Rin._

And with full-blown panic in his chest Haruka prayed that this was really the right thing to do.

_Trust me, please._

Because the reaction he’d hoped to get was not coming his way. No yelling, no cursing, nothing was happening except for a horrible silence that stretched between them.

_It had to be this way._

Rin was heaving, completely still, staring at Haruka from under the wet strands of ruined hair. He was clutching the pool’s edge so hard, Haruka was sure he was going to rip a tile or two off it. The water poured from his clothes like a waterfall as he lifted one hand and pointed his finger in Haruka’s direction.

And it was in that short moment, when the undeniable sting of betrayal crossed Rin’s eyes, that Haruka stopped breathing altogether.

_No, no, no._

“You.” Rin hissed, at last, and spat the water out of his mouth, his stare unwavering. “You.”

“Rin.”

The bleachers shook with another wave of laughter, and from the corner of Haruka’s eye he saw Hagino’s skinny friend imitate the comical way Rin plummeted into the water minutes ago. And when hard red eyes turned slowly from the group of best swimmers in the whole school – and most likely in the whole Japan – back to him, Haruka finally understood.

_He thinks it was revenge._

“Don’t ever say my name again.”

He didn’t know if it was in the way those words were pronounced with such an acidity it could poison the whole pool, or because those perfect eyes Haruka loved so much turned away, but suddenly he felt it.

The petrifying fear seizing his stomach into a vice grip.

_He thinks I did it to humiliate him in front of them._

Rin hands pushed against the pool’s edge to get his soaked-up body out of it, and then probably from Haruka’s life for good.

_N-no._

“Stay right where you are,” Haruka said without even trying to cover the panic in his voice, hurriedly placed the folder down on the ground, and pulled his T-shirt over his head. Tossing it on the backpack next to his feet, he undid his belt and stepped out off his shoes simultaneously.

“What the fuck.” Rin shook his head as he glanced shortly at him, anger dissipating in an instant. In its stead was only an exhausted resignation filling his voice as he spoke again. “What the actual fuck, Nanase?”

And when he finally looked up with eyes gleaming, Haruka was pretty sure Rin was on the verge of tears. With a few blinks he tried to fight the pressure behind his own eyelids.

_I would never hurt you, idiot._

_How can you think something like that?_

But if nothing else, Rin stopped trying to get out of the pool. He was just shaking his head again and again, as if he couldn’t believe that something like what had just happened to him was even possible.

_You’re going to listen to me, now._

“I think I made it clear enough I’m not swimming again,” Rin muttered to Haruka’s knees once he sat down next to him on the tile floor, legs hanging over the pool’s edge. “Which part of it did you not understand?”

_You’re not going to like it._

“Could you be so kind as to finally pull your head out of your ass, Matsuoka?”

_But you need to hear this._

He watched with a painful stab to his chest as Rin’s eyes snapped up to his, and widened with shock. 

“Huh?”

Haruka sighed, annoyed by the lack of right words he needed so much now. He was pretty sure that had there been anyone else in his place now, they wouldn’t have had any problem saying exactly what they wanted. But Haruka was just – Haruka.

And he could do only so much with his skills.

“I’m not going to repeat it, so listen carefully.” Another sigh. “I meant every word I said last night to your father-in-law.”

_Every single one of them._

“Haru.” Rin interrupted the stream of his thoughts. “About that…”

“You really are the best swimmer I’ve ever met.”

_The best I’m going to meet, ever._

“The hell, Nanase.” Rin wiped his face. “You won’t let me say it, will you?”

“Shut up, Matsuoka, okay? You know how much I love conversations, so just let’s get it over with.” The men on the bleachers seemed to be too curious about their exchange for their own good as Haruka’s eyes traveled around the natatorium. “I didn’t show you my times for nothing. Do you know what those notes at the end of my folder mean?” He waited until Rin shook his head with an annoyed expression, and went on. “They mean I belong among the ten worst swimmers on the whole team.”

“What?” 

“Yeah,” Haruka nodded solemnly. “It’s true. I don’t remember when was the last time I swam a decent time.”

“B-but…” Rin stammered, obviously shocked.

“And it’s not getting better, for some reason. As it seems…at the end of next month I’m done here. ”

Rin’s wide eyes were glistening with unshed tears as he stared up at Haruka. The man didn’t want to believe it, that much was clear.

“So, we’re kind of in the same boat, now. Well, I don’t know your times, but you were right. I’ve seen you swim.” A silence. “But I’ll tell you one thing, Matsuoka. I’m _fed up_ with your whining and crying.”

“I-I’m not…”

Haruka ran fingers through his hair in distress and sighed. “Yes, you are. And if there’s one thing that pisses me off more than anything, it’s your self-pitying bullshit, like the one you pushed down my throat last night.”

It was almost funny how Rin’s jaw hung agape.

_Matsuoka at a loss for words, that’s a first._

“You know what? I don’t feel sorry for you. On the contrary, I think you’re an idiot.”

“Wha…?” The redness in Rin’s eyes flashed with dangerous lightning. “Fuck you, Nanase.”

_I love you too._

_Forever._

“Because you seem to have forgotten why we started doing all of this in the first place. And for that you deserve everything you’re getting now.”

_You still don’t get it, do you?_

“And what is that supposed to be, you fucking _smartass_?”

Haruka was sure he could hear the screeching of Rin’s sharp teeth as he shrugged, and he finally let his eyes return to the man.

“Fun,” He said, waiting until the angry sparkle in Rin’s eyes turned to confusion. “Of course.”

And it was true, indeed. Because yes, Haruka did care about his times. About being fast, and good; about winning. A lot more than he thought was ever going to happen, to be honest. And seeing himself deteriorate like this – over a few short months to add – was making him feel all sorts of things. Like anger, and disappointment, and regret.

But that was not the reason why he wanted so desperately to swim, was it?

“Fun?”

“Yeah…fun,” Haruka said while rising to his feet again, and reached for the backpack. “So…I figured that since we both are not aiming for the winners’ podium anymore, we could just as well get back to that.”

He felt his face stretch into a small smile. Pulling spare jammers and the rest of the equipment out of the bag Haruka tossed it towards the still totally flabbergasted Rin.

“To having fun. Like when we were kids.”

It was just as good an offer of peace as any other, and when Rin tsked and smirked, Haruka knew he finally understood. His eyes darkened suddenly, though, and his chin motioned towards the bleachers.

“You wanna race in front of them?”

“So what?” Haruka shrugged. “It’s not like they’re going to see you again, Officer Matsuoka. It’s me who’s going to deal with them for the rest of the month.”

And there it was: that small, tentative smile Haruka so craved to see. Not one of those arrogant smirks, or feigned laughing, no. Just this one; a genuine, nice little stretch of lips, coming from within.

“You know, Nanase,” Rin said teasingly, before he took off a drenched jacket, and pulled his shirt over his head. “You could’ve just as well made this little speech outside. Without this show."

_No, I couldn’t._

“Uhm.” Both of their eyes snapped to the man, who stood behind Haruka, wearing a very amused expression. “Sorry to jump in, guys. But… are you gonna race here?”

And when Haruka’s eyes finally turned away from Hagino’s face, Rin’s mouth was curled into an ’o’ shape, hands with soaked-up jeans stopped mid-air to the wet pile at the side of the pool.

“No.”

“Yes,” Haruka corrected. “Would you time us?”

He wasn’t sure what amused him more. If the way Hagino’s eyebrows shot up over such audacity, or the horrifying expression Rin’s pale face turned into.

“Sure,” The tall man laughed after a while and motioned towards the bleachers with a whistle. “Akiha, get the stopwatch.” 

And while Hagino’s skinny best friend jogged away in the direction of the locker rooms, Haruka’s hand was being unceremoniously pulled down.

“What the fuck were you thinking, Haru?” Rin hissed under his breath.

“Uh, just one question,” Hagino interrupted their one-sided dispute, chewing on something per usual. “But I have to ask. Are you, by any chance, that Matsuoka?”

“Huh?” Rin’s eyes snapped to the man now standing beside Haruka, and he finally let go of his wrist. Haruka straightened up, massaging the bruising skin. 

“I mean, you look kind of different, but I think I know your face. The nationals last year? Two hundred meters butterfly?” A silence filled the seconds, without any sound coming from Rin’s gaping mouth. “So, is that you, or not?” 

Akiha halted beside Hagino’s tall frame, pushed a stopwatch into his hand without a word and jogged back to the bleachers. The Princesses laughed again over some inner joke Haruka couldn’t hear from the distance, but their curious attention quickly turned back to the three of them

“Well, ye-yeah,” Rin pushed out, at last.

“That’s cool, bro,” Hagino exclaimed excitedly, and reached down with his palm open. He waited until Rin smacked his hand, although reluctantly, and pulled him out of the pool.

At least he managed to change into the spare jammers before, Haruka thought with a chuckle.

“I’ve always wanted to talk to someone who knows his shit like you do. Man, that’s so _cool_ you’re here. I mean – wait. Don’t tell me you’re gonna race this one.” Hagino laughed out loud as he pointed at Haruka. “Dammit, guys,” he yelled back to the bleachers. “This is gonna be hilarious.”

And the man still chuckled as he patted Rin’s shoulder, and shoved him in the direction of the starter blocks with a small head shake.

“Come on, make him cry, and we’ll meet you outside for a beer.”

Haruka dared to glance at Rin’s face, and gave out a little laugh over the way man stood unmoving, completely astonished. This was amusing in more than one way.

“So, let’s go, your highness,let’s make a good show for them.”

And his face was still stretched into a smile as their feet tapped against the cold floor, leading them to the steps of the starter blocks. But when he looked to the side, Rin’s lips were once again pursed into a thin line, and not even the glass of the spare goggles he was trying to fit on his head could’ve hidden the nervousness in his red eyes.

_Not this, again._

Haruka sighed, annoyed to the brim, and in one swift motion forcefully smacked the back of Rin’s head.

“Loosen up, idiot.” 

Smirking, he watched Rin yelp and grasp for the goggles that fell off his cap.

“Fuck you, Nanase,” The man exclaimed, and kicked against Haruka’s calf, missing it by a centimeter. “ _Fuck._ _You_.”

Haruka laughed, and with one well aimed shove to the muscled arm Rin swiftly lost balance and staggered.

“You wish.”

Only when Hagino’s amused _’Hey, you two._ _Are you gonna swim, or what?’_ cut the stream of profanities coming out of Rin’s mouth, Haruka pulled his own cap over his hair and ran up the steps of the block with a snicker. 

“Better hurry up, Matsuoka. Not that you’re going to see my heels once I’m in, but…”

_I’m doing this for you._

The man huffed in feigned annoyance, too apparent how much he was enjoying himself.

“Better watch your ass, Nanase,” He said, taking his position on the starter block, muscles flexing under the warm light. “This ain’t the Bahamas, for sure, but I have a feeling there’s some sharks in the water.”

Haruka gulped down the laughter bursting out of his throat, and rather focused on bending his back and legs properly. And it felt way too natural to open his mouth again, and return the remark with an ease that was most definitely not something he was used to.

_And I would do it again, anytime._

“I’m pretty sure none of them would stand a chance against a dolphin. You know what they say about them, after all.” Pursing his lips to keep them from smiling Haruka felt his body tensing, waiting for the sound of a whistle. “That they’re far from their public image.”

And as their bodies simultaneously moved through the cooling air right into the arms of translucent water, illuminated by a clean, spring sun, he dared to feel it for a moment.

To let himself be submerged in the sensation of fluttering of an excited heart, of butterflies filling his chest. Of living to the fullest.

_For you, only._

Of being happy by Rin’s side for the very last time.

 

***

Exhilarating.

That was the only word that came to Haruka’s mind while his arms kept propelling him forward as if it was the most natural thing ever. Matching the wild pace of his pulsing veins, his fingers were shooting forward and pushing water back with strength he didn’t remember ever having.

_Water_.

He couldn’t, didn’t even try to hold back, once his feet pushed against the pool’s wall at the turn, and he was flying backwards like a sea bird. And he was not alone.

Rin’s toothy grin matched his own as they both turn their heads at the same time, movements mirroring each other perfectly. It was fantastic, it was _insane_.

_Water, please._

_Help him._

It was everything he dreamt of since that last time they had shared the water in Melbourne. This perfection of being united, connected through the most sensitive medium – as if his body didn’t end at the tips of his toes and fingers, but rather continued fluidly into the flesh of the man in the adjacent line.

_Water!_

Haruka yelled at the top of his lungs inside of his head, and a growl left Rin’s mouth as he pushed forward an inch.

_More._

And no, he was not going to let the man win easily, on the contrary. His chest ached for air as he pushed burning muscles to the edge, clenching his teeth. Never before Haruka worked so much to take the lead, as he did now. 

Because with every joule of energy that he squeezed from his body, Rin seemed to do the same, at the very same time.  He kicked stronger – Rin stroked faster. He inhaled deeper – Rin exhaled twice as much.

With every single move Haruka pushed the man forward, and then followed him like a shadow.

_More!_

He couldn’t stop it. Didn’t even want to try. The connection was there instantly as they dived in – a thick wire vibrating with erratically running electrons, stumbling one over another, fighting which one would reach its destination first.

Just as it was supposed to be. Just as it used to be before.

Just as Haruka _needed_ it.

_Faster!_

But now, though, as the wall was approaching with hardly imaginable speed, there was something else. Something that he would’ve never expected to find in the water. Its taste spread all over his tongue like a bittersweet candy as he gasped for air. It was new and it was raw.

It was terrifyingly exciting.

_It’s…_

The underlying current flowing heavily from Rin’s side: a strong, unleashed energy of an unfamiliar kind. Its beams kept shooting chaotically around Haruka, dashing from the long body every which way.

_It’s…amazing._

But whatever it was, it made Haruka’s body react automatically. Briskly transformed, it had become the machine set to receive those signals, turning them instantaneously into goose bumps on his skin.

_It’s as if he and I were…_

Light and ecstatic, it made his head spin and his heart skip more than one beat. Rich in taste on his throat, Haruka knew he had to finally admit it as his arm shot forward for the last stroke.

Because it wasstrangely, obscurely sexual in a way he would’ve never thought water could make him feel.

And it was unfair, really. Because with every new wave of joy and, yes, pleasurecoming his way, Harukaunderstood that once it was gone, he’d be willing to kill to feel it again. 

_It’s as if he was touching me._

If asked, he wouldn’t have been able to say when exactly his hand touched the wall. Or when Rin’s did, for that matter. He had a vague idea he lost the race, but he couldn’t care less.

Because it all had gotten lost in a whirlwind of loud, throaty laughter, the burning of his own lungs, and a sudden jolt of pain as his neck was being unceremoniously pulled. In the shaky way his body responded to the touch immediately, curling his fingers, and sending waves of blood into his cheeks.

In the loud smack that landed on his lips.

And, most definitely, in the unfamiliarly dark shade of red eyes once he dared to open his own.

_He’s feeling it too._

He noticed by the last functioning parts of his brain that Rin’s mouth was moving in a manner reminding him of words, but he couldn’t be sure. Because it was impossible to hear anything through the pulsing of blood in his ears; to see anything clearly through the thick, almost _erotic_ haze clouding his sight more than the glass of his goggles.

Haruka ripped them off instantly, trying to bring at least a semblance of reality to the scene taking place in front of him. But seeing what he saw now, it was impossible.

_I…_

Because Rin was _laughing_. Rin was grinning – that winning smile Haruka knew so well was plastered on his face. And it was everything he ever wanted to see there.

_I’d give my all to be yours right now._

The pain that hit him in the chest like a hammer was simply too much. And when a strong arm reached for him once again and tried to pull to bring him closer, Haruka almost didn’t make it through alive. His hand pushed against Rin’s chest, and he opened his mouth to speak.

_Don’t touch me._

“Don’t,” He pushed out breathlessly. “There’re people around.”

_Agony._

He watched with a throbbing ache how the perfect red eyes turned in one short second from overjoyed into sad. And if he wasn’t dead before, then the way the lines around those beautiful lips softened most definitely killed him at the spot.

_It’s agony._

It was impossible to expect it, so of course he didn’t see it coming when Rin’s hand, which wasn’t curled around his neck, pulled forcefully on his wrist and effortlessly removed the only barrier between them.

Bringing their chest flush together Rin chuckled, and a breathy, smiling voice found Haruka’s ear.

“I called it quits this morning.”

Haruka blinked, pulling away slowly. But Rin was just smiling that sweet smile again.

“I’m single, dumbass. You wouldn’t let me tell you.”

_Si-single?_

And he couldn’t stand it, then. Not with his chest cut open, not when the already familiar hole kept yelling at his dysfunctional brain. He just stared, unmoving and at a loss for words, stunned by the only word he never expected to hear from the man’s mouth.

_Single._

His mind kept repeating it, turning it into odd, sick mantra. And if anything, Haruka was sure no one, in the whole history of human kind, had ever been so shocked by five simple letters 

_Single_.

He didn’t know how long he stayed there, holding onto the starter block, patiently treading water under him. It couldn’t be very long, though, because Rin’s warm eyes turned away too soon, snapping to the only man Haruka didn’t want to see at the moment of this utter confusion. 

“Hagino,” Hirai yelled, striding along the pool’s edge towards The Princesses. “Tell me someone timed them.”

_Single._

_He’s single._

Haruka’s eyes finally followed Rin’s gaze, and only when they rested on the uncharacteristically serious faces of his teammates, he realized how weirdly silent the natatorium was. It was, indeed, as if someone turned the volume off with a remote control.

With quivering arms he pushed himself out of the pool, immediately followed by equally quiet Rin. What the hell were all those weird looks supposed to mean? Cold fear ran through his veins as the memory of Rin’s lips on his resurfaced.

From the outside it was just a friendly – even though overly-affectionate – winning kiss. Or wasn’t it?

Truthfully, Haruka didn’t care a tiny bit, if anyone knew _it_ about him. It was no one’s business but his. But Rin didn’t need added pressure on him, definitely not at this moment when his joy of swimming had been finally re-discovered.

Haruka clenched his teeth, ready to stand against anybody who’d dare to send a single stupid comment their way.

_Keep them coming, if you want to die._

But Hirai’s narrow face was back all too soon with a wary expression as he halted afar. His eyes kept flickering between the stopwatch and both of them, and when his rough voice cut the tense silence, Hagino next to him jolted slightly.

“Are you sure – like one hundred percent sure – that these times are correct?” Hirai asked the tall swimmer, his nail clicking on the display of the stopwatch. Hagino nodded reluctantly without giving them all a single look.

The rest of The Princesses slowly found their way around their little group, making a loose circle. They seemed to be listening closely, curiously scanning Rin’s face and body. Haruka more felt than anything else how the man straightened to his full height, bearing the scrutiny with ease.

_That’s my Rin._

“It’s better than yours at the Pan Pacific Championships, isn’t it?” 

Hagino’s face fell even more when his teammates and closest friends sighed in something akin to awe. He nodded once more and Hirai didn’t wait for anything else.

“What’s your name?” He barked at completely stunned Rin.

“Ma-Matsuoka.”

“Okay.” He narrowed his eyes. “ _Ma-Matsuoka_ , should I know you?”

Red eyes flickered nervously to Haruka’s own, and when he spoke, his voice was strangely silent.

“I don’t think so.”

Hirai hummed, clearly mulling over something, and Rin seemed to shrink under his stare. At last, the small man tsked and turned on his heel, darting in the direction of the stairs leading to his office.

“Dismissed. And you two lovebirds, in my office in an hour. This time not a _second_ later, Nanase, understood?” 

Haruka blinked, feeling the heat of Rin’s hand even through the good twenty centimeters that separated it from his own. All of the men around seemed to be astonished just as he himself was when he ran his eyes around the group.

All of them except for Rin, whose somber face turned away the moment he sensed Haruka’s stare.

 

***

 

Time and time again Haruka realized that silence was his biggest enemy.

It made the softest of sounds turn into full blast explosions, startling him like a frightened little kitten. He leaned his head against the wall behind the chair he sat on, and closed his eyes. It’d already been fifteen minutes since the two of them arrived, and freshly showered fell into the chairs in front of Hirai’s office, but the man was still out of sight.

And, what was worse, Rin seemed to have returned to one of his gloomy moods again. Haruka watched how long fingers kept pulling on the too short sleeve of his own spare hoodie. They stopped, only to start fiddling with the loose thread a moment later. And although the man was sitting still, his body was tense, bursting with nervous energy.

Indeed, Haruka decided, he loathed waiting.

“When’s your flight?”

“In two hours.”

He sighed, wishing to find words to say something positive and cheerful, when the sound of hasty steps coming from behind the corner vibrated through the atoms of the corridor’s suffocating air.  

“I’m here, I’m here,” Tatano announced breathlessly, taking long steps past them, and headed right for a door. “I’m so sorry you had to wait, boys. Let’s go, he’s waiting.” 

_What the hell is he doing here?_

_Wasn’t he supposed to be sick, or something?_

The three of them entered the office, and Rin’s reluctant movements behind Haruka’s back made him turn around to see what was taking the man so long.

“Where _the hell_ are Nanase’s papers?” Hirai barked at a greenish Tatano, thin legs poking out from under the door of a tall, metallic cabinet.

“I don’t know. They should be there.” The taller man’s face turned to Haruka as he motioned towards the chairs in front of the big table. “Sit down, boys, sit down.”

No, he definitely didn’t have good memories of the conversation that had taken place in this office not so long ago. The sound of Hirai’s sour voice filled his brain, making him lose track of the uninteresting blabbering about the folder that now peacefully rested in his locker.

“To hell with it. Forget the papers,” Hirai exclaimed, shut the metallic door with a bang, and wriggled finger in Rin’s direction. “Tatano-san, look at this kid. Does that face ring any bell?”

And with rising confusion Haruka realized this was why Hirai pulled sick Tatano out of bed: to help him sort this mystery out.

Instead of an answer Haruka’s coach just shook his head, looking slightly aghast. But that wasn’t the oddest thing happening at the moment, no. Because Rin’s fingers curled around the chair’s arms, knuckles turning white, and he seemed to be clenching his teeth harder than was humanly possible.

Something was very, very wrong, and Haruka had a strong feeling he was going to find out what it was quite soon.

“Damn, I was sure you were gonna tell me why I find him so familiar. You know every swimmer in this country better from my mother.” The small man pouted and rested his palms flat against the table surface. He observed them both, and Haruka was dead sure his narrowing eyes didn’t miss how Rin was quickly turning into a bunch of nerves.

_Calm down, Rin._

“We swam together at nationals, last year,” Haruka offered an explanation, trying to ease the tension filling the room to the brim.

“Nah, I think it’s something else.”

Hirai was clearly onto something here like a dog following a track, and what was happening in front of him was surely only confirming his suspicions.

_Rin, breathe, dammit._

“It’s your name, isn’t it? Do I know your name? Tell me. Is that so?”

Rin sighed, eyes firmly glued to the front side of the table. “Sir.”

“And what’s his name again?” Tatano asked, wiping his sweaty forehead. His skin was a solid, grey colour, and there was a soft quivering in the motion of his hands. He was definitely not fit enough to be here.

But as Hirai’s thin lips repeated one of Haruka’s most beloved words in the word, something almost imperceptible shifted in the room’s atmosphere. Tatano cleared his throat, all of a sudden looking very uncomfortable.

And within a short second that followed, Rin’s naturally pale face turned to ash-white.

“Uh, Hirai-san.” Tatano licked his colorless lips. “It’s…do you remember Troy’s…Troy’s assistant?”

Rin took in a deep breath, as if bracing for what was about to come, and slowly rose to his feet.

_Rin._

“What Troy?” Hirai’s eyebrows furrowed as he, just like Haruka, was obviously not following the track of words. But it took only a second or two for realization to hit his eyes. “Your friend Troy? That Australian asshole Troy Martin?”

Jumping up like a mountain goat he turned towards Tatano, who was awkwardly shuffling his feet, and exclaimed. “You’re not serious, are you?” He pointed his finger at Rin’s heaving chest and scoffed. “Really? Is _that_ him? This prick is the one who mangled Martin’s poor boy?”

_Wh-what?_

Eyes snapping to the heavily shaking Rin, Haruka knew that he the man was going to lose it. With his hands in hard fists and a guttural growl coming from his throat, Rin turned on his heel.

And faster than the wind, he was gone.

The door swung behind his wide back, and Haruka shot up, the need to follow too strong to be contained. But Hirai’s next words forced him to hold on.

“Shit, Tatano, of all the things I expected to find in my pool, it wasn’t this one. Come on,” He said cheerfully, waving at the man. “Put Martin on the phone. I have to tell him. He’s gonna die.”

Tatano sighed tiredly, obviously not sharing the excitement. “I don’t think it’s a good idea, Hirai-san. He’s probably busy at the moment.”  

“I don’t give a damn about busy. Come on, quickly, before that Matsuoka kid runs away.”

Haruka watched, completely stunned, how Tatano’s phone traveled from one hand to another, and then they all were waiting while the distant, deep sound of the call filled the office. Unintelligible words on the other side of the line preceded Hirai’s dry laughter.

“Martin, you listen to me,” Hirai said in English bearing a heavy accent, still grinning from ear to ear.

And only then the vivid memory struck his shocked brain – of the Skype conversation he took part in not so long ago in Tatano’s office.

_Troy Martin…of course._

The man on the other side of the line was obviously the one who had made him an offer to transfer to Sydney – the head coach of the Sydney university swimming team and, as of lately, the coach of Australia’s national team.

“Yeah, it’s Hirai, here. Shut up and listen. You’re not going to believe who was sitting in front of me a second ago.”

Haruka listened to the small chuckle before he spoke again, and the words that came out of his mouth didn’t make any sense at all.

“Matsuoka.” A laughter. “Yeah, exactly _that_ Matsuoka. Your fallen star, the one that you let get kicked out of the school. Who beat the crap out of your boy in front of the whole team and put him in a coma. Yeah, yeah, I know. I can hardly believe it myself. I knew I’d heard his name before, but Tatano-san had to remind me. Yeah.”

_R-Rin?_

_Beat the crap…?_

“Hell yeah. Listen, I just watched him swim the race of his life with Nanase. You wouldn’t believ- what?”

Nothing made sense anymore. Haruka felt his head spin, and he had to grab onto the chair’s backseat for leverage. It didn’t help at all when Tatano’s apologizing eyes rested on him, and then turned to the carpet under his feet.

_I can’t believe it._

First and foremost, the idea of Rin hurting anyone was not only completely insane, it appeared to Haruka that it simply _had_ to be untrue.

But the fact that this Australian coach Tatano had introduced him to – a funny, laid-back guy – was the one personally responsible for ending Rin’s swimming career, well, that was mind-blowingly unbelievable. 

Hardly breathing, Haruka observed how Hirai’s face swiftly turned from laughing through amused right into annoyed. Black eyes narrowed, and he seemed to grow slightly taller as he straightened up. 

“Why the hell should I kick him out too? Because you told me so?” A silence. “No. Yes. I don’t give a fuck what you think, Martin, I ain’t your dog to do as you please. An hour ago both the boy and Nanase broke the world record for 100 meters.”

_Oh my god, Rin_.

“Yes, in my pool, I saw it with my own eyes. No. Fuck, _no_.You know, Martin, there’s word going around about the way you treat your swimmers and how they end up after you’re done with them. Tatano-san tried to convince me it’s not true, but guess what? I think it’s very likely that’s what happened to the boy.”

Another silence was filled with nothing but Hirai’s glaring.

“ _What_? I’m not afraid of you. You go threaten someone else’s mother.”

Tatano, who up to that moment stood motionless at the wide window with a direct view of the natatorium, suddenly sighed and motioned for Hirai to come closer. The small man scuttled across the room with the phone still plastered against his ear, and looked down somewhere with a frown, in the direction Tatano’s forefinger was pointing.

Despite the thick haze clouding his mind Haruka managed to walk those few steps, and then he saw it with his own eyes. A few members of The Princesses and some other people, standing around the door leading to the communal showers, seemed to be curiously watching a scene inside of them.

One of the swimmers jumped in shock when something surprisingly reminding Haruka of a shower head flew his way.   

“I’ve got to go, Martin, it seems there’s one future medal winner trying to demolish my locker room. See you _not._ ”

With that Hirai threw the phone back into startled Tatano’ hands, and darted towards the door, as if his feet were on fire. And it was only a hundredth of a second later that Haruka’s eyes met his coach’s wide one, and then they were both running after him.

They made a beeline down the stairs, Tatano’s heaving heavily through sick lungs behind Haruka. Hirai might have had a faster start, but his legs were shorter, and Haruka was pretty sure his body had never moved so fast on dry land before.   

But the loud banging, which sounded an awful lot like a fist hitting against metal, had already stopped when the three of them got to the double door separating them from the locker room. A few curious swimmers gathered around it, peeking through the small window.

Hirai strode like Napoleon right through the hurriedly scattering group and burst in the room without a look back. But before the door swung back behind him, his commanding voice reached an astonished Haruka’s ears.

“You wait here.”

Clutching his chest and leaning on the knees, Tatano waved off the rest of on-lookers. Both of them were gasping for air as the man threw himself into the chair standing afar, but Haruka couldn’t do the same.

He was, in fact, pretty sure that no one in the whole damned universe had ever wanted to be somewhere like he _needed_ to be inside of that locker room. Standing by Rin’s side.

_Hang on in there, Rin._

 

Fifteen agonizing minutes later the door flew open, and out walked Hirai, raking fingers through his thick, short hair. Looking around he searched for Haruka’s face and sighed tiredly.

“Go get him some water. I’m afraid he’s gonna collapse from dehydration.” Another sigh, and then he muttered under his breath. “Damn, I swear I’ve never seen someone shed so many tears before.”

Haruka was sure he was back with a dewy bottle from the school’s automat in less than thirty seconds, which was quite possible according to the way Hirai’s face turned into amused once he jogged from behind the corner. The man was standing outside, obviously waiting for him, passing the time by talking to the still dangerously grey Tatano.

“Let’s go,” He ordered, and Haruka followed him into the locker room with a crazily beating heart.

And there he was: paler than ever before, with puffy, red-rimmed eyes and bleeding knuckles.

Smiling.

Haruka’s breath hitched in his throat at the sight, realizing once more how completely lost he was when it came to that little, dazzling move of Rin’s lips.

_I love you._

And it was the only thought his confused brain was able to come up with, despite knowing that Hirai could easily notice how stupidly he was staring, and how delicately pale cheeks were gaining back colour under his gaze.

_I love you so much._

“So.” Hirai cleared his throat uncomfortably. “I’ve already told Matsuoka everything. Nanase, you should know we’ve made a deal. It goes like this: Matsuoka goes home now to settle things straight, and gets back as soon as possible. _And_ , if the two of you manage to have at least similar results as you had today in upcoming qualification tests, I swear I’ll do anything to get you both to Qatar. And I don’t care if I have to sell my liver for that. I’m gonna personally prepare a training regime for both of you, and you,” He pointed towards Haruka’s chest. “You are gonna make sure Matsuoka adheres to the letter, no excuses that he’s on the other side of the sea. If this goes wrong, I’ll be on your damned neck for it. Understood?”

_Hah._

Haruka nodded, his eyes resting once again on Rin’s figure, now slumped on the bench with head between his knees. And he had a strange feeling it was more in an effort to cover the smile than anything else.

With a last sigh and muttered _’morons’_ Hirai walked past them both, patting Haruka’s shoulder.

“I’ve always known it was in there. Good job, kid.”

And suddenly there was no one but him and Rin in the whole, utterly empty room.

_I…_

Haruka lowered his head, not knowing what to expect now, when everything was said and done. How to wrap up everything that had happened since the moment he saw Rin standing on the other side of the street in front of that fancy restaurant.

How to say good-bye, and not break into a hundred pieces.

The soft murmur of a distant conversation was coming in through the door leading to the showers and further to the natatorium. It somehow helped to ease his mind, preparing it for the moment red eyes would be back on him.

And when they were, at last, all smiling and nothing but gentle, he reciprocated. How could he not, when the only man he’d ever loved had his dream back in his hands. And not that he fully understood what was going on, too many pieces of this puzzle were still missing, but it somehow didn’t matter.

What mattered, though, was the subtle, yet noticeable pain flickering around Rin’s lips.

Haruka felt himself quivering slightly as he made his way towards the bench, and sat down next to him. His elbow found its way against his ribcage and nudged ever so softly, but all that he got in response was another sad smile.

“So…Matsuoka’s back in the game, huh?”

“Yeah.”

_Please, Rin, just tell me already._

A thin ray of sun made its way through the quickly opened and closed door as someone entered the showers, drawing a yellow line on the blue linoleum and hitting Haruka’s eyes. It disappeared just as fast, leaving colorful stains on his retinas.

“You don’t seem too happy, though,” He said, blinking the pain behind eyelids away.

_When are you finally going to understand?_

A sigh.

“I am, Haru, I just-” And there they were again – tears running down the pale cheeks, although the man was trying his best to stop them, forcefully pushing the heels of his palms against his eyes. Haruka watched the man shake his head and curl into himself, obviously annoyed to the brim by this innate inability to contain the stream of emotions.

And he didn’t do anything at all to stop it. Because, for once, those tears weren’t the ones of destruction; not like his own had been this very morning. This time, they were cleaning. Healing the wounds of the person that thought he’d lost all of his dreams, and suddenly had them given back.

At the moment when everything seemed to be doomed.  

_I’m here for you._

Rin breathed in deeply, at last, and wiped his face with the sleeve of Haruka’s hoodie. “That…that was the fucking best, _most amazing_ race of my life, Haru. And all of this after…that’s even better, if that’s even possible. But…” Another inhale. “But nothing’s gonna change what I did. Nothing at all.”

Haruka’s hand shot up and he knew he had exactly no power against it when his fingers curled around the strong shoulder and squeezed.

“You mean the boy? Martin’s assistant, or something like that?”

_I’ve always been._

Rin’s eyes snapped up to meet his and Haruka’s heart broke once again at the sight of that incredible pain. And he let it happen, didn’t put any fight at all when Rin’s hand pulled on his own, still resting on his shoulder, and brought it down into his lap. No, he didn’t say a word even when long fingers interlaced with his own.

Because Rin needed to hold onto something, just as Haruka did last night. And it somehow didn’t matter that he himself was barely breathing, balancing on the verge of his own tears right now, because it hurt so _fucking_ much being touched like this.

Gently, lovingly.

_And I always will be._

“It was one of those shitty days, you know them, when everything pisses you off,” Rin said, and it seemed that once the truth started to come out, it was beyond his power to stop it until everything would be said. “He’s an irritating asshole, that kind that gets on your nerves even on the best, sunny afternoons. So he was being a prick, once again – nothing out of ordinary – instead of doing his job – which was, by the way, being Martin’s ass-kisser. But that day I…” Rin paused, as if regaining his courage.

Haruka squeezed his hand and held strongly, until the stream of words continued.

“That day at training I ended second-to-last, again. It’s like…I don’t know why…but every single fucking time I set foot on that continent I seem to hit a wall. I was a good-for-nothing on Martin’s team, Haru, and after that shit happened it had gotten even worse. Anyway…” He shook his head, as if trying to clear it. “That day I snapped. I didn’t want it to happen, trust me. But one stupid comment from the asshole’s mouth was all it took, and suddenly he was lying on the floor, blood everywhere…”

_Baby._

“I don’t think I’m ever going to forget how the pool’s water mixed with his blood,” Rin whispered, and Haruka felt through his hand how his body was shaking in a violent rhythm that matched his own. “It was bad luck, really, how his head seemed to fall exactly in the right angle against the pool’s edge. It was one of those things you wouldn’t expect to happen, but they do, anyway.”

_I love you._

With the fingers of his free hand Haruka started to draw little circles on the back of Rin’s hand, caressing fresh wounds on his knuckles, understanding for the first time in his life that sometimes you had to bleed, in order to start healing.

And he had to do something, to say anything at all, because the man had gotten lost in his own world again, not allowing Haruka to follow. So he dared to ask, although Hirai had sort-of given him an answer up in his office.

“How is he now?”

Rin sniffled. “He was in a coma for a week, but, fortunately, then he woke up.” But as he looked up, Haruka was sure something was going to follow.

And he was right.

“But he’s in the wheelchair, Haru. I put the man in the _fucking_ wheelchair. And it all happened because I can’t fucking swim a decent time to save my life.” 

When Rin sobbed again, and his head fell against Haruka’s chest, he let him. There was nothing else to do other than curl his arms around the wide back and hold strongly. And then, as inevitable as it was from the moment Haruka entered this room, he was crying too – tears of pain for this man, just as well as for himself.

_I love you so fucking much._

He was swaying them both, his cheek against the firm shoulder, not giving a damn if someone entered the locker room and saw them like that. They could think whatever they wanted. The two of them were together now – genuinely, _really_   together for the first time in ages. At last, they were not playing any games; all pretenses were being broken down like the weak walls that up to this moment separated them.

But no one came and roused their shared moment. And before long, even this river had dried up. And when Rin finally stopped shaking, and extricated himself from Haruka’s embrace, everything was different.

Inexplicably, permanently different.

Haruka nudged the man again with a small smile, and Rin gave out a little hoarse laugh, before wiping his nose with the back of his hand. And eventually he spoke again.

“Why is it that anytime we are together someone cries?”

_I really love you._

“Yeah,” Haruka said with a teasing smile and shrugged. “We’re pussies.”

The offended expression on Rin’s face was worth the world.

“ _Fuck_ _you_ , Nanase.” And when Haruka couldn’t help but laugh upon meeting red eyes, Rin smirked. “I could punch you just for that look in your eyes now.” 

“You mean my _damned, perfect_ eyes?”

And then an explosion of rich laughter shook the walls of metal lockers, Haruka’s world, and the universe filled by dreams he used to dream with this man in the leading role. Ones in which he could make him laugh like this each and every day of their lives.

And he kept his lips smiling, even when Rin’s suddenly weren’t.

Even when their faces were way too close, and gentle fingertips reached for his cheek.

_More than anything._

And as he leaned away just in time, and faced the disappointment and pain mirroring his own, it was okay. Because he finally understood something important: That, from now on, it was supposed to be like this – he and this man together, but never crossing that line again.

“So it’s true, after all,” Rin pushed out, voice thick with all sorts of emotions. “That you’re with him.”

Haruka sighed and closed his eyes.

“I’m not with anyone.”

_I always will._

“So it’s me, isn’t it?” A silence. “I screwed it all up for good, didn’t I?”

Haruka looked to the side, not knowing what to say or do. There seemed to be no answer to those questions, no matter how hard he tried to find them. But as their eyes met again, he felt his chest aching less. The blearing wound was being closed up slowly – it was still there, still demanding his attention. But the pain was manageable, allowing him to breathe.

It wasn’t as if he didn’t feel for the man, on the contrary. He was pretty sure this feeling could not grow anymore; that it had finally crossed any barriers between _’being in love’_ and _’really loving someone’,_ and now he was finally certain that he was never going to love anybody like he loved this person.

But it wasn’t all that important, all of a sudden.

Because if he learned something over the last few days of this hellish week, it was that they weren’t ready for this – whatever it was. Neither Rin, nor him knew what to do with it, or how to keep it alive.

It was burning, and it was unsteady. Way too fickle for them to hold onto. It was dragging them both through the darkest places, never letting them break the surface and breathe. And there was a possibility it was going to stay like that forever – that they were bound to never find out how to turn the bonfire into a small, gentle flame, that would be flickering for years.

And Haruka loved Rin too much to let them both burn to ashes.

As his mind ran to the amazing, funny moments before today’s race, he finally understood what they were in the first place: friends. So maybe that was the answer, after all: that what they needed was to stay being close, loving each other in this simple, uncomplicated way.  

“I’d rather like to hear where you have been all night, you moron.” Haruka sighed, and poked Rin’s slumped shoulder.

“Here and there,” The man muttered, too sad for Haruka to stand it. “Mostly walking around the streets. Thinking.”

“Smoking.”

Rin shrugged, ignoring the teasing smile sent his way.

“Come on,” Haruka whispered into silence. “You’ve got a flight to catch.”

Nothing happened for a solid while, but then Rin pinched his lips and stood up, silent and obviously completely exhausted. His hand weakly patted Haruka’s shoulder before he turned away and, without a word, headed for the door behind his back.

But he couldn’t, didn’t _want_ to let him go like this, thinking that he wasn’t important. Rin _had_ to be assured that, despite this protecting space that Haruka had to place between them, he was still the one he loved.

“Make sure you eat properly over there, Matsuoka.” He called over his shoulder. “You’re half of what you used to be.”

Of course it wasn’t true, and they both knew it the moment it left his mouth. But it served its purpose, and as the hasty steps behind his back brought the man closer again for the last time, he knew Rin understood.

Because there was a soft, almost imperceptible kiss placed on the top of his head, and then only a few words – a warm and thrilling promise.

“I’ll be back soon.”

  

And it was only when he was alone again – for the first time since this morning – that Haruka sighed and closed his eyes, finally calm.

Every single word of this day – what, of this _week_ – was said, every single thing was done. It was the end.

Or so he thought, until the memory of Rin’s still wet clothes, deposited for the time being in his locker, resurfaced. Haruka moaned, rising to his feet.

His backpack was there, just as his wallet was, and he simply _had_ to think about the photograph resting at the bottom of Yamazaki’s trash bin. It felt like it had happened two weeks ago, not this very morning.

“Nanase?”

Haruka’s face snapped towards the tall, frowning man, standing behind him, and with a resigned sigh turned back to locker. Pulling money out of the wallet, he pushed it into Hagino’s waiting palm.

But instead of the nod and quick exit that Haruka anticipated, the man just kept standing there, as if he turned into a statue.

“That’s not enough.”

_What?_

_It’s half of what’s in my account, idiot._

“It’s exactly how we agreed,” Haruka said through gritted teeth, and started gathering his things. But the man didn’t seem to be content with the answer, grabbing onto his shoulder.

“The _hell_ it is. I don’t remember anyone telling me you were gonna bring another Michael Phelps onto my team,” Hagino spat, his eyes burning with anger. “It’s one thing to help your friend, boost his confidence a little and the like, but it’s something else to drag Hirai into it.”

_You weren’t doing it for free, moron._

“Hirai wasn’t planned. I can’t predict everything.”

Haruka ripped his hand out of the grasp, and closed the locker door with a loud bang.

“You owe me much more than this,” Hagino said, pushing the yen into his back pocket. “And you’re gonna pay your dues when the time comes.”

_I don’t owe you anything!_

“You dropped something, by the way.”

The man pointed towards a folded piece of paper on the ground and with a nod and a dangerous sparkle in his eyes, he was gone.

Haruka shook his head, and with an annoyed huff picked up the thing off the ground. A strong jolt of his heart followed the thought that Rin might have put it into his locker while he was alone in here.

_A good-bye message?_

But as he unfolded the paper and his eyes scanned the contents, the world, which was finally starting to make sense, was back to its previous state of utter chaos.

It bore only two short sentences and a word, written in hasty, almost illegible handwriting.

_’Tell your mom to stop searching for me. They know. Dad.’_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well guys, it seems we’ve reached the end of the first part of the story! Yay!!
> 
> I think it’s safe to say it was one hell of a week for Haru. Now he’s finally going to get that desperately needed rest, before (how one of the commenter had put it) the shitstorm starts all over again. ;)
> 
> A little summary can’t hurt at this point, so...so far we’ve had a few embraces, even fewer kisses, and one wet dream/nightmare, which wasn’t even that wet after all, haha. Someone might say it’s pretty sad for a story with supposedly mature content. I sincerely hope you’re not too disappointed by such development. After all, it’s not the end of all days. ;))
> 
> Anyway, hopefully you’re not already bored by the storyline, and you’re interested enough to read next chapters once I’m back with an update, even though it’s not going to be anytime soon. I honestly hope that putting one finally single Rin, one heartbroken Haru, enamoured Sousuke, bitch ex-girlfriend, and the whole bunch of side characters together makes for a good fun. ;)
> 
> Like I said, now I’m going to fall silent for some time, because I need to focus on other things. But I genuinely want to get back to this story as soon as possible, since I can’t imagine living outside of Haru’s world for too long (I have no idea what I’m going to do once this story is all over...). 
> 
> Anyway, I figured I really needed to do something for you – as an apology – for making you wait so long. Therefore, on the occasion of Haru’s birthday, which is supposed to be on June 30th, if I’m correct, I would update with a special chapter. In it I would rewrite a selected scene from the story from the other character’s point of view.
> 
> I’m saying ’would’, because I don’t know if you’d be even interested in reading something like that. The selection of the scene and the character would be naturally yours. It’s not like I’ve ever written anything on demand, but I guess I can make an exception for you, because you’re such sweethearts to me all the time. And I’m telling you now, because I really don’t know if I’m going to come with new update before Haru’s birthday, and I need some time for writing both – next chapter and this special one. 
> 
> So, please let me know if you want me to do it, and your selection as well; either in comments or e-mails - it’s up to you. ;)
> 
> Well, I think everything’s been said already, except for thanking Mr. Murakami for writing an amazing short story I mentioned in this chapter. It’s called Super-Frog Saves Tokyo, you can find it in his book After The Quake, and it’s really worth reading.
> 
> Thank you all again, and take care!!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> Sooooooo, I’m finally back! It’s really unbelievable it’s been so many months already. I’m honestly feeling nostalgic. :) 
> 
> Anyway, let’s get down to work. The second part is going to be just as long as the first one, maybe even longer. So be patient with the storyline, everything has its precise timing and reason. 
> 
> With all my heart I hope you’ll like the second part at least as much as you did the previous one; I’m going to do everything I can to bring you the best I can. 
> 
> And you’re probably going to see that we’re starting off surprisingly light heartily, which is definitely not my style, haha. All I can say is – enjoy while it lasts. ;))
> 
> I’m working hard on the following chapters anytime I can, so I beg your pardon if it takes me a while to respond to your comments. But I most definitely will, and I’m already eager to read anything you have to say. Just like I always do. :))
> 
> In case you didn’t notice the whole fic is now edited, and it’s all thanks to the most precious marbled_maven. Like really, I can’t even explain how amazing, sweet and pleasant to work with this person is. Let’s just build her an altar, or something. ;)
> 
> So, guys, thanks for coming back to this story. Now sit back, relax, and let me take you for another ride. ;))
> 
> Enjoy!

Sleep never came easily to him.

As a young boy, lying alone within the depths of a big old house, it probably wasn’t anything strange, or out-of-ordinary. His grandmother was always there, though, and old wood squeaked reassuringly every time she turned in her bed, effectively lulling Haruka into slumber.

But three nights after Rin had left the country for the first time, Haruka had lain sleepless, staring at the white nothingness of his cracked ceiling. On the third morning his mother called, pretending to care about what the principal had told her about her son’s unfocusedness and weird behaviour in school. She said this and that over the phone as he stood there with the handle in his sweaty, shaking palm.

But it all had become an indistinct memory over time. As if he was told about that conversation rather than taking part in it.

Many days after felt that way, too.

The second time it was very much the same. Only he spent his nights wandering around the silent house, remembering against his will how strange and warm Rin’s wrist felt in his own hand after he had found courage to grab it in the deserted swim-club corridor. How stupidly it hurt seeing that dumb, stubborn boy cry down on his knees.

Maybe that was the first time a suspicion had crept in that he might not be the same as Makoto and other boys in the school.

On the fifth sleepless night, just as he had lain down on his bed, the decision to never swim competitively again had been born. And, finally, he dropped into deep sleep right away.

The third time Rin had left Haruka had already known what to expect – after all, he wasn’t a kid anymore. That night he had stopped by at the local konbini, bought their year’s supply of pencils and erasers, all the while trying to ignore the weird looks and wondering head-shakes of an aged staff.

Four days later he had pushed results of those nights into the trash bin, praying hopelessly to get a grip. _And_ to finally fall asleep.

That time, though, to no effect.

Now, _now,_ it wasn’t any different. For the sake of god Haruka couldn’t understand why his brain always ran the wildest when lights went down, pushing him into the weirdest places between dreams and reality. Places that felt like hell embodied, but always with a slightest tint of heaven.

Places like dark underground with madly flashing lights; the cold tile floor of an almost empty natatorium; a moon-lit room with a ticking sound filling his senses. Places that looked foreign to him once he put them down on paper, for some reason unable to get the pictures right with pencils only – as if the colours weren’t the only thing they lacked.

Places where he wasn’t sure if the feeling of lips against his own was just a product of his imagination, or an incessant memory, unwilling to let go.

And each time he forced to open his eyes and the feeling still lingered, Haruka thought with wonder and, yeah, embarrassment, how the lips of a man could be so soft. He had never kissed a girl, but that’s where he would have expected to find that kind of sensation.

Not on the face of a strong, powerful man.

Even now, sitting in a packed subway car with Nagisa’s small frame pushed to his side, he could do little against the urge to run his fingers over his own mouth. It didn’t make the feeling disappear, but it did earn a funny look from Nagisa’s ever-observing eyes.

Haruka sighed, pushing himself even further into the car’s wall, and forced his disobeying hand under the backpack resting on his knees. Forcing his eyes shut he listened to the whistling sound coming out of Nagisa’s right nostril and the soft murmur of the car, effortlessly galloping over the steel rails. Someone laughed way too close for his liking, and Haruka couldn't fight off a disgusted sigh when his or her breath touched the back of his neck.

It was on the sixth night that he admitted to himself he couldn’t sleep because he was _waiting_. Expecting that silent beeping of incoming e-mails, which never came at the same time during the night – not even every night – but they always came, eventually. Maybe he just missed the pattern, and maybe there really wasn’t any.

And Haruka told himself it was quite a heroic attempt to keep his phone on the coffee table every night before he went to bed, instead of sleeping with it like a total dumbass. But on the eighth night that he had failed to turn the volume off, and Nagisa’s pillow ended on his head with an irritated _’Haru-chan, I swear I’m going to throw it out the window’_ it was time to say it out loud.

He was not over it.

“Haru-chan, I’m _bored_. Talk to me, or something.”

Haruka’s eyes travelled slowly to his right, meeting puffed Nagisa’s face. Now, more than a dozen nights after he had seen Rin last, the warm reddish light of a late afternoon flooded the car’s room as it emerged over the city’s rooftops. He blinked a few times, still imprisoned in the sleepwalking state of mind he found himself most of the time lately. Even when Nagisa’s voice cut through the noise again, he wasn’t able to put his lips into motion.

“Oh, come on, Rei-chan. At least _you_ say something. I’m gonna diiiie here.”

“I can’t breathe.” Breathless words of squeezed Rei came from above their heads and Haruka watched, startled by the sudden movement, how Nagisa jumped up and tried to push his small body on his lap.

“Come on, Rei-chan, sit down. I can sit on Haru-chan’s knees.”

“No, you can’t,” Haruka breathed out simultaneously with their tall friend, both more shocked than annoyed. It was a joined effort, but thankfully Rei’s hand gripping on a slim arm and his own pushing made Nagisa’s ass sit back down. The pink-eyed boy leaned against the backseat, hands folded on his chest with an affronted expression.

“Oh, you’re both so stiff.” A sigh. “Anyway, why is the subway to the airport always so full?”

“Maybe if we headed off a little bit earlier, we could have picked an emptier car,” Rei said, and Haruka couldn’t fight a feeling that the comment went more to him than to Nagisa.

“Pft, not my fault.”

Haruka stubbornly ignored the insinuation hidden in the exchange. It wasn’t his fault everything took him so long now. He had been spending his days in a familiar dream-like state again, slow and safe, sheltered from reality by dullness and boredom.

Why were they trying to rip him out of it – _now_   of all times – when waking up was way too dangerous?

It would bring back all sorts of things he so didn’t want to think of. That he didn’t want to deal with.

Like, for instance, how the hell was he supposed to stand there and look into Rin’s face after everything that had happened between the two of them. After everything that had been said – or hadn’t been said – while Rin was away.

But it seemed to be too late anyway.

 _Rin_.

Even the simple sound of that name made all sorts of things rise up from his gut and clutch onto his ribcage. Rousing the feigned calmness his mind had swam in up until this moment.

The prickling pressure made him look away from the window and dig into the pocket of his jeans. With a sigh that was equally tired as it was irritated Haruka let his eyes run over the display, and for the time being ignored the itch of his hands, dying to reach for the notebook hidden in the backpack.

And it wasn’t as if he didn’t know exactly what to do once he stood there face to face with _him._ He had already set up a bunch of rules; a guideline that would lead his movements and words, until he got over it safe and sound – a silver line of the weirdest kind, yes, but still better then none.

_Don’t look at him for too long._

_Don’t get carried away if he smiles._

He ran over the sentences again and again, trying to memorize them by heart. He had to. Otherwise there was a very high possibility he was going to do the first thing that came to his stupid mind. Which, Haruka was pretty sure, would certainly be something very unfortunate and embarrassing.

_Don’t touch him._

_Don’t let him touch you._

Something like standing there like an idiot, not answering any questions coming his way. Or running away. Throwing up his whole lunch right there in front of everyone.

Or jumping right into Rin’s arms.

 

_From: matsuokar@gmail.com_

_To: nanaseharuka@gmail.com_

_June 1, 2014, 04:36_

 

Hey Haru, 

How’re you doing? We just got back to our place. Believe it or not the first thing Jane did was puke in the bathroom :D Would you believe that a grown-up can be so scared of flying? Okay, I have to make this quick, she’s gonna murder me if she sees this :D

I’m gonna go for a run now. See, I’m not slacking off, like I’m sure you thought I would ;)

P.S. I had some time on the plane, so I’ve put down a work-out regime to start me up. Can you go through it? You know how to open an attached file, don’t you?

\------------------------------------------------

_From: nanaseharuka@gmail.com_

_To: matsuokar@gmail.com_

_June 1, 2014, 04:52_

 

Rin,

Seriously, 30 clap push-ups? 50 pulls-up? A child would do better.

Make her peppermint tea.

How was your flight?

Haru

\------------------------------------------------

_From: matsuokar@gmail.com_

_To: nanaseharuka@gmail.com_

_June 1, 2014, 05:05_

 

Nanase, you piss me off so much, are you aware of it? :)

Where the hell am I gonna get peppermint tea at five in the morning??

Long, and boring. Good for lotsa thinking.

\------------------------------------------------

_From: nanaseharuka@gmail.com_

_To: matsuokar@gmail.com_

_June 1, 2014, 05:12_

 

I am. 

In a shop?

About what?

\------------------------------------------------

_From: matsuokar@gmail.com_

_To: nanaseharuka@gmail.com_

_June 1, 2014, 05:35_

 

This ain’t Tokyo, smartass ;)

The question’s rather about who

I’m off. Talk to you later, Haru-chan

\------------------------------------------------

_From: nanaseharuka@gmail.com_

_To: matsuokar@gmail.com_

_June 5, 2014, 05:12_

 

Rin,

I’m sending you Hirai’s training and diet plan. He says you should tell us if it’s too much for you. I told him you won’t last two days, but he insisted. 

I didn’t get anything from you for a while. Is everything alright?

\------------------------------------------------

_From: matsuokar@gmail.com_

_To: nanaseharuka@gmail.com_

_June 6, 2014, 22:04_

 

Haru, I swear, if you did I’ll make you pay for it once I get you in my hands. Painfully. That’s a promise.

Yeah, all is fine. Kind of. But I went to see Jared – you know, THE guy. He hasn’t pushed his nose through the door of his room once. But I gathered from what his mom said he’s not doing good. She said he has to go through these therapy sessions, which are painful as fuck, and he doesn’t speak the whole day to anyone after them. Haru, I swear, I don’t know what more to do. And I don’t even have money to help them somehow.  It’s all so fucked up.

Sorry to bother you with it. Just forget it. Thanks for the plan, btw. 

How are you doing? You alright?

PS I went to the uni yesterday, cancelled the application :))) feels sort of like a freedom :)

P.S2 Can I tell u something?

\------------------------------------------------

_From: nanaseharuka@gmail.com_

_To: matsuokar@gmail.com_

_June 6, 2014, 22:37_

 

Threats don’t work on me, Rin-Rin.

Just keep visiting him. He’ll come around.

I’m fine. Nagisa’s getting on my nerves, though. Like always.

When are you getting back?

Yes?

\------------------------------------------------

_From: matsuokar@gmail.com_

_To: nanaseharuka@gmail.com_

_June 8, 2014, 03:14_

 

Nanase, to hell with it! Are you messing with me, or what? Did u, or did u not tell Hirai that shit?!

I do visit him, dumbass. Everyday. But it’s hopeless.

I don’t know yet, it depends. I’m supposed to get back before 20th  when the tests start, right?

Does that mean you’re missing me, Haru-chan? :)

\------------------------------------------------

_From: nanaseharuka@gmail.com_

_To: matsuokar@gmail.com_

_June 8, 2014, 03:25_

 

Do you think I did? 

Keep bothering him. You’re good at it, after all.

I just want to know. Depends on what?

You forgot you wanted to say something.

\------------------------------------------------

_From: matsuokar@gmail.com_

_To: nanaseharuka@gmail.com_

_June 9, 2014, 05:14_

 

Maybe it depends on your answer to my question

I didn’t forget. I just don’t know if you want me to say it.

\------------------------------------------------

_From: nanaseharuka@gmail.com_

_To: matsuokar@gmail.com_

_June 9, 2014, 05:26_

 

So when are you arriving?

Then don’t say it.

\------------------------------------------------

 

“Haru-chan, don’t be nervous.”

 Haruka blinked, trying to decipher the meaning behind Nagisa’s knowing smile. Strips of warm yellow light danced over the boy’s face as he leaned closer and winked cheerfully. 

“I’m not,” Haruka said, hoping to keep his voice steady enough.

But it was futile, anyway. Because, _of course_ , Nagisa knew. And Makoto knew, and Rei knew. And probably everyone noticed he’s been acting like a complete idiot all day long. Hell, even his ever-caring mother commented this morning when the whole pot of freshly cooked rice ended splashed on the kitchen floor like a white surreal avalanche.

At least it looked like Makoto had placed Nagisa under a ban on any form of mocking for the time being, because even the cheerful boy kept silent while all of them were eating mackerel instead. But how the hell was he supposed to act normal, when it was happening all over again? When Rin was being, _well_ , Rin?

When Haruka was, once again, the only one not knowing anything?

He had thought of a hundred and one probable reasons for the persistent silence that followed after the last e-mail that he had sent to Rin. Like that he shouldn’t have teased Rin that much. That he, maybe, should’ve teased him more to keep his interest piqued more.

Like that Rin didn’t like his reply so much he backed down.

Like that it was all happening all over again, just as before. The two of them drifting apart until there was nothing. 

Maybe he should have let him say it, after all – whatever it was. Maybe he shouldn’t have been such a _damned_ coward.

But it was on the tenth night when he had understood why sketches in his notebook never showed anything beyond the beautifully lit garden, encircling mansion standing gracefully up on the hill. Why was it that his fingers refused to go any further, putting all those memories on paper. Because, yes, Anna’s father’s mansion was indeed meant to provide for the most beautiful scenes – with its perfect lighting, spotless shiny appearance, stunningly dressed crowd within.

Only drawing anything of it was impossible.

The realization hadn’t hit him like a train, suddenly and in an instant. It was a rather slow process, but when he hastily tapped that last e-mail and clicked the ’send’ button, it had finally become a little clearer.

That it was all for the very same reason he couldn’t have let Rin do what he had wanted to in the empty locker room that day he left last time.

So what?

So what if he was scared _shit_?

Of what was about to come now that Rin would be back. Of what was going to happen once Rin tried to touch him again. Of what would happen if he didn’t.

Of what would become of him if Rin never came back, after all.

_Of fucking everything._

And maybe it all wouldn’t be that difficult, if that dumb idiot hadn’t left him in the dark again. Or maybe if he, at least, did it properly, and just hadn’t sent those text messages last night. Haruka pushed his forehead against the cool window pane. He didn’t have to see those words again to remember. Their contents were etched on the back of his retinas by now. He wondered after how many rounds of reading he had finally earned the title of ’the biggest looser on the planet’.

 

 _Matsuoka Rin :_  

 _[U sleepin?_ _04:42_ _]_ **  
**

**_[Apparently._ ** **** **_04:48_ ** **_]_ **

_[_ _Dammit, Nanase._ _04:50_ _]_

 _[_ _You really arekilling me_ _04:51_ _]_

                                             **_[Are you drunk?_ ** **** **_04:59_ ** **_]_ **

_[_ _That all u wanna know? Nothing more?_ _05:05_ _]_

 _[_ _A few friensd were holding a party for me_ _05:08_ _]_

 **_[You should go home and sleep it off._ ** **** **_05:11_ ** **_]_ **

_[_ _I am going home, mummy. ’m sitting on a bus_ _05:13_ _]_

 **_[Alright._ ** **** **_05:15_ ** **_]_ **

_[_ _Haru_ _05:20_ _]_

 _[_ _U don’t wanna know but_ _05:20_ _]_

 _[_ _I’ll go ahead and say it anyway_ _05:21_ _]_

 _[_ _There. I said it I’m so brave._ _05:36_ _]_

 **_[You didn’t say anything, idiot. Are you home yet?_ ** **** **_05:38_ ** **_]_ **

**_[Are you home, Matsuoka?_ ** **** **_05:45_ ** **_]_ **

_[_ _yup. sleepin alrady_ _05:47_ _]_

 **_[Good night._ ** **** **_05:53_ ** **_]_ **

  _[Haru watches over me :) feels nice_ _05:57_ _]_

 _[Will Nanase wait for me at the airport tmr?_ _06:01_ _]_

 **_[What?_ ** **_06:10_ ** **_]_ **

**_[Matsuoka, damn you._ ** **_06:25_ ** **_]_ **

  _[Shit. Sorry, Haru. I fell asleep. Obviously I can’t keep anything from u :))_ _12:47_ _]_

 _[It was supposed to be a surprise. See u today ;)_ _12:49_ _]_

 

 

To say that Nagisa hadn’t been too excited about being woken up before six in the morning was quite an understatement. But he might have been glad it was just a pillow that ended in his face, albeit a bit forcully. Friend, or not, Haruka honestly thought that this little pest had already finished with secrets and games.

No hope, apparently.

The subway car hissed contently as the three of them stepped out of it onto the platform. How much time did he have until they stood face to face? Asking Nagisa would certainly get him an answer, but that was out of question. He was glad he was able to look at that boy without curling fingers around his neck.

Looking up at the bone-shaking sound of engines’ roaring above their heads Haruka fought the need to wipe the sweat from his face. Why the hell was it always so hard to control his body when it came down to moments like this? A plane crossed reddish sky so low it felt as if it was going to land right on the crowd.   

Was Rin in there?

“Haruka-senpai, we should go,” Rei said over the noise of the station and pointed towards Nagisa’s quickly distancing  blond head. “We’re already late.”

And he’d gladly obey, if only his legs didn’t think otherwise. Breathing shakily Haruka tried to rip his glued shoes off the platform.

But, damn, those two weeks were _not_ enough, not in the least, to think everything through properly. To go over what had happened during the short time of Rin’s last visit – the hundred times he did so still appeared too little. No, he still didn’t have an answer to what it all meant. Because, yeah, something like _’single’_   might have been said that day in the natatorium, but what kind of consequences were hidden in that simple word for the two of them? And was it still true, anyway? Who knew what had happened during all that time that Rin was out there.

Alone with _her_.

“Haruka-senpai! Hurry up.”

New crowd burst from another car behind his back, forcing him to take a step forward in the direction of the station’s exit and towards the stairs. Why was there no strength in his jelly-like legs, all of a sudden?

And why, _damn_ , everything around seemed to be instantly so full of colours? Haruka’s fingers curled painfully around his backpack’s strap as his eyes met Rei’s waving figure at the top of the stairs. Yeah, it must have been nothing else but his own brain, flooded by adrenaline, that were making everything look so different. How else could such a change happen in the span of a few seconds since he left the subway door?

And, yeah, he could feel that already familiar fear swirling at the back of his body – twisting painfully along his spine, crushing fragile vertebrae in a vice grip.

But then, once again, someone spilled cans of colours all over the things and people around.

On a tall girl’s vividly red lipstick; yellow oranges on the flickering lit-up juice advertisement that hung on the dirty wall; even the grey of the concrete station’s floor seemed somehow richer all of a sudden. They hit his mind like bullets, kicking stubbornly sleeping heart into action.

A tall boy’s violet sweater burned his retinas as his shoulder met Haruka’s own forcefully, making him fight for balance. As the boy yelled his apology over the shoulder, Haruka blinked in confusion, an awakening finally kicking in.

And it wasn’t just the feeling that everything felt weirdly, unusually real which shocked him so much as he rushed up the stairs after his friends with a wildly beating heart.

It was the realization that this kind of world wasn’t actually new to him.

He knew it well enough – had had the taste of it numerous times before – everytime Rin had fallen into his world before. When he finally reached the main hall, and broke into a mad spurt in the direction of Nagisa’s blond curls, Haruka knew that e-mails weren’t the only thing he was waiting for all that time during long night hours.

_He’s here._

It was blood rushing through his veins. It was the way his mind unfolded fractured light on the metallic railings, tables and trash bins he passed on his way. It was vertigo that wasn’t at all caused by the view below the balcony he ran over like a mad man.

It was the beautiful craziness that only one person in the whole wide world could bring into his life.

He could almost feel it in the very tips of his fingers and madly contracting lung muscles. On suddenly strangely tingling lips.

_He’s really here._

The figures of his friends were getting smaller with every second, but it was easy to spot them among the colourfully dressed people now that his senses were alive again. Haruka felt the strangest kind of strength in his legs again as he tried to weave through the thick crowd moving slowly towards the ’Arrivals’ hall.

One more stairs; the last never-ending corridor.

And he was hardly breathing when his feet halted next to equally heaving Nagisa and Rei under the giant sign hanging above their heads.

“We’re late.” Rei muttered, leaning on his knees.

“No, look,” Nagisa pointed at the sign with a shaking finger, pushing his other hand to his chest. “The gate’s just about to be opened.”

They were hardly the only ones waiting for the wide metallic door to slide to the side. A group of bodies blocked his view, and Haruka fought the need to stand on his toes. The bright, red light of an early evening drew lines through the airport’s hall as he tried to recall the rules that were supposed to get him through the day.

_Come on._

_How did they go?_

Haruka raised his face to the glass wall and swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. But there was nothing but an empty brain, unable to focus on anything else but dust particles floating in the light beams, glittering in the air in front of his eyes.

And maybe it was for the better that he didn’t have time for thinking. That where in one moment was nothing but whispering of an impatient crowd, in another one the gate was opened.

Out flooded the smiling passengers of Rin’s flight, looking out for someone waiting for them. And Haruka thought he must have certainly forgotten how breathing worked. Because even when Nagisa’s voice overshot the deafening beating in his ears, everything he was able to do was stare onward like a statue.

“Come here, Haru-chan.” Nagisa’s face was way too serious when his hand rested on Haruka’s forearm and turned him quickly, yet gently around. But a warm, small smile spilled all over it once his fingers ran expertly through Haruka’s hair and then quickly smoothed the collar of his sweaty shirt. “There. That’s better. ”

He honestly wasn’t sure why he didn’t feel an ounce of annoyance upon the ministration. The short man was bouncing on his legs, bursting with energy between Haruka’s and Rei’s tall frames in a rhythm reflecting his own pulse. Maybe it was gratefulness he was not in this all alone.

Maybe he just wanted to look good for Rin – stupid as it might be.

And all of a sudden, he was there.

Loaded with heavy bags all over, bent under their fine weight. Looking way too cool for it to be believable with headphones around his neck and red hair hidden under the baseball cap that Haruka had seen a few times before – but never liked. Because, damn, how could something battle with _that_ shade of red?

His eyes were hesitating under the bill of a cap, shining with something like tentative hope as they searched the people waiting around. And in a moment of complete madness Haruka felt his own hand rising into the air above his head.

_Here._

_I’m here._

And suddenly he could feel it all over again: that warmth, making him forget where that stupid hand of his went – he somehow couldn’t give a shit if he was still standing there like a dumbass frozen in time.

Because Rin was looking right at him, his lips instantly stretching into wide smile that threatened to meet on the other side of his head.

Haruka wondered how long it took his own mouth to reflect the grin, surely looking much more stupid with his unused face muscles.

_Still so beautiful._

It was pretty futile attempt to fight the feeling once he was caught again in the net that was Rin’s electric smile. So when the man nodded and headed his way with long, confident strides, Haruka didn’t even fight it.

He only blinked stupidly, letting his chest fly up into the air-conditioned space above them like a paper kite flapping in a strong wind.

“Hey,” Haruka heard someone say, and it surprisingly sounded like his own voice.

A nod.

“Hey,” Rin whispered warmly into the clamor around, but it was just alright for Haruka’s ears. “You’re here.”

And while the stupid cap travelled to Rin’s back pocket, and the sea of red flooded Haruka’s senses, he could barely notice anything beyond the way his breath smelled nicely of apple juice. And beyond the way red eyes flickered down to his own lips and back – a weird, unknown urgency forcing his hands to curl into fists.

Haruka didn’t dare move a brow as heavy bags landed one after another at his feet, and suddenly he knew what was about to come. Rin’s mouth opened as he seemed to take a breath.

He knew somewhere in the back of his mind that the man stood way too close; that he was, indeed, mounting over him in a hall full of people.

People who might not react too well on two idiots kissing each other like nuts in front of everyone.

But he somehow didn’t give a single fuck as he took that last step of his own accord, remembering vaguely there was some set of rules about not touching – or hugging, or some other shit – who would remember.

A short happy exclamation came from somewhere behind his back, sounding a lot like Nagisa’s, mingled with Rei’s amused chuckle. But who would care when burning ocean waves were crashing over him like a damn tsunami.

And it would have been all perfect – a movie-like moment Haruka would appreciate later once his heartbeat slowed down to its normal rhythm.

But of course it wasn’t. It took only one quiet calling of Rin’s perfect name, and Haruka knew everything was screwed.

He watched, bewildered, how that shining face turned quickly away, strands of soft hair tickling Haruka’s forehead in the process. And then Rin smiled again somewhere into the crowd. It wasn’t the same, though. Because this time there was pain in it – so palpable that Haruka’s stomach constricted with his own.

 _Of course_   she was there – he didn’t have to turn his head to confirm it. But when he did, in the end, there was a mixture of blond and shiny black hair in his field of vision, as two girls stood afar in a vicious embrace. And Anna’s blue eyes were on them, while she hung on Jane’s small frame – full of unshed tears, glistening in the gentle evening light.

As on command Haruka took a step back, returning to the place he shouldn’t have left in the first place. And he almost believed it was a huge information table that fell off of the wall right onto his head as something crushingly heavy stole the rest of air from his lungs.

And the shaking fear was there all over again, forcing him close his eyes. Because Rin was in Anna’s arms when he opened them again, and it didn’t matter that the red eyes were still glued on Haruka’s face, apologetic and somehow longing.

Because he was supposed to be in Haruka’s instead, and he simply wasn’t.

He didn’t get it; didn’t want to think about what it meant. It was supposed to be a start of another chapter now that Rin was back, no matter how much Haruka didn’t want to think of it that way. Why the hell did it always have to be like that: each beautiful moment stolen unfairly from his hands as if someone ripped the concrete floor from under his feet?

No, it wasn’t supposed to be like that this time; it was supposed to be _better_ , now that he had held Rin so close in that empty locker room. Now that they’d moved forward a tiny bit.

And maybe he didn’t know what to do about it all while Rin was away, with only e-mails to keep his mind occupied during long night hours. But having him this close a moment ago, it felt so natural that Haruka understood there was only one way this could go.

Nagisa hung on his right arm, whispering angrily into his ear, and Haruka fought the need to wipe away disgusting wetness that landed on his cheek.

“Did you know she stayed in Tokyo, Haru-chan? I though she’d left with Rin. That’s so-”

“Nagisa,” Rei’s gloomy voice came from somewhere close, but why would scolding stop the pink-eyed brat now, when it had never worked before? The stream of words went on without noticing how fucking worse it was making the situation.

“He never mentioned _anything_ like that. I knew Jane was supposed to come back with him, and I told Mako-chan, and then he didn’t wanna come with us, and _oh my goodness_ , Haru-chan, I swear I didn’t know she would be here, waiting with us!”

“Get off me, now.” Haruka tried to get rid of the hyper-excited blond, but he was worse than a leech.

At last Anna’s arms fell off of Rin’s neck, and Haruka watched the man rake his hair nervously as he spoke to the girls, still throwing glances towards their little pitiable group. And then he was striding back, jaw muscles contracting, right hand scratching the back of his neck.

“I’m sorry, guys,” Rin rushed to say, making Haruka want to slap his own face for hoping this would end up differently than he knew it would. “I have to take them home. But we’ll see each other later tonight, okay? Deal?”

And it was so fucking unfair the red eyes hung solely on Haruka’s face, hopeful and waiting impatiently for an answer. As if he was the only one whose response mattered.

So he nodded, finally looking away – what else was he supposed to do? Only the burning behind his idiotic eyes was the prize.

“Whaaat? And what are we like...supposed to do now?” Nagisa exclaimed at Rin’s distancing back, and it was obvious he wasn’t the only one disappointed as a heavy sigh came from Rei’s side. “How could you ditch us just like that? We came to collect you here. That’s-”

But Rin and his bags were already gone by the time Nagisa’s outburst faded away – he was still looking back their way, though, and his mouth was opening with silent apologies again and again.

“Haruka-senpai, you’re going to meet your mom as you said?” Rei’s voice cut the long awkward silence that followed after Rin’s and the girls’ figures disappeared behind the tiled corner.

A nod.

“Very well,” Rei stated, and Haruka envied him that calm state of mind. “Nagisa and I will find something to do for a few hours, and we’ll meet you later in the city.”

“Alright,” He said, trying not to think of the way Anna’s face lit up when Rin joined them again. But the picture was there, adding anger into the mixture of crazy things swirling inside of his chest.

_I’m so stupid._

It took two weeks of Rin’s absence to settle things down a little. To fall back into a comfortable routine, conveniently pulling him down under the surface of every-day dream. But it would take far more than two months to forget how idiotically close he was mere _minutes_ ago to falling back into Rin’s arms as if nothing had ever happened before.

As if they were nothing more than two ordinary people, having started an ordinary love affair.

It would never be like that between them, would it?

But when he thought of it later, Haruka didn’t know if it was the surprised, amused yelp coming out of Rei’s mouth or Nagisa’s astonished cackle, which accompanied the sound of his own name, that made him look up from the concrete floor, leading him to the hall’s exit. But one thing was sure.

He did not see it coming when long arms curled around him from behind, pushed forcefully air out of his lungs, and bent him forward a little.

“I missed you,” Someone whispered breathlessly in Rin’s voice as if after a long run, warm lips way too close to Haruka’s left ear. “That’s all I wanted to say. For now.”

Then, in a hundredth of a second, the soothing pressure was gone again, replaced by the sound of fast, light steps. Only the warmth still lingered in Haruka’s clothes as he turned around, wishing to know how to not melt upon one stupid gesture.

_Damn romantic idiot._

“Hey! I want a hug too!” Nagisa exclaimed towards Rin’s distancing  body.

All of a sudden there was a light, shaky sigh falling out of Haruka’s own mouth, attracting the attention of his friends back to him. And he had to hide his face from their wide grins behind the safe shield of his hands.

“Let’s go, Rei-chan,” Nagisa laughed out loud. “I think someone here needs time alone. See you later, Haru-chan.”

With a wink they were gone, leaving him alone in the middle of a crowd.

And when that weird, beautiful pain in his chest didn’t want to ease a bit no matter how hard he pushed against the quickly forming brand new smile, he realized the waiting was over.

He was back on the rollercoaster, and he loved every fucking second of it.

***

The sun had already set down behind rooftops by the time he made it to the Ginza building. The last remnants of the day brought clouds up on the west sky alive, reflecting them in glass mirrors of skyscrapers’ windows. Tying Haruka’s eyes up high above the crowd.

The big shopping mall towered over the wide square, pulsing with life in a mad rhythm as Haruka meandered among the people. Just like him, all desperately trying to follow the zebra crossing on the ground, but it was barely visible under the hundreds of feet.

It was impossible to keep a single clear thought in his mind between the howling of cars, pushing the endless stream of walkers out of the road, and the annoying giggling of young, typical _’Tokyo’_   girls behind his back.

Mainly above his own fast heartbeat.

As he reached the heavily lit-up entrance of the mall, Haruka was sure the noise and artificial light around had robbed him off at least a few years of his life. It didn’t add to his peace of mind that the girls, as it turned out, followed him up to the mall’s glass gate. The silly group anchored no more than five feet from him, apparently waiting for others to join them. They were having fun, alright.

And watching them from afar, Haruka could feel the change happening.

Anytime before, when he would’ve been standing here, all alone and observing others’ laughing faces, he would’ve wished to be in their place. He would’ve wanted to feel light and young, too. He’d done it too many times to count.

Now he didn’t have to.

Now, he was young, younger than he’d ever been before. Lighter that those clouds above the skyscrapers’ rooftops.

With a shaky sigh, Haruka fought against the idiotic urge of his lips to stretch wide over his face once again. It was a war long lost, though, as he realized around halfway through the subway ride, watching his own reflection in a mirror-like black window. The longer he had stared at his own face, the stronger the need became.

Because Rin was back.

And Rin _missed_ him. 

_He missed me._

There simply wasn’t a power in this world able to make him think of anything else at the moment. None at all.

“Oh, wake up, already.”

His mother stepped in front of him, looking annoyed as she stomped a cigarette butt into the ground, making him blink in surprise. “I called for you more times than I can count.”

 _He missed_ me _._

Haruka merely shrugged, once her presence distantly registered with him, and followed in her steps when she seemed to be finally done with deadly staring. Dragging his feet behind her he wished to somehow can the feeling, which occupied his fluttering chest, into a glass jar.

So he could have a taste of it later, anytime he wanted.

And, no, he wasn’t particularly paying too much attention to her meaningless blabbering as they walked pass the shiny shops’ windows. So when she suddenly stopped in her tracks, it took Haruka a good few seconds before he caught up. Her lips pursed with irritation, and judging by the long, heavy sigh she gave right after, it was obvious he wore quite a dumb expression on his face after finally turning around and meeting her eyes.

“You’ve been completely useless since this morning.”

She gave her head a little shake, but for some reason it didn’t sound like the scolding Haruka was already used to. Unfortunately, what she was saying was way too uninteresting to cut through his moony state of mind.

“ _Haruka_.”

“Huh?”

His eyes widened as she strode towards him like a train. He took a step back, anticipating the worst, but it was too late to run or hide. Yet there was nothing but her eyes, piercing and suddenly too close.

“Can you try to focus at least for a while?” She shook her head a little again, and, shockingly, there was the slightest trace of smile in her eyes – for some reason disturbingly knowing. She kept staring at him for a solid while, making him shift from one foot to another uncomfortably. But eventually she turned around and walked away. “Let’s go, I think we should start with you.”

“Me?” Haruka managed to push out, blinking through the haze.

_What did she say again?_

“Yeah. You, Haruka.” His mother said somewhere in front of him, and to his big surprise gave a short chuckle.

Heading into the left part of the mall’s passage she kept throwing glances over her shoulder, as if to make sure he hadn’t gotten lost on the way while following in her steps like a sleepwalker. And he wondered, perplexed, what was so funny that it made the hard lines of her face soften around edges.

Soon enough she stopped, and with the very same observing expression glued on his face motioned towards shops.

“I think this one has good enough suits. Not the best, of course, but one can do only so much in a place like this. We don’t have time to look for a proper tailor.”

Haruka blinked, and like in a dream his eyes travelled up above the shop his mother stomped into. The giant _’Armani’_   characters above the shop shone to the passage, followed by their original version. Judging by its shiny and elegant windows, it was probably the most expensive of all around here.

“What?” He asked stupidly, not following her small frame now that she headed towards the counter. A petite shop assistant straightened behind it and smiled sweetly. “A suit?”

What the hell would he need a suit for? High school graduation was long behind him and he was still just a freshman at the university.

“Of course a suit. What else do you think you’re going to wear to opera? I don’t intend to be ashamed by those lousy clothes of yours.”

He felt his own eyebrows rise up to the ceiling. Welcome to ridiculous women’s brain again, Haruka thought. This was apparently yet another stupid idea that had grown inside of his mother’s head, nothing more.

He searched the assistant's smiling face for help with understanding, or at least for some sort of explanation, but of course there was none. The girl seemed to be equally uncomfortable by their exchange, though, as she said her _’welcome_ ’ to them. Her smile faded away a bit as her eyes met Haruka’s, and her hand nervously reached for the long strand of her apparently dyed, almost white hair, that hung over her shoulder. She tugged on it, lowering her eyes to the counter’s desk.

An opera?

 _Me_?

_I’d rather eat both my legs._

Haruka turned on his heel, understanding hitting hard that he should’ve expected that the shopping wasn’t going to be innocent mother-son bonding time. Why the hell was he still anticipating something she was obviously unable to do?

“I’m going to look for a swimsuit.”

“Wait,” She said somewhere behind him, voice raised, and he would swear there was panic shaking it a little at the end. “Haruka, please.” He stopped, wishing to be able to _not_ notice these kind of stupid details in human behaviour – just like any other normal man – and, despite himself, waited for her to continue.

And there were less than few things she could say to make him turn his head around, but as she spoke again in a voice gloomy and somewhat disappointed, Haruka knew she managed to find one.

“I knew you wouldn’t care about my birthday at all, but I honestly thought you could do as much as take me out.”

She looked slightly older without that familiar stern expression of hers, when he finally relented and with a sigh turned to her again. Haruka knew, was pretty sure even, that it was nothing more than one of her emotional blackmailing methods once again. But it did seem like the sadness was genuine in the way she held her lips pursed.

The loneliness that floated around her slightly hunched shoulders seemed that way too, making his insides twitch.

Reminding him too much of himself.

 _Damn_.

It wasn’t as if he didn’t remember the date, because he _did_. But if he wanted to be honest, he hoped her birthday would pass just like all of his own had during all those years. With a birthday card and simple words of congratulations – this time adding a handshake, fine, since they weren’t on opposite sides of the world for the first time since he was a small boy.

She seemed to hope for something else, though.

“I don’t need a suit,” He said, at last, taking slow steps towards her, and tried his best to ignore the way the assistant eavesdropped on their awkward conversation with obvious interest. The girl seemed to realize it once his eyes met her black ones again, and lowered her head with cheeks even redder than before. “I have one.”

“Tch.” His mother shook her head unbelievingly, a small winning sparkle lighting-up her brown irises. “You mean that piece of cheep trash in your closet? Don’t make me laugh, Haruka.” And as he rolled his eyes and her lips quirked into an almost invisible smile, the atmosphere felt somewhat lighter again. She sighed, walking past him, and said in a voice silent, words meant only for his ears. “And don’t worry about money. It’s going to be my night, so it’s also my treat.”

She walked by his side with her head high as they followed the girl into the back of the shop – he would’ve sworn she thought she had just won a fight.

This time he couldn’t care less, though.

Because there were a lot more important things to think about while he stood in the shop’s changing cabin. Conversation of an overly nice assistant and his mother flew behind the curtain without a single word touching his mind; distant and uninteresting. He simply couldn’t manage to pay attention to any of that. Not when time was moving forward, slowly and steadily, leading him to the moment he was going to meet _him_ again.

But for now, it was just Haruka and his own face in the tall mirror of the cabin. Watching the blueness of his eyes reflecting back at him, they looked somehow more lively, indeed. Twinkling and a little hazy – they didn’t even seem like his own.

_Is this really me?_

Maybe it was then, in a short moment of lucidity, when it happened: his hands stopped instantly on the snowy white collar of his shirt as a sensation of a deadly punch appeared in the depths of his gut, robbing him of air in his lungs. And Haruka watched firsthand in the mirror as his face fell down, returning into its almost normal state.

Because the way his own eyes sparkled reminded him of someone else’s.

The picture of Anna’s teared-up face at the airport emerged at once, just the same as the way Rin ran instantly into her arms. Like a damn lost puppy returning home. Haruka drew in the heavy hot air of the cabin, feeling his head spinning – this time for reasons different than Rin’s presence.

But no matter how he tried to not let his brain go this way, it was a one way ride.

The memory of the night spent at Yamazaki’s crept in like a ghost, followed by the happenings of the night that preceded it. Hollowing and making cold sweat rise all over his skin. It seeped through the layers of the fine fabric, ruining the brand new shirt that most probably cost more than his annual income. Haruka raked his hair, praying to put a stop to it right _now_.

Yet the pure joy that had a hold of him since the moment the man’s arms curled around him so tightly was already being corrupted by irresistible thoughts of upcoming doom.

He was more than grateful for a familiar flat voice to come from behind the curtain, ripping him of the dream turning quickly into a nightmare.

“Come outside, I want to see.”

His hands shook a little as they tried to fasten the buttons of the vest in front of the bigger mirror outside the cabin, and it wasn’t because of the heavy scrutiny of his mother.

Haruka knew he wasn’t stupid – at least not anymore, after what he had been through. Damn it if it didn’t feel real, didn’t feel _natural_   when he had Rin so close, leaning over him like in that scene of the movie they had watched together in a cinema. When only that kiss remained to turn his life into a replica of a fairytale.

But didn’t he know Rin well enough by now to build castles in the sky based only on the way the man stared at him wide-eyed? Hadn’t they gone through something similar before? Hadn’t it all turned out catastrophically in the end?

How many times, dammit, had he already had his fingers slapped only because he so recklessly reached out for the man? How many times was it going to happen again?

Jittery unease pushed his heart into a quicker pace, making him more than grateful when his mother stood in front of him, buttoned the vest with fingers firm and steady, and smoothly helped him into the jacket.

“Well,” She muttered silently, observing him in the mirror. There was a long pause before she spoke again, voice silent and uncharacteristically nostalgic.  “A dark blue really does suit you.”

Dammit, Haruka thought, while the young looking assistant suddenly stood to his side and startled him. The man wasn’t in the city for more than two hours, and his mind was already running downright crazy.

“May I?” The girl asked, meeting his eyes in the mirror for a fleeting second before lowering hers again. Haruka shrugged and nodded, feeling slightly uncomfortable when she shyly placed her hands on his shoulders. “Could you-” She started with voice unsteady, not moving her palms an inch. “Could sir, please, stand straight with arms relaxed by side?”

He obeyed, fighting a sudden wave of irritation. He didn’t need any explanations; didn’t have the slightest idea, nor had he an interest in what the proper suit should look like. Just seeing himself in such formal clothing felt like a bad joke; it was so not him it was truly laughable. 

“You may see the shoulder lies flat. The seam on top is the same length as the bone under it, and it meets the sleeve of the suit right where your arm meets your shoulder. Just as it should be. There is no need for adjustments here.”

She seemed to shortly hesitate before her hands disappeared, only to re-emerge under Haruka’s arms. The touch was almost imperceptible, but it was still weird to have someone touching him. Someone other than, _well_ , Rin.

She blinked a few times, as if trying to focus again, and Haruka’s eyes shot to his mother’s amused ones.

What the hell was with the girl?

“But you may also see, sir, the jacket doesn’t close over your body nicely.” Haruka let out a sigh, barely containing the need to push her hands, which now travelled around his torso, away.

“The buttons strain a little. We need to find a different design. For-” She halted mid-sentence, swallowing thickly, and startled him with yet another sudden movement as she moved in front of him, unbuttoning the jacket. “For wide shoulders and a waist slim as sir has.”

Haruka blinked in surprise as her small face turned up to him, wearing a shy, but most definitely meaningful smile. And, finally realizing – like the dumbass he truly was – that the girl was hitting on him, he just prayed that the horrified feeling didn’t show that clearly on his face.

“Fine, let’s find another one.” Haruka’s mother jumped in, making the girl’s body jolt at the sound of her impatient and annoyed voice. “I’d like to change the shirt, too. There are stains on the sleeve.”

 _Thank god_.                    

“Oh,” The assistant said, at last, lowering her head. “I’ll be right back, then.”

And, meeting his mother’s raised eyebrows, for the first time ever Haruka felt like giving her a hug.

It wasn’t just the obvious fact the girl was, well, a _girl._ But Haruka could hardly imagine anyone else in Rin’s place; anyone else having the right to be close to him – no one but Rin could do that. It didn’t really make any change whether the man was going to do something about it or not, now that he was supposedly _’single’_.

Haruka’s thoughts ran back and forth, not knowing if he actually wanted the man to move the two of them forward, or not _yet_. The memory of a locker room that he had shared with Rin not so long ago resurfaced, making him even more confused than before. Because he had made a decision then, meant to protect them both – to wait and see what’s in store for both of them later.

Today at the airport, though, he had acted as if there was none.

Haruka sighed, still unsure of what the right thing to do was, even after all this time. 

“So,” His mother cleared her throat awkwardly, pulling him out of the dream. She reached for the sleeve to observe alleged, most probably non-existent stains. “You’re not going to ask?”

“About what?” He asked stupidly, blinking at his own reflection.

He couldn’t be sure about it, but it did look like she swallowed nervously next to him. Haruka searched her eyes when she didn’t offer any explanation, but she refused to make eye-contact. With a sigh she squatted next to him, observing the lower hem of the slacks for the littlest sewing imperfection.

“About _that_...about your dad’s message? The one you gave me earlier?” 

A short beat of silence preceded Haruka’s answer.

“No.”

“Why not?” She asked, looking genuinely curious as she finally looked him in the eye, but didn’t wait for his answer. “Don’t you want to know what’s happened? I’ve been waiting two weeks for you to ask about it, but you’re just...not.”

Haruka shrugged and looked away. “It’s not my business.”

Of course that wasn’t entirely true. Because no matter how hard he tried, it was impossible to completely push the visit that the strange man had payed him the day Rin left for Australia out of his mind. Yet with every passing day the memory somewhat blended, stored by Haruka’s brain into the blind corner where everything regarding his father lay untouched, covered by dust.

And it wasn’t as if he didn’t give a shit about his own blood.

But the man, truthfully, wasn’t part of Haruka’s life anymore; had never been, really. Haruka wasn’t even sure he even had an idea who his father truly was. It’d been years now since the man even bothered to talk to him over the phone – the courtesy that even his mother found time for occasionally.

Apart from a signature on birthday cards there were less than a few proofs that he even existed.

So maybe it was a shitty thing to say, and maybe he wouldn’t admit it out loud if asked. But for years now Haruka felt that he didn’t have any father – just like the man didn’t have a son.

It wouldn’t truly make any difference if he was alive or dead.

And now, as if it wasn’t enough that his mother invaded Haruka’s life, she seemed to drag the man along. He so didn’t want to be part of it, no matter what kind of problems his father had gotten into. The man was a grown-up, after all, had his big career and all he ever wanted. So if he did something to piss off top dogs and they were now after him, well, Haruka was pretty sure he would get through it, no matter if his so-called only son had his blood pressure raised over it or not. 

The question was, though, why the hell was he supposed to be the one to make an intermediary between his parents.

If they wanted divorce – fine.  If they wanted to be together – even better.

It was _not_ his business at all.

But when he dared to find the face of his mother in the mirror, lit by strong, unbecoming light of the cabin, she didn’t seem to be too happy over his answer. The brown of her eyes turned somehow darker while he was trying on another four jacket designs. And except for the occasional _’fine’_ , or _’too loose’_   coming out of her mouth, there was nothing.

As the shop assistant’s reassurances that everything was going to be sent to their address as soon as possible marked the prayed end of the shopping, Haruka’s stomach churned with anxiousness.

What the hell did she expect him to do?

To say?

Did he really have a moral obligation to feel for his almost non-existent father? Didn’t the man just ditch her like a used toy, too? Despite doing his best Haruka couldn't understand why she was even bothered by what that man did – not to say trying to find him – or whatever it was that damned message talked about.

“Have a nice day, sir. Come again, and please, have this.” The assistant said in a voice too high to sound natural, drawing him out of a dream once again. Haruka nodded solemnly, ignoring the outstretched hand in vain hope his mother would take care of it – whatever it was; a catalogue, flier or a damned receipt.

Only the girl seemed to think otherwise as she ran around the counter and bowed deeply in front of him. There was a card in her hands, silver with elegant black writing.

Haruka stared forth, petrified by the scene; horrified by what was about to come.

“I beg sir to pardon my temerity. I’m deeply sorry for the inconvenience, but I just can’t do differently. Please, have my personal card, there’s my cell phone number on the back. It would be my pleasure if sir found me enough-”

“Alright,” His mother said, looking disgusted as she snatched the card from the poor girl’s fingers. “I think he understands. You’re lucky I’m in a good mood today, so I won’t ask to meet your supervisor. But take this as advice. Never put yourself down in front of a man. It’s _repellent_.”

With that she turned on her heel and stomped out of the shop, leaving dismayed Haruka and an almost crying girl behind. It took him a moment or two before the worst shock receded, but eventually it did. He bowed hastily, feeling equally relieved as ashamed for the assistant’s tears, and cleared the scene as well.   

“What?” She barked once he caught up to her and stared at the piece of silver plastic, thrown without further ado into the trash bin. “If you tell me now you want it, you’ll have to look for it yourself.”

And, completely against any expectations he had had about this night, Haruka chuckled, shaking his head once.  She looked him over with a wry smile, and took off.

“Like I thought.”

Yeah, it was stupid.

It was rude, and it was inappropriate how she treated the poor girl, period. She meddled in his personal affairs, too, which was something Haruka would _never_ have allowed anytime before – notwithstanding he had no intention to get the card from the girl. But it was also the very first time ever that his mother did something like this.

Something like standing up for him.

And Haruka didn’t know why, didn’t even want to think of it, but for some reason something strangely warm was reborn inside of his chest.

They walked out of the mall in a silence that wasn’t as cold as he remembered it to always be, and it wasn’t just a chilly night that made goosebumps run over his skin.

Just as Haruka opened his mouth to say his good-bye, there was suddenly a small hand touching his forearm, pulling him gently closer. He looked up with a start, since she was even less tactile person than he himself was, and met her brown eyes. They were clouded, and somehow worried.

“I never thought I’d be bothering _you_   with this, Haruka, and I indeed wouldn’t if I had any other choice, but...” She took in a long breath and finally looked away, but her fingers clutched onto him stronger than before. “But I don’t, and you’re the only one that can help.”

And as her fingers dug deeper into his skin, and something painfully squeezed his ribcage, Haruka knew that whatever she was going to say, it wasn’t an easy decision to ask _him_ , of all people. Something made her find the courage to open her mouth, though, and it was something that most definitely hadn’t been there between them yesterday.

He could barely breathe when she looked at him again.

“I need to meet Kawasaki Anna’s father again, and I need you to make it happen.”

***

_Matsuoka Rin :_

_[Hurry up_ _21:12_ _]_

 

Nothing more than two words awaited Haruka as he walked down the street to the station, heart heavy. Shocked, his mind made him stand there like a dumbass with his mouth open. No _’hi’_ , not even his name.

And although he didn’t have the slightest clue why, nothing else was needed to change everything.

To send his painfully squeezing heart into wild run. To make him stumble over each and every rational thought, doubt, and logical argument regarding Rin that had ever been born in his head; shake them to the core. To plaster a picture of his face everywhere Haruka looked.

Lock him up into an ivory tower of bittersweet hopes that his brain couldn’t knock him out off, no matter how much it tried.

Haruka indeed fought against foolishly breaking into a mad spurt again; if for nothing else than to not put another layer of sweat to his already stinky shirt. How was he supposed to do so, though, when the universe was giving him signs at every corner?

Damn, he thought with embarrassment; not even as a kid had he believed in such stupid ideas. Now, for all that mattered, he was too old to start.

Yet when the subway’s door opened just in front of his eyes, it might have been a coincidence. When the crowd bizarrely broke before him just in time to make an easier way through, it might have been nothing more than luck. Yet after the fifth green light at a fifth intersection Haruka gave up, and gave in to whatever it was that wanted him in the small café right then and not a second later, and pushed his body into a spurt.

It was, indeed, as if the planet decided to spin a little quicker. Or maybe tectonic plates awakened after their billion year sleep and moved, making the journey shorter.

Either way the world seemed to do anything to get him there sooner, and Haruka understood.

Because there was an exciting promise, hidden in Rin’s impatience that matched his own. 

In no time he was there, facing the wooden door of a café with lanterns hanging above his head. And Haruka knew as his palm pushed against it that he had no strength against the need to see those extraordinary colours go haywire again. Bursting all around in vivid explosions and covering Tokyo city; just like they had earlier that day.

The epicentre was now too close to keep away.

Maybe, he pondered with tightened throat while being led by a waitress to the back garden, there was nothing awaiting him behind the flowery bushes separating inner parts of the café from its outside, but a night spent with his friends in a cozy, nice place. Most probably he was just going to spend it like all those before: watching Rin from afar, longing. Fighting his ever-lasting fight between wanting to throw himself at the man, and running away with waving hands above his head.

It would be for the better, anyway.

But as he stumbled over the threshold, and almost knocked a shocked waitress down with quickly expanding eagerness, Haruka somehow knew this night wasn’t going to end this way. And as a few tabby cats, gathered at the garden’s door, abandoned their bowls with frustrated mewls, the excitement spread through his limbs over one obvious possibility.

That, _maybe,_ when Rin had sent that simple message, it was yet another sign – this time from the man, not the universe.

A sign that he needed Haruka to give the thing between them another shot.

And there was no denying the truth once he caught his balance again and searched around the tables until he found the one circled by his friends.

It was in the way red eyes on the other side of the garden lit up once they met his own, and then kept watching him impatiently, staring with a wordless _’finally’._ Making him shiver with foul impression that the two of them were the only ones there.

Or, at least, the only ones who knew an underlying secret, which not a single person around the table and in the whole restaurant had a fucking clue about.

And it was also in the way the place next to Rin instantly turned empty, jackets thrown over another chair on the other side of the table. Or in a way there were two fabulously meaningful seats between the man and glaring Anna, filled with beaming Nagisa and strangely serious Makoto.

Definitely in the way Rin’s long fingers curled around the metallic backseat of the empty chair, silently inviting him. Making him move forward without thinking, wishing to lose the audience around and just submerge into that lingering ache, always present while being so close. Praying to get lost within the warming arms he had come to know and crave.

Understanding that maybe, _maybe_ this time Rin wouldn’t really mind.

No, he had no idea of how much he hungered for physical contact until there was nothing but quickly shrinking metres of wooden tables between him and that body, so fine and looking firmer than ever.

And if it had been any other time, Haruka would’ve probably appreciated more how a green living fence hugged the small café’s garden, making the light strings that hung on it stand out against its foliage. How it somehow created a romantic atmosphere that Rin was now most probably admiring – although secretly _,_ of course _._ But now it was just too far to grasp, out of the tunnel vision his brain had gotten stuck in.

Even the chilly air of an early June night couldn’t lower the high temperature of his cheeks as he made his way between tables pressed tightly together; hot eyes still glued on him. Finally squeezing himself between the man and a backboard wall with numerous charcoal writings, Haruka couldn’t care less that he must have wiped half of the daily menu off of it.

No, he didn’t give a damn about it, at all. Just as he didn’t about the way Nagisa’s thumbs pointed up in the characteristically over-excited gesture of approval behind Rin’s back, a moment before Rei managed to get hold of them. He couldn’t force himself to give a single fuck about the people chirping around the café, as well as their table. It was just too distant and way too unimportant.

And he hoped that a simple ’hi’ directed to the rest of the table would be considered enough conversation from his side for the rest of the night.

Because he planned to pay attention to other things, tonight.

Things like Rin’s shoulder, pressed against his own in the scarce room their table was assigned; warm and just as strong as Haruka remembered. Things like Rin’s deep voice in his ear, honey-like and somewhat shy – not as close as it was earlier at the airport, but still enough to send Haruka’s already spinning mind into overdrive.

“Hungry?”

Sweet breath hinted with something like white chocolate touched his face, making Haruka catch for breath as he turned his dumb head and stared.

And stared, and stared, and hoped desperately for it to happen again. To be allowed, at least once again, to share the taste of whatever it was that Rin had eaten before Haruka got here. Drunkenly he nodded, praying it was possible to cross that short distance to the man’s lips without the necessary social repercussions and kicks his brain would surely give him later.

_What did he ask, again?_

“I thought you didn’t like sweets.”

And then he watched, with the horrible realization of being caught so stupidly, how confusion on Rin’s face quickly turned into amused realization. _Damn_ , Haruka thought, he wasn’t here more than five minutes, and already he’d managed to make a fool of himself.

But where he expected the man to put some desperately needed space between them, there came nothing. Nothing, except for those perfect lips quirking into a small, sexy smile, and Haruka’s world colliding with the nearest supernova.

“Nagisa’s mochi ice cream. Let me have a bite a while ago. S’not so bad, I guess.”

Haruka nodded again, finally forcing his eyes on the dark wood and lit candles in front of him. Only a small sigh forced him to turn his jumpy attention back to the lingering smile again - now way, _way_   too close. Although half-hidden behind fingers of the hand Rin’s chin leaned on, it still sparkled beautifully through the red eyes.

Haruka faltered, unable to look elsewhere.

It was a more than welcome distraction when Nagisa’s voice interrupted the route his feverish brain was about to take.

“Oi, Haru-chan, took you long enough. Makoto and Rin wanted to wait for you with a toast, but I and the girls have already started,” The blond said apologetically, lifting his glass and pointing towards a similar one, only full, sitting in front of Haruka. “I hope you’re not mad or something.”

Shaking his head Haruka hesitated, realizing all of a sudden that Rin’s elbow probably didn’t have to be necessarily pressed against his _that_ tightly; just as his whole upper arm. There was, indeed, space enough for the man to avoid the contact, if he really wanted.

Haruka let out a shaky sigh, not knowing how much longer he would be able to take it, before he crumbled into a myriad of pieces, bitter like olives in the drink standing before him.

It wasn’t just that anytime Rin talked to someone else around the table or laughed, Haruka could feel the vibrations of his voice inside of his own body.

But it was also the first time he touched anybody’s skin since last time Rin was in his arms – except for his mother, but that so didn’t count. And it felt fucking _amazing._ Dazzling in a way Haruka could hardly understand, making goosebumps run up and down his back.

“Ready to order?” Rin asked, obviously not realizing Haruka neither had words to cope with the question, nor did he know what the man was talking about. It was a good thing, though, that he didn’t wait for an answer for too long. “Alright. Let’s find something together.”

_Together._

Most certainly Haruka’s heart shouldn’t have launched into that kind of gallop just over one stupid word, but when it came to him and Rin, any ’together’ was doing the job, alright.

And maybe it wouldn’t have been that bad, as he thought about it later, maybe he would’ve even been able to keep his lush imagination at bay, if only the man didn’t suddenly stand up and with an apology reach for the menu, lying conspiratorially on other table. 

Yeah, maybe it would’ve been all quite manageable, in the end, if long fingers didn’t rest on his back in the process, ever so softly; casually as if they did it everyday. 

It tingled, and it burned.

“I don’t think they have mackerel, though.”

“Huh?” Haruka heard himself say, loosing himself in the feeling of closeness once again as the man sat back down. Finally he swallowed and licked his lips in attempt to reinvent the ability to speak, which obviously decided to pack its things and disappear for good. “That’s fine.”

“Is it, now?” Rin breathed out with a small chuckle, surely thinking he had gone out of his mind for good.

And placing the opened menu in front of Haruka the man leaned over it – as innocently as it was devilish – too close to not attack Haruka’s nostrils with the fresh smell of shampoo.

_This._

_This is not going to end well._

It was so unfair, really. Because surely, after each and every time he couldn’t say no to Rin’s kisses, after each scorching touch they had ever shared, the man must have quite a detailed idea of the effect he had on Haruka.

Yet he did it again so easily, effortlessly – as if not food, but turning Haruka’s skin into a burning stove was on the menu tonight.

And it was when a knee shyly touched Haruka’s own under the table – a tentative contact so soft it could just as well have been his imagination – that Haruka’s breathing came to a definite stop.

“Uhm,” Rin cleared his throat. And this time the nervousness was apparent when he continued in a voice strangely high and unfamiliar. “I’d say this looks good, what’d you say? You like salmon? Salmon’s good, isn’t it?”

Haruka tried, he really tried to decipher the characters laying right in front of him, apparently carrying some information about meals, but they simply didn’t make any sense. And a second later Haruka understood why his uncooperative brain couldn’t focus on reading.

Because it made him lose his mind completely, pushing his courage to the edge as he pressed tentatively back against the touch.

The reaction was instant: a silent, yet sharp intake of breath on Rin’s side, and a weird, very awkward sound coming out of Haruka’s own mouth. At once the pressure of Rin’s knee became bolder, making the contact more obvious than the half-moon up in the night sky.

_Fuck._

Like boiling molasses it crept all over his back, from his hips up along his neck, right to his uncooperative brain, and it wasn’t that hard to understand that Rin was close behind. The man’s fingers on the menu stopped drawing little meaningless circles and shapes, and were rather frozen in time and place.

And all that Haruka could do was stare at them; long and elegant, with nails shortly cut and pale. He knew, he damn _knew_   it was all going to hell once his eyes turned downward, following numerous prominent veins on Rin’s forearm.

He swallowed thickly, wishing to know how to look away.

But it was too late, and a memory already shot from the depths of his unconsciousness, bringing back the very live feeling of Rin’s hot tongue in his own mouth.

_These hands were in my hair._

Haruka didn’t have the slightest idea when he jumped up suddenly, and pushed the chair out in the process, of what he was doing, or how exactly that action should have helped him. Not even when he walked to the nearest bathroom with shaking head, was he any smarter.

But he pretty much couldn’t do anything more reckless than glance towards the table on the way – once, just fucking _once_   – and see the enormous question mark screaming from Rin’s gentle, beautiful eyes. He quickened the pace, praying to get away from under the scrutiny as soon as possible.

Even cold, fine water didn’t want to help him when he splashed it on his burning face in the empty bathroom, realizing with irritation that even though it usually soothed everything, now it was doing less than nothing.

Haruka breathed in, breathed out while leaning his palms against the cool porcelain of a sink, and tried to get a hold of his running mind again.

 _Damn_.

How long was he in Rin’s company, again? Surely no more than half an hour, for fuck’s sake. And already he had a crucial and very probing problem to deal with – from a damned _knee_ touching. Looking around the empty bathroom he cursed, and without further ado pressed his palm against the zipper of his jeans, shifting in desperate hope to ease the pressure.

_Fuck._

Well, it was as good a time as any to say that those stupid ideas, grown inside of his naive head after Rin’s breakdown in an empty locker room, were done for good.

Friends. Oh yeah, they were friends.

If being one meant waiting for your so-called friend to press you to the floor and rip your clothes off, then, yeah, they were friends alright.

With a little more force than necessary Haruka tore a paper towel from the wall machine and wiped his face. It was going to be a pure hell if Rin continued doing what he did – notwithstanding how much of it he really intended to cause.

“You alright?”

Now that was the last voice he needed to hear as the bathroom door finally clicked behind him. And the man just stood there, simply leaning against the wall of the corridor leading to bathrooms, hands in his pockets.

As if he just didn’t turn Haruka’s world upside down all over again.

Only distant sounds of dishes clicking, milk being heated up by coffee machines, and yelling waiters crossing the narrow view Haruka had into the café, roused the silence that fell between them.

Making him feel for a moment like he was the only one clueless here. 

But then the man straightened all of a sudden – too quickly and a bit awkwardly – and took a few slow, cautious steps towards him. Showing unintentionally that he was not, in fact, that much above it all as he wanted it to look like.

The red eyes hesitated for a second. And suddenly there was a shockingly warm hand on Haruka’s forearm, and he watched, wide-eyed, how its thumb tried to wipe remnants of charcoal stains off of his skin. 

“I did something wrong, again, didn’t I?” Rin said, voice a little unsteady. It took five beats of Haruka’s crazy heart before he continued. “Guess you’re not going to tell me what it was.”

He didn’t know whether it was a mere constatation, or a real question, but he shook his head anyway – not knowing himself if it was supposed to be an answer to the first, or the second question. The man sighed shakily, tugging on his arm a little. But Haruka had no intention of getting any closer; not here, in a public place like this. He sighed heavily, folding his arms on his chest.

How was he supposed to explain the unexplainable? Something as complicated as the thing between them – once again rushing forward like a runaway train, even though they both knew it was only going to derail this way.

Yet he was given exactly no chance to gather his thoughts, as during two short seconds Makoto’s tall figure emerged from behind the corner and without giving them a single look burst through the men’s door. Making Rin take a step closer to Haruka, so close he could feel the man’s warm breath on his forehead.

Why did he not reflect the motion right away, well, that was a mystery.

He should order a retreat, take a safe back step, rather than stand there like a dumbass, staring at his own arms and Rin’s nervously shifting feet.

“Look at me.” A whisper. “Please.”

But Haruka couldn’t. Not now, when the man was so close, obviously not intending to go back to the decent place from a minute ago. He shook his head again, stubbornly staring at the silver pendant swaying on the string around Rin’s neck. A hand anchored on his elbow, and Haruka’s arm turned up the temperature considerably, just from the warmth of blood running through its skin.

“Look. I know there’s a ton of things we have to talk about. But, now I-” Rin started, but wasn’t allowed to finish.

An avalanche of fair hair plunged down the corridor and passed them with long, angry strides. They both stared, ripped out of their bubble, how Jane’s small frame fell through the door right after Makoto, not caring one bit she was entering the men’s room.

“What’s this all about?” Haruka asked with a frown, listening to an explosion of voices inside of the small bathroom.

What could those two fight about?

He could hardly stay focused enough on their friends’ troubles, though, when all of a sudden there were long fingers touching a single strand of his hair, pushing it out of his face. And nothing made sense when Rin spoke again, this time in a voice silent, spiced up with a soft, dangerously loving smile.

“Reckon it’s about you. It’s always about you when it comes to Makoto.” He gave out a small chuckle. “And some of the rest of us.”

“Me?”

A nod.

It didn’t make sense. What Rin said didn’t make sense, and what he did even less. Haruka swallowed, knowing he had to get away and _now_ ; even ten minutes ago was too late. Listening to things like that wasn’t doing anything good to his stupid, crazy heart.

Because, yeah, Rin was the first Haruka had ever kissed. That was the truth undeniable, and it was going to stay like that forever.

But he was also the first one who taught him that nothing in the _’love’_ department – or how would you call it – was going to go as easily as you wished. 

He wanted, _yearned_ to be able to give into this just like that, wave his hand and forget every time Rin had said good-bye before. To get a hold of his white T-shirt until it was wrinkled and then totally ruined from the grip of his fist; to turn his face up and bring Rin’s closer until there was nothing between them; no air, no worthless, unimportant words.

Only they weren’t as unimportant as he wished them to be.

And Rin was right; Haruka needed answers – at least to some of his questions.   

The fact he didn’t know how to ask for them made the problem only a bit more complicated than it already was.

“Just tell me it’s not screwed up for good,” Rin breathed out shakily, ignoring the ongoing quarrel behind the bathroom door. “Because I spent two weeks thinking about it...about how much of a dick I was to you, and I... It just scares the shit out of me that it was too much. That you won’t ever look at me again without...Damn, Nanase, you know you turn me into a brainless-”

Haruka didn’t know when exactly he lifted his hand, or why its fingers curled around the silver pendant. Maybe it just swayed too irritatingly in front of his eyes.

Maybe he needed at least some form of contact, when he wasn’t able to offer any other.

What he did know, though, was that the gesture was enough to stop Rin’s rattling, almost too endearing to stand, turning his heart into a mess of delightful, sweet pain. It also made Rin’s body shiver nicely, and if for nothing else, then for this it was well worth it.

But Haruka couldn’t give a proper answer even if he wanted; he needed yet to find the way around his own doubts and fears. He was pretty sure, though, that being this close to Rin’s warmth would help the process very much.

And he was willing to try it.

“You’re cold?” The man asked, and Haruka looked up, surprised by the unexpected question. Rin’s hand ran up his arm ever so gently, a trace of concern glistening in red eyes as they studied goose-bumps on Haruka’s skin.

_Idiot._

Haruka almost laughed out loud at the stupidity that something like chilly night air could outfight the scalding warmth of Rin’s body, or the heat caused deep inside by his words.

_My stupid, ridiculous idiot._

And he really opened his mouth to say it – or to say at least something – for the first time since they left the table. But by the time the words were finally about to come out, suddenly there was yet another distraction, turning Rin’s attention elsewhere.

The sound of the fight inside of the bathroom suddenly intensified as the door swung open, and out stomped Makoto with face turned into something akin to despair. He flew right in between the two of them and once in the café turned left instead of right – apparently heading outside rather then back to the garden.

Haruka stared behind him, too confused to make his legs follow.

“Jane?” Rin’s voice was full of concern as he pushed against the door that Makoto left ajar, and Haruka automatically followed after him, tied by an invisible chain. “Honey pie, what’s the matter?”

And then he watched, confused, how the man that just a moment ago had warmed his insides hugged the weeping girl. She was blabbering some undecipherable answer into Rin’s shoulder, letting him hide her inside of his safe, long arms.

Making a completely misplaced and childish sting of jealousy hit Haruka’s ribcage.

“I’m taking her home,” Rin murmured into the hollow silence of the room once she seemed to calm down a bit, adding disappointment to the mixture swirling inside of Haruka’s stomach.

And he followed them out to the corridor, speechless as always, unduly petrified. Convinced that nothing could save the night now that Rin was leaving again, the thing between them still unresolved. Questions not answered, doubts not shed.

His brain still couldn’t wrap around it when Rin whispered something in the girl’s ear and she nodded, leaving the corridor with slow, unsteady steps.

“I shouldn’t go, right? I should stay, shouldn’t I?” Rin asked, anxiousness filling his words, and stepped closer again.

And whether it was supposed to be a handshake when the man got a hold of Haruka’s palm or a very awkward attempt to lace their fingers together, Haruka didn’t know, but it was so endearing his chest exploded with butterflies – the feeling he’d felt last when Rin’s text messages had revealed Haruka wasn’t the only one feeling this. He chuckled, squeezing back tightly.

“Go.” A smile. “Go.”

And he didn’t fight the grin when relief crossed Rin’s face, and definitely not when the man hastily untied the sleeves of a hoodie, until that moment hanging around his hips.

“Here, put this on,” Rin whispered, pushing it into his hands, and suddenly there was an almost imperceptible touch of lips on Haruka’s cheek. “I’ll call you. Promise.”

And then, with a last longing glance thrown over his shoulder, he was gone.

Haruka stared behind him long after there was nothing but distant sounds of the packed café filling his brain, and cold, trying to seep through his thin shirt and skin. It came creeping in immediately, bringing back memories of the nights spent walking around the cold, empty Iwatobi house.

Like then, like now, Rin’s absence numbed just the same.

But as his eyes turned slowly to the hoodie in his hands, he knew it wasn’t the same this time. With a single shake of his head he plunged it to his face, inhaling deeply.

Instantly Rin was back; disturbingly tall and so, _so_   warm. Right there with him.

Haruka smiled into the fabric, feeling warmth of the body that only a moment ago wore it.

Yeah, this time it _was_ different. This time Rin was here, staying and not leaving anymore.

And no matter what was about to come, they were going to have tons of opportunities to talk this thing through.

Breathing in deeply once again Haruka almost missed the sound of heavy steps, fighting through the fog in his head. It was the voice he expected to hear the least of all at that moment, making him startle a little and turn his head towards the incomer. 

“Sorry to interrupt. But I’d like to talk to you for a minute.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you very soon, guys!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> Sorry it took me so long, in the end. Here's another chapter, hope you like it.
> 
> As usual, it's only thanks to amazing marbled_maven, who always manages to bring my work to a higher level. Thank you so SO much!!
> 
> Enjoy, guys!

Little raindrops fell quietly from the night sky, through the thin vapour rising from sewer hatches, only to gingerly touch quickly wet pavement and roads. They decorated the street with reflection of the countless bright lights, turning it deftly into a glowing watercolour painting of night city life.

Offering the onlooker a parody of the non-existent starry sky.

The steps on the concrete behind Haruka fell out of rhythm, picking up the pace. And although water dulled their sound, it couldn’t rid him of the owner of the heavy shoes just as easily.

“Can’t you just... _damn_.”

He didn’t want to lie, no. There was a very precise reason why he was walking down the street, closely followed by the man. Why he kept moving onward, instead of turning around and facing the words he didn’t know how to respond to. Pretending he didn’t hear anything, didn’t know anything.

That is to say – why he was running away.

It was just as while watching TV a disturbing thought appears, or a memory of your long-forgotten failure re-emerges, filling you instantly with anxiousness and unease. Forces you at once to grab for a remote control and with a foul taste in your mouth change the station – to shake off the feeling quickly, set your mind on something else right away.

To forget it as soon as possible – whatever the fleeting thought that didn’t have anything in common with what you were looking at was. 

“Dolphin.” The nickname reflected tensely against the bones of his back, and a hand grabbed on his arm. “Just wait for a damned second.”

It was just like that now when Haruka’s legs carried him away from the man – a living reminder of the night that Haruka so didn’t want to remember. Only there wasn’t any TV, but a human being, and there was no way to change the station to chase the ghosts away.

“I have to find Makoto,” Haruka pushed out, but didn’t move forward, anyway.

He was held by the force of fingers digging into his tissues, after all, and he found himself being more irritated than he had been for a very long time. Looking up he ripped his arm out of the deadly grip and fought the need to massage his aching muscle. The big hand returned slowly to Yamazaki’s side.

Why the idiot was smiling, though, that was a mystery beyond any other.

Blue eyes fell down and lingered for a moment on Rin’s hoodie, still safely folded in Haruka’s hands. And when Yamazaki’s fingers reached for the little knot on its white string - the gesture uncomfortable and, for some reason, way too intimate – Haruka took a small step back.

Hastily pulling the fabric over his head he felt almost embarrassed for such an open demonstration of who he belonged to. But someone had to set the boundaries now; it was no time for vagueness.  

If anything, though, the man seemed to be only entertained by the sight.

“I see he’s peed all over you, already.” 

“Tch.”

Haruka looked to the side, exasperated. Annoyed he was forced to lead this conversation, rather than running after his best friend, who stubbornly refused to pick up the phone – something that Makoto had never done before; not once during long years of their friendship.

Irritated to the bone, because he was apparently the reason why Yamazaki was having good fun, and even more since he didn’t have the slightest idea why.

“Man, it was a _joke._ Can’t you tell?” The man said, cracking up a little, and shook his head. “Hell, dolphin. Loosen up a bit.”

A street lamp flickered ludicrously above the two of them as embarrassment churned in Haruka’s insides, casting light shadows on the pair of blue eyes.

“I really have to find Makoto.”

What the hell was so funny about a situation, in which this idiot forced him to participate by saying those damned words a few minutes ago?

What was he supposed to laugh about?

Honestly, he had been dreading the moment when the two of them would have to meet again, and now, when it was here Haruka genuinely didn’t know what better to do than to get away immediately. 

Because there was a time, during one particular night and the morning after, when he had thought Rin was gone for good. That he wasn’t _ever_ going to come back – the single piece of information that hollowed, and then sorely turned into dread upon finally realizing about Rin’s disappearance. 

And yeah, _damn it_ , he knew he had had every right to think about other possibilities then – about other people to keep around, so he wouldn’t be so fucking lonely for the rest of his life. He also knew that he hadn’t really done anything to feel guilty for; no matter what Jane had accused him of later.

Haruka desperately wanted to believe there was no need to be judgemental about the way he depended on Yamazaki’s presence then.

It had hurt like a motherfucker then, after all.

“Look, dolphin. Am I pretending this is love, or anything close? _No_. I didn’t propose to you, for crying out loud. I just said I might like you. Since you’re not an idiot I’m sure you knew that already.” Yamazaki breathed in deeply, eyes sparkling. “You have my interest is all.”

So what was Haruka so scared of then?

Of having consequences of his own actions thrown into his face? Of reliving memories that filled him with anguish and qualms?

Probably.

Because he might try to convince himself of whatever, but one thing was sure: this conversation would never have taken place if he hadn’t spent that disastrous night on the couch at Yamazaki’s place. If he hadn’t used the man’s arms on the kitchen floor of Anna’s father’s house earlier that day – for comfort; for having a feeling he was not completely alone in this sick world.

And of course he couldn’t - couldn’t even consider giving Yamazaki’s confession a second thought now. And he would _never_ –notnow when Rin was back and staying. Touching Haruka’s skin just a few minutes ago.

An alarming thought crept inside of his brain anyway, as a car passed the street; the beat of the music loud and annoying even through the closed windows.

Because who knew what would have happened if Rin had stayed in Sydney, in the end. If that race had never happened, and Haruka had never been in his arms today.

It was a hypothetical reality – nothing more, really.

The bottom line was things could’ve turned out that way too easily.

“I can’t.” Haruka pushed out with a small, but resolute head-shake after a solid while of silence that felt very, very awkward.

But maybe it was nothing but his own feeling, after all.

Because when Yamazaki spoke again, it was surprisingly warm and collected, bringing Haruka’s eyes up to him.

“Well, you either think I’m stupid, or blind...and, honestly, I don’t know which one is worse.”

The man chuckled, covering his growing smile with his big hand.

“You think I didn’t see you two fools tonight? Hell, I must’ve been a total nut to think you’d give me a second look when you have him around. Which I’m not, obviously.” Amusement shortly crossed blue eyes before he continued, this time in a voice confident and strong. “You know, I didn’t tell you because I expect something from you. I told-”

The question, born naturally after the unfinished statement left the man’s mouth, was promptly forced to die on Haruka’s lips. The phone ringing momentarily turned his attention away; _finally_ – after too many missed calls - coming out of his pocket.

He pushed the button offhand, recognizing his best friend on the display.

“Makoto.” 

“Haru, I...I’m...Can you?”

There was an emotion shaking that familiar voice – of the kind that Haruka had never heard in his best friend’s voice before. Nothing more was needed to make hair on his body stand on alert.

“Where?”

“Bus stop? Around hundred metres down the street.”

“Wait there.”

The look on Yamazaki’s face said he was not following the fast track of the phone conversation once it ended, but that was just alright. No one could, really. This was only his and Makoto’s thing, and no other person – not even the two of them, probably – knew how deep it ran.

“I have to go.”

Nodding to the muted man Haruka sidestepped him and moved onward. Determined to forget this nonsensical speech of his and all its uncomfortable content.

“You know, dolphin,” The man said after Haruka’s back, and his words danced lightly over the concrete pavement. “You could do as much as keep your ass still until I say what I want, don’t you think? Instead of bailing out like a chick in a soap opera all the time.”

Teasing words resonated within Haruka’s brain, forcing him to slow down and then stop. To stare petulantly at the reflection of the red bicycle stands in a darkened window of a closed book store.

But the man didn’t seem to be done, not by a long shot.

“Like really. It’s a shame we don’t have cameras for dramatic close-ups every time we’re together.”

Haruka narrowed his eyes, snapping his head quickly to the man.

Meeting pair of bold, blue eyes staring right at him.

“Cut it out.”

And there the man suddenly grinned – daringly and like a winner of a hundred meter race. Haruka rolled his eyes, irked by the way the man didn’t seem to intend to leave him alone. The way Yamazaki kept provoking him most the time, repeatedly and _very_ obstinately, dared him to leave the melancholic view he so liked to bask in behind.

Which was, for the lack of other words, annoying and very aggravating.

Mostly highly upsetting, though, for how easily the man was succeeding.

And it was obviously also the only way to get over a topic as such without drowning in melodrama.

Not that Haruka could help it – he was honestly starting to think there was a red switch in his brain, turning the rationality off every time Rin laid his foot in the same country.

_I’m really turning into a damned girl, am I not?_

“So what is it?” He asked after a while, knowing all too well it sounded far less pissed off than he wanted it to. “Just spit it out fast.”

He was genuinely shocked, as he watched the man push his hands into the pockets of his pants and take a few casual steps towards him, how the anxiousness he had felt just a second ago dissipated momentarily like thin vapour rising from the wet road into the night air.

There was indeed something calming about the man – with his weird sense of humour, which seemed to always put a stop to Haruka’s restless and funeral-like thoughts – like an efficient relaxing pill.

It was the exact opposite of the effect Rin’s presence had on him – with excitement running through his veins like gasoline waiting to be set afire – but it was surprisingly fresh and a pleasant feeling. 

“Let’s go, Makoto’s waiting for you, isn’t he?” Big hand turned Haruka around and pushed gently, but resolutely forward. A beat of silence preceded the following words. “All I want is to stay around. Around _both_ of you, to be specific. Rin’s my best buddy, no matter what he thinks I am to him now, and you just happened to be a really interesting guy. And I _do_ respect what you two idiots have, although, honestly, I don’t think the way you’re going is sustainable.”

Haruka watched the man look to the side with an unreadable expression on his face, and tried to push down promptly born uneasiness.

Why did Yamazaki feel the need to make comments like this when he was finally starting to breathe easily, that was really beyond him.

“Rin has totally cut me off lately, and although he’s acting like everything’s fine, I know him too well to eat it for a second. He’s all touchy even over the mentioning of your name, changing the topic immediately. Basically he’s being a jealous dumbass far more than any time before. So talking about you and things that...happened,” Yamazaki said quietly, looking into Haruka’s face, and as his eyes turned cloudy and serious they both knew the unwanted memory of the night, after they left the mansion together, floated in the night air between them like a ghost. “It would most likely end up with me in a body bag.”

Yamazaki let out a long breath and chuckled darkly, looking up to the clouded sky.

“Which I’d rather not.”

He side-glanced at Haruka, the corner of his mouth rising playfully.

The man spoke teasingly, and with a snap of his fingers could turn an awkward conversation into good friends’ leisure talk – something Haruka would’ve never pulled off on his own. And despite every game that the man had played with him before, for some reason it felt this time it was indeed honest.

He just hoped he wasn’t terribly mistaken.

“So?” Haruka asked after a solid while of speechless walking down the street.

“So,” The man blinked, returning back to reality, and pointed towards a lit-up glass bus stop. Makoto’s tall frame leaned against the side of it with head lowered, making Haruka’s insides churn with concern. “That’s why I told you I like you. I only wanted to clear the air. To be allowed to call you, or text you, and just...not feel awkward about it. To hang out, you know what I mean.”

And the self-assured smile was back as he halted, obviously not intending to go any further, and looked at Haruka from his fine height.

“Don’t worry, I don’t plan to throw myself at you.”

Haruka puffed and shook his head, but he was genuinely entertained by the impossible turn of the conversation. Kicking a pebble on the ground he didn’t even try to pretend otherwise as he looked up and spoke.

“You better not.”

The man turned around with a last smile, and threw casually over his shoulder. “Tell Makoto I say hi.”

He would be gone in a second or two, leaving Haruka alone with his best friend wearing the most miserable expression he’d ever seen on his face, and his own little unstable world.

And just like that – without Rin’s presence, or Yamazaki’s idiotic jokes – it was a matter of no more than a few seconds until Haruka’s uneasiness was back. Sneaking inside like a dull echo of the past.

He took a step forward, senselessly following after the man.

Needing to hear that what Yamazaki had said about him and Rin was nothing more than another try to ridicule the serious debate.

“Why are we not...sustainable?”

He took a deep breath, waiting for the man to stop and turn around again. And he did, in the end, blinking and hesitating. Obviously surprised by the unexpected question.

It was an innocent one, though, wasn’t it?

There was no need to take it too seriously.

Haruka most certainly wasn’t going to get a sophisticated analysis of his and Rin’s imperfections and past mistakes, right?

_Right_?

But where he hoped to get another grin, or at least a little smile to make it less weighty, there was nothing but a cautious, careful look in the teal eyes, turning them into two hard stones.

As if Haruka was being observed, evaluated – maybe in order to find out if he really did want that answer, or not.

And as the man finally opened his mouth, Haruka understood with a horrifying feeling that asking was the most colossal mistake he’d made in a long time.

“Well,” Yamazaki started, shifting his feet slightly. “I told you once you two know nothing about each other, and I still think so. The fact that you’ve been something like friends for years, or that – judging by tonight – you’re gonna end up in bed together by tomorrow afternoon at the latest doesn’t really make any difference.”

The lamp up the street flickered for the last time behind Yamazaki’s head, making one of the fake stars disappear from Haruka’s field of vision.

“If you really want to know, I think it’s gonna go south between you two, sooner or later. And not because of me or the girl, although I’m sure that she, unlike me, is gonna help as much as she can.”

Just like that, the street went quiet.

It was weird, really, because how could the world make not a single sound? Like over there on the other side of the road, a wooden container soundlessly fell out of an old baker’s hands, crashing to the pavement.

Or another car, silently passing down the street – as if it drove over a thick carpet rather than the asphalt road.

Haruka stood there, astonished by the sudden deafness, watching the man’s retreating back. Scalded by the harsh words that sounded too much like those born in his own head.

“Haru?”

With a jolt he turned around – an unexpected sound shooting through his brain painfully – and met Makoto’s bleary eyes.

And he didn’t know if it was more for himself or his best friend, but he crossed the short distance quickly and curled his arms tightly around the tall man. A shaky sigh came out next to his ear, and then, for a fleeting second – just before Makoto’s hands tapped his shoulders and pushed him gently away – a hot, wet cheek touched the top of Haruka’s head.

A silent, wordless thank you.

“I forgot the subway map.”

“Let’s go,” Haruka said silently, deliberately looking away from his best friend’s tear-streaked face. “I’ve got mine.”

Although it was already past midnight, and tomorrow was a regular working day, the street was still filled with cars and people. And either it was the unstoppable commotion of the city around, or the night air, refreshed by the light sprinkle that had already ended by the time they were approaching the subway station, something seemed to calm Makoto down.

Haruka didn’t want to ask.

He didn’t feel like talking at all. Not when Yamazaki’s prediction kept hanging above his head – and his best friend looked just about the same. He was sure, knowing Makoto’s default politeness, that he would answer. What’s more, it would be as close to reality as his gentleness allowed.

But Rin’s nonsensical words wanted to be remembered; and if Makoto’s and Jane’s fall-out really had something in common with Haruka – which was so unlikely it almost made him laugh – well then he would get just about nothing from his best friend’s vague answer, anyway. 

In any case, there was surely a better way of showing he cared than talking, which was an art that Haruka was sure was impossible to master.

So he did what he could: nudged his best friend’s shoulder. Once, and then again, only stronger, when at first he got no reaction.

And there it was: the littlest of smiles – just a tiny, poor movement of Makoto’s lips – but still better than none. A short-lived victory of Haruka’s miserable comforting abilities, as it turned out, since in a second it was gone again. He pursed his lips, looking around the station’s signs for a clue.

He would never say he was going to find it so easily, but as his eyes scanned a popular fast food chain’s ad on the wall, Haruka felt more than dumb for not getting the idea sooner.

“I think I’m going to ask mother for the recipe for those butter croissants she baked some time ago.” He said while stepping on the escalators, and waited for blinking Makoto to join him. “I kind of liked them.”  

It took his best friend a short while of confused staring at the moving wall, but eventually the green eyes turned to him. With a little spark, and then naturally followed by an almost imperceptible tick in Makoto’s left nostril.

“You would?”

Of course, _damn_ , it was so apparent. Maybe Haruka didn’t know much about people’s brains and how they worked, but what he was pretty certain about was that good food was a very easy way to make them happy. Maybe a stupid one, but also very effective.

More so when it was their favourite; and he hadn’t forgotten how Makoto drooled over his mother’s continental breakfast, which she bothered to prepare for them no more than that one time – it would surely be a huge bother to swap with him at the stove at least once more, wouldn’t it?

Especially when she was really good at it; that much Haruka really couldn’t deny.

When he nodded, the air floating around the man felt somewhat lighter. And as he dared to glance at Makoto’s face, he was almost shocked by the knowing, soft smile in his direct look. Haruka shrugged, putting up an overly innocent face, and waited until the sound of Makoto’s silent laughter reached his ears.

Of course he saw right through him – how could he not, after all. But it didn’t matter.

If it worked, then it worked either way.

And it was an almost imperceptible nod, motioning to Haruka’s chest, as well as the way his friend’s eyebrows rose playfully in a mute question, that made Haruka’s ears go red in an instant. His hand shot automatically upward, pulling on the sleeve of Rin’s too-big hoodie.

He tried his best to shrug nonchalantly, and pretended to search for the quickly approaching, whistling subway car in the black dark hole in the wall.

“It’s still cold outside.”

“It sure is,” Makoto let out with a serious expression, nodding resolutely, but it was as far from believable as it could be. “The wind and, uhm, the rain.”

“Yeah, the rain, definitely,” Haruka agreed immediately. “It’s horrible.”

He let the smile reach his eyes as he boarded the car after Makoto’s wide back. And it was still there later that night as they both finished the warm cup of chamomile tea that Haruka placed on the nightstand. There weren’t any missed calls on his phone when he finally turned the lights out and lay down to sleep next to an unmoving, but still wide awake Makoto, but it wasn’t the end of the world.

Both knew, waiting for the night to be finally over, that tomorrow was yet another day.

And whatever was going to happen, whichever smartass tried to play a fortune-teller, the two of them had each other’s backs.

It felt just fine.

***

_Matsuoka Rin :_

_[Good morning :)))_ _0_ _6:53_ _]_

**_[To you too._ ** **** **_06:59_ ** **_]_ **

_[_ _Slept well? Had a nice dream? What about? :))_ _07:03_ _]_

**_[Too many questions too early in the morning._ ** **** **_07:16_ ** **_]_ **

_[_ _Haha, okay :)) See u in five hours, thirty and smt minutes ;)_ _07:22_ _]_

 

Staring into the cold hollowness of an old machine, Haruka closed his eyes for a second and sighed.  The empty, stained fridge shelves screamed it was going to be not just a never-ending school and work day, but also an awfully hungry morning.

Yet the irritation didn’t show up, strange as it was.

“Nagisa.” He slammed the fridge door anyway; someone obviously needed a lesson badly. “It was your turn to buy groceries yesterday.” 

The blond hopped gleefully behind his back in the direction of the bathroom without a single look thrown his way, humming a distantly familiar song. Happily oblivious to the fact he was going to be preached to.

“No it wasn’t.” The bathroom door closed with a soft thud, and something like _’Makoto’s turn’_ fought over the sound of water falling into a sink.

Bent above the books scattered over the kitchen table, his best friend seemed to find Nagisa’s lie innocent enough to be funny. Haruka shook his head, for some unknown reason smiling too, and asked a bit louder than he normally would. “When is he leaving, again?”

The blond’s horrified exclamation came clear and comprehensible this time as the water sound instantly stopped, and it was more than a good thing that Nagisa’s following offended words made Makoto titter into the papers. “That was pretty awful even for _you_ , Haru-chan.”

Haruka turned to the sink loaded with unwashed dishes, hastily digging for his phone again.

 

**_[Be on time, Matsuoka._ ** **** **_07:29_ ** **_]_ **

_[_ _Eager to see me? ;)_ _07:30_ _]_

**_[Shut up._ ** **_07:31_ ** **_]_ **

**_[Don’t let it go to your head._ ** **** **_07:32_ ** **_]_ **

_[_ _Nanase. for real, that’s easily the most beautiful thing u ever said to me :D_ _07:34_ _]_

 

“You’re in a good mood, today,” Makoto said to his back, smiling sadly from under overgrown fringe.

Haruka shrugged while lowering himself on the kitchen chair across him, deliberately ignoring the question contained in the statement. He rather looked his friend’s face over – visible traces of exhaustion showed around the green eyes and mouth, making him look much older than their age.

He didn’t have to ask.

It was obvious in the way Makoto’s hold on the pen in his palm grew stronger, knuckles turning white, and his eyes fell back down on the table. He expected to be questioned sooner or later, but he also wasn’t ready to share.

“I – not yet, Haru, okay?” The man whispered, swallowing thickly. “Just...not yet.”

Haruka nodded, hesitating for a while. Because, yeah, he would willingly respect Makoto’s privacy, just like he always did. On the other hand, though, he didn’t forget that his best friend was always ready to do his first and last when the situation was reversed not too long ago.

He had seen Makoto around girls many times before. The man was, after all, the biggest gentleman out there, no doubt. And although for a random onlooker it might have been hard to tell where the man’s inborn friendliness ended and something _more_ of an interest started, Haruka was pretty sure he could spot the difference immediately.

Truth be told, his best friend had had his fair share of infatuations over the years – mostly unrequited, though; none lasting too long.

But it had never been like this before.

This time Makoto was simply, stupidly, awfully in love, and, although hardly believing it himself, Haruka could very much understand how it felt.

Also how easily it could shred you to pieces on a whim.

With a wave of guilt washing over him he realized he didn’t pay too much attention to Makoto’s state of mind during the two weeks of Rin’s absence – living in his own dreamy, sleeping world he most certainly wasn’t the best of friends.

He didn’t even have the slightest idea that he and Jane had problems until yesterday’s fall out.

Now it was probably too late to start, but he could at least try.

He reached out and squeezed the firm shoulder tightly, being rewarded with a gloomy nod. He let go soon, though, just as Nagisa’s wet, freshly showered head emerged from behind the bathroom door. There was no need to attract the blond’s intense and very much annoying attention to his best friend’s problems when he had enough problems as it went.

“Go get groceries,” Haruka said flatly after the slim back, which quickly disappeared in Makoto’s room, and pursed his lips when he, once again, got no answer.

Where was Rei, when one needed him the most? There wasn’t any other human being walking this planet who could make Nagisa listen and _obey_.

**_[You’re a pain. :-)_ ** **_07:41_ ** **_]_ **

_[_ _Oh shit, did u just use an emoji?! are your fingers alright???_ _07:43_ _]_

**_[Idiot._ ** **** **_07:45_ ** **_]_ **

_[_ _:DD_ _07:46_ _]_

**_[:-)_ ** **** **_07:47_ ** **_]_ **

 

The words that came out of Makoto’s room were distorted, probably muffled by clothes pulled over the blond’s head.

“Maybe if Haru-chan stopped staring and grinning at his phone all the time, he would remember I am a _guest_ , and _those_ don’t get ordered around.”

The comment made Haruka reach hastily for the phone, lying on the table in front of him. It did slide into his pants’ pocket just in time before Nagisa joined them at the table, but it was too late to avoid the short hoarse laughter from his best friend’s side. 

Haruka cringed slightly over the odour of the football jersey with Osaka’s name on it that Nagisa apparently intended to wear the whole day until the match started, and rather stood up, finally heading to collect his things for school, training and work.

But his friend was indeed right, that much he could hardly deny; he had become a technology slave. It was one of the things he would have never expected to happen to him, since there was a time, not so long ago, when that damn device rested peacefully turned off on his book shelf, and it didn’t even cross his mind to look at it.

But it could hardly be avoided.

What started as masochistic and self-tormenting, never-ending digging for a clue in Rin’s e-mails, now turned into electrifying excitement running up his spine every time the phone buzzed. Maybe it was the feeling he was somehow closer to Rin that way.

And no, he didn’t give in to every urge to tap each question, or every stupidity that crossed his mind during the day.

But the knowledge that he _could,_ if he wanted – and it would get him an immediate answer – was what made the day much better than all those before.

Nagisa stomped into the common room after him, bouncing on his heels. Wearing a mischievous, very suspicious smile – a realization that Haruka made as he turned around after a solid while of weird silence.

“Is it alright if Rei-chan comes over tonight to watch Columbia?”

Haruka looked the short man over, and went back to pushing books into his backpack. The question was strange, indeed, since Rei spent most of the nights at their place, anyway – those, during which the poor guy wasn’t dragged by Nagisa through every amusement park in the city. Especially since the World Cup started, and it was apparently going to stay like that until he returned back to Kyoto.

“Makoto’s exams start tomorrow.”

“Oh, I don’t mind, really,” his best friend mumbled above the books from the kitchen. “It’s the last match, anyway.”

“Hey, now.” Nagisa’s small frame bouncing with energy on the threshold stopped and turned, obviously irritated. “Makoto, you’re so pessimistic all the time! You know you have to cheer much, _much_ better. Because our boys are going to _slaughter_ them tonight. We’re gonna stay in the game, and you’re gonna apologize to me once we’re watching Japan – Brazil right here on this TV.”

Haruka raised his eyebrows over the short man’s naivety and shook his head slightly. Not that their team didn’t have any chance, but he knew enough to not keep his hopes high for tonight.

“Anyway, Haru-can.” The pink-eyed man said in a considerably huskier voice and leaned back – as if controlling if Makoto paid them any attention. Something hung in the air, and he could swear it was yet another brilliant plan. “I just talked to Jane over the phone-”

“You _what_?” Haruka interrupted, books in his hands halted mid-air as he straightened up, glaring.

“Shhh, keep it down,” Nagisa looked back in the direction of the kitchen, waiting for a few seconds while Haruka fought the need to smack the blond head as strongly as possible. “I _wasn’t_ prying...mostly...but she wouldn’t tell me anything about Makoto anyway. But I found out something else. Something about Anna.”

Haruka sighed, annoyed to the brim, and shook his head in disbelief.

He didn’t even want to start thinking about the way Nagisa came to know Jane’s phone number – but he sure as hell wasn’t going to leave his own phone just lying around unattended anymore. 

“It seems like she was staying with her father at some summer house, or something, but now returned back because of Rin, and Jane implied that the girl’s thinking about ditching the school in Sydney, and that Anna’s not doing very well after – and now listen closely – after Rin said he started to look for _a place to live_. I don’t know what she was thinking – that he’s gonna live with her and her father even after dumping her, or what?”

“Go get those groceries,” Haruka jumped into the way too long, nonsensical stream, heading to the front door.

He had just about enough of information for one morning.

“Pff. Talk about gratitude, Haru-chan.” A heavy eye-roll preceded bitter word. “ _Fine_.”

And it was when the door almost closed behind him that the blond’s yell made his hand stop on the handle for a moment, making the aversion against the blond ease more than just a little.

“Bring Rin, tonight, will you?”

Haruka’s lips stretched into a crooked, amused smile as he descended the stairs, his mind half-way on the training that wasn’t going to start before he’d sat through all school obnoxiousness, no matter how much he wanted to push the clock forward.

Nagisa might go way too far playing match-maker most of the time, but no one could deny that his plans had quite positive outcomes.

Sometimes, that is.

***

“Where the hell have you all been stuck for so long? Did none of you deaf idiots hear my whistle like half an hour ago?”

The whole locker room – up to that moment chanting _’Japan’_ like the hoard of crazy dumbasses they were – turned paralyzed for a short moment when the door flew open and the small man fell in like bad news on an easy Sunday morning. It took only one disgusted purse of Hirai’s lips to turn half the room into a whirlwind of shirts, jammers, and swimming caps; Japanese flags falling on benches like red leaves.

The rest, not belonging to his privileged group, snickered over the craziness that spread like an epidemic from one man to another.

Those grins did not last them long, though.

“I mean _all_ of you, idiots. The classification tests have been moved to tomorrow early morning. _Good news, everyone_. I just got the memo, so don’t go piss on my head.” The short man said, looking  somewhat bothered and jittery himself. And just before he turned on his heel a short smack of his notes ended on the head of an astonished, jaw-slacked swimmer. “Anyone not in the pool in two minutes exactly can pack his things straight.”

The door slammed behind him, leaving the locker room in a complete and utterly horrified, deafening silence.

Haruka pulled his goggles over his head slowly, letting them hang loosely around his neck, and it was probably the only movement among the petrified statues in various stages of clothes’ changing. Even the tense faces of The Princesses spoke that they, too, just heard about the news for the first time.

But unlike the rest, they stayed calm when the bomb finally exploded – the looks they kept exchanging the only sign of shock – and then slowly returned to their preparations. Probably already familiar with the man’s unpredictable treatment, they were trained to not get worked up over things like this.

Even if it wasn’t really Hirai’s fault this time.

The walls and ceiling shook with numerous expletives, and while emotions reflected against lockers like sharp bullets Haruka’s eyes turned right, searching for the pair of red ones.

The only person Haruka cared about hid behind a metallic locker door, though, pretending to search for something that was not to be found there. A cap fell out of it right to the ground, and his eyes followed the hand that reached for it.

Its fingers shook a little, making Haruka’s heart twitch with worry.

“You alright?” He asked silently, words hidden under the cover of clamour around.

Red eyes rose up to him, and there was a short moment of hesitation before the confident, toothy grin spilled over Rin’s face like an iron mask.

Closed up, inaccessible, arrogant.

“What? Why you asking?”

Haruka’s insides twitched with irritation, and he felt his eyebrows rise up to the ceiling.

_Like really?_

Deciding on a simple shake of his head after a while of incredulous staring, he forced his lingering eyes back to his own locker and let the question pass without answer.

Had the idiot really learned nothing during those last weeks?

_Dammit_.

The bare feet next his own shifted hesitantly, but he didn’t dare look at the man again. What for? He rather stepped aside to make place for Hagino’s skinny friend, hurrying through the locker room like a rally car. The boy made a beeline to the door, a laughably horrified expression on his face, asking everybody around if they had seen his best friend.

Hirai’s two minutes were almost done, and swimmers were still only hastily leaving through the door when Haruka decided that all made-up reasons to prolong waiting for Rin were finally gone. He had changed and folded all his things so tidily it would have passed through the army’s control, checked his goggles and cap a hundred times.

Whatever kept the man from leaving, he obviously wasn’t willing to share.

And Haruka wasn’t ready, wasn’t calm and alert enough himself. With a growing need he stared at the door, separating him from the soothing relief of the pool’s water. He needed it more than he had in a long time.

To get rid of the suddenly appeared irk, caused by the sudden news; to get himself together quickly. To take a breath by being engulfed by something familiar.

But it was too late; the thought was already there, oblivious to his will. A flashing warning sign on the inner side of his skull.

_He’s not ready._

The locker door slammed with a soft thud as he moved to follow after the last swimmers, lungs uncooperative, the text messages exchanged with the man this very morning twisting in his mind like a tornado.

He’d never gotten a good-morning text before. Who would send anything like that to him, anyway?

It was a treatment unknown, but so, _so_ easy to get used to.

A needed pick-me-up, a sweetness alive.

Now, this – it was just _too soon_. Too soon to cope with things like Qatar, and stress, and a possible – quite probable, to be honest – failure. Rin didn’t have time enough to find his way back to the pool yet, least to say be thrown into the whirlwind of tests and competition and other shit.

And Haruka didn’t have time enough, not in the least, to find even a semblance of idea what he was going to do about the two of them.

As his palm got a hold of the door knob he wished it could be just as easy as navigating through the Tokyo subway system; with a map in your hand and the whole army of signs on the walls.

Because, _damn_.

What was he going to do if Rin didn’t succeed? If the man tried and failed, anyway. If he decided, after all, that it was not really worth it?

That this life with Haruka was impossible to keep.

The door opened, sounds of the natatorium hitting his ears like jungle drums, and then closed back, slowly.

Because there were fingers curled around the wrist of his right hand, keeping him behind, gently, ever-so-lightly.

And it was as if they where nothing but small boys again when he looked back, and the brazen smile wavered and disappeared. Just for a fleeting moment, really – a hundredth of a second, no more – Rin allowed him to _see_. The cool facade shook and fell down as the man blinked; the milky wall covering turmoil inside turned bright clear, revealing everything.

What started somewhere around nervousness, ended at outright panic – reflecting Haruka’s own like a mirror.

And he had no idea what he was supposed to do while the hold on his wrist was getting stronger by every second – a wordless demand to stop it all, to make everything alright. He had no idea at all how to do such a thing, not when his own chest already exploded under the weight of doubts.

So he just went with the current; a thoughtless reaction led by a painfully contracting heart.

Quickly glance around the empty locker room, turn around swiftly. Place hands on both sides of the head, press foreheads firmly together.  

Wait there; wait just like that. Wait until the series of soft, jerky nods show he was fully understood.

_We’ll be fine._

The door to the locker room opened, and someone walked in, but the two of them were already moving apart then. Without another look Haruka headed to the natatorium, shaken and scared, but certain he was closely followed.

There was no need for a plea, spoken in unsteady voice, no _’stay by my side’,_ no other cliché. Not between the both of them, not anymore.

And, within the sharp ruckus of a natatorium, everything felt indeed better.

Easier with Rin; everything was easier with Rin by his side.

“Okay, tadpoles.” Hirai took in a breath tiredly, staring into his notes and rubbing his cheek, and motioned towards the starting blocks. “I want to see what your chances are before that committee representative gal gets her fancy shoes here tomorrow. Make sure you show me your best. Gonna start with 200 meters, free. Matsuoka – one, Asuke – two, Nanase – three, Hagino – four...”

The small man continued to assign lanes to swimmers while Haruka walked to his starting block, barely focused to search for the number three, and started to stretch his arms. One after another swimmers tapped past him, finding their own places – faces sour, fallen, or outright terrified.

“Where’s Hagino and Akiha?” Hirai yelled while walking right behind his back, uncharacteristic nervousness making his already hoarse voice even sharper. But it was a firm slap on Haruka’s shoulder, preceding his following words to the team, which shocked him more. “Where the hell are their fucking majesties? Can somebody _explain_ this to me?” 

The hand was gone in an instant, leaving astonishment in its stead.

Because with that small, subtle gesture he was being encouraged; he was being trusted.

Rin’s face was closed up again when Haruka searched his eyes to pass the message, an unreadable expression crossing it like a ghost as he bent down for his own warm-up. The man waved to the bleachers with a tense, almost non-existent smile, and Haruka anchored his eyes to the concrete block in front of him.

Damn if he was going to see and let it take the fragile confidence from his hands.

He rather lowered his head, trying to force his mind to focus on anything else but the girl in the bleachers. On the pain in his stretching calves. Cooling tiles under his feet. The beating of his own heart in veins on his temples.

The sound of Hirai’s choleric spree, reflecting against the walls of the natatorium.

On the only important fact – a certainty that they _both_ could do it. That they both had it in themselves. That they could make it through the tests, no problem.

They could, when the most rigorous trainer in all of Japan thought so.

“Hey, man. That your girlfriend?” The question shot unexpectedly through the air, travelled over the water of the pool to the other side and back, hitting Haruka’s chest like a baseball bat.

Haruka’s head snapped in the direction of Hagino, leniently taking the place between him and another member of the elite crew. The star swimmer grinned at tense-faced Rin, composed and calm, oblivious to Haruka’s deadly stare.  

“We all saw you in front of the building with her. Damn sexy chick, I have to give that to you.”

It made him feel sick instantly, it made him want to throw up; to take that stupid idiot around his idiotic neck and squeeze until he stopped breathing on the tile floor.

Was he never going to get rid of _her_?

What was he supposed to do to get a moment of peace at least _here_?

The pool was Haruka’s world, and she had no fucking right to be where she was now.

The natatorium shook with the laughter of Hagino and the other swimmers listening closely to their exchange – a feeling the missed joke was on them turned out to be true as the laughing man’s face turned to him.

Haruka kept staring forward, petrified that a reaction of any kind would only encourage them further.

“You heard that? You didn’t, did you? Eito here says he’d do her if she didn’t look like Nanase with long hair.” A heavy laugh reverberated the walls as Haruka’s heart convulsed.

All the more then when Rin smacked his lips at the laughing swimmer, disgusted.

“You watch your filthy mouth, ’kay?” A sigh, and then the man pulled on his bicep, coolly. “She’s a lady.”

_Dammit._

_Why now, of all times?_

Why did he have to listen about Anna when the only thing Haruka was supposed to focus on was the alluring water body in front of him.

He opened his eyes wide, a sickening hum in his ears, and prayed for the sound of a whistle to order them up to the starting blocks to come soon. And when it did, in the end, Haruka didn’t wait for anything. He launched up, pulling his goggles down.

“Oi, man. Easy there.” Hagino’s cap was on his place when he smiled Rin’s way, but Haruka simply knew, as the words left the man’s mouth, that they were, in fact, meant for someone else.

“It’s okay if _you_ don’t mind.”

Though Haruka didn’t have a slightest idea what he was supposed to do with the befuddling information.

Taking his position, unsteady and with dew starting to gather on the inner sides of his goggles, Haruka wished the azure depths of the pool could become his only focal point. 

But of course it couldn’t.

Because there was only a handful and then a few things that Haruka had truly wanted since the time he was born. Over the years they shrunk into a pitiful tree, and no normal grown-up person should have his mind occupied by water, swimming and one damned man all the fucking time. 

And it was not so long ago, when none of those ’things’ wanted him; when none of them bothered to speak with him; they left him all alone and miserable.

Learning to live without them seemed to be the only way to exist then, so he wouldn’t go mad altogether. To pull up a brick wall and hide behind it, to find the way to defend.

Then it was almost easy to tell himself how damn smart it was to just deal with being thrown off of the team, or to be rejected by the water.

To turn away from the kiss that he was dying for for too long.

But when Rin bent and took his position, and his strangely focused face turned in Hagino’s direction, a wondering stare flew past Haruka’s face like an arrow. And it hit him just as much when silence of a readying race was finally interrupted by the sound of Rin pulling on the string of his goggles, and a flat, confident voice.

“Actually. She’s just my ex.”

Haruka blinked behind the glass, realizing with surprise that the girl sitting up in the bleachers suddenly didn’t have so much of an effect on him.

Because if Rin had the strength to ignore the teasing – or the mocking of the swimmer, depending on how you put it – so easily, than he had it too.

And although he had no clue where that power to face it all had initially been born; whether in his chest, or in Rin’s own; it didn’t matter, in the end.

The blueness of water stared back at him, inviting, and for the first time he fully understood that the reason to hold back from the man – as dangerous as he was because of the way he held Haruka in the palm of his hand – was nothing more than his own yellow streak.

He would swear there was the smallest of smiles on those beautiful lips just before the sound of the whistle pushed his own legs off of the starting block with the strongest kick of his life.  

***

It had taken no less than five failed legitimate attempts and one made-up excuse to get from Old Ita’s shop half an hour earlier, ending with ten unfinished carvings, which were going to wait for him tomorrow anyway. The amount of the old man’s aggravation – immeasurable.   

Sixty-five steps up from the station’s underground, leading alongside broken escalators. No more than ten minutes of constant walking through the crowded street. Approximately three airplanes crossed the sky during that time, one bicycle surpassed him with a soft ’ding’.  

At least four white-gloved policemen directed jammed traffic at the busy crossroad on Hakusan-dori, blocked by two and a half crashed cars.

Two smiles from strangers wearing Japanese football outfits, thankfully not as sweaty as Nagisa’s. One barking dog, looking far more like a cat than anything else, throwing hateful glares his way as he dared to look at it.  

A few turnings of a key in the lock of his condo, fifty and some wild heart beats.

Two confused blinks on his side of the door frame, uncountable rich expletives on the other.

One red smear flashing through his field of vision.

“There,” Nagisa said flatly, wide pink eyes full of not-so-much-hidden meaning. Finally letting go of Rin’s shoulders, he pushed the man farther into the hallway. “You’ve got twenty minutes until the match starts. Go buy those _groceries_ , Haru-chan. I forgot. Oops.”

Two pairs of eyes looking at each other in complete disbelief.

The lights went out with a loud click of an old generator, leaving them both in complete darkness. And then one half-amused, half-shocked chuckle made Haruka’s stomach turn upside down, and grin somewhere in the approximate direction of his shoes.

_Damned little brat._

Several shaky breaths later Haruka heard the man clear his throat awkwardly, a sound so roaring within the sudden silence it easily won over the clicking of the keys in his own hands.

“Well.” Rin’s warm, laughing voice reverberated air particles, at last, way too close to Haruka’s burning forehead. “Seems we have no other choice.”

And maybe it was a bit unfair when Haruka took a step closer, fingers accidentally brushing naked skin of the man’s upper arm as he reached blindly into the dark, but it was definitely not his fault the light switch was exactly where it was. 

Not at all.

When light flooded the hallway again he found that their faces were, in fact, a little too close for it to be a coincidence. Not that he minded it all that _much_. It was Rin’s turn to blink stupidly and swallow now, red hue of his irises intensifying tenfold as Haruka straightened back and spoke silently.

“It seems like it.”

And maybe in the short moment of the following quietness, filled with nothing more than staring – grins slowly fading out on both sides – something was going to happen. Maybe, had he been a bit more patient with the man.

But in the moment Rin’s warm face started to move forward, he was already turning away, awkward and jittery like an embarrassed fourteen-year-old boy.

_Dammit._

It took him a while before he finally remembered how to bend his knees in order to start descending the stairs, which he had just gone up - as if he hadn’t had enough working out for one day. With barely suppressed face-palm Haruka pondered what the man was thinking about as they took stair after stair down – sounds of Rin’s sneakers against the concrete behind him soft and a little hesitant.

He wondered if he, too, was so gigantically aware of how quickly this ’ _something_   ’ was progressing, oblivious to the fact it probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do.

Also of the fact that they just missed the perfect opportunity for a kiss.

It took one exasperated sigh from behind to make him glance back, only to find Rin wiping his face vigorously. The man quickly replaced his hands with a crooked smile, though, and sheepishly scratched the back of his neck.

So the answer was _’yes’_ , obviously.

Haruka suppressed a snicker, pushing against the building door, letting the chilly night air cool his face down a bit.

Not that it had any chance to work, unfortunately.

And it must have been the most awkward and most breathtaking journey, at the same time, to the closest konbini that Haruka had ever experienced, despite crossing that distance a thousand times before.

Not that they didn’t try to speak; they both did. But Rin’s shoulder innocently and way too often touched his as they walked side by side, and knuckles kept accidentally grazing the back of Haruka’s hand – which he most definitely didn’t leave hanging at his side just like that with any specific purpose on his mind.

Most definitely. 

And after a few of Rin’s attempts to answer Haruka’s question, which were, in fact, about something completely different that the man seemed to think, they finally gave up on any chance for a decent conversation.

Whatever the reason, the time just didn’t seem to be right for talking.

So it wasn’t that big of a surprise, after all, that everything Haruka happened to gather until he pushed on the konbini’s door knob was Rin’s will to find a job. And something about Gou, something about something, and then nothing at all.

He couldn’t keep his mind focused enough to listen for any details, especially when he turned from the shelves, an oversized rice box in his hands, only to find long fingers reaching out.

A thumb brushed something away from his collarbone, reluctantly returning to his owner afterwards.

His eyes fell down to his own T-shirt, confusedly looking for a speck which could or could not be there; he most probably wasn’t going to find out. And then back up to meet the pale face, gathering nice red colour on the cheeks.

“So...uhm.” Rin cleared his throat, fist covering his mouth, hiding the smile that was sure like hell there. Because his eyes were shining more than the TV on the konbini’s counter, showing footage of previous World Cup matches, anyway. “What did you say we needed more?”

_He’s doing this intentionally, bastard._

“Flour?” Haruka pushed out, at last, mesmerized by the way redness under the black eyelashes glimmered playfully like a pool of burning magma. 

And also by the way the black cardigan fell right above Rin’s belt as the man finally relented and, after taking the box from Haruka’s petrified arms, threw the thing into the small shopping basket in his hands, and carried it away, up the aisle.

Black jeans were just tight enough to show everything Haruka wanted and didn’t want to see at the same time; leaving much more to his vivid, suddenly spurting imagination.

When Rin’s face turned backwards with his mouth open to say something, anything that was there way too quickly blended into a smug grin. And all Haruka could do was narrow his eyes at the man, because, yes, it didn’t take a scientist to figure out he was wearing quite a dumb expression. But having it thrown into his face like that was pretty stupid even for Rin.

He was staring, so what?

It wasn’t as if _he_ started this.

Haruka shook his head, reaching for the first thing in the cart that he kept pushing in front of himself. The baking paper, intended previously for Makoto’s favourite croissants, probably wasn’t the best fighting weapon, but it served its purpose as it landed on the back of the man’s head with a loud smack.

“Oi.” Rin’s face wore an expression of feigned pain as his hand shot up to rub the hit place. But like lightning it turned into one of passionate malice, making Haruka’s heart skip a beat. Automatically strengthening his hold on the cart, he knew he should expect the worst. “You know you’re going to pay for that.”

When the man’s basket travelled slowly to the floor, Haruka knew the challenge was accepted.

_Yes_.

“No,” Haruka objected fruitlessly, excitement running up and down his veins like the wind outside, and pushed against his cart to keep it between them. Old wheels screeched with horror that he should most definitely feel himself under the dangerous stare of red, determined eyes.

“Oh, but _yes_.”

And in the span of a second that Rin’s hand shot forward, trying to get a hold of his, Haruka already moved around. Safe and sound, untouched. The man’s eyes narrowed, sparkling with thrill.

Haruka felt his eyebrows raise provocatively, lips curling up.

“So slow, Matsuoka. _So_ slow.”

“I’ll show you slow, moron.”

If he did or didn’t really try to move fast enough this time, wasn’t actually that important. What was, though, was the feeling of warm hands curling around him, turning him quickly around.

Pressing a firm chest against his back.

There was no way he was going to fight anymore, now that he was finally in those arms. And, yeah, Yamazaki might have been right, might have had a point when he said those things about them, leaving Haruka in doubt again – even more than he’d ever been before.

But that man didn’t have the slightest idea how it felt to have Rin’s fingertips on the bare skin of his arms, hot breath in the crook of his neck.  

“Got ya.” A whisper travelled along the shell of his ear, making a quake shake his body.

All the more then as long fingers travelled down his ribcage and pressed there, turning the exhilaration into sudden and complete horror. Haruka’s body stiffened momentarily. With shaky hands he tried to get a hold on the provoking wrist, only to find out they were firmly anchored by the other man’s arms.

In a moment of utter silence, interrupted only by distant sounds of the already running football match, Haruka blinked, terrified.

“Don’t you _dare_.”    

But the warning, growled in a voice lower that he thought he could ever produce, didn’t have much effect.

A silent chuckle from behind preceded Haruka’s yelp, and then he was pushing back against the source of the worst tickling session he’d ever gone through – despite Nagisa’s continuous attempts. A loud cackle found its way up his throat, and there was no way to escape, no means to stop the laughter falling from his mouth like a flood.

Especially when Rin’s rich voice accompanied his own – a symphony of happiness like no other Haruka had ever experienced in his entire existence.

He fought for his life, yes, because there were few things in the body contentment department worse than tickling, and Rin fucking _knew_ how much he hated it. But the moment was also, without a single doubt, closer to fucking perfection than any other in very, very long time.

And Haruka wasn’t going to let it end before he lost his mind completely in the man’s unstoppable hands.

It took one last push backwards against the chest, though, as one particularly annoying finger dug under his ribs, and Rin’s back was hitting the shelves behind them like a wrecking ball.

One joined cry, and a torrent of yellow boxes fell on their heads, the rustling sound of thousands of corn flakes turning the aisle into the storm-filled forest.

“What the-” The man laughed out loudly, looking up to where the catastrophe came from, placing his palm gently on top of Haruka’s head. “You alright?”

Haruka nodded, desperately catching for breath, and curled arms around his own ribcage.

“Alive.” A quiver. “Barely, but alive.”

The relief was instant now that he was free, but it didn’t take long until Rin’s hands encircled him from behind, making it hard to breathe again. This time it was a proper embrace, though; no tickling, no other suffering – except for sweet and aching.

Kicking Haruka’s heart like a hammer.

“Sorry. But.” A smile got lost somewhere into his shoulder. “I just needed to hear you laugh.”

Haruka closed his eyes, and a sigh fell out of his mouth down to his paralyzed sneakers. It was honestly astonishing how easily Rin could formulate the best – and the worst – words at exactly the right time. 

_Damn him._

He knew it was inevitable, now. He was getting lost in this feeling, surrounding him like a white light at a peak of a hot summer day, so much he wasn’t able to tell if he was ever going to find the way out.

Cheesy as it was.

And he would most probably gave into it right then and there, turned in the man’s perfect arms and kissed the brashness out of him for good – it was way too unfair Haruka was the only one speechless here.

But a soft _’ehm’,_ comingfrom the other end of the aisle, made him turn his head to find an old man – up to that moment sitting behind the counter and happily ignoring everything but the shining TV – staring at both of them, lips pursed in very obvious disapproval.

Rin’s arms fell off of Haruka instantly, and then he watched, amused, as he awkwardly attempted to pick up all the scattered boxes.

Throwing them all into Haruka’s shopping cart.

He sighed, turning to Rin’s red cheeks when the old man finally crawled behind the corner and – judging by the screeching sound - onto the stool behind the counter again.

“What am I going to do with these?” Haruka asked silently, motioning towards the pile of cornflakes. “I don’t even eat this. No one does, really.” 

Rin shrugged, obviously not caring a bit, before one of his eyebrows jumped up, and a smug smile was back.

“You outta try new things, Nanase.”

Haruka had a hundred and one urges when it came to this man, but as Rin winked at him meaningfully and walked away to the counter like the fucking owner of the world, kicking his ass had instantly become the strongest one. Closing his eyes he smiled a little to himself.

This man was surely, definitely, going to be the death of him.

They didn’t end up buying the mountain of cornflakes in the end, nor did they take the too-big rice box with them. Deciding on its smaller version was definitely smarter, and, leaving the konbini side by side, they had their hands full of bags anyway.

The street Haruka lived on was thankfully much quieter than any of the frequented malls and avenues of Tokyo city, and there was not a single foot crossing it now as their steps resonated against the concrete pavement – everybody was most probably glued to their screens anyway.

And it was the only silver lining of the moment.

Because Haruka wasn’t sure how all those people would react to the beating inside of his chest, which must have surely been heard kilometres all around.

Annoying wind kept returning hair into his eyes, again and again, and anytime he threw his head to clear his vision, Rin’s body jolted as if awaiting a punch. And it was the third time in a row with the very same effect when Haruka suddenly realized that he was, in fact, walking on alone.

With a start he turned around, finding his own legs a little wobbly.

The man only stood there, unmoving, both hands heavy with bags. Staring, swallowing thickly; once, and then again – his adam’s apple kept jumping up and down in a dance of nervousness and hesitation.

_It’s here._

Haruka’s pulse flew right into the night sky, breaking through the pinkish veil of the city’s lightning and farther to the faraway stars of distant galaxies.

And even before the quiet _’fuck’_ escaped Rin’s lips and the man finally launched forward, Haruka was moving on his own.

It was inevitable; it was going to happen anyway, no matter how many times he was going to tell himself that jumping into it this recklessly after everything that had happened – after each and every time it had hurt like dying itself – was just plain idiocy.

It didn’t matter what anybody said.

Because Haruka never knew loving could hurt so _good_ before this man had returned to his life, and if he was destined to do the same mistake over and over again, then so be it.

But where he anticipated Rin’s lips to crash against his like they had a thousand times before, there was nothing but two palms, cradling his face as if it was something fragile, something precious.

“Wait a second,” The man whispered shakily. “I have to get it out while I still have the guts.”

Haruka blinked into the night, watching Rin’s flawless face from the enthralling proximity. Yellow light from the lamp on the other side of the street enlightened its side, drawing shadows on the other. One breath in, one breath out, and the man turned so serious Haruka thought his chest was going to implode if he wasn’t going to be kissed within the next thirty seconds.

The contents of Rin’s bags, still hanging in his hands, kept digging into Haruka’s arms with sharp edges of numerous boxes, while the man seemed to be searching for the right words to say. Apparently oscillating between courage and petrifying fear.

He couldn’t do differently but smile a little, wishing to know how to help while the moment stretched.

“Those frozen peas are quite cold, you know.”

And he moved his shoulder to point out the source of discomfort when Rin’s face turned into one of confusion.

A soft chuckle, and then the man licked his lips.

“It’s like...there’s never the right time to say this, with someone still around, and you’re almost never alone with just me, so...” A short intake of breath. “I practised this like million times over, but you see, I’m really screwing it up now that I finally have you this close, but... ’am... I just basically wanted to say thank you.”

Haruka felt his eyebrows furrow over the unexpected development, but the man was unstoppable once he’d finally thrown himself into the current.

“No one’s ever, _ever_ done for me what you have, and I just...can’t find the right words to say how much it means to me-”

“Rin.” Haruka objected unsuccessfully, trying to stop the nonsense.

But the man only closed his eyes, shivering slightly into the night.

“Nanase _, shut up now_ , ’kay? Don’t say my name, cause I’m going to... and I won’t get it done then, and it’s important.”

A small nod preceded words that Haruka couldn’t have seen coming even if he had spent weeks meditating over the possible contents of this already impossible, and mainly way too long conversation.

“I-I’m giving you a promise now, Haru, that I’m going to be a better man.” Rin said, licking his dry lips again. “For you. And... I don’t even know what _this_ is, or what it’s going to be, since I’m just me, and never for a second in my life I dared to think that you’d even look my way, not to say give someone like me an actual chance – but I swear I’m not going to fuck this up again. I’m going to give you _perfection_ , Haru, which is the only thing you deserve. So... what do you say, huh? Will you make this perfect together... with me?”

And Haruka wanted to roll his eyes. Because he didn’t need any perfection – what the hell was it supposed to look like, anyway – didn’t need any promises. All he needed was right here in front of him, holding his face in gentle hands. Although he could really survive without the added pain of Rin’s bags becoming heavier by every second. And those damned peas, freezing his skin – he would have left them in the konbini’s freezer surely, had he had any idea how much suffering they were going to cause.

But Rin’s eyes shone with fragile hope, born and grown much earlier, maybe somewhere on the empty beach under the colourful Australian sky, and Haruka couldn’t.

Couldn’t even jokingly try to belittle the man that he was so fucking _in love_ with, especially now when he waited for his answer as if it was no less than a life-or-death verdict.

“So?” Rin asked after a while of prolonging silence, giving a small, anxious chuckle, and it was impossible to miss the way his body started to quiver violently. “Are you going to say something?”

Haruka sighed, and closing his eyes leaned his forehead against Rin’s burning one.

Because there were a thousand and one possible things he could say, now.

Some of them romantic, some flirtatious. Some charming, some a little corny, but still sweet enough to stomach. It was given, knowing Rin, that the man would most definitely appreciate something sweet and witty, maybe even syrupy.

But there was only so much he could do while he had to deal with his own runaway heartbeat, and the butterfly touch of Rin’s fluttering eyelashes on the skin of his nose.

“I can’t,” He started, sighing into the warm breath; barely a centimetre separating their faces. “I can’t feel my shoulder.”

In a moment Rin’s forehead was gone, and Haruka grinned teasingly into the man’s suddenly aggravated face once he opened his eyes again.

“Nah,” Rin said, shaking his head a little when Haruka laughed out loud – sound surprisingly rich and happy to his ears. “You sure know how to spoil the mom-”

And that was just about everything Rin was allowed to say, period.

Because Haruka’s lips were on his, groceries in his hands landing somewhere on the ground with a loud thud of cans hitting the pavement, fingers curling around the man’s wrists gently.

_Shut up, finally._

And it didn’t take more than second before Rin caught up, letting his bags join Haruka’s own, equally oblivious to everything but the sensation of their skin pressed together.

So sweet and so, _so_ overwhelming.

Long arms curled around him immediately, pushed him impossibly closer, and fingers ultimately landed on the back of Haruka’s neck; tipping his head a little, so their faces fell to each other like two pieces of a damned perfect puzzle. 

A soft caress of a tongue on his lower lip and a hot breath that he took into his own lungs right away – it was a more than comprehensible order to let Rin in.

And he obeyed, immediately.

_Oh._

It wasn’t as if they’d never kissed before, on the contrary. But the first touch of their tongues now – cautious and hesitating on both sides – was much better than all the dramatic and fiery kisses they’d shared before.

Equally voltaic and intoxicating, yes, only more natural. 

More _them_. 

And it was driving him wild: the feeling of a strong, muscled back under his hands as his palms roamed shyly over the thin shirt under Rin’s cardigan; the man’s chest heaving hard with ragged breathing – not unlike his own. The sensation of a freshly shaved face, smelling distantly of soap and much more strongly of the cologne that he had noticed on the man before – the first time Rin had held him in the elevator after the worst dinner of his life.

The man’s lips, gently assaulting his mouth – the sensation was better than stealing first place from Hagino in the race earlier that day; seeing him beaten for the very first time ever.

But like always when he had Rin so close it ended way too soon. Only there were no hands pushing him away now, no words that would hurt like hell once his brain caught up with their content, no nothing.

Only a small, shaky sigh, and fingers softly running down his temple and cheek; red eyes following their trace as if they had drawn a map on his face. 

And a voice deep and quivering at its edges, whispering lovingly, and, undoubtedly, with a hint of admiration.

“Fucking one of a kind, Nanase Haruka.”

The wild smile on his face got lost somewhere in the crook of Rin’s warm, wind-flavoured neck.

_Love you, too._

 

Nagisa’s and the others’ faces said it all once they finally, after two or three short breaks – out of pure necessity spent in the shadows of buildings, tightly wrapped into each other – arrived home and entered the small common room.

The sounds of the football match attacked Haruka’s senses, but nothing could overcome the feeling of Rin’s fingers, entwined in his own.

And it was almost funny how Makoto pursed his lips after saying a vague ’hi’, fighting a grin; eyes fixated on the screen in front of them. Or how Rei cleared his throat awkwardly, hastily relocating to the space between two old armchairs, pushed to the room’s wall and occupied by their two other friends.

Leaving the place in the dark corner of the room, next to the pile of videogames and an old X-box, just for the two of them.

Or how Nagisa did his best to look uninterested, not even looking their way – despite the fact he was most certainly dying to do so – only staring forward, pushing a whole bunch of popcorn into his wide open mouth.

Of course, the little brat lasted just about five seconds before he grabbed the remote control, turning up the volume slightly, and spoke in a flat voice.

“That must’ve been the longest grocery shopping in the history of the human race.”

“Shut up,” Rin barked, letting himself down on the old, worn-out tatami, leaning against the cold wall next to Haruka. Not letting go of his hand for a second. “So how we’re doing?”

“Goalless, so far,” Makoto said silently, and sipped on his soda can.

But a quick glance, that Haruka caught before his best friend’s eyes returned to the screen, was full of unadulterated joy for them, and the warmth over such approval made everything even better. 

The room soon fell into comfortable silence, interrupted only by his friends’ occasional comments on the match and the soft reporter’s voice. And everyone’s, even Rin’s beautiful eyes, were glued to the screen – everyone’s except for his.

It wasn’t as if he didn’t give a damn about the match, which could send their team home way too easily – he most certainly wouldn’t have spent all those nights watching TV alongside an annoyingly excited Nagisa, fighting the need to smack the blond head to cool it down a little, if he didn’t care.

But now, in a small, darkened common room, a wholly different fight was just reaching its conclusion.

The one inside of his brain.

Haruka lowered his head, closing his eyes for a second or two. Basking in the moment, relishing in the enthralling warmth of Rin’s body.

Maybe the man was right, Haruka thought; maybe they could make perfection, after all. Because, hell, what could be more perfect than this, sitting here side by side; shoulder against shoulder, thigh against thigh.

He was going to find out soon, though, as long fingers found his jaw, and in the flickering, green light of the screen he saw pale lips closing the distance.

It was nothing but a series of fleeting, almost imperceptible kisses, really – nothing to be overly excited about, at least not in the way Haruka, in fact, was. Slow and innocent, the ones that made the dry skin of their lips stick together when they tried to pull apart. 

He could spend eternity like this, wrapped in a feeling of safety, having the back of his hand caressed by Rin’s fingertips. Staring with his eyes closed at the debris of all those protective walls, built around his heart over the months, and, mainly, the last few weeks.

They were lying under their bent legs, now, scattered all over the old tatami floor.

Because fuck all doubts, fuck the cautiousness.

He had already dived into it whole-heartedly, anyway – no matter how much he wanted to believe he still had an actual choice to make. And maybe it was going to end tomorrow, and maybe it was going to kill him just like it had tried numerous times before, but there was no way back now.

Rin’s nose nuzzled against his, so sweetly it made his heart skip a beat again, and a loving smile reached his half-lidded eyes just before it happened.

An unexpected roar cut through the comfortable silence like a knife, making the two of them jolt in shock and both draw out of the haze.

_Damn_.

Haruka blinked, trying to decipher why the hell Makoto and others were yelling instead of shutting their mouths now that everything felt peaceful and so damn _good_.

“What happened?” Rin asked hoarsely, sounding positively dazed.

Nagisa chuckled darkly as if the man had said something funny, but his face was tense and anxious when he leaned forward in the armchair, a hand finding its way to his mouth to bite on his nails. In the end it was Rei who actually offered an explanation, although equally consumed by some dramatic scene happening on the screen.

“Penalty was conceded by Yasuyuki Konno after a foul in the penalty area.”

“That’s _bullshit_.” Nagisa’s fist ended in the palm of his other hand, and he continued in a voice angry and agitated. “Konno-chan never tackles unless it’s necessary. And this was _not_ the case _._ ”

Haruka leaned his head against Rin’s shoulder and closed his eyes. What the hell were they all talking about?

Makoto’s voice came to him distorted, muffled by the fabric on the man’s shoulder.

“Nagisa, be fair, he clearly toppled Ramos.”

“Yeah, it was a clear foul.” Rin said, this time in a tad steadier voice.

The pink eyed man let out an angry _’tch’,_ trying bravely to invade Haruka’s attention, currently fully occupied by fingertips casually running up and down his upper arm.

Lifting the hem of his shirt’s sleeve a little.

“Yeah, as if you were actually _looking_ , Rin-chan. Stop making comments, will you?”

“Whatever.” Rin sighed, fingers abandoning their taunting administration, much to Haruka’s chagrin. Scooting a little on the uncomfortable tatami, the man sighed and pushed against the improvised pyramid of plastic covers, constantly falling onto his lap. “Who’s stepping up?”

A strong, lean arm rose to the air above Haruka’s head, and without hesitation fell on his shoulder, pulling him close again. And he surrendered, nuzzling into the crook of Rin’s neck immediately.

He didn’t care if he was sitting on a pile of needles, as long as there was a warm arm holding him.

“Cuadrado.” Rei’s tense whisper, dedicated to the TV, preceded Rin’s overly horrified hiss.

“Shit, he makes no mistakes.” A heavy, dramatic sigh. “We’re done.”

Haruka chuckled quietly into the skin of Rin’s neck, knowing too well what Nagisa’s reaction was going be after such a comment. The man was teasing their friend on purpose, and Nagisa seemed to be the only one who didn’t notice.

And maybe he was going a bit too far, yes, but hell it was funny to see that even the ever-cheerful man was able to get this agitated over something.

An amused, crooked smile played on Rin’s lips as he pressed Haruka so close that breathing was starting to be difficult, and he realized with a start that it was, in fact, nothing but Rin’s gentle revenge for everything Nagisa had done in the past.

“ _Shut - up,_ finally _._ Rin-chan _._ Gomake out with your boyfriend somewhere else.”

“Hell I would, instead of sitting here on these videogames, or whatever the fuck it is,” Rin said, feigning anger, pulling the _Warcraft III: Reign of Chaos_ from behind his back. He threw it on the pile of other boxes, but it slid off of it on the other side with a stubborn determination. “Why the hell did you get rid of the couch, anyway?”

Haruka’s eyes fell open.

_Thump._

“What couch?” Makoto asked, wide eyes on the TV, words muffled by the palm of his hand covering his mouth. Closely followed by Nagisa’s equally confused voice.

“Yeah, what couch, Rin-chan?”

_Thump, thump._

In the tense silence of an upcoming penalty kick, Haruka knew what the following man’s words were going to be, even before he spoke, this time honestly pissed-off.

“What do you mean what couch? The one you had before. Here. Instead of chairs.”

A few heavy heartbeats, two furrowed eyebrows, one pursed lips, and it was all signed, sealed, delivered even before Rei opened his mouth.

“They have never had a couch in this common room, according to my knowledge, Rin-senpai.”

Nagisa shook his head, giving Rin a funny look for a hundredth of second before his eyes returned to the crucial moment of the match.

“Rin-chan’s having another hallucination?”

No, they couldn’t possibly know, Haruka thought with the fluttering heart.

_Thump._

They couldn’t have the slightest clue where Rin had gotten the idea.

About the non-existent couch – the one his own e-mail had lied about once in a far-away past.

Within the roar of a crowd in the bleachers of Arena Pantanal Cuiaba he felt Rin’s body go stiff and unmoving in his arms, but he didn’t dare turn his head and look.

To confirm it.

To find out if he was going to have to make the most awkward confession of his entire life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone's interested, Cuadrado did score that penalty, and Japan was eliminated from the World Cup after crushing loss to Colombia 1:4. ;)
> 
> See you all soon!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> Here’s another chapter. There’s nothing important to say to keep you from reading, except for giving all credit of the world for editing work to amazing marbled_maven. I’m forever in your debt, thank you so much!
> 
> Now, guys, enjoy!

Like a phantom pain of a missing limb, a memory stored in his skin rather than his brain, there was a feeling that touches lingered on his body long after they were, in fact, gone.

Unquestionably still there, even though a loving hand was not there anymore; no fingertips to place another layer of their magic on his body.

The flickering green light of the TV shone through his thin eyelids while the wall behind Haruka’s head sent cooling waves to the back of his skull. His cheeks were hot, the back of his neck was hot. Everything felt hot, even the tatami under him was almost scalding – most likely just reflecting back his own fever. 

It surely had been no more than fifteen minutes since Rin’s phone rang, and he had left the warm place next to Haruka to talk silently, walking around their small kitchen, and most definitely no more than five since the man had called on confused Makoto, asking to follow after him. The two of them talked now behind the wall, quiet words muffled by the sounds of the football match closing to its disastrous end. Apparently about something that Haruka wasn’t supposed to hear, but he didn’t mind.   

Rin was still here.

A small sigh found its way out through Haruka’s nose, and he let the palm of his hand run over the skin of his upper arm for the hundredth time. Nothing changed, though, the feeling was still there – just as intense as on his lips and the side of his thigh.

Rin hadn’t left.

Cracking his eyes open, Haruka simply had to check on the place where his fingers dug into his own arm. Because, damn, there was no way there weren’t visible results of those touches, left after Rin’s painfully sweet, caressing fingertips.

As if the cells of his skin got drunk, needing more, insanely more of their newly discovered drug.

Voices, coming from the kitchen, seemed to somehow increase in volume and intensity, but no one in the common room paid them any attention. Both Nagisa and Rei had been mute for too long now, eyes still on the TV, obviously depressed by the catastrophic turn out of the match. The football jersey had landed on the ground at Nagisa’s feet a good while ago, rumpled and sadly abandoned.

Never in his life had Haruka thought he could feel this way – that it was even possible to feel this fine about someone’s closeness. Someone’s touches.

People’s insistent attempts of physical contact always annoyed him, disgusted him even; made goose bumps of the worst kind run over his body.

Yeah, he could survive his friends’ hugs. If they were short, though, and didn’t happen too often. He didn’t mind Makoto, at all – but his best friend knew him too well to invade his physical world on his own volition; except for rare occasions of congratulations and such, and it always left Haruka indifferent, yet still comfortable. It was a huge part of the reason why living with Makoto was so easy.

But the rest of the world’s population – it was out of the question.

Over the years, Haruka simply got used to the now established idea that he was not a tactile person.

Touching was not scary, per se.

But it was just _not_ right, and people should know how to keep their manners. Only they usually didn’t; always stepping too close, leaning too close while talking. Placing an annoying hand on his shoulder, as if it could make him listen to the nonsense they talked about. And for the love of the world, Haruka couldn’t grasp why it was so difficult to understand the simple truth of where their physical space ended and his commenced.  

Only with Rin – with Rin it was _fine_.

He didn’t have a slightest idea why having the man’s hands on him felt like everything was just as it was always supposed to be.

Shutting his eyes firmly again, Haruka ignored the way his own name flew through the kitchen like a crack of a whip.

Everything was fine.

It had been a big relief, truthfully, how two or three never-ending minutes after that idiotic couch had been brought up, Rin’s body had finally relaxed, soft lips finding Haruka’s again. Not even pretending to pay attention to the rest of the match, he had pushed himself deeper into Rin’s warm embrace and let the man lock him up in the safety of his arms; chin resting on top of Haruka’s head.

Like that, it hadn’t taken too long to calm down his heartbeat, making him almost laugh over it all.

Because, really, why frazzle about such a stupidity that Rin surely couldn’t get mad about, anyway?

Soon enough Haruka had found himself on the verge of a weird, nonsensical dream. Only, for some reason, he wasn’t able to cross its border fully. As if he was always distantly aware of strong arms curled around him like a lifebelt; as if his brain was trying to get a hold of something.

“Haru?” A quiet voice drew him out off the haze, making his eyes snap to the tall silhouette of the man he was just thinking about. A sterile white light from under the kitchen’s cabinet drew an aura around Rin and hid his face in the shadow. “Can you come here for a second?”

Without hesitation he pushed his body into motion and followed blindly – just like he always did – leaving Nagisa’s and Rei’s confused stares behind. Met with Makoto’s troubled face above the kitchen table, a worry bit into his chest.

Even more when the green eyes fell down onto the man’s folded arms as Haruka slowly closed the distance to the table, and searched out Rin’s face for an explanation.

The captivating curve of his lips turned annoyed as he ultimately halted next to the hunched man, hands deep in his pockets.

“Makoto,” The man growled into the darkened room, at last. “Spit it out, already. We’re both waiting, and I’m getting kinda tired of this crap.”

Haruka’s eyes snapped to his best friend’s face, instantly hiding behind the shelter of his big palms. A short, fierce pain made him step closer – the need to protect strong and ringing clearly. Seeing this man suffer was not doing anything good to his heart.

“What’s going on?” Haruka asked at length, an empty silence fading slowly into nothing.

“Hell if I know, _damn_.”

Rin vigorously raked his hair, muscles of his jaw straining with irritation. Dangerously and very fascinatingly, forcing Haruka to turn his eyes briskly elsewhere.

This wasn’t a very good time for seizure of his lewd urges, indeed.

“All I know is there’s this heartbroken girl, who would do fucking _anything_ to get this moron back. Only, of course, he won’t _budge_.”

“Rin,” Makoto finally seemed to take a breath and spoke tiredly, straightening on the chair. “I appreciate your concern, deeply, but like I already told you, Jane and I can handle it ourselv-”

“Like hell you can!”

It wasn’t just Makoto’s body that jolted at the violent outburst of energy that reverberated the walls of the small condo, and Haruka found his mind a little dizzy from the effect Rin’s voice had on his ability to think clearly.

Looking up at the man with hands curled into fists, it was apparent he was way too pissed off to realize how Makoto’s body language spoke openly.

Instantly closing up, cutting them both off.

“You know what?” Rin continued in a voice slightly calmer to slowly rising Makoto. “I don’t feel like reliving what happened that fucking night, either, and you’re right, maybe it’s for the best if we just don’t talk about that. Like, ever.”

Red eyes turned for the shortest second to instantly paralyzed Haruka, returning to his best friend at once.

“But I _know_ Jane. I simply won’t believe she would be able to hurt Haru in any way. Despite what she says, or you do.”

An intense burning in Haruka’s palms signaled loudly that he should tear his nails out of the flesh before they cut through the skin, but it was too hard to move any part of his suddenly feverish body.

“Rin,” Makoto said, an apparent warning in his voice – shouting loud and clear that Rin just stepped on the thin ice.

When his best friend’s politeness started to crack, it was time to clear the field.

“You should really mind your own business.”

“Huh?!”

Even the calmest ones had a limit that shouldn’t be crossed, but Rin didn’t seem to know that as his face turned into the epitome of pure shock.

“Cut the _crap_ , Tachibana.”

Haruka sighed, covering his eyes.

_Impossible._

“Rin,” he breathed out, wishing to know how to tell the man to calm the fuck down, without humiliating him in front of the other person. 

And as veins on Rin’s neck filled with blood running under the pressure of his athletic heart, Haruka’s body automatically moved between the two idiots. Protecting, securing no one would end up with a blue eye tonight.

Teeth all bared and dangerous, red hair set aflame, Rin seemed to finally understand that Makoto was running away, trying to find shelter behind the door of his room.

“Where the fuck are you going now?” Rin barked after his best friend’s figure over Haruka’s shoulder. Not really attacking, but seeking the answers, anyway. “Don’t you really care about her one bit? Did you really just _fuck_ _around_ with her? Is that so?! Is that what I should tell her?”

“Come on, Rin.” Haruka objected, heart squeezing painfully as Makoto’s hand froze on the door knob. “Stop.”

It was given Rin cared deeply about Jane, and it was just alright. She herself said they were close, and it did seem like it when the man held her crying in the bathroom yesterday. He wanted to play a knight in shining armour for her, fine, but everything had its limits.

No one was going to attack his best friend this way; not even Rin, period.

In a short moment Makoto finally disappeared behind the door of his room, smacking it behind with an earsplitting bang – although quite losing its dramatic effect as it didn’t close fully afterwards.

It took a few seconds until Haruka’s hearing recovered, and a relieved sigh found its way up his throat.

“Why the hell did you not help me there?” The pair of furious eyes anchored on him, sharp and accusing, and Haruka realized with dismay it was not the end, yet.  “Aren’t you supposed to be on my side, or some-?”

Haruka tsked, effectively bringing the weirdly mistaken monologue to its end. Letting a small sigh out of his nose, he shook his head a little.

_Nonsense_.

With courage quite jittery Haruka reached out and did something that he’d never have thought of doing two days ago.

Curled fingers into the fabric of Rin’s cardigan. Pulled the man slowly to him.

“I _did_ help you, idiot.” he whispered into the sound of his own pounding heart, stepping closer.

“Yeah? And _how_ exactly _?_ ”

And it must have been somewhere between the moment Rin ripped the fabric out of Haruka’s starved fingers and the acid question when the world fell a bit apart.

It wasn’t as if something catastrophic happened, no, not really.

Haruka still stood where he had been a second ago, heart equally racing; Rin with his mouth half-opened in a vain attempt to formulate words he obviously didn’t remember anymore.

A tornado of the man’s hot temper swirled around them with the last remains of its raging energy; wind picking up dust from the ground. And that stupid hand of his was left hanging in the air between them, empty and strangely paralyzed.

He blinked in shock, stunned; Rin’s mouth opened and closed, wordless.

The fridge moaned into the suddenly ringing silence as two pairs of eyes confusedly rose up to search for some kind of explanation, meeting halfway. Ablaze flame in the red ones instantly swapped with shock and something like shame, burning just as much.

“I’m-”

The man’s hand travelled slowly to his forehead in a gesture of utter bewilderment, but soon enough shot forward and pulled strongly on Haruka’s waist. Bringing him close to his chest, and it was warm all around instantly as he was engulfed in a hug; only wide eyes peaking over Rin’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry.”

Haruka shook his head, trying wordlessly to say it was nothing – because he knew, he fucking _understood_ that he had it coming all the way – for doing such a stupid thing, he deserved that much.

What the hell was he even thinking?

Yet all he could do was stare wide-eyed into the kitchen, realizing how easily not using his brain could turn dangerous when it came to this man.

“I’ll talk to him later,” Haruka mumbled hoarsely into the fabric on the shoulder, and a heavy, unbelieving sigh fell into his hair.

“I know. I’m such an imbecile.”

The warm face drowned into the crook of Haruka’s burning neck, and it felt almost cooling – the sensation of Rin’s skin pressed against his – and he realized with a start it was his own blood pulsing wildly through veins right up to his face.

“No, you’re not.”

_I am._

Because it must have been years since he had gotten this embarrassed last time, and what the hell did he get so flustered about, anyway?

The man’s reaction wasn’t any different from all those Haruka had watched during the years they had known each other – with Rin getting pissed off at any occasion for every little stupid thing. It just belonged to the man like sharp teeth and the redness of his hair.

Him treating every situation with equally wild zest was just normal, period.

And it was no one but Haruka’s own fault for getting burned when stepping too close to the raging fire; how could the fire itself be blamed for it?

Only he was _always_ stupid enough – agog and all impatient when in the same room – the sudden wave of want clouding his brain, turning it into an unusable piece of meat.

“I’m sorry, Haru.” A whisper.  

“Nothing happened.”

Somewhere between Rin’s heavy, shaky sigh against the shell of his ear and his soft, almost desolated plea Haruka tried his best to get his senses quickly back together.

For Rin, who seemed to be more devastated by this turn of events than Haruka himself.

“Can I kiss you?” A whispered question, and the man’s body shook slightly as their noses touched. 

A hasty nod, and then the butterfly touch of Rin’s lips made his already spinning mind get lost in a whirlwind of weirdly conflicting impulses – wanting to push and pull away at the same time.

It started as nothing more than a tame and delicate apology – not needed, yet offered, anyway. And with their lips sealed, moving slowly against each other, it felt somewhat just enough for now. But when the pressure on his mouth intensified, and a sweaty palm landed on his neck to hold and pull desperately, little bit too forcefully closer, Haruka didn’t seem to be catching quickly enough.

A fast intake of breath before the man licked in, all of a sudden thirsty and frenzied. An awed fluttering of his own eyelashes.

An insistent tongue dipping into the flesh of his mouth, searching for its companion and something else – probably forgiveness.

Only he didn’t seem to be able to give in this time; whatever the reason was.

A wet smack of their lips echoed almost obscenely in the silence as he pulled away, and the artificial smile on his face felt desperately lame. A warm thumb on his jaw froze, and a strange expression  shortly crossed Rin’s eyes when Haruka finally opened his own.

“Hey.”A small tick moved Rin’s left eyebrow several times. “S’up?”

“Nothing,” Haruka breathed out, placing a small kiss on the man’s clenched lips. “Nothing.”

It really was nothing, indeed. He didn’t feel an inch of anger in his guts, nor was he stupidly offended – he wasn’t a kid, for crying out loud.

It wasn’t worth a minute of their attention.

And, Haruka thought while curling his hands into fists and releasing them behind the man’s back – again and again to make them stop shaking – even if there was something small, absolutely irrelevant, crawling underneath his skin, he could manage it easily.

He didn’t put up a fight when long fingers pulled him gently towards the main door and to the genkan; to the borderline of darkness where light from the kitchen didn’t reach and far beyond, nor when the man pulled him close, tender eyes hesitating; observing. Not even when lips pressed against his own again. Shyly, uncertain this time; without the desperation of the previous try.

The sweetest good-night wish.

“About that couch,” Haruka started, breaking free from Rin’s mouth, searching for anything to say.

Regretting the stupid sentence at once, since this was obviously not the best time for conversation about his poor seducing abilities, which had so tremendously failed months ago.

“Forget it.” Rin shook his head slightly, and dove in again into his mouth.

Haruka blinked several times before catching up and deciding to shut his eyes firmly.

“I didn’t,” He said, swallowing a scent of soda, popcorn and Rin’s own flavour, forgetting how exactly the rest of the sentence went. “Lie.”

The man didn’t really get him any chance to explain further as insistent hands got a hold of his own, squeezing reassuringly. 

“I know you didn’t,” The man breathed into his face while distant sounds of Rei’s and Nagisa’s conversation in the common room delivered the information that what they were doing could be heard just as easily.

“Nanase doesn’t lie.” A smile, and a faint kiss landed on his eyelid, candid and innocent. “Not his style.”

And it didn’t quite matter anymore that what Haruka said wasn’t at all what he originally intended. It wasn’t the question of truth, or lie, anymore. Rin didn’t care, and nothing else mattered.

No one was angry anymore; everything was just _fine_.

Air around them slowly vibrated again, and the only important thing was Rin’s fingers, entwining tenderly into Haruka’s own, connecting them.

With almost no effort – starting a fire afresh.

“That won’t ever happen again,” Rin whispered into a gust of cold air from the open door, coaxing warmth off the side of Haruka’s face and shoulder.

“I know.”

With a last, unsure smile that somehow didn’t reach his eyes, Rin turned around and left. Staring behind his descending figure Haruka had to look away, not even knowing why.

It must have been that suddenly blinding light in the hallway, or an astonishingly strong memory of the two of them standing in the almost same spot less than two hours ago.

Maybe it was the way Rin’s body fought the need to run.

 

Two hours later Nagisa’s uncountable complaints and cries finally faded into silence as Rei dragged the crestfallen man for a drink outside. It was way past midnight, and there were no signs of life in the suddenly empty condo, apart from faint light coming from underneath the bathroom door.

Haruka turned the TV off, heading to do the dishes before Makoto decided to finish sulking in the bathtub. Water ran down his soapy hands and wrists, hot and calming, and Haruka sighed into the deafening quiet.

Where the hell was his mother so late at night, anyway?

A shadow moved between buildings on the other side of the street when he pulled the old window frame open to let the fresh air in – probably nothing more than a product of his tired mind. Shaking his head slightly over himself he grabbed a device lying on the coffee table; the one with Makoto’s big fingerprints all over.

Standing in front of the bathroom, he knocked lightly, only to get nothing.

“Makoto,” He sighed to the wood of the door. “I’m coming in.” 

Water splashed slowly when his best friend pulled knees to his chest as he stepped inside, not even looking the man’s way. Letting himself down to the ground Haruka sighed. He leaned his head against the tub edge, suddenly so very tired, and Makoto’s phone found its place atop a messy pile of clothes thrown over the old chair, waiting to serve obediently.

To get the man’s life back on the right track.

“Haru, I-”

“Call her.”

Up to tonight Haruka had no idea what stood behind all this nonsense, what could possibly cause his best friend to suffer so much. It could have been anything, really, and there was no sense in over-thinking it until Makoto decided to open up on his own. But the two hadn’t known each other long enough for it to be anything _gravely_ serious, right? Judging by Makoto’s reaction, he was somehow sure it was Jane who broke it up.

Never, _never_ in his whole life, would he believe this idiot was able to do such a stupid thing like letting go of the girl he loved without an actual reason.

Because that’s what it was, even though the man saw it differently.

“Is that all?” Haruka asked, exhausted, knowing that Makoto would understand. “Or did something else happen then?”

Did he not love her? Did he really not care about her like Rin said?

Hardly.

“No.” A whisper. “But it’s enough.”

A sigh and Haruka wiped his face, unable to decide if he was supposed to laugh or outright cry.

That night, that _fucking_ night, if only it had never happened. If he hadn’t gone to that stupid mansion, if he hadn’t talked with Rin. If he hadn’t broken down then; if Rin hadn’t disappeared.

With the certainty that everything somehow spun around that one screwed up decision of his – if he hadn’t spent that damned night at Yamazaki’s place.

If nothing of that had happened, Makoto wouldn’t be here now; a heartbroken man thinking that what he was doing somehow made his friendship with Haruka stronger. That he was just being a best friend – a duty he always took way too seriously.

How fucked up it was that this good man, this _idiot_ really broke up with the only girl he’d ever loved so far just because his panicked girlfriend had dared raise her voice at him?

For something so unimportant, something Haruka couldn’t care about less.

It was stupid, it was far too much, and it was so very Makoto-like that he couldn’t even get mad properly.

“She was scared.” Haruka pushed against his eyelids forcefully until the pressure drew colourful stains all over his vision. “And you’re exaggerating.”

“Any you weren’t? It was you who needed our support then.” Makoto asked silently, letting himself down to the water so nothing but his eyes peaked out.

Looking just like Haruka must have every time he tried to hide from the world and problems he couldn’t deal with.

“Makoto.” A sigh. “It doesn’t really matter.”

Water sung soothingly around his best friend’s body when the green eyes rested on him, unconvinced. Haruka let the smallest smile wander to his face, finally understanding.

Like now, like always – Makoto sought his permission, and Haruka didn’t have to understand it; he probably never would, fully.

But that was what their strange friendship was like. Makoto was more family to him than anybody else, ever, and even back in Iwatobi, with all the man’s parents and siblings around, he somehow knew it went both ways.

Brothers born of one’s stubbornness and the other’s loneliness, but brothers nevertheless.

“ _She_ is your girlfriend.”

But if he thought Haruka was going to let him stay stuck between their friendship – no matter how long-lasting and firm – and this, or any further relationship he was going to have, eventually, then he was insane.

It was time the man got his priorities straight.

With a last shake of his head Haruka stood up, reached for the phone and threw it to befuddled Makoto.

One sad, yet hopeful smile later, and he was one hundred percent sure the message got across successfully.

“Haru?” A firm voice stopped him on the threshold. And he nodded with a smile even before Makoto spoke, knowing precisely what would follow. “Thank you.”

The shadow was gone from the street when he looked out of the window once more, furrowing his eyebrows over the silliness. The door to his own room was still ajar like it’d been the whole night; an empty condo quiet and somehow cold.

Dragging his exhausted body to the bed, a faint, quickly fading light from his phone made the night a bit warmer.

 

_Matsuoka Rin :_

_[_ _U taste like nashi from mum’s garden_ _00:47_ _]_

**_[Is it good or bad?_ ** **_01:08_ ** **_]_ **

_[_ _I love nashi_ _01:18_ _]_

  

*** 

One last breath in, one last stroke, and he knew it was good before he raised his face up.

Before Hirai’s delighted eyes rested on him, before the expression of the woman next to the small man turned to plain wonder. Before his heart managed to slow down to the point where he could think clearly.

_We did it._

Water throbbed around him with pulsating electricity that made his head spin, so excited and joyous it was inevitable.

_We fucking did it!_

The sound of a whistle roared above the noise of the natatorium, delivering the end of classification tests with pomp, and it had never sounded that wonderful before as Haruka ripped goggles off of his head.

He wasn’t even breathless when a small hand shot to him from above, ready to help him out of the pool.

“God job, kid. _Good. Job_ ,” Hirai yelled somewhere behind the veil of humming in Haruka’s head

He hadn’t seen a stopwatch yet, didn’t know the results. But he didn’t need to.

The hard face was flat and emotionless as usual, but it was all in the way the small man’s body almost bounced in place as Haruka finally stood next to him, water dripping from his hair and skin. A strong, praising slap fell on his shoulder, and then rested there, squeezing tight.

Where he’d usually get annoyed over such a gesture, this time he didn’t give a damn.

An excited, butterfly-like beating in his chest overcame any other thought as his eyes searched for a red stain in a sea of other swimmers, slowly getting back on their feet. He needed to see it: that happiness, that electric toothy smile, always stirring something weirdly fantastic inside of him.

To share the moment they both needed like salt.

_Where are you?_

“Okay, tadpoles, here’s the deal.” Hirai clapped, excitedly, turning to the tall woman in her thirties next to him, while her green, definitely not Japanese eyes scanned Haruka with interest. “Bauman-sensei and I are now going back to my office to consult. You all are to wait for the results in the locker room. We should deliver in no more than an hour, so don’t go running around too much.”

It was hard to tell what made the men around Haruka more surprised while he searched among the crowd – either the way their trainer didn’t use a single curse in an utterly whole monologue, or the fact there was actually anything to consult.

The fastest of them was the fastest, right? 

Hagino’s pouting face said just about the same as he walked past Haruka, heading to the showers. It probably wasn’t the best feeling, he thought with satisfaction, to be dethroned so easily – especially by someone like Haruka – someone that had never seemed to be true competition for the man before.

No, he didn’t envy Hagino this.

_Where the hell are you?_

His eyes roamed around, but there was nothing but a bunch of swimmers resignedly discussing something, throwing unbelieving looks his way. The rest had already left for the locker rooms after Hirai and the woman, and there was no place to hide.

Unless there, in fact, was.

“You nailed it.”

The familiar voice was warm when Haruka’s eyes snapped to the pool, but its tone wore a strange, uncharacteristic melancholy.

It pushed his heart into an unsteady, irregular rhythm at once.

The beautiful face was smiling softly, long body hidden in water; arms folded on the pool’s edge held Rin from floating away while Haruka scanned the man thoroughly.

“You’re not getting out?” He heard himself ask, unable to formulate the real question.

The man shrugged, red eyes turning down to the tile floor, avoiding the contact Haruka craved, and all the happiness instantly vaporized as the gentle smile wavered.

Turned a little bit sadder, worlds more disappointed.

“I think I’ll stay in for a while, if you don’t mind.”

Water droplets ran down Rin’s forehead and cheeks, falling down to the water’s surface.

No, of course Haruka didn’t mind. 

His weirdly pulsating temples maybe did, though, as well as the rising pressure behind his eyes.

“I’ll wait,” He found himself saying automatically, letting his suddenly stiff body down to the ground, legs hanging over the edge.

Not daring to think about what it all meant, at that moment; what had just really happened. It wasn’t time to analyze what exactly went wrong, why the man wasn’t standing next to him with a winner’s aura floating around him like usual.

Only his fingers twitched in his lap as the man’s eyes blinked a few times, mind behind them searching for a polite way to send Haruka away.

To be alone at least for a while.

“You don’t have to. I don’t know how long I’ll be-”

“That’s fine.”

He didn’t hold it against the man that he didn’t want company, but leaving the spot now was simply not a possibility.

Cold fingers curled around his ankle to squeeze reassuringly, and with a last sober smile Rin turned away, eyes lingering back a bit too long before diving under the surface – kind of searching, kind of confused.

Kind of annoyed.

Haruka kept his hands in fists even as a veil of his own hair fell over his face, making the water under his feet a temporary centre of his universe. No, of course he couldn’t find the right words to say.

Like _always_.

But what was there to say in a situation like this?

That it’s alright? That it didn’t matter?

Because of course it _did_ matter that he most likely was going to get a place on the plane to Qatar, and Rin didn’t. That he won, and Rin _didn’t_. That the man now probably thought Haruka was going to leave him behind, although he didn’t even have time to process what had just happened, least to say to know what to do.

Today hadn’t been any different from yesterday’s race during training, Haruka reflected with a pounding heart. He had felt the same as his fingertips touched water; with Rin still there somewhere. They hadn’t raced in adjacent lanes today, that much was true, but Haruka had felt him strong and alive; his presence shining on the other side of the pool like a powerful magnet pulling him forward.

Pushing so strong it was almost _too easy_ to win.

The connection was there, undoubtedly, and Haruka was so sure that the feeling went both ways – just like yesterday during training when the two of them had almost tied, beating Hagino with ease – it hadn’t even crossed his mind that it might not happen again.

That confidence seemed to be, simply put, tragically premature.

Letting his eyes wander up from the water, there was a regular movement of arms through the surface. Cutting the distance to the place Haruka sat like a train, and there was something weird, disturbingly furious about it – activating the defence mode of his brain for a short moment.

Only he wasn’t going to be attacked as strong legs pushed against the wall at the turn and carried Rin astonishingly quickly away.

Leaving just the need to reach out after the old memory behind.

But this wasn’t the past anymore, he told himself, fingers digging into the flesh of his thighs, and they were not kids. Rin wasn’t kneeling on the cold floor, and Haruka wasn’t the one who slew his hopes of winning to dust.

This wasn’t the last time they would swim together, and it most definitely wasn’t the last time they would see each other.

_He’s not going_ anywhere _._

Sun painted its magic on the pool’s surface, powerful beams strong through his thin eyelids. And when he dared to open his eyes again, the sudden lack of colours around was alarming and sickening, even though it was nothing but the light’s fault.

_Damn._

 

In the end it took almost two full hours until Hirai’s steps resonated on the lino floor of the corridor, an open door bringing the sour sound of Haruka’s success. The tall woman entered right after, traces of tiredness on both their faces communicated that whatever the decision of the Committee was, it wasn’t an easy one.

Haruka sighed, face turned down to his knees, fighting the urge to scoot closer to Rin on the narrow bench. But there was no place to hide, no way to avoid all the eyes on him once the trainer’s mouth would open, delivering the verdict.

He didn’t want to hear it.

Murmur of the locker room entered like a dull and shallow echo into his brain, instantly turning into heavy blasts of unease once inside.

“Okay, is everybody here?” Hirai’s rough voice sounded exhausted as he stood in the middle of the locker room, bringing all attention to him and – as it turned out – the German lady by his side. Her lips were pursed tightly, and judging by the whispering around the room, Haruka wasn’t the only one who noticed the heavy tension between the two.

The small man cleared his throat, looking to his notes, searching for either a clue, or runaway courage.

“The FINA Committee had made its decision regarding participation at The World Swimming Championship in Doha, Qatar, and it is going to be announced right now by Bauman-sensei.”

The small man’s eyes met the woman’s serious ones for a brief moment before stepping aside, and Haruka’s mind seized with impromptu realization.

_I want it._

It was simple, and it was disappointing.

“Since I’ve already been introduced, I think we may safely focus on the participants’ announcement,” The woman said in decent Japanese, looking around the room with confidence of a successful athlete, although a former one.

Rin let out a long breath next to him, leaned his head against the wall behind, and Haruka pushed his head deeper between his knees.

He was starting to feel sick, and the man’s leg bouncing in distress in the corner of his field of vision didn’t help too much, either.

“The decision process was surprisingly eventful this year, and so are the results. I have to say I was a little sceptical at the beginning.”

The plastic of goggles in Haruka’s hands screeched under the pressure of his hands while Rin’s sneaker rapped a wild rhythm against the lino floor. The woman talked and talked then, unstoppable, and the wood of the bench was suddenly too hard to sit on without a single movement.

Its edge cut into Haruka’s flesh through the layer of his clothes while his mind ran elsewhere, quickly spinning out of control.

He wanted it badly, there was no denying.

But as his eyes wandered to Hagino and his poorly played apathy, he already knew what his answer would be – if he was ever going to be asked, though.

Because leaving the city for several days, with Rin here alone with his own demons, might as well mean he could return back to nothing.

It was the truth undeniable, and it had nothing to do with freedom.

Rin’s body felt a thousand miles away, and Haruka’s wooziness got even worse as he closed his eyes to get his stomach under control. A neon lamp on the ceiling flickered with last dying breaths, its light disappearing amidst the wild movement in the locker room.

He blinked, waking up from the stupor, only to fall right back in.

Something like spat chewing gum landed close to his foot, and half of the men were suddenly on their feet, one yelling over another like damned raging animals.

The Committee woman looked too shocked to breathe, eyes wide with terror. With hands held high in the air, Hirai was failing miserably to calm the ruckus down, and it was impossible to hear his own thoughts, least to say words coming out of the man’s moving mouth.

And Rin’s face was white like paper when he searched it for an explanation; lips snowy under the pressure, jaw firmly set. Dark shadows of eyelashes hid diluted, unfocused pupils from Haruka’s miserable, desperate attempts to meet the intense red gaze.

But it vanished somewhere in the crests of the dark blue lino – either oblivious, but more like ignoring him on purpose.

Without thinking his hand shot up, resting on the marble-like cheek.

And it was the second time in a span of twenty four hours that Rin shied away from his touch, face burning with an unfamiliar emotion and the very apparent question, was Haruka an idiot or something, doing such a thing here.

Like last night, like now, it had its rational explanation, and he understood.

Like last night, like now, his fingertips burned the same afterwards.

“I’m not taking this.” Angry and deafeningly loud, Hagino’s voice reverberated in the room, and the rest of swimmers seemed to finally shut their damned mouths and listen as he pointed at his own chest. “ _I_ had the second best time. Everyone knows that, although for some reason we still haven’t seen the actual times. So if there’s two spots, then _I_ am getting the other one. Not him.”

Hagino’s finger relocated towards Rin’s cadaverous face, voice shaking with pent-up fury.

“He was barely _fourth_ today.”

A hand rested on the man’s shoulder, and then a second – a silent plea of his friends to calm down. Men around shifted their feet, eyes wandering from one to another. Some curious, but most just openly uncomfortable.

No one in the locker room seemed to like the sudden change of atmosphere. It was one thing to disagree with The Committee decision, but entering an argument this way was scarcely seen and rarely tolerated.

“The Committee’s decision is final, and it’s based on more than times, kid. But you’re free to file a complaint anytime you want.”

Hirai’s hard face showed he was expecting this kind of reaction after the announcement. Prepared and ready to stand against the resistance, he straightened into his full height – small, but somehow dignified.

“You bet I’m gonna do that,” The star spat, turning on his heal and stomping to the door. Knuckles white on the door handle, he turned one last time, facing the trainer.

“Think twice about what you’re gonna say, kid,” Hirai said slowly, anticipating the poisonous closure.

When Hagino’s voice reflected against the walls again, the German woman seemed to be close to fainting.

“It’s one thing Nanase can’t swim to save his life without him around, we all know that much. But you’re a trainer, not a nanny. Pack him in Nanase’s suitcase, or whatever. Don’t go fucking giving the man a spot he didn’t _earn_.”

With that he was gone, leaving an awkward silence in his stead.

“Well, any other objections?” The small man breathed out, wiping his sweaty face into a handkerchief, and Haruka realized it was the way he was clenching the bench that was causing an almost unbearable pain in his knuckles. “Fine. Dismissed. Get the hell out. Now.”

The shock didn’t recede as Haruka kept staring forth.

Not even when Rin’s body next to him launched up, fingers almost ripping the locker’s door from its hinges. Snatching the bag with force, its strap slapped the back of Haruka’s head. Not painfully; just enough to make him look up to the expressionless, straight face.

_He’s going to cry._

There was no way to stop the man from running away now; Haruka knew it, and could do nothing about it.

He just hoped it was to his home only, not anywhere further.

“Don’t mind him, dude, he’s not serious.” A voice stopped Rin’s hands in their furious battle with clothes that refused to get into his bag, and brought Haruka’s eyes to the swimmer smiling on the other side of the locker room.

He vaguely remembered his name, but had never really talked to the guy before.

“Yeah.” The other member of The Princesses joined the attempt to ease the suffocating tension. “He’s just a bit pissed off now, s’all. He’ll get over it once he’s all calmed down.”

A dark, incomprehensible murmur came from above, and a locker door shut with a loud bang, but Haruka didn’t dare to look again.

“Are you coming, or what?” The words brought Haruka’s hazy eyes up, after all.

And there was no way to keep the happiness from exploding inside of his heart like colourful fireworks.

_He’s waiting for me?_

Hastily he nodded, a spark of hope flashing full force inside of his chest.

Everything was okay, everything was totally fine.

Rin wasn’t that angry, after all. Maybe Haruka misjudged it all.

“Hey, we were about to throw a party tonight,” said someone outside of Haruka’s spinning world, “Should’ve been for Hagino, but screw him. Doesn’t matter who’s the winner, as long as it stays in the team, right? At my place?”

Rin’s almost white fingers pulled on the bag’s strap, scanning the boy’s face with downturned lips, and he didn’t say a single word while he waited for shaken Haruka to finally catch up.

“Hey, you!” Someone yelled good-heartedly as the door was closing behind them, but hunched shoulders didn’t move an inch. “Bring that ex-girlfriend along, if you’re coming, too. We’ll be good, I promise.”

Rin’s steps were long and quick in the echoing corridor, and it was hard to keep the pace when the man seemed to walk on a faster spinning planet. In no time Haruka fell behind, fingers burning in the pockets of his hoodie at the sight of the quickly rising distance.

_Wait for me, dammit._

But he most definitely wasn’t going to do the same stupid thing again – to reach out, to grab a hold of the man while he was in this state.

Getting rejected two times in a row was just enough.

_Please._

 

***

“Welcome to the very first Toyo University Festival 2014 meeting. I _know_   each faculty member is terribly busy with work on their own section, but we’re here to coordinate our effort and bring it to a fruitful and successful finish line.”

Heavy clouds rolled over the sky like fat sheep, greyness behind the window promising at least a light sprinkle, and Haruka was pretty sure the reason for it was the overly excited boy occupying the front of the classroom. Several minutes of half-hearted listening – or more like staring out of the window to the university gardens – and even he felt like crying. With every word, spoken in an affected, pretentious voice, with each pompous movement of his hand the boy was quickly losing Haruka’s attention, until he had exactly none.

Not that he minded the boy’s screaming sexuality, _obviously_ , but just how much was too much?

Chin digging into the flesh of his palm, Haruka thought there wasn’t any reason to listen, anyway.

He was here just because he had to be, and no one expected anything from him except to be present. At least that was what Rachel had claimed this morning as she finally bothered to notify him about his not-so-voluntary participation with a white, flashing American smile.

Only now, sitting next to him she looked jumpy and edgy; ready to explode at any moment. She would either break to tears, or kick someone’s head off the moment _’Faculty of Letters_ ’ came out of the boy’s annoying mouth, that much was sure.

At least he wasn’t the only one with a shitty day behind.

“Give me the papers, Haru.”

With a heavy sigh escaping through his nose, he forced his limbs to move for the first time since throwing his ass down on the chair. With fingers stiff he reached for his bag and felt around it blindly.

A pen, a yellow marker, a phone; all disappearing within the depths of the bag after each clumsy touch. Too many books, a small plastic sack, and finally – a copied version of his notebook.

“Thanks,” She whispered, skimming through the lists, even though she’d seen them a hundred times in their original version. A beat of silence preceded her muted voice again. “It’s really good, you know? Like...I’m really impressed, Haru.”

_Fine, fine._

Haruka hummed noncommittally, pulling the unknown sack out and turning it back and forth in his fingers.

“But.” A nervous sigh. “I need to ask you something.”

How did this thing get in there?

And what the hell was it?

“Have you, by any chance, been inside my office as of late? I mean...like without my presence.”

 “What?” Haruka let out, weirded out by the unexpected question, eyes scanning the way plastic straps were tied on the sack’s top so nothing would fall out. Its front wore the name of an unfamiliar shop, but the logo spoke of a pharmacy, or something similar.

Ripping the plastic with an annoyed sigh, he narrowed his eyes in a vain attempt to decipher the strange looking characters on top of the box. The silence was filled with nothing more than a soft rattling sound as he slowly turned it around, and Rachel’s inner fight while she gathered the courage to ask one more time.

He had a very bad feeling about both.

“Did you, or did you not break into my office earlier today and take the originals of all your works? I swear, if you tell me the truth, it’ll stay between us two. But I have to know.”

“Hmph?”

Haruka’s eyes snapped to the uptight girl in a vain hope for some kind of explanation.

“Why would I do that?”

But her own were downcast, long eyelashes fluttering wildly, pink lips turned into the shape of a small, cute ’o’. And following her gaze to his own hands it finally, ultimately, caught up even with him.

Yes, _yes_ , he officially had the slowest brain in the whole, endless universe.

With a speed that must have broken records, Haruka pushed the box of condoms into the bag’s depths, wide eyes glued straight to the corridor between school-desks.

_What the actual fuck?_

He swallowed. He cleared his throat. He shifted uncomfortably on the chair.

He forced his stare out of the window again, fighting hard to keep his face straight.

Well, to be honest, this time Nagisa had really gone too far. And he was only sure about one thing while he waited for Rachel to stand up and run away from the psychopath next to her, who just checked on his sex supplies in the middle of a festival prep meeting.

The little brat was going to beg to die a painful, long death when Haruka was finished with him.

“Well,” His teacher said, voice wavering, and rose up to speak as she seemed to have been called to the front of the classroom. “It sure wouldn’t be the first time, would it?“

It took him a serious while to understand she was still, in fact, talking about the break-in to her office nonsense, and not his sexual experiences.

What the fuck was Nagisa even thinking, doing such a thing?

Besides the obvious fact that the little brat would tell him otherwise – although Haruka was pretty sure surprise spiced up with humiliation was exactly what he was going for – it wasn’t making things any easier.

Haruka wasn’t stupid. Wasn’t any saint, too.

What good would it do to deny that he could barely think of anything else since the moment Rin had pressed him against the wall in front of the dance club and pushed his tongue down his throat?

It was exactly what Haruka wanted, after all.

It had never really crossed his mind, though, that the imaginary world of his jerking-off fantasies might actually turn real one day.

Fantasies of him, of Rin, of a dark room with a messed-up bed, fully occupied by two men’s moving bodies; damp sheets on the ground.

Of Rin’s hot sweat mingling with his own; two crazily beating hearts; his own name on Rin’s lips. Of teeth marks on shoulders and hips, slowly coming out visible.

“Let me introduce you to the author of a booklet.” Rachel’s voice came to him like from the other end of a tunnel, hotness burning up his neck, and everything around felt weirdly, almost horrifyingly real all of a sudden. “As well as impossibly fantastic translations that you can find over there on the table at the back. I’d like to form some idea of the quality, which is truly exquisite, so please allow me at least to read a short excerpt of a poem.”

As if the unbelievable reality had finally caught up with him. As if the sweet ache flooding from his chest down his body was a palpable proof his life was not the same anymore. 

Someone cleared their throat.

Someone opened a window.

A nervous, still a bit shocked smile crossed Rachel’s face before her eyes fell down to the papers in her hands.

And meanwhile, Rin was _his_. Meanwhile, Rin wanted to do all those things with _him_.

For real.

“Listen! I will be honest with you. I do not offer the old smooth prizes, but offer rough new prizes. These are the days that must happen to you.”

A big oak in the school garden swayed slowly to the wind, naturally accepting its pace and submitting to the wordlessly blown orders.

Oblivious to the fact that two days ago – not a year, or a month, but two fucking _days_ – Haruka would’ve never thought he would be sitting here, clutching onto a bottle of extra smooth lube as if his damned life depended on it.

Making it look like being with Rin in _this way_ was a normal _,_ ordinary thing to do – not a reason for running up to the school roof and either doing a happy dance, or jumping off of it straight.

“However convenient the dwellings, you shall not remain there. However sheltered the port, and however calm the waters, you shall not anchor there.”

Haruka would happily stand up, unbuckle his pants and run to the man bare naked right now – the thought had actually crossed his mind – but it wasn’t that simple.

“Afoot and light-hearted, take to the open road.”

For starters, it wasn’t as if he had any space for doing such things – not with half of the world occupying his condo, and who knew when Rin was getting his new place that Nagisa had mentioned before?

Should he ask?

The wind outside seemed to be getting stronger, bending the old oak’s branches to the side, and Haruka couldn’t stop the track of his thoughts even if he wanted.

Because who knew, right?

Who knew what Rin’s face looked like while coming?

“I give you my love, more precious than money, I give you myself before preaching or law.”

Who knew what sounds he made at that very moment.

“Will you give me yourself?”

A moan, or rather something like a growl?

Picking up one of Rachel’s pencils, scattered over the desk, Haruka sighed into the stale air of the classroom, wishing to turn the clock on the wall forward.

_Just calm the fuck down._

No, it most certainly wasn’t the best idea to rush – after everything and _everyone_. It would be much, much better to wait for things to settle down a bit; for the pressure to ease.

After today’s amazing happenings, to add, it was a billion yen question what the inside of Rin’s mind looked like.

A pencil’s tip dug deeply into the weak desk’s wood as Rachel’s voice finally delivered the end of the poem in a sweet voice.

“Shall we stick by each other as long as we live?” 

_How is he going to have me?_

 

 ***

_Yamazaki S_

_[Wanna hang out tonight?_ _18:04_ _]_

**_[Sorry, I can’t._ ** **_18:15_ ** **_]_ **

_[Thought he’s out with princess of darkness for some party_ _18:19_ _]_

**_[We’re going together._ ** **_18:25_ ** **_]_ **

_[ROFL good luck. Care to explain?_ _18:35_ _]_

**_[Do you want to come along?_ ** **_18:47_ ** **_]_ **

_[Another group meeting? Nah, I think I’ll pass, thanks_ _18:53_ _]_

_[Or do you need a buffer?_ _18:56_ _]_

_[I really don’t mind going, dolphin._ _19:15_ _]_

**_[It’s fine. Thank you._ ** **_19:36_ ** **_]_ **

_[Call if it’s too much_ _19:39_ _]_

 

It was the reek of a cheap meal coming from some other dirty apartment in the house – like meat that had been left for too long in the heat or something – that turned his stomach upside down. It was the unstoppable blaring of something that could hardly be called music. People’s fucking voices on the streets. 

It was the prospect of a night spent alongside _her_ instead of pushing unstoppable fingers under Rin’s shirt somewhere in the dark.

It was a _’you deserve a celebration’_ in almost artistically varied ways all three times Haruka had dared to open his mouth and object he did not, in fact, need any.

It was the distant, yet still traceable taste of tobacco on Rin’s tongue, hidden under the candy’s sweetness as the man had met him under the stairs of his building with a smile. It was fifteen endless minutes of meaningless talking – probably to fill the silence, conceived and pampered by Haruka’s sealed lips after this lovable realization.

It was the impossibility of being able to shut Rin’s mouth with a damned kiss, or hold his hand. To run fingers through his slowly growing hair; to loop a finger into his back pocket. To place a fucking palm on his cheek in a packed locker room, because they were both men in damned public.

It was the fact he hadn’t jerked off for weeks.

Or that he had had exactly nothing to add to the extremely funny _’Australia’_   conversation between the three as he pushed ahead through the crowd filling the old market of the city’s poor quarter, turned the corner to the narrow side street for a party he’d do anything to avoid, and walked down the corridor of his teammate’s house, leaving Rin and the girls in tow.

It was nothing, and everything, and it didn’t really matter what it truly was. 

Now Rin was looking at him with an expression of a wounded animal, as if the world was about to end any second just on Haruka’s command. And in reality it might have been less than two minutes of silent waiting for the door to open, but it felt like the whole ice age had passed in the meantime, and it wasn’t time to analyze the reasons.

Haruka sighed, eyes falling to his muddy sneakers. Unable to decide if it was bad or even worse that Rin wasn’t the only one who had heard him speak out, he thanked gods when the door handle finally shook with force of someone on the other side.

He thought the words were silent enough to be covered by the deafening metal song coming through walls and his own shuffling steps. Meant to no one and everyone at the same time, not _really_ angry; just a stupid way to let the sour steam off.

_Shut up._

But with each joined memory of places Haruka had never been, and never would go to, of every friend he had never met, of every _single_ thing recalled by Rin’s laughing voice, it was harder to believe several hours ago he couldn’t wait for the night to come.

Night skinny dipping with some Lisa and Pete.

_Shut up._

That prawn at Doyle’s is to die for. You should definitely try it out, Haru.

_Shut up._

Some ugly Melanie girl trying to blow Rin a kiss in front of the whole crew.

_Shut_ the fuck _up._

“Hey,” Someone yelled drunkenly over the music as the door opened, but he couldn’t look up, not with a pair of glimmering eyes glued to the side of his face, and his own irritation briskly mutating into blinding guilt. “The champion’s here!”

An insistent arm curled around his shoulders before he had any chance to even start formulating any believable apology, and pulled him inside.

The apartment might have otherwise looked normal while humble, but now it looked worse than a sump. And squinting into the dark Haruka understood this was unlike any party he had ever been to in his whole life.

Some of The Princesses were present, but beside them the room was full of people he’d never seen in his whole life. Mostly women, though, skimpily clothed and barely of legal age. Some people danced, some people laughed; not a single one was sober. It was not an actual question – alcohol was far the weakest poison those people ran onto. 

Over there in the corner Hagino’s skinny best friend was feeling a blond two times bigger than him.

Two girls made out against the counter of a small adjacent kitchen, and the redhead one didn’t mind a hand in her short shorts in the least.

“Look everyone! Nanase the fucking boss’s finally here!” A boy that Haruka distantly registered from the team yelled into the room, and a few faces turned their way.

Shaking an annoying arm off of his shoulders he fought the almost uncontrollable urge to turn around and run for the hills.

“Come on, everybody! Raise your fucking glasses to the champion. He’s gonna slaughter them all there.”

They did, indeed, half of the crowd howling something incomprehensible as Haruka scanned the filthy scene –as if they really could feel happy for him – and it almost made the two words coming from behind his back disappear in the blinding noise.

Words miles distant from his own from a while ago, nice and polite, yet hitting the target equally precisely.

“To you.”

Haruka turned his head around slowly, meeting a smile that was genuinely happy and cracked at the same time – a combination such schizophrenic it was hard to believe it existed. A small nod and then the contents of a beer bottle ended in Rin’s mouth.

A bitterly loving gaze lingered on him even when Haruka trembled, and he didn’t know, had _no idea_ what was worse; the adoration, or the crushing disappointment in those perfectly shaped eyes. And suddenly he could see how the night had been planned to be a nice time together, a shared moment of joy – even though it didn’t match his own ideas – and how it was everything but.

Jane looked pained when he dared to look her way, and she obviously wasn’t the only one who noticed the remnants of glee over the participation in Qatar fly out of their small bubble, digging its grave in the dried out flowerpots on the window.

Anna spoke flatly, bringing the very first good idea of the day.

“We’ve come, we’ve partied. Mission accomplished, let’s get out of here.”

“No.” A stubborn shake of a red head, and Haruka watched, unease knotting his stomach, how the girls exchanged concerned looks. “I’ve told you Haru deserves a proper celebration. Now let’s find us all something to drink.”

Maybe he should just reach out and grab the forearm, Haruka thought, drag Rin out of the stinky hole to the god’s light. Kiss him senseless and just go with the flow then. Try his best to squeeze the goddamned apology out; to find words to say it was all okay, that today hadn’t really happened. That there would be countless other competitions, that there would be Rio, damn it. That this time didn’t really count. 

That no one was better than the other just because a stopwatch said so.

That they were in this _together_.

But a sparkle burned violently in red eyes before Rin disappeared into the kitchen, and he didn’t do any of it in the end.

A small hand rested on his cowardly shoulder, and the side of Jane’s face seemed troubled when she stood next to him.

“He’s really not coming, tonight, is he?”

“No,” Haruka said to the deafening refrain of another hard-rock piece of art, contemplating his conversation with Makoto might have not been enough, after all.

His best friend’s _’no’_ had been firm enough earlier tonight, but, honestly, Haruka hadn’t pushed too much. It was understandable exams took all of the man’s energy to the point of no return.

With a purse of her lips and a small, tired nod she disappeared in the kitchen, tip-toeing around the pair, who in the meantime had started to take it seriously on the dirty, stained counter.

“I hate this kind of music.” An already familiar, disgusted voice said somewhere close to his ear, and Haruka closed his eyes for a moment, wishing it was just a nightmare. “Let’s get some air outside."

He sighed, looking to the other side.

Was she insane?

Did she really think they were going to talk?

As if nothing had happened, as if they got along?

He didn’t know what to do with her presence in Rin’s life and, yes, he apparently could do next to nothing about it, but it didn’t mean the two of them were friends, or that he had to like her any better just because she wasn’t _the girlfriend_ anymore.

Anna might be aware of all that as she spoke again, though, eyes following after a young girl, exiting the apartment to join her friends on the tiny terrace.

“Just so you know, I asked him to take me along tonight, and he allowed me to talk to you this one time.” The old door to the terrace opened again to the surprisingly warm night as she pushed against the dirty glass and added in a voice quieter, somewhat different from her usual sassy self. “Let’s get over it soon, Haruka. I might have overestimated myself tonight.”

Either it was the unbearable need to hit his head against the wall, the way the silhouette of her back against the street lamp looked strangely bony and fragile, or it was nothing but complete madness that made Haruka follow her outside.

The small terrace was even filthier than the rest of the apartment, but at least people here seemed an inch more sober, and it was easier to breathe without music blasting through his chest. He watched her park next to a group of smoking, horny athletes, and lit up her own cigarette with the confidence of someone who didn’t give a shit about what they had to offer.

Of a girl who knew someone light years better than they could ever be, counted and multiplied.

In that regard, Haruka could very much relate.

“So.” She started when he finally approached her cautiously, hands in his pockets, and leaned against the brick wall. “I would like to assure you there’s nothing to worry about from my side. I’ve told him many times, and now I’m telling you.”

A moment of silence passed as Haruka’s surprised eyes scanned the side of her face, lips taking another long intake of smoke.

“I won’t do, or say a word against you and your...relationship, that I promise, and you have to believe me.”

Stepping aside for a too-young looking girl who spewed her dinner, lunch and probably even breakfast at their feet, Haruka faltered.

Completely, utterly befuddled, he wasn’t afraid to admit this was something he never expected to hear from her; not in a million years.

Her eyes spoke loudly while she waited for her words to sink in: he was too slow. But he couldn’t do differently, couldn’t fight the need to ask.

“Why?”

“What do you mean _’why’_?” Anna asked, irritation shaking her voice, apparently much more than she wanted.

The cigarette in her fingers trembled wildly, and there wasn’t an inch of warmth in the words as she spat them in a rush, a flood gates opening with a definite bang.

“Because _this_ is what he wants, because he’s trying so hard to make it work, and I’ve never seen him like that before. Just because.” A long intake of smoke into her lungs again, and she let it out through her nose shakily while Haruka hesitated, needing much more time to process what he had just heard than just a few seconds. “Because he’s horrified I, or _anyone_ for that matter, am going to hurt you in some way, and you will run for the hills.” 

Haruka blinked stupidly, eyes travelling from a group of boys, trying to get a desperately drunk girl back on her feet again, through the chiseled roofs of buildings on the opposite side of the street, to Anna’s frame shaking next to him like a leaf in the wind.

With her chin held high, vivid blue eyes anchored to the slowly dying plant hung on the brick wall, she looked just as she always had – strong and unbeatable. Only her forearms reminded him more of sticks than a human’s limbs now, and a too pale face refused to turn to him as she swallowed, obviously aware of the scrutiny.

He didn’t feel like pitying her – she wasn’t of the kind – nor did he want to feel bad for her.

They had had their fair share of drama together, and it was quite unbelievable that she’d give up just like that.

“Although judging by tonight you’re just as unworthy as I’ve always known,” she said, smiling sadly somewhere in the direction of the stained, dirty door. Rin’s face was slightly blurred and anxious behind the glass when Haruka followed her forlorn gaze. “You two haven’t even started yet, and already you’re making him unhappy.”

A dark, desperate chuckle, and she tipped the stub against the wall, looking after it as it fell down to the street underneath.

The terrace was empty except for them by then, and the wind blew warm when her voice broke.

“I hate you so much, Haruka. So, _so_ much.”

He could see nothing but a spooked, loving red spark on the other side of the glass, glued to his own eyes restlessly, and he understood.

“You would never believe how much.”

That her words weren’t personal – just like it hadn’t been when he had pushed Rin’s text messages into her face the night that now felt eras ago. That she would have said them to anyone standing in his place right now.

“Ditto,” he breathed out, feeling her eyes snap to the side of his face.

_Ditto_.

Technically he had no reason for it; Rin was his, and she just claimed she didn’t stand in their way anymore.

But you could do nothing about the way the other person felt, just as much as you couldn’t change your own heart.

She laughed silently – a desperate, shattering sound – before leaning over the sticky handrail, and Haruka realized she was doing this all and far more for the man on the other side of the door. Willing to sacrifice everything, even her sanity, she didn’t have any other choice but to stay around. Just like he himself had to, back when Rin had returned from Australia for the first time.

Sometimes the price you had to pay wasn’t that important.

“Would you believe,” She said, giving out a hoarse chuckle, and for a moment Haruka thought she was going to cry. But that wasn’t her style, and he was pretty sure she’d rather drown in her own spit than let him see her like that. “That until the day I met you, I thought the face he made the very first time he saw me actually meant he fell in love with me right away? Hah...”

Her eyes turned to him for a second, showing this was something she most probably had never told anyone about, and never would. His own eyes fell down to the empty bottles and vomit under their feet, and he wiped some of it against the railing before leaning next to her with a sigh.

She expected to be laughed at, but it didn’t seem to matter to her, at this point.

There was nothing embarrassing or stupid about hoping for love, he wanted to say, but rather didn’t, in the end. She didn’t come to chat tonight, and he wasn’t the right person to console her.

Lit-up windows on the other side of the street offered other people’s lives to them like two stalkers on duty.

Somebody fought on the second floor; an old man lay down to sleep on the fourth.

“I swear, if your mom ever tells you we’re cousins from a fifth degree, or something like that, you’d rather cut your head off than go running to me with it.”

And just like that, another unbelievable thing happened tonight.

Haruka chuckled, lowering his chin to his chest.

“She wants to meet your father,” He said, at length, remembering his mother’s demand when nothing disrupted the peace but the wind blowing through her long hair for too long,

The horrified expression on Anna’s face made his lips stretch once again.

“I don’t think that’s the reason.”

“It better not be.”

Her shoulders relaxed a tiny bit, but it was sure a relief temporary. Hugging her body tight she soon fell into silence again.

And Haruka reflected on what it was about Rin that made them both love him to the point of madness, a devil’s hand across their hearts.

He knew from his own experience that the path Anna was about to take was a damned one, with nothing but disaster at its end. How long would she be able to handle it? He lived through it less than a week, watching the man in somebody else’s arms, and it had almost broken him down.

But she was stronger than him, after all. 

“I have something to ask you for.” she said silently, face turned towards the windy night sky, messy hair sticking to her lips. “But if you want me to beg.”

The moon was round and giant when she took in a long breath, closing her eyes for a moment.

“I’ll beg.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you (hopefully) soon, guys.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> How are you all doing? I know it took me an eternity this time, and I’m genuinely sorry.
> 
> So... where to start? There’s so much I need to tell you, and I have to say, my heart feels really heavy. I love you all, I do. Each one of you who has ever hit the kudos button, commented on this work, or just read it under the duvet when everyone in the house fell asleep :)) I’m feeling so grateful for all the positive energy that has ever come from you, and I will never stop thinking of you with happiness and joy.
> 
> Did it sound like a good-bye? I guess it did, even though it’s not – at least not completely. I love writing this thing to the core of my heart, that much is true, and it is never going to change. But the fact is, with the current way my life goes now, I’m not sure when I will be able to bring you another chapter. If I ever will, to be honest. 
> 
> I know I’ve said it before that I’ve never EVER left any of my stories unfinished, and that’s true. This could be the very first time. But among other things I’ve been struggling hard to find motivation as of lately – as my poor beta has been listening about all the damn time :) – and I only have to find my way back to it. 
> 
> So I’m not saying good-bye yet, and if I has to, in the end, I will definitely come back here to do it properly. Anyway, I’ll try my best to keep up going, that much I can promise, and I’m humbly asking for your patience.
> 
> Like always, a huge thank you goes to marbled_maven for editing, all the incredible help, support and patient ears while listening to my whining. :)) 
> 
> Last, but not least, a very personal message for Titty_Now_Titty_Later: I didn't mean to scare you off :) Thank you for all your comments. They might have stirred something inside, but that's cool. I like the way you talk (or write). Please comment anytime you feel like it :)
> 
> As for now, you all go enjoying the chapter, and I hope to see you here again. 
> 
> Love you all.

Life has its own course, once going left, only to take a sharp turn to the right. Always uncontrollable.

People keep tactlessly dying, denying you the basic right to decide whether you need them, or not. Some head off for a big world, leaving you behind with promises of return they don’t believe themselves; and who could count all the times you heard ‘ _There, there, you’re not a child_ , _stop crying._ ’ over the phone?

Others fight their way into your world, oblivious to whether you want them in or not – enemies, and friends, and secret crushes, too. Never curious about your opinion, they don’t really give a damn about what you have to say. About the way you are left breathless most of the time, unable to get used to the newly taken tracks of your life.

No one ever asks anything.

Until, for what it’s worth, there comes a moment you’re given the power to decide something, and you find out it might have been easier before.

Now Anna stood there next to him, breeze picking up her pitch black hair. Too pale to be healthy, too hoping to keep a smug smile up. With eyes cautious she glanced at him, the last flicker of hope burning white, and Haruka didn’t know what to do with his hands, so he rather pushed them into pockets.

“He told me it doesn’t really matter what you say. It won’t change anything.”

The wind tortured fragile flower buds on a neglected plant hanging on the wall, stems dancing madly, and he wished she would just finish already. It was already almost midnight, the love of his life waited inside for him, and they had no time to lose to make the rest of this day at least a little better.

“So what’s the point then?” He asked, turning his face away from her, sighing.

She must have already known his answer, even before articulating the most absurd plea he had heard from her.

A soft, bitter chuckle reached his ears, and a long while passed before Anna leaned fully against the veranda’s railing and spoke.

“You really do want me to beg, don’t you? You’re enjoying this.”

“No,” Haruka said, not completely convinced about his own answer, either.

It was impossible to deny how unbelievable it was, having their positions swapped like this in no more than a few weeks.

And he really wanted to feel bad for her the moment she said Rin asked her to return back to Sydney, only the happiness was too genuine. Unstoppable and wholehearted. They could get rid of her for good, and how _amazing_ was it that the demand had come directly from Rin’s mouth?

It was sadistic, and it was low, but he wished he could have been there to listen to that conversation.

“You’re not asking why I want to stay,” Anna said, and it was more a comment rather than a question. He shrugged, fighting the need to run inside and push his wide smile into the crook of Rin’s neck, but her eyes were covering desperation as she spoke again. Clearly, it wasn’t going to take long, anyway. “Could you at least _try_ to hide how happy you are?”

_ No. _

How could he, when Rin had been trying to make it work like he had said? Taking all the steps to make him feel safe, to fix all the past mistakes. If this wasn’t the sweetest of all proofs, than Haruka didn’t know what else could be.

If only she could let them be for good, if only she didn’t want _him_ to do something about Rin’s plea, then it would all be perfect.

And it wasn’t like the last time, when they had talked about Rin in his room. It wasn’t about fighting a war, despite what she probably thought. He didn’t need any revenge against her. Rin had broken up with her, had made his decision of who he wanted to spend his life with. He had jumped into Haruka’s arms mere _days_ after they had met again after months of separation and silence, because it was the most natural thing to do.

Because it was meant to be that way.

She had claimed to be his worst enemy once, but even she had no chance against what connected the two of them. Matsuoka and Nanase – they simply belonged together, from the outset, since they were little kids.

So why shouldn’t he smile when even Rin finally got this simple fact through his thick skull?

Now they were here, with her begging someone who she hated deeply to be allowed no more than to be close to Rin, to remain his friend; with Haruka to decide if it would ever happen.

Only it wasn’t honourable, and it didn’t make him want her around Rin at all.

It either meant she had to take a suicidal expedition to the misery of watching someone she loved in another’s arms, or that she still nurtured some hopes.

“We should go, Annie.”

Their eyes met before Anna turned at the sound of Jane’s timid, soft voice, and it was written in her blue irises that the truth lied somewhere in between. The door screeched behind them, and he recognized an already familiar jealousy boiling in the pit of his stomach.

He trusted Rin, that wasn’t the problem.

The problem was _her_ feelings and expectations.

The music from inside of the apartment went full blast again, flooding to the street below, turning Haruka’s impatience a hundred degrees stronger.

“Well, then,” Anna said, moving to the door, the look in her eyes screaming how disappointed she was. But what exactly she had expected of him, Haruka had no idea. “You can tell your mom I’ll set it up with father. Although I don’t know when I’ll be given an audience myself. He’s out of town for a few days, and even when he’s here it’s not that simple.”

With a last forlorn glance she went inside, leaving a bitter taste on his tongue as he followed after her.

Rin’s face was tense before he saw Jane returning to his side; standing alone and not even trying to fill into the crowd having fun. Red eyes rose with something like hope when a young member of The Princesses approached. Only they got lost in shadow when the grinning boy walked past without a single glance, joining a closely standing group.

As if Rin wasn’t even there, as if he didn’t exist.

A bottle of beer found its way to Rin’s lips, and Haruka took a step closer automatically, dirty glass door of the terrace shutting behind him. Not sure if he was going to beat that damn boy and the whole team, or just throw Rin over his shoulder and take him somewhere nice. Somewhere he would feel he belonged.

Why the hell were they all acting as if the man had eaten their dinner, anyway?

Did Hagino really have that much power over them that they couldn’t see how stupid it was, ignoring one of their own just because someone told them to? Couldn’t they see that Rin was good enough, _so_ good to deserve the place, even though the circumstances were a little unusual?

Hadn’t they seen before how damn talented a swimmer he was?

“Did he tell you about the letter from Jared he got this morning?”

A tired, defeated voice came from his side, and Haruka was too confused for a moment to mask the surprise on his face. He watched Anna observing him, waiting for the realization to hit. Only it didn’t, and she raised her eyebrows questioningly before speaking again.

“ _Jared_   is the boy Rin hurt. His former teammate. You don’t even remember his name?”

“I do,” Haruka opposed, too hastily and too unconvincingly, knowing just as well as she did that it was a lie as he lowered his head under her piercing stare.

_ I just... _

Breathing in with difficulty he watched Jane’s arms curl around Rin’s neck, embracing him firmly, and fought against Yamazaki’s predicting words returning to his mind.

They did, though, because he should have known, should have remembered just like Anna did, for gods’ sake.

_ I just forgot. _

It was part of Rin’s life, and you were bound to remember important things about the person you loved.

But apart from that day in the locker room and a scarce remark in an e-mail, Rin had never talked about the guy. Since his return he hadn’t mentioned him once, nor had he said anything about how the boy’s case had been developing.

_ Not once did you ask. _

“Open your eyes, Haruka.” She said, voice cheerless, and ran fingers through entangled strands of her hair in a feeble attempt to brush them from her face. “Whether you want to see it or not, he needs me. Back then in Sydney, I woke him up every morning at five so he could run to the hospital to see that boy before school started. _I_ watched him freezing up every time his cell phone rang, making an ‘it’s finally here, Jared must be dead’ face. _I_ held him after the trainings when he was on the verge of passing out from exhaustion, and it was still not enough.”

Jane said something into Rin’s ear, and Haruka felt a strange burden fall on his shoulders when the man ran his eyes over the crowd until they met his own face. Instantly turning fifty degrees warmer, they spoke of the same eagerness he himself felt.

With the truth of Rin’s struggle resonating loudly in his mind, there was no way to fight the unexpected possessiveness, flaring up like a bonfire.

She was right, he realized with a biting sting of envy – the same he felt when Rin and the girls joked about Australia – there was so much he didn’t know. So much in Rin’s life he wasn’t a part of, and never would be. So many things Rin had battled with, having to lean on all these people for support while Haruka lived his mundane life alone.

It was just like the first time when Rin had taken him to Sydney – the feeling was back – telling him he could try everything and anything, but his dull self would never be interesting enough for this man to look his way. Important enough to keep him around until they were old and grey.

_ Need me. _

There were these missing pieces of the puzzle that belonged to Anna and Jane, and many more other friends. Left on the other side of an ocean, it was something he had no right to touch.

And Rin indeed didn’t seem to need him to talk about the struggling, or some letter – whatever its content was. He had them, the people who had been there for him when he needed it the most. Who knew what to say when the time was right.

_ Just me. _

It wasn’t up to Haruka to fill their place.

The weirdest urgency took all over him while Jane stepped on her toes, obviously to place a kiss on Rin’s face, and a gentle smile spread over it like a darkly sparkling gem.

But there was nothing but a palm on her shoulder as she moved closer, keeping her awkwardly away, and long fingers fell down to Rin’s side afterwards. Red eyes looked at Haruka with a plea for approval – a silent question if he did right – and genuine, unadulterated hate resonated in Anna’s laugh next to him while Jane’s sky-blue stare turned in their direction, confused and hurt.

It was low, and it was primitive, and it shouldn’t have made him so happy that Rin had just pushed a dear friend away just for Haruka’s sake.

Only it had, and his poor, pitiable heart relished sickly in that.

He heard himself take a breath, and then the words were out before he realized, hoarse and intentionally biting.

“I also remember it was you who said he’s mediocre. A second-rate swimmer.”

It was her turn to look shocked now, surprised by the unexpected comment.

“No,” She breathed out with face reddening, lips apart. “I mean... I did, but it’s what Rin said. Used to say. I never-”

He had never been happier being himself as he moved forward, leaving Anna standing there, searching for words she didn’t have. Though uncommunicative and unfriendly, he was also able to say no to her, even though not explicitly. She didn’t get what she wanted, simply because she asked for it.

He made his way through the crowd to Rin’s hungry eyes that were screaming he was waiting for no one else in the whole world but him, and the only thing Haruka wasn’t sure was if that was a right thing to do.

“Wanna leave?”

 

The night felt much warmer down on the street, without the blowing wind of the terrace, and Rin’s crestfallen face turned upwards to the moon as they stepped out of the building to the cobbled sidewalk. Heavy metal roared even through the windows, reflecting distantly against the houses on the other side of the street, but even more inside of Haruka’s chest.

It felt like an eternity until the four of them reached the main road and a black, perfectly polished limo emerged from behind the corner like a fairytale dark horse. Jane did her best to talk cheerfully, the rest of them smiled back at her when she looked their way, and he could hardly believe Anna would be gone soon.

Then Rin, hastily humming his good-bye, shut the car door behind the surprised girls, and all Haruka needed to know was in his hopeful face.

Yes, he might be boring, he might not be fun at parties, and he might not know what Australian life looked or tasted like with new friends and places.

But within the warm embrace of a moonlit street he knew that wasn’t what had brought Rin into his arms, and made him stay there.

And Rin was probably not going to speak about the guy he had hurt, or the letter, or anything important, tonight, and he was not going to apologize for his big mouth. It wasn’t the right moment, and Haruka would hardly be able to get any words out through his constricted throat.

It was clear when Rin’s palm was hot and clammy in his own, vigorously clutching, and a timid sound of their shared giggle resonated for the first time through the night, that there were more important things to do.

Hand in hand, half-walking, half-running to the shadow between the closest houses, Haruka’s heart beat to the wild rhythm of Rin’s own and a distant song from a window up the street.

_ Thump. _

In the dead of night, it squeezed painfully when arms curled around his neck like necklaces made of a human flesh. The grip was forceful, and his bones ached under the pressure, but he didn’t move a brow as Rin’s tall body crushed down on him.

The man was heavy, he was not strong enough, and gravitation pushed their joined bodies to the building’s wall. Sun seemed to never fully dry the wetness in a shadowy place like this, and it seeped through the thin layers of his clothes like fingers of the few last cold nights of the year.

It stunk of piss and vomit here, its acids burned his nostrils while he felt himself slipping on the muddy ground under the weight, and Rin’s arms had never felt this magical before.

Haruka smiled into the night, too happy to hold it back.

Hands curled firmly into the shirt on his back, he breathed in the masculine scent of his hair, and suddenly it was clear he had been a fool for believing her even for a second.

No, Rin didn’t need Anna.

She was someone who the man talked to, yes, because he didn’t know that Haruka would listen just as eagerly.

She could come to their trainings a thousand times over, say whatever she wanted, but Haruka was sure Rin would never forget that she was a person who, despite being by his side before, had never truly believed in his abilities and talent. That she had never really trusted he could reach for the stars.

But Haruka had, all the way through.

“There’s still two weeks. I’ll add some land training, or somethin’.” A deep voice launched a truth into his crumpled shirt: of how much Rin was, in fact, bothered by the whole Qatar thing; of how much he needed to talk about it. Haruka entangled his fingers into the thick, almost violet hair and sighed warmly into it. “I won’t embarrass us there, dammit.”

He didn’t need Jane, or Yamazaki, or anybody.

_ I’ll… _

Shutting his eyes firmly, Haruka fought radiant happiness in his chest, because Rin was terrified and anxious and panicky, and it wasn’t right to be this happy just because it made him a tiny bit more important in his eyes.

_ I’ll take care of you. _

Barely opening his lips, he feared his shaky voice would betray everything as he spoke.

“Let’s start jogging together. Tomorrow morning.”

As a soft nod fell in the crook of his neck, he was determined to do his first and last to become for Rin someone he himself had never had in his life: a rock the man could lean onto without hesitation, someone who cared about nothing and no one else. Someone so important that Rin would never have to look another way.

He was going to be Rin’s _everything_.

Nothing and no one would ever hurt this man as long as Haruka had something to say about it, not even Rin himself.

“And you won’t smoke, anymore.”

The beautiful eyes emerged slowly from the shadow of his shoulder, kind of surprised, kind of fearful, as if searching for traces of something on Haruka’s face. They didn’t seem to find it there, though, whatever it was, and he smiled shakily as the man nuzzled their noses together – a wordless demand to dive into their very own paradise.

_ If you want me to. _

Haruka’s tongue ran softly over his lip, anticipation turning his wobbly legs into jelly, and a shaky sigh fell back on his own. In the stillness of the night his heart went galloping, because there wasn’t any brake to stop it from drowning completely.

He had never meant to fall so fast and so much, not after everything, not to the point where he could hardly remember what exactly he had meant when he wrote ’ _free’_ on that brick in the school garden all those years ago. 

“Congratulations, by the way,” Haruka whispered something he should have said much earlier today. A wave of unbearable tenderness turned his voice awkwardly sweet, but he didn’t care about the change, while his thumb stroked a perfect line of eyebrow above the suddenly strangely glistening eyes. “You’re amazing. So good. You deserve it all.”

From now on, it would be just them.

No oceans, no unnecessary people separating them.

Rin’s body quivered slightly in his arms as Haruka strengthened his embrace and placed tender, lingering kisses down his shaved cheek.

Red eyes fell down, then rose up with flickering courage, and Haruka could easily tell that he wasn’t the only one consumed by these mad feelings, whatever they were. A dog kept barking ferociously somewhere close in a nearby backyard, the rumble of a subway echoed above the poor quarters of the district, and Rin licked his lips as if readying them for something.

Under the toothy, jagged shadows of rooftops, Haruka realized that that something wasn’t anything he could possibly expect.

“I love you.”

She had been nice and smiling most of the time, as far as his memories reached. She had never yelled, or screamed, or raised her voice whatsoever – a perfect Japanese lady through and through – even when he had burned her favourite pan to black charcoal in an attempt to cook mackerel, which she had refused to prepare more than once a week.

He didn’t have an exact idea why the memory of his grandmother emerged in his mind at a time like this, but he remembered that there had never been a need for sound between the walls of the old house to make anything better, or worse. Everything had been silent except for a clock ticking on the wall, her soft, quiet guiding above the school books, or the rustling as she ruffled his hair when he had been lost in his own world for too long.

It was just how things worked, Haruka thought, staring wide-eyed, and with a fallen smile into Rin’s equally shocked face. The natural state of the world was wordless – she had never said it, and he had never asked. 

_ You… what? _

It was a hasty whisper as it left Rin’s mouth, a delicate, shy confession breathed out against his smiling lips with a hopeful, pained expression. As if it was a horrible, scary thing to feel, yet something that couldn’t be helped at the same time.

As if Rin had to get it out, overpressure too much to hold it inside.

He could hardly tell which one of them had least anticipated those words to come out like this when he squeezed his eyes shut and opened them again to meet Rin’s panicked face, wishing to know how to stop an avalanche from falling from the rooftop and burying them underneath.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Rin rushed to answer his throaty question, swallowing thickly, and his voice didn’t sound like his own when he continued feebly, hesitantly. “Or... not?”

A stunned, unamused chuckle left Haruka’s mouth while he frowned into the mud under their feet, and Rin’s eyelashes tickled his forehead as he blinked ferociously.

“What?” A stiff voice laughed shortly, hesitantly, and Haruka looked up, heart heavy. Rusty spouts hanging askew on the wall screeched under an attack of wind, and it sounded as if something fragile was breaking when Rin added, voice weak. “Is it funny to you?”

“No, I...” He sighed, unable to keep track of Rin’s impossible speed of thoughts.

It didn’t seem like a joke, yet it didn’t make any sense, at the same time. It was unforeseen, odd and mad that someone had just willingly given him something this precious. So easily, it looked like it was a normal thing to open up this much; to let old ghosts out of the closet like that. To say words that no one had said to him before, ever, and without a single warning expect them back.

To make it look like Haruka failed somehow.

The memory of a similarly windy night in front of a mansion – the two of them standing face to face like now, when he had made a certain promise to himself – gripped him around his neck and squeezed tight, and he didn’t have any idea where all his courage from a moment ago went.

His fingers curled into the fabric of Rin’s sweater, and he swallowed, tongue-tied and confused. Praying to be able to wipe away that desolating disappointment, already being born on Rin’s face.

Of course Rin wanted to hear it back now that it was out, he wanted everything – just like he always did, and he would never have enough, no matter how much Haruka was able to give.

No, he didn’t seem to have a fucking clue how hard it had been to survive all those times he had disappeared before, as if it was the easiest thing to leave him behind like excess weight of luggage at the airport. To stop replying to his e-mails, to make it look like Haruka had made up everything in his head. How impossible it was to forgive all that fully, even though Haruka was trying his best, day and night.

_ I can’t, dammit. _

How fatal it would be to admit it was really true, to believe that what this volatile man claimed to feel wasn’t just something flighty; for a week, or a month. To say out loud that the one madly in love here was, in fact, Haruka.

Always under constant threat that the last time Rin had left could anytime, on the slightest whim, turn into just one of many more.

The wind chased clouds hastily over the sky behind Rin’s head – a herd of grey, sad sheep – and Haruka would bet everything he had that Anna hadn’t had any problem saying how much she loved him.

“You’re beautiful,” Haruka choked out other words he had wanted to say for years; ever since he had laid eyes on Rin for the first time – on a kid with annoyingly sparkling eyes, heaving hard on the ground after their very first race.

It was sure better than _’great’_ , _’okay’_ , or _’thank you’_ – the only possible answers that swirled around his flabbergasted brain, but it wasn’t enough.

A knowing, somewhat defeated smile formed on Rin’s perfect face as Haruka tried to press their lips together again, but hit a cheek instead. The burning behind his eyes intensified tenfold upon the words he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to say.

_ I waited whole my life for you to be with me. _

“We should go. It’s getting late.”

Sad red eyes needed something more when the light from Rin’s phone lit up his tense face, placing a startlingly white wall between the two of them and preventing Haruka’s shaking fingers from caressing his cold cheek. It felt like the only chance he had been given was just slipping through his fingers as Rin took a small step back and cleared his throat before speaking,

And there was a possibility Haruka would never be told the same again, by Rin or anyone else. He knew it well as he swallowed hard, but there was very little he could do about it.

_ Don’t I deserve some time to figure it out? _

But wasn’t it enough proof that he was now here, that he had chosen that stupid party tonight? That he had talked to the man’s ex for more than a damn half an hour without them killing each other? That he had just offered to willingly participate in extra dry-land training, even though he would rather chop his legs off then jog first thing in the morning?

The right answer didn’t seem to be plastered right on his face, though.

“I’ll walk you home, if you don’t-” Rin’s voice jumped funnily before cutting off, and his surprised face abruptly turned into an epitome of defeated misery. But he didn’t move his hand away when Haruka placed it hesitantly under his own shirt.

The fabric pooled around Rin’s wrist for what seemed like an eternity, and his palm felt strangely cold and foreign against Haruka’s stomach. At length, an exasperated sigh cut the silence, and he was sure this was an even bigger mistake when Rin finally shook and lowered his head down on his shoulder.

Leaning his back against the wall behind him with a terrifyingly beating heart, Haruka was scared he was going to have a heart attack at a moment like this. But he pulled Rin's body closer in a silent invitation, anyway.

“Nanase.” Rin whispered against the place under his jaw, reluctantly pressing close again, and Haruka fought a sting of unease upon the return of his family name. “I’d kill.”

Squeezing his eyes shut, his lips fell apart when strong, muscled hips pushed his own into the brick wall, and Rin’s words echoed within the bones of his skull.

“To see into your head for one damn minute.”

He was hard the second Rin moved his palm from his bare stomach up his chest to curl long fingers around his neck and rocked against him for the first time, and he was not the only one. Everything pulsed with mad urgency to touch and to be touched, and it was equally bad on both sides when Rin’s other hand anchored on and then bruised his hip bone – jeans, or no jeans; belt, or no belt.

And they were everywhere then, that mouth on his neck and under his ear; those hands on the small of his back and under his ass; once again not asking anything. Nails dug desperately into the flesh of his ribs, and there was nothing funny about it this time.

It wasn’t gentle, it wasn’t romantic.

It was just like their first kiss – a ruined memory born in the heat of punishment that Rin felt they both either needed, or deserved.

Hot mouth worked roughly on destroying the skin of his neck, so much and so painfully that he mewled and pulled feebly on Rin’s hair to bring him back to his lips, even though it didn’t matter anymore. The marks would be there tomorrow, and that seemed to be the goal, anyway.

There was no way to figure how far Rin was going to take this, but when his palm pushed between their bodies and roughly rubbed until Haruka swallowed a broken cry, he knew he wasn’t able to stop its unalterable course.

And while just earlier today this was exactly what he had wanted, he wasn’t that sure anymore.

_ I... _

It wasn’t okay, it wasn’t alright, because who would want to reach climax for the first time with their most beloved like this? Pressed against a filthy wall in a decrepit district, hastily and brutally, not even naked properly; like two underbreds chasing their carnal needs. Spilling in his pants like Haruka would without question, very soon, because his body found liking in the strangely painful suffering despite everything.

But it was new and raw, and it was Rin, after all, and nothing else mattered but him being needed this much.

_ I don’t... _

Rin’s breathing was raspy and needy against his open mouth as he rocked against Haruka’s hips again and again, both hanging onto each other as if the crazily spinning world around could throw them off the planet’s surface if they let go. The ruthless hand tortured him, but he didn’t need much more; not with the pent-up tension of the last few days; just a little, little more.

A few more painful rubs, and maybe then everything would be finally fucking fine.

“Am I?” A breaking voice spoke hurriedly, breathless. “Am I beautiful now?”

No, Haruka thought frantically as he burrowed a loud cry into the man’s wildly moving shoulder, he was not.

_ But I love you, anyway. _

“Rin, _ahah_.”

It wasn’t perfect like Rin had promised him it would be, and Haruka finally gave up hope he would be forgiven for the lack of answer. But there was nothing he would deny this man, and Rin wasn’t taking anything he wouldn’t have offered, anyway.

“ _Fuck_ , Nanase,” A higher pitched voice sobbed against his mouth.

There were approximately one hundred and twenty seven million people in Japan, including the two of them, they had said on TV just yesterday.

And none of them ought to be blamed for the flicker of hate in Haruka’s chest when the agonizing pleasure was gone a second before the finish line, and Rin’s hand pushed him away before hitting the wall next to his head with a crack of the wall’s crumbly coating.

“ _Fuck_ this _fucking_ shit.”

***

 

It seemed impossible to calm down.

He had given up on sleep at five, barely three hours after he had lain down next to Nagisa’s softly breathing figure, and he didn’t feel sleepy at all – just as when he had closed his eyes in a vain attempt to doze off.

A song hummed softly through the kitchen, lack of sleep made him feel like there wasn’t anything to separate today from yesterday, and his mother wouldn’t stop commenting on some French nonsensical blabbering on Al-Jazeera TV news. Chopped onion stung his eyes badly – a beginner’s mistake to wipe them only made it all worse – and Haruka knew that turning up the radio’s volume hadn’t been the smartest thing to do.

The song was miles away from the hollering of hard rock – or whatever had blared at that party last night. It was slow, sweet, and so very sappy. With an endlessly horrifying feeling, Haruka realized he was not only listening to the love song willingly, most certainly for the first time ever.

He also stealthily died at each line of lyrics that hit the bull’s eye perfectly.

Wiping his stinging eyes once again into his sleeve, he sighed, irritated to the bone.

If two days of Rin’s constant presence had made _this_ of him, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know what was to come yet.

Dragging his feet through the condo, Haruka tried everything to keep his mind from doing what it did best: over-analyzing. He had done the dishes instead of absent Makoto and Nagisa – like really, was no one _at all_ doing chores in this condo but him? He wiped the fingerprints drawn in a two inch tall cover of dust on the furniture, went down to the basement to fill the washing machine with the two-week-high pile of dirty clothes.

It was supposed to be just a regular, lazy Saturday; a normal, peaceful beginning of a weekend.

Except it wasn’t, and no matter how much he tried to act otherwise, it was bound to fail.

_ Matsuoka Rin said he loves you. _

As if his brain wasn’t enough of a bother, his body reminded him of yesterday all the damned time, too – anytime the memory of Rin pushing rock-hard against his hip returned against his will. Closing the washing machine doors a mere two hours ago, he had gotten a boner for the third time that morning, and had the occurrence of neighbours in the vicinity been just a little less frequent, he would have probably addressed the problem right then and there.

“I’ve always known it.” His mother’s bored voice carried from the common room, and he sighed tiredly, feeling blood travel downside again. “I’ve always said it was going to end like this. It was only a matter of time before the Sunni seized control of both Iraq and Syria. Honestly, what is everybody surprised about now?”

The sun drew circles on the kitchen cupboards while Haruka threw onion pieces into the pot on the stove, and he knew, with the certainty of his life-long experiences with Rin, that he didn’t have the slightest idea what was happening in that head of his at the moment.

Who knew where he even was now? Probably sulking somewhere – like Haruka kind of expected, kind of dreaded, but, in fact, didn’t hold against him. It seemed like Rin disappearing from the Earth’s surface was something he would have to deal with from time to time, if he intended to mess everything up like he seemed to always do.

He could, _at least_ , answer one damned text-message, couldn’t he?

It was so weird, so unbelievable, and he didn’t really get it.

_ Damn. _

He had waited all his life for this to happen, for that cocky idiot to feel something for him, and there used to be times he thought it would never happen. Now he had it, there was no denying, otherwise they wouldn’t be where they were now.

Only Rin himself giving it the name of _’love’_ – it appeared surreal – like a life-changing lottery win that you suddenly didn’t know what to do with.

Because, damn, good things like that didn’t happen to someone like Haruka. They happened to people like Makoto and Jane – people who were worth and strong enough, who knew what it looked like when someone loved you; who actually experienced it, not just stared at it from a bus’s window running by.

People unlike him, who had other people to hold them if, despite their best effort, their first romance didn’t work out in the end.

“Mark my words, Haruka, that Islamic state will cause more problems than we can possibly imagine at the moment.”

Humming noncommittally, he let his eyes travel over his mother’s calm profile.

Wouldn’t it be fucking _amazing_ to be able to go over there now, turn the TV off? To wait until she looked at him with surprise and then just yell right into her face that someone fucking _loved_ him? That someone said it and meant it, and it was a damn, undeniable truth.

Without doubt, confidently, a hundred percent sure.

He felt like screaming, shouting it into her blank eyes until she broke into pieces like she managed to do to him before.

Look, _mother_ , I’m fucking worth something; just that much.

But she sat there, unmoving except for sipping a cup of tea that Haruka had made for her earlier, and it didn’t matter all that much. She wouldn’t understand, it was already past time to make lunch, and he hadn’t gotten a single text-message this morning yet.

No ’good morning’, no ’see you soon’.

_ But he said he loves you. _

Fish suffered under the furious attack of a knife in Haruka’s hand, until there was nothing but small, inedible chunks in front of his eyes. With an irritated sigh he reached for another piece, treating it the same way.

Why did people need to articulate everything, every single feeling they had inside? Why can’t they just _wait_ , or something? Like a poorly screwed cork of a bottle that you shook ever so slightly, all those things kept exploding from their mouths when you expected them the least.

“Especially if it’s under Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’ leadership, it can’t mean anything good. And could you be a little less loud, Haruka? I can’t hear anything.”

As if words meant something.

As if last night somehow lessened what was inside of him, as if he hadn’t stood by Rin’s side all the time, as if the man was the only one here feeling something.

“Haruka, _please_. I asked you something. You really are too noisy.”

There were few things more irritating than her voice mingling with the simmering of onion in the oil, and despite the lack of her presence for a few days, Haruka had just about had enough of hearing it for one month. Shutting off the gas, he threw the pot into the sink, not even trying to keep quiet, and turned for Makoto’s room.

He had almost no clean, dry clothes – most of them hanging freshly washed in the basement – so throwing on whatever fell under his hand was the only way. He didn’t care, anyway; there was only one thing he wanted on at that very moment.

“I’m leaving,” Haruka yelled from the genkan, pushing his head through the neckline of Rin’s hoodie, and grabbed for keys on the hanger. “Make yourself something.”

“Hey,” Makoto’s surprised voice mixed with an amazed _’what’_ from the common room, but he couldn’t care less about both as he sidestepped the man in the door. “You’re in a hurry?”

He nodded, not giving him one look, and ran down. There was still a chance Rin had decided to come just as Haruka had proposed, despite lack of answer, and Haruka couldn’t risk the opposite.

“Oi, Haru. I met a postman downstairs, he left a package for you with me.” Makoto’s voice seemed calm, knowing well that Haruka wouldn’t have returned back up even for more pressing issues. But he added after him, anyway. “It’s from Gou.”

The natatorium was going to open at noon, and their training wasn’t going to start until three. He had thought – when he had pushed the ‘send’ button of his phone around ten a.m.– that the two of them could have enough time to train together, since it didn’t seem like the jogging idea fell on fertile soil.

They most definitely should; two weeks aren’t that much time as Rin had put it yesterday, definitely not with tapering later on schedule. It would take much, much more to get to the level the man needed to be if he wanted to win in Qatar, and Haruka was determined to give his everything to get him there.

It wasn’t the Olympics, not yet.

But Rin was going to stand on the winners’ podium, just like he had always wanted, and dreamt about, and it didn’t matter if they both were going to sweat blood and spit brain tissue.

Only the place looked deserted when he got there fifteen minutes later than the proposed time, with nothing but the quiet humming of filters filling the silence of the locker rooms. Haruka fought annoyance as he threw his bag on the bench, and pulling out jammers, he glanced in the direction of showers.

It didn’t seem like anyone had used them today – all dry and clean – so Rin wasn’t even in the pool already.

_ What the hell is he doing? _

And yes, it seemed like the smartest thing to do would be to dig for his phone and just make a call. Not that he hadn’t thought about it – with his finger on Rin’s name on the display more times than he could count – but it was no use. Not only had he already sent that text-message,but the memory of the last time he reached out for the man in this state made him always stop, preventing him from making the same mistake again.

He didn’t really mind Rin lashing out at him, in general.

But if he had learned anything the day of the football match, it was to leave Rin be until his head cooled down on its own.

Water felt hot on his skin, bringing all senses alive again, and with a slight wave of guilt it crossed his mind that he could use the empty showers for a different purpose than showering. There was no reason to lie; with the current state of things all he needed was two minutes tops; no matter how lame it was.

Although not too keen on letting the water see him like that, Haruka decided it was worth it, if it could get his brain into a functioning mode again. It was easy to let the picture of his own hands and mouth on the perfectly fitting legskins on the inner side of Rin’s thighs materialize in front of his eyes.

It sounded a whole lot like a hallucination when amused laughter reached his ears just as he reached for the shampoo, followed by the soft hissing of another shower.

“Taking your time?” Someone asked, teasing him amicably, and Haruka was sure he must have had a heart attack while his eyes tried to focus through the wall of falling water droplets. “S’alright, man. Just wait for me to get out.”

Muscles on Hagino’s wide bare back strained as he reached for a bar of soap, and Haruka snapped his eyes away. Not that he hadn’t seen men’s naked asses in this place like a thousand times before, or that he felt an inch of attraction to this particular one, but he sure like hell didn’t need any added stimulus now.

“Actually,” The tall man spoke to the wall with water falling on his head, washing his armpits. “It’s good we ran to each other here before training. I wanted to talk to you.”

Hagino’s voice was surprisingly friendly, just the way it used to be before Haruka had asked him to play that role in the natatorium for Rin, and everything had gone mad afterwards.

It was weird, it was suspicious, and the words that followed were most certainly even more odd.

“You know, Nanase, you really have my respect.”

Haruka’s face slowly turned to the man in silent wonder, seeing Hagino glancing at him shortly, squinting through the water.

“Hats off to you for your self-control. Like, I know you’re childhood friends, so you’re keeping it down, but still. I wouldn’t be able to keep cool like you do. And he’s always around you. That must really suck.”

“What?” Haruka asked, pushing hair out of his eyes, not sure he wanted to understand. All he got was a shrug, though, and the man returned to showering without further word.

Wet feet tapped on the tiles as Haruka turned off the water and walked to the lockers, eager to pull at least a shirt on. In the presence of some people, jammers didn’t make you feel clothed enough.

Maybe he should give Rin that call, after all. Maybe he was waiting for it.

There was no way it still bubbled up in the man to the point of exploding like when they finally had said goodbye at the subway platform last night. Haruka saw how hard he was trying to stay calm, but Rin couldn’t fool him anymore. Not even with a quick, loving stroke of a thumb over Haruka's cheek.

The only thing Haruka hadn’t been sure about was who of the two off them Rin was exactly angry at.

“You wanna know what I’d do in your place?” Hagino walked out of the showers, jumping in the running track of Haruka’s thoughts. Towel around his shoulders, and raking his hair to get the dripping water out, he looked uncomfortable and disgusted as he pointed to the neon lamps on the ceiling. “If one of _my_ buddies turned out to be homo and dared hit on me like that, I’d rip off his balls and hang them right here, so he’d see them every – fucking – day of his freakish life.”

A cemetery-like silence stretched while the man’s finger fell down to his side, and Haruka’s brain ran full force into a wall.

_ What? _

The man stared at him with his cat-like eyes, waiting for some form of answer, and the disgust in them slowly but steadily changed into hesitation.

“What?” Haruka asked hoarsely, watching with horror how Hagino crunched his face and hissed through his teeth in hardly believable surprise.

_ No. _

“You didn’t know? That the whole team knows Matsuoka’s a god-damned faggot? Man, I’m sorry, I thought it was obvious. There, one of our boys saw you then. You know, after you two swam together for the first time. Here in the locker room. He told us that Matsuoka tried to eat your face, and you only managed to push him away. Hands down to you, man, you’re a class act. I’d smash his sick mug right then and there.”

The room around shrunk while Hagino scratched apologetically behind his ear, its walls getting closer until they almost touched. Maybe it was one of them falling on his head what made Haruka’s brain finally kick into action.

_ Why? And how? _

He couldn’t remember anyone coming into the room while he had consoled Rin that day. Did they forget Rin had had a girlfriend before?

“Sorry I was so harsh on you afterwards. With money and stuff. I couldn’t believe I had helped a queer get on my team, so I went a bit mental and took it out on you. Knowing he’s a freak, I’d never have helped him, but you sure wouldn’t have, either, so it’s okay. Anyway.”

Haruka watched him walk to the lockers with determination and reach for his pants on the bench. When he raised his hand and pulled on Haruka’s wrist several seconds later, on the verge of passing out he expected to be killed right then and there.

It was here, it was his last second.

But there was nothing but a hard slap on his palm, so strong it almost threw his arm off his shoulder.

“There,” Hagino said, longing eyes snapping from the money in Haruka’s hand back to his face. “I’ve wanted to give it back for weeks. But I sort of always run low on cash, so I thought it’d wait a while. Sorry man, again, I shouldn’t have taken it in the first place.”

“That’s fine.” He heard himself say, and that feeble, weak voice didn’t sound like his own. “It was a deal.”

_ Why are you not defending him? _

“No, it’s not. Guys like us, I mean normal and not sick in the head, should stick together. Plus, no one here can swim like you and me. You’re good, and it sure will be a blast to beat you in Doha.”

_ Why are you not saying he’s not...? _

_ Why are you not saying that you  _ are _?_

“Hey, Nanase, don’t sweat it.” Hagino headed for the pool, at length, obviously intending to leave the locker room where just yesterday Haruka’s forehead leaned against Rin’s, convincing them both that everything was alright. “We all get that you can’t do anything against him, that it’d be weird, knowing him all your life. So...me and my boys will take care of it.”

With a wink he smiled, kind of sneaky, kind of horrible, and Haruka swayed on his legs with queasiness.

“For the team.”

One click of the door handle, one rejected idea to smash the man’s head with the locker room’s fire extinguisher, and it was too late to do anything.

”Don’t.” Haruka yelled at the door with the man behind, and it must have been the loudest sound he had made since he had argued with Rin ages ago in Iwatobi.

If asked, he wouldn’t know his own name when Hagino’s palm pushed the door open again, eyebrows raised in a silent question, lips quirked slightly.

He wouldn’t know what to do, or what to think.

But for a moment, until the following words fell out of his own mouth, he genuinely hoped he was not such a damn coward.

“I’ll deal with it on my own.”

*** 

 

Rin didn’t show up at training – their extra, or the regular one.

It was the longest hundred laps of Haruka’s life, with the other edge of the pool always too far to reach. He had no idea if he was first, tenth, or last, and frankly, he didn’t give a damn about it. Just glad he had managed to find the pool somewhere within the natatorium after an hour of incredulously staring at the locker room wall, he knew it was futile to even try coordinating breathing and moving through the water.

He’d never noticed before how the other swimmers tended to gather in groups before Hirai’s whistle ordered them in the pool, either for small talk, or something else. He couldn’t take his eyes off them, sickly suspicious and for the first time dying to know what they were talking about. Analyzing every gesture, every tone of their laugh, he soon felt like a complete idiot.

Were they talking about them, were they not? Was that joke they had been laughing at on them?

Did they really want to go after Rin?

Haruka had never been scared of anybody knowing the truth about him – on the team, or anywhere else. He was confident it was nobody’s problem but his, even though he wouldn’t call it a _’problem’_ , per se.

But seeing all these men together like this, all muscled up and united under one team’s name, there was some kind of power in it; strength of many hands, which could too easily turn destructive. A danger born of something they seemed to have in common: hate for Rin and the like.

With guilt and annoyance mixed together, he realized that for the first time in his life he wasn’t as fine with anyone knowing as he had always thought.

Hagino didn’t look his way once, nor did the rest of the team, but nothing helped to ease the pressure. It was growing inside of his head, and he could hardly stop it.

_ What if. _

_ What if it was too late? _

At the thirteenth turn it was just a thought, at the twenty-seventh it turned into a black cloud above his head. At the fifty-third he could barely move his arms as he struggled to push his body through the pool.

_ What if they had ’taken care’ of it already? _

What if that was why Rin wasn’t at training?

At eighty and something he gave up, climbing out of the pool, and ran to the locker room with the first lame excuse his brain could come up with.

 

Water dripped from his fingers, smearing the display as he cursed, pushing on Rin’s name again and again until the stupid thing finally registered his touch and started dialling. Only this time it was his sweat, not the pool water like when he had reached the locker room an hour ago.

It must have been his fifth try to reach the idiot over the phone since then, and a strong reminiscence of exactly the same scene from weeks ago made him sick with worry and exasperation.

Because they seemed to be there again, at the exact same spot they had been the day Rin left Tokyo last time, and once again it was supposed to be Haruka’s fault. It looked like it didn’t really matter if he opened his mouth or kept it shut, it was always the wrong choice when it came to Rin.

“Thanks, and I’m sorry for spreading panic.” Yamazaki said into his phone, voice gravel, staring into Haruka’s wide eyes. “Yes, I’ll tell him. Bye.”

He must have looked like a lost puppy, he knew, hanging on the man’s every word while he let his phone fall down into his lap.

“He’s working an afternoon shift at Mos Burger today. Jane said he got the job just yesterday. That’s probably why he’s not picking up.”

_ Yesterday. _

_ We spent last night together, dammit. _

Haruka let his head fall down between his knees for a moment, eyes firmly shut. It didn’t matter what people walking by thought, and Yamazaki had seen him in much more embarrassing situations already. The overwhelming relief, fury, and Rin’s smell rising from the hoodie hugging his body was simply too much to stand.

_ Damn idiot. _

It wasn’t just the simple fact that Rin had kept him in the dark about a supposedly new job. Or that he was slacking off, instead of putting more time and energy into the training he apparently needed like salt. It was the _damn fucking_ fact that he had already told him to never do such a hellish thing to him again.

_ He’s never going to stop scaring me. _

Haruka didn’t know if Rin had any idea how difficult this was, or if he just didn’t give a damn.

“Thank you,” He managed to push out to Yamazaki’s silently sitting frame, once he relatively put himself together.

He would feel stupid, wanting him to ask Jane if she knew about Rin not texting him, and he didn’t trust his own voice to take over the phone. Maybe Rin just hadn’t had time to text back; maybe he had sent a message, but something had gone wrong.

_ Whatever. _

_ Just breathe. _

“I still don’t get how you could let them see you like that? Are you two totally stupid, or what?” Yamazaki exhaled incredulously, reminding Haruka of another mistake he had done. His voice wasn’t as calm as it usually was when he continued. “You have to be extra, _extra_ careful in that kind of environment. Most straight guys wouldn’t willingly share showers with... with people like us.”

_ People like us. _

He hadn’t exactly planned on spilling the truth first thing after meeting Yamazaki at a bench under the Shinjuku park tower. He had wanted him only to get Anna, or Jane, or whoever on the phone. And it didn’t really make any sense, because why hadn’t he simply called Makoto in the first place?

Odd as it had been, words had kept falling out before he could stop them, drawing something between shock and indignation on Yamazaki’s tranquil face. It was hard to tell what had surprised the man more, either Haruka talking so much, or the fact his best friend was probably going to get beaten up for being gay.

_ As if we had leprosy. _

“I didn’t know you worked here.” Haruka commented after empty minutes of staring at dogs walking around the small park with their masters, deliberately ignoring what sounded like preaching to his ears. His eyes fell down on the grey business suit Yamazaki had on, and he felt a little bit calmer as he spoke. “Aren’t you going to have problems leaving all of a sudden?”

The man shrugged, staring at entangled fingers in his lap before raising his eyes to Haruka’s. It seemed like he didn’t want to leave the former topic as he leaned fully against the bench’s backseat and spoke again, even though Haruka didn’t know what there was to add.

“So what exactly are you planning on doing now?”

What exactly, _hah_ ; that was a very good question, Haruka pondered, snickering a little. Listening to the distant, soft hissing of cars from a nearby road, he was glad he had at least managed to lead an actual conversation.

His brain had short-circuited the moment Hagino said those words, and it still hadn’t started working yet.

A heavy sigh fell out of Yamazaki’s mouth, probably realizing there wasn’t actually an answer to be given, and then his finger pointed at Shinjuku tower; approximately to its middle. Falling down right after, his hand reached into his jacket pocket, pulled out a badge and let it fall into Haruka’s open palms.

Staring at the name of the enterprise he felt his own eyebrows rise.

Judging by his working position, he was no more than a regular worker, but having the same name as the company itself must have been difficult.

“You know it could be a trap, don’t you? We can’t actually reject the possibility they know about both of you, and want to use your fear to get Rin out of the game. A clean, no blood spilling solution.”

Haruka sighed, wiping his sweaty face. This was way too complicated, too much and too fast at the same time, and he wasn’t built for difficult chess games – either on table, or between people.

This was where Yamazaki was at home, and Haruka could already see wheels turning in the man’s head. And it was obvious like nothing else that he was fighting to ask _that_ question.

Why didn’t Haruka just leave his place to Rin, making another one free, so Hagino could simply take over.

And he was glad the man didn’t, in the end, because he was so not going to defend himself. Not in this case, period. He hadn’t told Yamazaki everything, and quite intentionally. There was no chance Haruka was going to let through his mouth that Rin was going to Qatar only thanks to him.

Hell, he would do anything to get Rin to fulfil his dream, and if there was a single possibility the man could go there alone, Haruka would gladly step down.

It still wouldn’t make The Princesses forget that Rin – or both of them – preferred something other than pretty girls, though.

Which quite awesomely sucked.

“I have to think about it more. You’ve bought us some time, but we need to act fast. Let’s wait and see what Rin says.” Yamazaki breathed out, finally giving up on unsolvable things for the time being. “So what happened again? Did you two manage to have a fight already?”

“Not exactly.”

Grass swayed slowly on the other side of the gravel pathway, and turning his teal eyes to him the man didn’t seem too keen on saying the following words – as if he wanted, and didn’t want to ask something at the same time.

“Does _’Not exactly’_ usually lead to you falling down the stairs?”

Haruka blinked confusedly, and it was Yamazaki’s finger pointing at his bruised neck that rang the bell, while a somewhat fallen smile spread over his face.

It was supposed to be just another joke, only it didn’t quite work out this time.

Running his fingertips over the aching skin, Haruka knew it hadn’t looked too good in the morning, and by now it had probably turned into beautifully violet and blueish contusions.

He shrugged, searching for a public-appropriate explanation.

“We were... and he-”

“Na-ah,” Yamazaki interrupted hastily and closed his eyes for a moment before raising his somewhat pensive face to the quickly darkening sky. “I don’t think I want to hear details, dolphin.”

_ Then why did you ask? _

But Haruka was very fine with that, as he turned his eyes away, since he wasn’t going to give any.

There was no denying that Rin could be really rough when he wanted, and Haruka certainly wasn’t looking for excuses. Yes, it had been done in the heat of the moment – just like before when he had been bitten during their first kiss – and even this time Rin hadn’t done it intentionally. Probably, that is.

Only, once again, Haruka wore marks of punishment he wasn’t certain he deserved, even though the man seemed to have quite a different opinion when he used his fangs on him.

And Rin might have apologized in a shaky voice afterwards, asking anxiously if Haruka was alright when the momentum was mostly gone and pulsing pain and cold was all that was left of their shared heat, but he wasn’t sure if it wasn’t a bit too late for it.

_ Did I really laugh? _

Either way, Haruka sure like hell wasn’t going to weep over any of it in front of the man’s best friend.

A long moment passed in a suddenly stiff silence, and he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to speak while Yamazaki was lost in his thoughts, lips pursed in a thin line. White knuckles clutched his phone as if there was something happening inside of him, although his unreadable face stayed serene just as it always was.

His ‘ _I should get back’_ was quiet then, mumbled in the direction of the lit up windows of Shinjuku tower; as if it called him back by a means Haruka could neither hear, nor see. Without thinking he stood up too, automatically following.

There was a quiet, heavy sigh falling from the man’s mouth as he noticed him walking by his side, but he didn’t comment, and Haruka was glad. It was almost seven o’clock, and street lighting was slowly coming to life as they walked through the small park in silence; both quiet, and probably equally wondering why Haruka wasn’t heading home already.

But he knew that the moment he turned for home he would start staring at that idiotic display, hoping for something to happen, and he honestly didn’t feel like waiting one more damned minute of this day for Rin to finally call.

To either apologize, or hear Haruka’s own apology.

“I’ve never envied him this much before.” Blinking in surprise, he watched a torn smile spread over Yamazaki’s face. “It must be nice to have someone who worries so much about you.”

And as teal eyes turned to him, he almost wanted to say there surely would be, one day, even for him; if for nothing else than to get that penetrating gaze off of himself.

It would probably be a lie, though; it was impossible to imagine that someone would eventually love another person as much as he loved Rin.

Even though he couldn’t – wasn’t ready yet – to say it.

It was becoming clearer with every awkward step they took towards the park’s entrance that Haruka shouldn’t have come here tonight. He shouldn’t have turned to this man for help, shouldn’t have walked him back to work again. Shouldn’t have done many more things he had, but it seemed to be too late to regret.

Confused, Haruka looked for something neutral to say, searching for words on the gravel path under their feet. He wasn’t sure if he had totally misjudged the situation last time they talked, or if that twenty minutes on the bench could have changed that much.

Whatever the cause, there seem to be exactly that awkwardness between them that Yamazaki had wanted to avoid.

“I think I should go-” He started, watching the man halt afar and turn around. And he wasn’t precisely sure if he said the last word, or if it just resonated faintly within the walls of his skull. “Home.”

Because when Yamazaki drew in a long breath, and with hands in the pockets of his suit looked like he was bracing up for something to say, a small hand fell on his shoulder; in the very same moment Haruka felt the weight of a carrier ship on his own.

Eyes snapping to the unknown cumbersome man on his right, Haruka’s body went full tense in an instant.

It didn’t seem to be the case for Yamazaki, though, when a big arm grabbed Haruka’s arm, pulling him painfully, yet effectively towards his chest.

“Oi, oi, oi, young Nanase, tell your friend to keep his temper down.”

The small Taiwanese man’s face was smiling friendly, as if it wasn’t at the top of Haruka’s ’ _to never see again_ ’ list.

“What the hell is this? Who are you?” Yamazaki spat over his head, strength of his big hands crushing Haruka’s bones while he tried to free himself, and why, for _fuck’s sake_ , did the man think he needed to be held like a little boy?

One strong push, one surprised yelp and he got on his own feet again. It took a lot of self-control to not punch Yamazaki right away for making a weakling of him in front of all these men.

Three stupid mouths laughed around them loudly.

“Don’t mind my boys, kids,” Chong widened his eyes amusedly on them, and Haruka was sure there was a very unintentional trace of interest in the way the man’s eyes ran over Yamazaki’s face, observing. “They’re not here to harm you. On the contrary, they shall make sure you don’t ruin my tuxedo, since I’m currently on my way to The Nutcracker premiere. Which brings me to the fact that I appear to be already late, therefore I can’t wait for you to finally make up your mind and let your friend go his way.”

“What do you want?” Haruka growled, ignoring Yamazaki’s shocked gaze that anchored on his face, and rather turned to the small man fully.

The strong aura of authority was still there, floating around him, just as when they had met last time in the back of Old Ita’s shop. Only now Chong didn’t seem to come to threaten as he ran fingers through his perfectly smoothed hair, smile amicable and genuine.

As if he was, indeed, only making a quick working stop on his way to the theatre; something that his _’job’_ needed him to do more often than not.

His men hadn’t made a move since they came; just stood around with dull faces once the joke wasn’t so funny anymore. And it made sense that if they wanted to cause actual harm to him, they would surely wait until he was alone.

Haruka’s eyes fell to the small man’s jacket, pondering that the knife was surely there, even now. These kinds of people didn’t put their working tools away.

Yamazaki opened his mouth to say something, but the smile widened on Chong’s face, and there seemed to be no way anyone would speak when he intended to do so.

“The question is rather what we both want, young Nanase.” A chuckle, a shrug, and Haruka felt his jaw constrict as Chong stepped closer, slapping his cheek in a demeaning manner. “According to the latest information your daddy is still in town, and currently on his way to you, so I dare predict that in the near future, you and I will be spending some terrific time together.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there guys!
> 
> Okay, so... the unbelievable happened, and I’m back :))
> 
> Let’s start with a huge thank you to ALL of you. For your patience, for all love and support that you gave me through your words in the past months, for the motivation I wasn’t able to find on my own. I read your comments like fifty times over, and I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to respond to all of them. You should know, though, that even those I didn’t respond to were deeply appreciated and I hold them just as close to my heart. 
> 
> The biggest thank you goes to marbled_maven, my precious beta and - I dare to say now - friend, for all above and much, much more. 
> 
> Now... I hope I can safely say that the dark days are over, and I’ve found passion for this story all over again. I spend all of my free time working on it, and now it’s up to you to say if it was worth the wait. 
> 
> Enjoy the new chapter, guys :)) It came right from my heart, and even though it was shockingly easy to write once I started, I put a strikingly big amount of time into getting it into the shape I considered good enough. 
> 
> I just hope you’ll like it the way I do ;))

It looks in movies like it happens in an instant; one fatal hand touch, two pairs of eyes meet across a room full of people, that much is enough. One big historic moment that turns life into a ride of fluttering hearts and kisses. 

For him it hadn’t. Like a virus of a cold he had had for days that inevitably put him to bed with fever and aching everything, he wasn’t aware he had caught it until he could barely walk, least to say run from it.

And he wasn’t particularly happy it happened to him, if he was to be honest. Because – if he ultimately had to fall for someone – he would rather it was for someone easy to deal with, nice and calm. Someone like Gou, or Makoto, or three quarters of the people in his high school. Maybe even Yamazaki, if it came down to that.

Someone regular, even just plain ordinary.

The only one to blame for the years he spent being stuck on someone as extraordinary as Rin was Haruka himself. Hanging onto every stolen Matsuoka’s word, delicate lines of his hipbones grazing the water’s surface - all of it pushing air out of his lungs to the point where neither water  nor aftermaths of his half-assed, pitiable orgasms could soothe the need.

Rin was the best one of all. Someone you would leave anyone else for in a blink of an eye, a flashlight over the grey crowds that could render you blind no matter if you were a girl, or a boy, or a Mesozoic dinosaur. Haruka knew as he toed his sneakers off and trudged into the common room like a gauzy ghost, it wouldn’t make a difference if Rin arrived into his life at eight, eighteen, or eighty-four.

He would still just sit patiently, waiting for another act of this fairytale, no matter when its main character would never pick up his phone, or show-up again.

No matter how many times anyone got called a faggot in it.

Even now that he stood in the doorframe like a fool, it was still true. Maybe, just maybe, if he had known what he was going to find sitting among his friends as if he agreed to any of it, he wouldn’t have walked in so recklessly.

Because he hated surprises, fucking _hated_ everything that left him thrown off guard like only Rin’s foolishness could.

Especially something that supposedly was a romantic gesture - showing up past ten in the middle of your common room.

"I won." Nagisa yelled excitedly, making Haruka wince so much he almost fell off his feet, and the already buzzing detonator in his head went off. "Oi, Rin-chan, you’re _sooo_ easy to beat when Haru-chan’s around. Let’s start another round _right now_."

’ _God-damn faggot._ ’

Something exploded inside like dynamite down in the mines, and it ran up every corridor of his heart and veins, until it reach his brain.

"You had a good day, Haru?" Makoto’s gentle voice hit the bull’s eye perfectly without noticing, but it was as good a try as any to overcome the darkness that dragged in behind Haruka like a shadow.

He _needed_ to break someone’s nose.

It had to be done right here and right now - the need was too probing to ignore, to stand here with the fragile smile on Rin’s face that was already falling down like cherry blossoms.

It was too late, though, there was no one to beat the crap out of. An innocent wouldn’t do.

’ _Sick._ ’

The good mood in the condo wavered like a dull echo with anxious eyes on him, and he began to doubt if he didn’t have some mental problem, just like Yamazaki had joked about once.

Because why, _for fuck’s sake_ , couldn’t he have gotten the right reaction out of his mouth, or fists at the time of need? Why, like always, were they ready rather three hours later, when no one’s teeth were interested in them anymore?

If only he had Hagino here now.

How he would throw him against the wall, and ask that asshole if he was really certain he had a problem - like two hundred percent sure, so much he would repeat everything he said on that _god-damned_ _faggot’s_ account.

In the corner of Haruka’s eye Makoto and Rei shifted uncomfortably. Neither of them enjoyed the tension, not even Haruka himself, not now that he was finally home after such a shitty day.

White ceiling light slowly diminished like a theatre headlight that turned elsewhere when Rin’s already weak smile finally disappeared for good, and it was all Haruka’s fault.

"Long," he growled the answer Makoto’s way, and couldn’t care less.

There was something uncontrollable running up the wire that pulled Rin to his feet when Haruka finally turned for the door.

A deep voice offered something unintelligible, and his eyes snapped closed before he could ponder on what so horrible Rin did to earn this treatment. Or before Haruka cracked and either hit him over his mouth, or kissed it first.

Somewhere there resonated Nagisa’s annoyed objections about Rin abandoning the game, a strangely irritating voice even from behind the wall of Makoto’s room as Haruka tore the closet open and almost ripped the handle off.

It was _really_ just about time Nagisa returned to where he belonged.

Haruka gritted his teeth, and the T-shirt fell out of his hand when the creak of the floor preceded Rin’s weak _’hey’_. Wordlessly standing afar, face jaded, he seemed reluctant to get closer when Haruka finally spared him one short look from under his overgrown fringe.

Long silence wasn’t what he expected, even though he himself didn’t even try to open his mouth. He never was the one to start the conversation, and now, with doe-eyed gaze on him, he sure wouldn’t know how to start.

But when still nothing came while Haruka tore open one button of a stinky school-shirt after another, with the certainty of the darkness outside the window, he knew the entrance door would shut with a click of a locker behind Rin’s back; and very soon.

"You want me to go?" The question proved it just beautifully while stale air blew out of the old closet, and senseless anger so far bubbling inside turned briskly into panic.

Because nothing could make the icy voices, which had accompanied Haruka on his way home since he finally got rid of Yamazaki’s irritating presence, go haunt someone else, somewhere else. Yet just being this close, in the same room - even though both silent - did something unexpected to Haruka’s heart.

It made its pace decelerate rather than the usual opposite.

"Alright," Rin said so wearily it sounded as if he barely managed to open his mouth to speak, and Haruka was glad his face couldn’t be seen properly.

It would maybe be the last word he ever heard from Rin’s mouth, who knew, and it didn’t really matter how guilty he felt for that, or that it almost broke him down at the spot.

What mattered, though, was that he couldn’t even _beg_ to get a proper good-bye - not with wrists stuck in long sleeves of a shirt, which he wrestled with more desperately by each passing second.

It was a tired groan that stopped Haruka’s hands in their vigorous effort to tear the fabric apart, and he lowered his head while his normal friends laughed over something in the common room.

"Don’t be angry with me, dummy." With a stomach tightened into sailors’ knots Haruka blinked in awe when warm fingers grazed cautiously over his naked collar-bones, and a timid whisper fought its way through the debilitating voices in his ears. "I never know what to do."

It was dejected, and it was a plea, and Haruka had no answer to give to that.

"I’ve wanted to run to you like crazy, I swear, ever since I woke up."

Exhaustion resonated through the quiet confession when shy fingertips danced down his arms until their fingers entwined. Haruka shut his eyes firmly for a second, not really putting up a fight, standing still with just skin separating his blood from that in Rin’s veins.

And he wanted to say something, spit some acidic remarks to make Rin’s day at least a bit closer to the shitty state his own had been. To make himself feel little less of a failure that could do nothing right when it came to things outside of the pool, even though that’s exactly what he was.

"Idiot," He barked at least, but didn’t move an inch away while he was being engulfed in safety. "You can’t afford to miss a whole day of training like that."

"I _know_."

Rin seemed to wait for a short, uncertain while. And when he finally breathed deeply in Haruka’s hair, taking what surely was his scent in, he had to wonder if Hagino had ever met someone he would feel like this with - completely undone, a fucking _poison_ sucked out of his incapable heart where it lay for who knew how long.

Curious fingers travelled over Haruka’s bare neck and shoulders, oblivious to the devil inside of his head, for some reason not afraid in the least. As if they knew he would never slap them away - something he wasn’t sure about himself.

In one confusing moment Rin’s face was sweetly pressed into his neck - a wordless plea to stop the nonsense - and Haruka growled, annoyed.

The realization was as shocking as it was nothing new, that Rin wasn’t scared of him, not now, not _ever_. Not in the way Makoto or anyone else would be, had they been on the receiving end of this treatment. Rin was the one that always yelled and pushed, almost too violent to stand it, the only hand that could bring him from the bottom of an ocean.

Empty barks and bitter remarks didn’t have any effect on him; probably only cheered him on.

Bastard.

Even now Haruka was weak, there was no denying, utterly frail against the force that continued to squeeze around him like a lifebelt.

"Besides," A voice mumbled against his skin, sending goose bumps right down to his feet. "I need a job if I want to have a place to take you to, don’t I?"

It was a simple statement, innocent and without oddly underlying connotations, yet it still did funny jumping things to Haruka’s heart as his eyes fell open.

_He left her house?_

And before Rin could take it back, the stupid question was out.

"Can I stay over? Tonight?"

The simple plea made in the sudden twilight of a mind seemed to render Rin wordless, and Haruka gulped down audibly in the sudden silence, wanting to smash his head against the wall until his brain would spill out.

It wasn’t like he got an invitation, least to say for _today._

The heart pressed against Haruka’s back broke into a mad spurt, though, and staring into the darkness of the closet like a hoping idiot he realized that waiting for an answer wasn’t, in fact, needed.

Rin nodded anyway, forehead pressed bitter-sweetly against his shoulder.

It was a very, very nice feeling - the pace of a wild beating drum that wasn’t his own running through his body - offering his own to follow track.

’ _Smash his sick mug right then and there._ ’

When voices repeated for the last time and then died out, Haruka lowered his head. In a wordless surrender to the plain fact he wouldn’t survive without Rin’s presence anymore, he knew the most horrible thing that he was so afraid of had already happened.

And it was weird.

_’Hung his balls right here on the ceiling.’_

How terrifying it was to depend on someone’s light to illuminate your life.

 

Narrow stairs up to the attic apartment felt like a road to the sky as he let himself be led with eyes closed.

Rin let go of his hand just once when his landlord pushed his grey head out of the door on the first floor, checking if he wasn’t bringing a girl visitor. It brought out a crooked smile on Rin’s lips, and in Haruka a feeling the spiral staircase was shaking under their synchronized steps.

Old grey colour fell off the railings everywhere he placed his fingertips, Rin’s palm was hot and nervously clammy all the way up, and tonight, there wasn’t a power in the world that could force him back to his own bed.

The room was smaller than any he had ever seen before. A scrubby table under the small window took most of the space, leaving some only for a hanger with a few clothes that Haruka recognized must have been Anna’s gifts - probably too expensive to even keep folded. A white shelf with a few worn-out books, a narrow single bed, and Rin’s still full travelling bags pushed to the other wall.

The place didn’t feel cramped despite it all, he thought, eyes going slightly wider in wonder as he let his backpack fall down to his feet slowly.

"I said it’s nothing much." An apologizing voice said next him, and Haruka’s shoulders shook slightly under the observing stare.

"It’s fine," He objected hoarsely, a funny feeling washing over his heart like a tsunami.

Clean and tidy, the room screamed of Rin’s touch wherever he lay his eyes. It was simple and nice, everything Haruka would ever chose for himself, but that wasn’t the reason.

It wasn’t just fine.

With doubtful eyes he scanned the angles of the low roof, empty white walls, thoroughly searched for explanation of the strange sensation. Over the bamboo blinds on the open window, slowly moving in the late spring breeze that promised a sprinkle outside; clacking soothingly against the window frame. Bluish shadows that the screen of Rin’s laptop threw all over from its place on the table.

It was the fact that he had never been allowed to any world that belonged to Rin before. Never but now, and here, in this tiny hideout, Rin had willingly made him a part of it.

It was overwhelming, and in the silence that didn’t make space for unwanted guests on this side of the door, or in his head, he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

"I’ll be right back," Rin’s deep voice echoed within the fragile bubble like a taiko drum, making his heart pick up an already quick pace.

Sidestepping Haruka in order to get to the bags on the floor, Rin threw him an insecure look. He dug out what looked like a T-shirt and straightened up with an eager face, hesitating. And even though Haruka blinked in shock, lately he had been getting better at closing his eyes just in time.

He had no idea where, or how exactly they perfected these motions, when all their kisses could be counted on fingers of two hands. With each touch, it seemed, Rin taught him something new - how to breathe in when a languidly moving tongue released his for a second in widely open mouths, or how to bring himself even closer when it seemed already impossible. How to not defy everyone and everything for a change, but rather fall without a fight into the rhythm of Rin’s mouth anytime he decided to dive deeper into Haruka’s oddly tottering existence.

Like a blindly following pupil, he followed every path this expert showed him.

"Don’t," Rin breathed out, voice lost in throat, and Haruka drowsily tore his eyelids open. "Don’t even think about running away while I’m gone."

His fingers reached after the loop of Rin’s belt too late, when it already must have lay on the floor behind the door. Where would he go, he thought, giving his head a small shake that no one saw.

_You’re everywhere I turn._

It was a quiet, quiet night in the old house, no music played in the background like it sometimes does in the movies while Rin had been kissing him, or now that his shaky sigh resonated over the sounds of a running shower.

Only soft tapping behind the window made him push the blinds away and blink into the opaque night. Old Yanaka district lay underneath, drowned in darkness, tall skyscrapers too far to even see properly. And for a moment it felt as if he was staring down his own street in Iwatobi.

This definitely wasn’t Tokyo. It wasn’t the pushy, crowded world he had already started to loathe.

The rain was gentle against his palm when he leaned his elbow against the window frame and, with lips swollen from Rin’s inhuman kisses, smiled foolishly for the first time that day.

_Should I join him in there?_

A little drop ran down his forearm, smeared characters on papers that lay scattered on the table, and Haruka didn’t know if it was the crazy shower idea, or the sight that caused his heart to break into a gallop.

In the midst of a disarray, red, dignified university names stood out on various copies of applications - so far all blank and empty.

Obviously not touched yet.  

A car passed down the street, riding through every muddy puddle on the road - the sound making Haruka’s world shrink into a match box.

_He hasn’t applied yet?_

It was the first thought as his suddenly feeble fingers flipped through the pages of the almost very same paper he had filled in more than a year ago.

His face looked paler than Rin’s own as it stared back in the reflection of the window, night behind suddenly not so calming.

Nervously looking for the name he knew so well from the façade of his own school, Haruka knew it was probably stupid to read too much into it.

_He hasn’t applied to Toyo?_

It wasn’t as if Rin was obligated to apply where Haruka studied just because of the swimming team, he thought frantically, and let out a choked sound when the name finally appeared on one of the papers.

Or because Hirai expected him to. It was Rin’s prerogative to go elsewhere, there were no limitations for someone this smart. He could go anywhere he wanted, anywhere really.

_Shut up._

Especially with Hagino studying there, too.

_Shut the fuck up._

The door creaked behind him, and he flinched as if caught at a crime.

"Would you believe that that shit-head manager almost kicked me out on my first day because he thought I dye my hair red?" The question was strangely puzzling as Rin walked into the room like a water god, hair wetly crimson, skin pinkish from the heat. Oblivious to the way Haruka blinked jaw-slacked into the dazzling bathroom light, or to the universe kneeling down for him. "Said I was a punk, arsehole. He wouldn’t listen shit until I showed him mum’s and Gou’s picture. As if it wasn’t enough I had to spend a double shift - _twelve_ fucking hours at the hot oil pot with damn burning chips. I swear, I’ll never be hungry again."

It was a strikingly quiet night when Haruka chuckled softly into the silence, and amused fatigue shouted from every pore of Rin’s still glowing skin as he glanced from the bed where he tried to pull clean socks on.

In this light he looked like an old movie star from those cheesy flicks he liked so much, Haruka thought - even when he wasn’t doing anything much, but staring up with eyes slowly turning cautious - like prey waiting for Haruka’s first move. Torturously innocent and bad at the same time, one look of his would squeeze the air out of much bigger places than this tiny room.

As young and dangerous as when they first met.

"He’s right." Haruka said in a raspy voice, willing to sell anything to see what Rin would look like in forty years; when they were old and grey, together still. "It _is_ weird."

Rin didn’t seem to remember they were still talking about his boss when Haruka walked those two unsteady metres to fall down on his knees. Or when he softly ran fingers through his wet, thick hair, and finally lowered his head down into warm lap like a newly found pup.

_Don’t let me go._

Like a lucid dream he wasn’t sure he was really dreaming, warm hands pulled him forward, up onto the bed, next to the body Haruka never truly believed he would lay again. A shivering silence stretched while their fingers hastily entwined, so firmly it hurt, and Rin’s eyes crinkled up at the corners.

"Says a Japanese person with the bluest eyes in the world."

Haruka tried to roll his eyes, but nothing happened except for a shaky whimper falling out of his mouth.

It wasn’t fair; Rin wasn’t fair, with the face he made as if he was deliriously happy just from the closeness of their faces. Haruka wasn’t begging, didn’t know how to, and it would only scare Rin off more. Knees touching, eyes too close to each other to see anything but captivating blackness, every stroke of Rin’s thumb proved the truth that he was quite fine before him, for all he knew.

Only he would rather rip his bowels out than going back to that place when he once tasted this bliss.

"Will you go out with me?"

The question was surprisingly odd and misplaced in the two-inch wide space between their mouths and chests, and it probably showed on his face.

"Here I thought I already was." Haruka said at length, lips crooking against his will while light rain outside combated with the sound of Rin’s somewhat bated breath.

"Here I thought I’d get an actual answer from you for once."

A giggle turned out a little too nervous, and Rin’s face suddenly turned serious.

"I meant what I said yesterday." A sweaty hand didn’t let go of Haruka’s own, squeezing like there was no tomorrow, and he didn’t know what to say. Not even when Rin added brokenly, heart in his eyes. "I wanted to tell you the whole day through, but couldn’t over the phone. That, you know, it’s fine if you don’t... see it the way I do right now."

It was idiotic, and so oddly alarming that Rin could be _this_ blind. That he could possibly think, for a damn moment, that Haruka would be here if he wasn’t dying after him like a desperate stalker.

"I’ll wait for you to catch up."

That there would be a distantly similar moment like this in life without him.

When Haruka croaked his answer at last, it wasn’t because Rin needed to hear something back. It was looking for a way out of his cowardly throat long before now.

"Only if I can call you Rin-Rin."

He forced his body to move before he could say more silly things, or outright confess everything there was. But the grin that spread all over Rin’s face had already burned another indelible memory into his mind.

"Shit, Nanase. Like... _Shit_. You know what? I wanna shout it to the whole world." Rin choked out underneath him while Haruka hovered over, and from above he looked twelve years old again, not almost twenty. Especially when he stretched his arms out as much as possible in the confined space, and shouted from his lungs over Haruka’s shaky shoulder. "All you damn losers, go eat your fucking _shit_! ’Cause Nanase’s mine!"

The bed quivered when Haruka joined the childish giggle and rolled his eyes, shocked by the fact this was love. At the end of a long, shitty day, at the beginning of rainy June.

A simple, passable moment of fun, and everything to ever dream of.

"You’re an idiot," He breathed into Rin’s face, earning a seductive smirk.

"Oh yeah, keep saying that to me."

As if the gently falling raindrops behind the blinds steadily washed it away, Rin’s mischievous grin faded slowly into nothingness, and Haruka’s own followed suit.

And there couldn’t be a flashier sign than the synchronized beat in their chests;  it was here.

Someone’s name resonated softly against the walls, and it honestly felt as if the world was shaking around them while he let his full weight down on Rin to bring what he had learned from him back to life.

Kissing was easy, becoming someone else’s wasn’t.

It couldn’t be that different from the first time he had dived into water as a kid, Haruka knew, all naive and unaware of claws that rested under the surface then.

But then, he hadn’t known shit about what real danger was.

Rin’s hitched breath begged for something while Haruka searched flawless lines, curves and angles underneath his still damp shirt. His closed eyes knew them all by heart from years of shameless staring, his shaking fingers didn’t yet.

It was high time to mend it.

"Haru."

So what if it lasted for a few hours and then never repeated again. They would be hours spent in the shelter of safe arms, and Rin would surely make it a memory that no one could ever beat, as long as Haruka was alive.

So what if, right now, Rin saw all the flaws and bruises in and out.

It’s not like he hadn’t made many of them himself.

"It’s alright. It’s fine." Haruka said almost inaudibly, giving up a safety seatbelt on the skin of Rin’s bared hip and further. "Just don’t bite."

Everything he had, he placed in hands that curled in fabric on the small of his back, waiting on him under the starters’ block while he was about to jump head-first, like always.

Rin could do whatever he wanted with it.

Whatever, even throw it away.

"Please, look at me."

Rin swore, swollen lips in Haruka’s vision slightly apart, fingers digging into wrist of his travelling hand. Without intent to hurt, but with a clear statement, nevertheless. He pulled skin to his lips and kissed, leaving a burning mark as an aftermath.

He should repeat the plea more than once, though, if he really wanted Haruka’s eyes to fall open.

He couldn’t, and he didn’t, because this wasn’t even real.

_I just..._

"You." Rin murmured brokenly, grazing fingers over the stinging skin on Haruka’s neck, his own art. "You always bring out the best in me." 

_Don’t understand why not._

"But sometimes even the worst. I don’t get it."

The silence felt impossibly long while Haruka’s shut eyes watered in the crook of a warm neck, but nothing could make sense of the fact that they were talking instead of doing what they should be doing.

"I wonder if that’s what love does to one."

Haruka wondered, too.

When Rin pursed his lips and got up to dig in the bathroom’s cabinet, mute and obviously miserable. When he tentatively placed cold fingers with cooling ointment on the bruises, which burned much more of the touch itself than the half-healed hickeys. When the sound of warm rain outside ultimately fell apart under the assault of a movie that he let play on his laptop, and Haruka recognized the one they had watched in the cinema together those weeks ago.

And when the mattress finally dipped behind Haruka, hands curled around him like they had that one time in the warm Australian night, he wondered what so wrong love like this could possibly bring out in anyone.

"Are you going to quote tonight? From the movie?"

"No," A drowsy whisper fell into his hair, both half-way to dreamland already, and he wasn’t sure he appreciated the joke as much as he should. "I don’t need to seduce you anymore."

***

A radio hummed quietly in the back of Old Ita’s shop when tardy steps announced the old man’s presence behind Haruka’s back, the same old catastrophic news all over. 

"A young lady is asking for you, Nanase-san," He said, making Haruka growl as he snapped his stiff neck around. A chisel fell on the table with a resonating clack, and he sighed when Old Ita didn’t seem to stop complaining under his breath, tired feet shuffling slowly back to the front of the shop. "I don’t understand a word she says, and she didn’t even purchase anything. These young Western people have no manners."

The sound of the old cranky voice dissipated behind the wall, a premonition of disaster passing strong through Haruka’s senses.

It was as hard as it was this sunless Sunday morning, simply being here. Somewhere in the suburbs of the city was a slowly cooling bed, and even though no one lay in it anymore, he was still one foot out the door to run back to it.

The horrible foreboding didn’t turn out to be correct, at least.

"I’m sorry to bother you while you’re working, Haru." Jane smiled uncertainly, pink colour adorning her cheeks like a personification of a fresh Spring. And all he could think of was the moment Rin’s sleep-heavy eyes had finally opened into his own, and intricate redness flooded the constellation of freckles down his throat. "I hoped you’d be able to find a little time for me when you’re done here. Perhaps? I can wait, no problem."

_He better get used to being watched._

Jane cleared her throat, obviously uncomfortable under his faraway stare, so Haruka rather let his eyes wander elsewhere.

_I’m going to watch him every night from now on._

She seemed surprised when Old Ita simply waved his hand, allowing Haruka a short pause without further ado, but maybe she just didn’t know how working relations were in Japan. There was no awe in her face, though, while they walked through the Ameyoko market; as if she had already gotten used to the world that must have certainly looked foreign to her eyes at first.

Maybe she just had different things to worry about.

"I know you don’t have much time, Haru. So just let me say what I need, and I won’t bother you anymore."

The statement crawled reluctantly out of her lips as she dawdled above the menu of the side-street  izakaya they had sat down in long minutes ago, not meeting his eyes. She didn’t carry on, only ran her fingertips along the characters she couldn’t read to save her life, and Haruka sighed.

He really didn’t need to hear it, whatever it was, but the finality in her words was not welcome.

Jane wasn’t unpleasant to be with, even though some of their shared memories were of a kind he would rather _un-_ remember, if possible.

Lost in her thoughts, she seemed scared to start whatever had brought her here. She wasn’t forcing a conversation while Haruka ordered for them both, or while a gabbling crowd passed them on the street, uninterested and unfamiliar.

None of those people knew the miserable days that turned them into friends - when the two of them stood on the same side of the battlefield that was Rin’s life - and no one cared.

 

’ _A powerful 8.5 magnitude earthquake struck near remote Japanese islands and shook most of the country on Saturday evening local time, although it occurred well beneath the earth’s surface and did not trigger a tsunami warning. The quake was powerful enough to rattle most of Japan, though, from the southern islands of Okinawa to Hokkaido in the north. It caused buildings to sway in Tokyo about 620 miles north of the Ogasawara islands and temporarily disrupted some train services in the city._ ’

 

"I really don’t know why," She laughed nervously, pulling his attention away from TV-news running on the small device in the izakaya window. "But since I arrived for the first time there’s always been some disaster happening in your country. Thunderstorms, floods, earthquakes, always something."

"It’s normal here." Haruka let out after a while, not too keen on holding a lecture about the frailness of the world when she seemed on the verge of drowning herself in her beer. "You’ll get used to it once-"

"I apologize for what I said that morning, and I’m not saying it because I have to, or because Rin want me to. First of all, he still doesn’t know I am able to talk to you."

Blue Mizuhiki strings swung from the low roof right above her head as she stared at him, wide-eyed. Against the grey, low-hanging sky their colours made her look festive and somewhat fragile, and he couldn’t really do anything but smile a little to ease her mind. She really didn’t need to be this nervous around him.

_Oh, thank gods._

It was just the same old shit again, no doubt, but at least it wasn’t anything worse.

"It’s alright," He breathed out with relief, unable to decipher whether there was scolding in her last sentence, or not. "You don’t have to say anything,"

He just wished to know if a day would eventually come when people stopped bringing up the worst night of his life.

"I know you’re not the kind to get angry at me. But I am ashamed." Jane stated firmly into the clamour of the market, cheeks of a dark pink colour, as if it was normal to bring back the past everybody wanted to forget. "Maybe it’s more for me than you, but... You _have_ to understand."

She trailed off, and echoes of shoppers’ hollering carried through the market while the foolish hope she would forget those miserable moments slowly but steadily floated away like a lantern in the wind.

He gulped down the bitterness of a beer, and in one swift moment her face turned to the epitome of affection. It wasn’t even surprising when she reached out for his hand and squeezed it tight.

"I get that you don’t exactly like Anna, it’s understandable. But she’s not just what you see, she’s been there for me, and for Rin too, anytime we needed it. She’s loyal and caring, even though she doesn’t particularly enjoy people knowing that. Back when we were young girls, she and her dad did something for me, and I will never, as long as I’m alive, pay my dues for that." Her voice wavered in his ear, but maybe it was just the glass falling off the waitress’s tray to the ground afar. "In spite of this, I wouldn’t have done differently that night, because I love Rin, and I already love you the same."

Haruka couldn’t help but feel it too, even though he really, _really_ didn’t want to hear about Jane’s best friend one more minute of his life.

It was clear in her voice, as she let go of his hand and turned her clouded gaze elsewhere, that she could see that much.

"And even Anna makes mistakes, especially after falling so horribly for the wrong person. And sometimes... Sometimes there has to be someone to stop us when we ourselves can’t."

"You’re not making any sense again," Haruka sighed, suddenly wishing to just return back to work already.

It was going to be a nightmare to focus on anything now that she let the ghosts out again, and she didn’t even seem to be done with it yet.

"That night at her dad’s place, after the dinner you served to all of us..." She went on, and Haruka raked his hair, shifting restlessly on the squeaky chair. "I’ve never seen Rin so broken before. It wasn’t just miserable, Haru, there I’ve been myself many times. It was in his eyes when he came from talking to you, I saw it immediately. He was done."

_No._

"He’s like a lost child without you, Haru. Always been."       

_Don’t drag me back there._

A biting sting in Haruka’s chest almost tore him from the chair and pushed into a run while the memory of white lilies on the ground emerged, gorgeous and horrifying.

"I jeopardized my most treasured friendship to open his eyes then, so he could be happy while my best friend cried her eyes out upstairs. I’m not saying this to get your gratitude, Haru, or anything. I want you to understand why I could barely look at you the next morning, when you left him alone despite him desperately needing you in his shitiest moment, after he _begged_ you to stay with him, and for what? To run with the only other person in the whole world that could still hurt him."

"I." Haruka stammered, too shocked to be certain he understood her fast, accented English properly. Too deafened by the banging of Rin’s fists against the hood of Yamazaki’s car. "I didn’t know."

"I know you didn’t, and I get he hurt you too. But... dear god, I swear I’ve never seen him drunk like that before. I was half-convinced he had jumped off the first roof after he got lost, but, thankfully, he wasn’t in a state to climb anywhere above the first bench he met."

 

’ _Later last night a magnitude 6.5 earthquake in the region of Kumamoto brought down buildings, killed nine people and injured about 800. More than 100 aftershocks followed until the bigger quake this morning, which led to the earlier, smaller event being reclassified as a foreshock._ ’

 

Light raindrops sprinkled the wooden table between them while someone turned the TV’s volume up, and Haruka tried to find his lost breath.

But under the sea there was no air, and he was too deep in the nightmare that Jane had brought up from its restless bottom. Pictures he had dreaded to put down on paper, and only now understood it didn’t make sense, really.

They would be in his head for as long as he was alive.

How lost Rin must have felt that night after Haruka flew in that damn car? How lonely. Like there was no one that cared enough to keep him sane.

_But he didn’t want me then._

Like there was no one that wanted to hold him.

_But he sent me away._

"I guess he didn’t tell you any of it."

No, of course he didn’t.

With the certainty of yet another disaster coming to torture this land Haruka realized that it wasn’t the worst night of just his life, but Rin’s too. It didn’t quite matter who started the mess, when they both were stupid enough to keep it rolling down the steep hill.

Something painfully grabbed onto his wrists, and Haruka looked up from Jane’s white fingers to her serious face.

"Haru, Anna doesn’t know how big part I played in all that. Rin’s protecting me, and I feel like I can trust you with it. But, please, no one else can know, okay?

"What did you tell him?" He managed to nod and get the question through his lips, at length, but she just shook her head and shrugged, as if it wasn’t important at all.

But it was, and very much, to be honest.

Her eyes burned holes into his face, and Haruka understood that without this girl he wouldn’t have spent last night in Rin’s warm bed, so safe he didn’t even feel the desolating quakes of the Earth which, in fact, usually frightened him.

He would have probably spent it sleeplessly checking Anna’s Facebook page - yet another ’recent news’ from 2015 for the fiftieth time.

"Well," She concluded, most likely leaving bruises on his wrists as she finally let go of them with a dismal, self-deprecating smile. "I’ll better be going. I’m pretty sure you’ve had enough of me for the rest of your life."

It didn’t take her more than a minute to place enough yen on the table and lean forward to place a hasty kiss on his cheek.

In that moment Haruka finally understood where Rin’s weakness for this girl stemmed from, for the first time ever. And he felt exactly the same as he forged forward and held her porcelain hand gently.

"Come to my school’s festival," He said, a little shaken by touching somebody of his own accord, especially a girl. "Everybody will be there. Even Makoto."

If she seemed surprised and genuinely delighted by the offer at first, it all disappeared at the sound of the last word.

A bitter smile filled her eyes, and she pursed her lips as she spoke.

"Well, in that case, I don’t think I’ll be free."

Time felt slow as the crowd kept walking past her leaving figure, people throwing curious glances at her round, fair beauty.

Haruka turned in the opposite direction, heart weirdly squeezed, not sure if they would ever meet again, but certain she would never have to scold him for leaving Rin’s side again.

No matter what may come.

***

It would have been the longest and most boring rest of a Sunday ever, if it hadn’t been for the occasional beeping of his phone under his pillow. Haruka might as well have spent the whole evening doing nothing but sitting next to it, truthfully, since the biggest success of the night had been staring blankly at the content of Gou’s package with a wildly running head.

It’s not like he had been disappointed that Rin finished his job long past midnight and headed straight home to sleep.

Truthfully, it had been closer to utter desolation.

It was a good question why Rin looked so ragged today despite enough _quality_ sleep, pulling a bar forcefully to his chest for the thousandth time in a row. His gaze shifted to meet Haruka’s in the wall mirror of the gym once again; kind of piercing, kind of amused, since it happened on both sides far too often for it to be just a coincidence.

"Akiha, get over here." The grouchy voice of the land trainer resonated through the gym, and on the other side of the room Hagino’s best friend let a womanly weight of barbells down with a surprised puff. The bench next to Haruka’s screeched under the big man’s weight when Akiha finally swayed in front of him, face spooked. "Hand out these vouchers."

"Me, sensei?"

Staring at the full envelope in his hand, Akiha didn’t seem to grasp the situation, but so didn’t the trainer. His pen stopped mid-air above the notes as he looked up, nettled.

"No, your _mother_. Do it, and fast. Tatano-san has more important things to attend to than your massage coupons."

With a grunt Haruka refused to raise into the sitting position another time, loathing this place more than ever before. Not all were shaped for this kind of suffering, period.

And having your dream-come-true watch your martyrdom didn’t help improve your performance much, obviously.

"God, you look awful." A slightly breathless voice commented intelligently above his sweat-pouring face, and it felt like a painful death when Haruka breathed out huffily, muscles hurting as if something viciously fed on them. A head emerged upside-down in his field of vision then, hidden from the rest of the gym by a hanging towel. It made the conversation a bit too intimate for the environment, especially with hot, irregular breath dancing over his blood-filled cheeks. "Guess you’ve had enough for today."

"No."

Rin’s eyes narrowed to slits when Haruka restarted his work-out without further ado, barely moving away in time before their foreheads banged like two asteroids.

"Oi, Nanase, don’t piss me off. I see you’re breathin’ your last."

It wasn’t _that_ bad, Haruka thought as he snickered at the nonsense, and pushed his torso up yet another time. Mainly, though, if he loathed anything more than land-training, it was someone deciding when he had had enough of it.

Moving somewhere on the thin edge of hell and heaven, definitely not alive enough to formulate something sophisticated during a sit-up, he broke the answer in halves.

"You go if - you can’t keep up."

"What? Unlike you, _I_ can go for hours." The towel fell off Rin’s startled head when Haruka finally shut his eyes, deciding it was for the better to not watch his own face while suffering. "I just thought that you... _Nah_."

Rin waved his hand huffily, sigh waspish and irritated, giving up on him.

"Crybaby." Haruka pushed out, surely spitting a little blood.

Provoking further, because it wasn’t just his imagination that the familiar competitive gleam was really in the mirror once he glanced up again; the one that said it was going to rip him in two if he wasn’t good enough.

But, _oh_ , he was.

Sparks shot up his veins when Rin swiftly changed his mind from leaving to staying, and turned to the pull-up station right next to his bench. Haruka scoffed at the impish grin, but waited still, watching with interest how long fingers curled around the iron bar.

Muscles straining, Rin was honestly sure he would beat Haruka anytime and anywhere outside of the pool, and the simple fact made him want to tear that smirk apart.

"Just don’t go begging me for CPR later."

There was a warning in a deep, challenging voice, an arrogance that pissed Haruka off even more than Rin’s sometimes too-caring side.

His own face looked determined in the reflection as he gritted his teeth and nodded ever so slightly, accepting the stupid challenge.

And when Rin brought himself up on the bar as if it was nothing, he felt too like beating the whole world.

At once the world shrunk into Haruka’s own knees, the ceiling, and the excruciating pain as he pushed himself harder than ever in this gym before. Rin’s face in the mirror didn’t even crease from the effort while their eyes anchored at each other, and the smug smile sent Haruka’s heart rate over the moon.

_Damn_ , he thought frantically as his body started to shake from the overload way too soon, he was _not_ going to give up.

He would not be beaten by a big-headed asshole that could _’go for hours_ ’ supposedly _._

He was _not_ any worse.

He would not give in just because he was a few insignificant centimeters shorter, kilograms lighter, or had been allowed into Rin’s bed one single time.

Thin lips crooked in the mirror provocatively, and it ticked Haruka off how the idiot made every pull-up look effortless, working with his whole weight as fast and easy as if there was no limit to a man’s body.

Rin was a show-off, no doubt, and it was all theatre.

His muscles surely ached with agony too, and even he couldn’t go forever, but it didn’t really make a difference. Eyes burning, he was enjoying himself too much to let go until he fell dead or won, and not even adrenaline or a heavy burst of malice could make Haruka keep the crazy pace any longer.

_Fuck_.

_This._

_Shit._

With a last whimper he cried out and gave up, throwing himself against the bench like a bag of potatoes. It was all lost. He didn’t last half as long as he thought he still could, and it annoyed him to the core - more for the lapse in his judgement than the betrayal of his body, in fact.

The mocking snicker from the pull-up station tasted really bitter then, but it was miles from lonely last night’s foul flavour.

The damp towel landed right on his face, soaked in Rin’s fucking pheromones, and he let a hand sway his head from side to side. Condescendingly, as if he was a three-year old falling off the climbing frame.

"Sometimes I’m not sure if you really could be that dumb." A laughing voice said too close to his ear, breathy and hot, and the almost hysterical undertone of Rin’s whisper resonated through the fabric covering Haruka’s ear. "You can never beat me _here_."

"Shut-up." Haruka ripped the towel off, furiously catching for breath, but threw it into the cheeky grin more softly than was originally intended. The same excitement that shook his own insides made Rin’s pupils wide as he smirked from above, colours barely shown, and he could hardly hide his own smile tugging on his lips.

Honestly, he thought while a pair of sneakers halted in front of him, and his eyes carelessly raised up to Akiha’s deep frown, no other in the whole world pissed him off more than Rin could any time of day.

But no other made him feel this light, too.

"What it is?" He laughed hoarsely when Akiha’s scowl didn’t retreat for too long, and pulled on the bottle in Rin’s hands to get a sip, too.

It was impossible to get his running heart under control again, especially when he didn’t even want to. Rin stood too close to allow that, anyway, trembling next to his bench from exertion. Fabric of his sweatpants grazed here and there Haruka’s knee while they wrestled stupidly about the water, until he simply let go, losing at least this fight.

No one would get it, it was too faint to even insinuate they were something more than friends, but the sentiment might have made Haruka fall yet a little bit more.

Then again, he realized with heart painfully skipping a beat, maybe not so much with the eagle gaze of the whole room on them.

He tore his eyes from Hagino’s sharp ones on the other side of the gym when a hand thrust a piece of paper into his face. When Akiha’s eyebrows rose with a silent question, Haruka blinked up stupidly, his brain still too diverted to decipher the actual meaning behind it.

It probably wasn’t the best idea to take the voucher with such unstable fingers, or speak with a shaky voice. The boy in front of him was waiting, though, and he didn’t seem to be in a patient mood.

"Thank you."

Low and meek, it didn’t earn him an answer, not even a nod before Akiha turned to walk away. Somehow Haruka didn’t even expect it to. He just tried to keep his face expressionless while water droplets from the bottle sprinkled the ground as Rin moved forth, unconsciously kneeing his thigh.

"Hey." It was when Rin took a step following Akiha’s back, muscles of his neck stiff and ready, that something plunged forcefully into the pit of Haruka’s stomach. "You forgot ’bout me? Or I don’t need one?"

His hand shot up sooner than he could think it through, pulling feebly on cotton sweats, and Rin’s name resonated like a weak plea just as Akiha’s smirking face turned around with a clear answer.

The one that Rin couldn’t understand.

"What the fucking _hell_? What’s your problem? What’s _all_ of your problem?"

They were billion-yen questions to the gravely muted gym, of course, asked with rightful bewilderment and ultimately lost patience towards the ignorance.

And it crushed the rest of happiness from Haruka’s chest on a dime.

"Will ya’ come back and explain, asshole?" Rin barked after Akiha’s retreating back, voice aggravated and too loud in the suddenly choking space. And Haruka didn’t know if he was happy or not that the land trainer had disappeared somewhere a good while ago while they raced.

The moment Hagino let his feet fall down from the bicycle with a dull thud, and three or four others stood up from their machines, he got his answer.

He shot up in a flash before Rin could move another inch and grabbed on his tightened shoulder. Unnecessary as it was, though, because a tense face emerged in his field of vision and hastily leaned into Rin’s own.

"You go now."

It was an uptight order, and a strangled, confused sound escaped Rin’s surprised lips. The tall swimmer that Haruka always thought as fairly stupid gave them both a serious look, and appeared even more massive as he moved towards Hagino’s darkly approaching figure.

"Senpai, may I have a word with you, please?"

Haruka couldn’t find a word to say while Rin mutely gathered his thoughts with face confused, or while realizing the boy, who now talked to a gravely scowling Hagino, suddenly wasn’t the only one separating them.

Three other swimmers tried their best to appear nonchalantly, creating a human wall against Hagino’sexcitedly shaking men that waited for a single provocation.

Within the suffocating space Haruka’s stomach quaked like the ground had yesterday as his hand slipped from the hot shoulder, too easily on the sweat-slick skin, and when Rin opened his mouth to speak Haruka choked out his name feebly.  

"You really should go. Takahashi-kun has it covered." The closest of the three swimmers muttered their way, black eyes worried, and a hint of apologizing smile traced their corners as they scattered around the room and then returned to Rin’s flabbergasted face. The boy seemed somewhat reluctant for a second, and Haruka only managed to take a breath before he added ruefully. "Not all of us are dickheads here. But, you know, with Hagino’s cretins’ crew you’d do better to choose another place to wave your rainbow flag."

The advise was as good-natured as it was clear. And no sudden moment of lucidity came that could tell Haruka what to do to prevent Rin’s brain from functioning properly.

"Wha-?"

He should make it look like it’s nothing. Like he didn’t have a clue when seconds ticked off and then that horrified gaze awfully slowly turned to him, he should do anything but confirm it with silence. 

The forgotten towel that smelled like Rin’s bed hung dead-squeezed in his hand, and he felt none of his own pain while those eyes stared him down. He didn’t have to when Rin’s own topped him up.

" _What_? That’s... that’s bullshit. Tell them it’s bullshit." 

The wounded laugh Rin gave out sounded lame, and Haruka wished no one heard when a hand grabbed onto his arm with a soundless plea.

"Tell them."


End file.
